The Best Jokes in the World

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According to several comedians, as compiled by GQ magazine

Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)

 

 

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150 thoughts on “The Best Jokes in the World”

  1. There was a new life gaurd working on the beach, he was doing great on his first day, but he only had one problem, he is terrified os sharks. So he asks one of the other workers on the beach if there was any sharks around here, and he says no they are all gone now. Releived he goes into the water and swims about twenty feet away from shore. Then he shouts to the worker and asks how did you get rid of all of them? The worker says we didn’t the aligator got em’.

  3. Bad Jokes:
    Q. Who can drive all their customers away, and still make money?
    A. A taxi driver!
    Q. The more you have, the less you see. What is it?
    A. Darkness
    Q. The more you take, the more you leave behind. What is it?
    A. Footprints

  5. Whatever’s joke about the man and his new BMW was the funniest joke on here!! I actually laughed, and it was the only one I laughed at. Good job Whatever!!!!!!

  7. hey there were 3 funny 1’s
    the alagater ate the sharks one, the bmw one, and the camper 1. I laughd at those

  10. there are 2 muffins sat in an oven, one muffin says to the other “wow its hot in here” & the other muffin reply’s ” OMG A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ” if u dont like tht joke heres another………….
    two bears just finished eating a clown one says to the other ‘did he taste funny to u???’

  15. A teacher was reading d story of Chicken Little 2 her class. At 1 part where Chicken Little tried 2 warn d farmer. She read “nd so Chicken Little went upto d farmer nd said, ‘d sky’s falling,d sky’s falling!'”d teacher paused then asked d class”And what do u think that farmer said?”.1 little girl raised her hand nd s…aid, “I think he said:”Holy crap! A talking chicken!”d teacher was unable to teach 4 d next 10mins!

  16. Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.”Why?” asks the father.”The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2×3,’ ” I said “6”, replies TONY.”But that’s right !” says his dad.”Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3×2 ?””What’s the damn stupid difference ?” asks the father.Tony-“That’s what I said !

  29. ha ha funny song dude i gota pea i gota pea i found some pea in the garden befor. LOL!!! ROFL!!!!

  30. My Australian girl-friend gave me a boomerang for a pesent – I’ll never throw it away!

    “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m Jewish”.
    “Don’t worry – It’s just a psycho-semitic problem”

    I’d give my right arm to be ambidexterous!

    We danced in the moonlight. I only had eyes for her. She only had eyes for me. We fell over a cliff!

  32. great jokes what about tis one:
    what’s better than God, the poor have it, and the rich dont want it?
    answer: nothing
    thers nothin better than God ,the poor have nothin and the rich don’t want nothin lol……..

  39. these jokes were great. They cracked me up.
    I mean my stomache still hurts from all those jokes
    including the irish one.im gonna vis every day

  40. These were intelectual(sp?) jokes.
    Anyone who didn’t get them or didn’t find them funny are the ones who enjoy the crude and racist jokes of today.

  49. Mate, these were hilarious, especially the one about “What do you do at red light!”
    Anyone who didnt like them is either smoking too much dope or brain-dead and didnt understand..
    YOu fellas game me plenty of material so here’s one for you..
    A drunk sidles up to a man who is looking under the bonnet of his car in the street outside a bar.
    “Whash the matter, mate?” he asks.
    “Its piston broke,” says the driver.
    “Yeah?” replies the drunk. “Me too.”

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