The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  4. here try this joke…..”a really ugly girl walked into the doctors office because she thought that she had a disease.So she went to the office and the doctor said”if we really want to find out i will need you to strip please”.The lady stripped down completely and the doctor gave her a stern look and said”oh my this is not good at all”,he sighed.”whats wrong doctor”?im very sorry to say this but you have exzackery disease”.”Whats that”?Its when your face looks exzackery like your butt.LOL i made this one up two days ago

  6. i didnt think those jokes were very funny at all. nope. i didnt. they were about as funny as my mom. she’s not funny at all. she told my baby cousin a joke and he started cryin. then when he got older he killed himself because of it. thats wat ur jokes do for me. they just arent funny. not at all. I’ll show you a funny joke. What do you call a hotdog wearing a costume? a halloweener!!! hahahahaha jk thats not that funny but it sbetter than your lame jokes.

  8. hahahahahaha i like your joke Blake…way funnier than any of the crap ones up there! i made up a joke only a few minutes ago: why’d the man leave the house? because it wasn’t his.
    well its funny to me :)

  9. a man goes to the doctors, he says “i just cant stop singing delilah!” the doc looks him over and says “you’ve got Tom Jones syndrome” “is it a rare condition?” asks the man “well its not unusual” replies the doc!

  10. 2 ducks are on their honeymoon in a posh hotel. just as they are about to consumate the marrage, the male says “oh no, i dont have any condoms!” and promptly calls room service. “do you have any condoms?” he asks “yes sir” comes the reply” “good” says the duck “can you send some to our room?” “certainly sir” replies the clerk “would you like me to put them on your bill?” “dont be silly!”yells the duck “i’ll suffocate!!”

  11. caught you out blake….you did not make that joke up about “exzackery disease”….. its been around australia for more than 20 years that i know.

  12. i thought some of them were funny but not all of them.i like the one with the golf course.heres a joke a blonde was pulled over by a cop.the cop asked why are you swerving so much?the blonde replies , well first when i turned a tree was there so i turned the other way but there also was a tree . then a whole bunch were popping out of nowhere!!.the cop replied, you idiot thats your air freshiner!!!

  14. This Joke is nothing compared to the one above
    Anywayz here it goes:

    A midget walks into a bar trips over some sh*t left on the floor.

    Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment.
    He doesn’t make a fuss about it.
    So he goes to bar and orders a drink.

    A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sh*t.
    The midget smiles and says, “I just did that”.

    So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.

  17. ok, the jokes above are hilarious and u all are about 10-15 year olds that need to be doing ur homework. get good grades and stay in school and stop wasting ur time on sites like this.

  19. hey heres a blonde moment:

    She heard that 90% of accidents happen around the home, so she moved!!!!
    LOLLOLOLLOLOLOL

  22. Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”

  24. I totally agree with Bob.

    There is a reason people say, “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”

    You don’t look cool guys! These jokes are great and just because they weren’t created five minutes ago doesn’t mean they’re lame! If you understand them, they’re funny…

  25. I think all of these jokes were funnny especially the ones from this website.I also thought the jokes from the commet board was funny too. Here is a joke its just a joke I am not insulting you “Why did the coach go back to the store:To get his qurterback.” Well I hope you liked it.

  30. I like the joke about the magic tractor… that went down a hill and turned into a field.

    + the brain that went into a bar for a quick pint, but the barman refused to serve him because he was already out of his head…

    + the sandwich went into a bar for a quick drink, but the barman said they didn’t serve food in there…

    Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

    An old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!”

    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
    The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.”

    A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
    The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

    Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!”

    The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
    “A jazz chord to say I ruv you…”

    ha:)

  31. k here is a funny joke…a 40 year old man is walking into a dark forset with an 11 year old boy.the kid looks up at the man and says mr im scared!then the man looks at him and says ur scared im the one thats gonna be walkind out of here alone

  34. i no way betta jokes the only reason half you ppl hate the jokes is cuz ya dont get the joke not cuz ya dont like it, but ya have ta be able ta understand the joke to lyk it anyway this is a good one dont lyk it read it again…..

    now read carefully or everything could go completely wrong and something terrible will happen to you or worse…..

    read slowly but fast enough to answer the questions here we go but say answer out loud

    2+2=

    4+4=

    8+8=

    16+16=

    QUICK pick number between 12 and 5

    got it ?

    now scroll down…

    the number you picked was 7 right?

    weird isn’t it?

    well i hope it worked for you as good as it worked on me lol hope ya liked it hehe XO….

    ADMIN: Hey, it worked for me. Cool. Thanks.

  35. Ok the funniest joke ever. How do you make a hotdog stand?

    You take away its CHAIR! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  36. anuva 1 … this is mint

    think of a numba batween 0-10
    +2

    x4

    -21

    +123

    /2

    -56

    +78

    = your ansa is 9 isn’t it

    haha i have just wasted 2 minutes of your life haha had yaz gannin !! TIMEWASTERS !! TIME WASTERS !!

  39. Ok here is a joke: A blonde is driving down the road and then she slams on her brakes because she was not watching and smacks into the back of some guy in a truck so the guy gets out and starts yelling at her and he gets so angry that he draws a circle in the sand on the side of the road and tells her he will hurt her if she gets out of the circle so he gets out a sledge hammer and starts smashing up her car and then he hears her laughing so he turns around and tells her to shut up then he continues smashing it and he hears her laughing again finally after the third times she laughs he turns around and says “what are you laughing about I am smashing your car and your laughing” and she says “well when you weren’t looking I stepped out of the cirlcle three times!”

  42. let me tell u all joke no offence to any religion. its just made up.

    once a women goes to a church to confess to a father.

    women: father, father i just called a men yesterday a son of a bitch.

    father: there is no need to confess for that.

    women : but father he touched my hands.

    father : like this . (father touches her hand) there is no need to confess for that

    women: but father he stripped my clothes.

    father : like this . (father stripps her clothes) there is no need to confess for that.

    women: but father he put his u know what in my u know where.

    father : like this . (father makes out with her) there is no need to confess for that.

    women : but father he had aids.

    father : that son of a bitch”””””””””‘

  44. omg! i like the 1 about the lady with her baby!

    but the americans! the dont have very good tast in jokes do they?

  45. i didnt make this up.but i laughed when i heard it

    there was two peanuts walking on the side walk and one was a salted peanut.haha.

  46. The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.

  47. Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Poop!

    That one literally made me fall out of my chair. XD I must be four.

  48. Steve Austin goes to see the doctor, complaining that his bionic eye, arm and legs are giving him grief and making him feel a bit under the weather for jumping, lifting and spying stuff, like he normally does.

    The doctor checks him over and says “Well your eye, arm and legs do look a bit strange to me, I’d say you’ve probably picked up some kind of virus…

    Don’t worry, it’s nothing that a good dose of anti-bionics won’t cure”

  49. There’s a mom with three kids-
    The first kid comes up to her and says “Mommy, why did you call me Rose?”
    And the mother said, “When you were a baby, I dropped a rose on your head.”
    And then the second kid comes up to her and says “Mommy, why did you call me Daisy?”
    And the mother said, “When you were a baby, I dropped a daisy on your head.”
    And then the third kid comes up to her and says “Rarrfgdxdb… garblefarbleblock”
    And the mother said, “Not now, Brick.”

  50. Who was the first sick-o to look at a cow and say “hmmm, I think i´l squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out”?

    That is an interesting qustion, but what really makes me wonder is – what if it had been a bull?

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