The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. G20 protesters in London have completely vandalised a Police station, even destroying the toilet facilities.

    Police say they have nothing to go on.

  3. Making my way home via a shortcut the other night, I noticed 2 Lady GaGa concert tickets nailed to a tree.

    Giving a cautious glance in all directions, and as quick as a flash:

    I stole the nails.

  15. Making my way home via a shortcut the other night, I noticed 2 Lady GaGa concert tickets nailed to a tree.

    Giving a cautious glance in all directions, and as quick as a flash:

    I stole the nails…

  17. 20 British servicemen were killed yesterday as their Armoured vehicle collided with a tree in Northern Ireland.

    The IRA say they planted the tree.

  26. A stupid guy dies and is awaiting approval from the gatekeeper of heaven to enter. The gatekeeper says you can only enter if you pass a quiz. The stupid guy agrees. The gatekeeper asks the stupid guy how many days of the week start with the letter t. The stupid guy says thats easy today and tomorrow. The gatekeeper says ok ill give it to you he then asks the stupid guy what is gods first name? The stupid guy says “Howard.” The gatekeeper asks “how in the world did u get Howard? The stupid guy says from the prayer… “Our father which art in heaven, Howard be thy name.

  29. One Brazilian, one American, and one British are aboard a plane.
    “We’re flying over New York City!” said the American.
    “How do you know that?” asked the British and the Brazilian.
    “I just saw the Statue of Liberty”.
    Hours later…
    “We’re flying over good old London” shouts the British man.
    “How do you know that?” asked the American and the Brazilian.
    “Just saw Big Ben”.
    Hours later…
    “We’re flying over Brazil!”
    “How do you know that?” asked the American and the British.
    “My wallet was just stolen”

  30. One Irishman, one Englishman and one Scotsman are being chased by the police.

    They all quickly climb up a tree each to hide from the police.

    The police reach the first tree and one officer shouts:
    “Anyone up there!?”
    “tweet tweet tweet” said the Englishman, pretending to be a bird.
    The police move on, thinking it really was a bird.

    The police reach the second tree and one officer shouts:
    “Anyone up there!?”
    “uuh uuh uuuh” said the Scotsman, pretending to be a monkey.
    The police move on, thinking it really was a monkey.

    The police reach the third tree and one officer shouts:
    “Anyone up there!?”
    and the Irishman goes “Moooo!”

  31. The Turkey And The Bull

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

    “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Moral of the story: Bullsh1t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

  33. the only one i know laughed at those jokes, is a drunk dude,
    all personnel are kindly requested to evacuate the website immediately,
    remaining visitors are to be considered casualties and missing in action,

    no make up money will be paied…

  34. I thought Canada’s joke was hilarious about the pen and the russian pencil. I showed it to all my school friends and thy laughed. Thank you for giving me something to do during 7th bell. Keep rockin.

  35. I LOVED CANADA’S JOKE ABOUT THE PENCIL…HILARIOUS. I SHOWED IT TO ALL MY BUDS AT SCHOOL THEY ALL LAUGHED. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME SOMETHING TO DO AT 7TH BELL. KEEP ROCKING AND BRING ON MORE JOKES. SINCERELY I LOL.

  36. A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
    began reading.

    After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
    “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
    “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
    “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
    “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.”

    ————————————————————————————-

    Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
    Usually she slept through the class.

    One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

    When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

    Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

    The Teacher fainted.

    ————————————————————————————-
    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

    Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

    “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”

    “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

    ————————————————————————————————

    A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

    Looking for man with these qualifications:
    – won’t beat me up
    – won’t run away from
    – is great in bed.

    She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
    The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”
    So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”
    Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

    ———————————————————————————–

    Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”
    Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
    The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
    The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
    “Clarence,” said the bird.
    “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
    The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus.”
    ————————————————————————————

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

    —————————————————————————————-

    A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl’s life.
    The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl”
    “But I’m not a New Yorker,” the man says.
    “Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl,” says the mother.
    “But I’m not an American,” the man says.
    “What are you then?” asks the mother.
    “I’m an Iranian,” the man says.
    The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
    Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.
    ——————————————————————————————-

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
    “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
    “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
    “No, because he’s really heavy.”

  38. Hahahahah! look at me WHOCARES I’m only 12 and am already being sucked into the metaphorical vortex of doom and virtual conversation and treacharous misleading websites! But guess what? I have more rite than you to browse the world wide web! For I am INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT GIRL and I finished my homework ON THE BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who’s the poor, introverted individual who spends her free time reading 470 commments on a shoddily made joke site? Hmm? Who’s wasting time NOW? Bwahahaha… stay classy, America.

  39. None of these jokes were funny, except the Canadian joke. The jokes from the users were funnier. I was looking for a funny joke when I came to this website.

  40. A bear and a rabbit were pooping in the woods when the bear asks the rabbit, “Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?” The rabbit said “No, not at all.” So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

  41. i loved all the jokes up there, those who didnt like them are stupid and should get a better sense of humer!! here is a joke- Chuck Noris got a heart attack- his heart lost

  43. These jokes are boring…..
    listen to this one :
    There was a man taht walked out of the hospital with a black eye and broken arm
    a guy saw him asked what happened?
    he said the other day me and my wife went golfing and she hit her ball far away and we were looking for it.I saw it in the horses butt and i called her and she came
    I said that looks like yours
    and that is why I am standing here now.

    hahahahahahaha LOL

  44. Who was the first sick-o to look at a cow and say “hmmm, I think i´l squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out”?

  45. Vasem – some good jokes there, way to go!! Kevin….what the *>*&_+/??? seriously those are not funny dude, what are you smoking? Jokes are something that you hear, you laugh and you want to tell to someone else, not a one-liner that you wish you hadn’t wasted your time reading…..work on your sense of humour because the way it is now – it sucks!!!

    PS a good sense of humour goes a long way with women *hint* *hint*

  46. Two muffins are cooking in the microwave. The one muffin say s to the other ” Wow, its getting hot in here hey???” The other one suddenly starts screaming ” AAAAAAAH !! A talking muffin!!!!”

  48. these jokes are funny but not the funniest jokes ever…. check this out…
    teacher: y did u laugh?
    boy: i saw a srap of ur bra.
    teacher: get out of the class 4 a week
    (2nd boy laugh)
    teacher: y did u laugh?
    2nd boy: i saw both straps of ur bra
    teacher: get out for a month
    she bends down to pick a chalk, little jonny started walking out,
    teacher: jonny where r u going?
    jonny: wat i saw i think my SCHOOL DAYS ARE OVER!!

  49. ok sorry all guys but this is lol: a guy went to the hospital for brain surgery. the doctor said “Womens brains are 100 dollars and the mens are 2000.” The guy asked why and the doctor said that the womens brains were already used.

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