The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  2. The one about the pen and pencil actually happened…

    —

    Did you hear the machine that converts urine to water has stopped working?

    Imagine being the guy who figured that out.

    —
    How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    —
    What does Helen Kellor call the closet?
    Disney world.
    Where does her parents send her when company is over?
    Disney world.

  3. did you hear about the fire at the circus?

    It was in tense
    —————————————–
    What time is cowboy time?

    9:50, 10 to 10,
    —————————————–
    whta do u call a bear with no shoes?

    Bare foot

  4. stevie of gard,

    ur a f’n tard.

    the only thing less funny than that joke is almost certainly you.

    sincerely, dhamian

    P.S. those jokes by leyetbulb were truly amazing. Bravo, genius among men

  7. love theses joke the 10inch bic 1 was awsome i have some jokes 4 u people

    A blonde speeding in a sports car is pulled over the police said ‘may i see your licence’
    she replied ‘OMG yesterday you take it away from me and now you expext me 2 show you it!

  8. i got a joke for you, well it’s not a jjoke but it’s a trick question.

    pick one number from 90-98

    1. use that number times 2

    2. divide that number by 3

    3. add 500 to that number

    4. minus 128 in that number.

    5. is ur number 350? see im a magician.

    TBH Happy halloween, sorry i thoguht it was april fools so i made up that question.

  10. I was in a traffic jam on the way into London and it wasnt even moving. A man was walkinng in and out of the cars talking to everyone so I put my window down. “whats going on?” I said. He said” terrorists have gordon brown hpstage up ahead. Theyre threatening to pour as much petrol as they can find all over him and set him alight unless they get £1000000 immediately so im going round and getting a collection.”
    “how much is everyone giving?” I asked. “about a gallon” he replied

  11. jeez these jokes are funny but none of my bros get them, i guess u hav to b smart or somfin. enough with the dumb blonde jokes too im blond

  12. Yeah umm my mom would always say that exzachary joke! so u never made it up! and none of the jokes are funny at all! except the midget one, that was funny! but anyway yeah so try harder next time!

  13. Some pretty funny jokes there… This is my personal favourite joke, simular to 1 i already read here tho… A lady looks into the mirror and turns to her husband and says “i look terrible fat and and ugly, give me a compliment to make me feel better” so the husband says “well ur eyesight is spot on”

  14. this is a good joke:
    there are a priest, a general, and a millionaire on a plane going somewhere. Their pilot suddenly tells them that they have to much load so they must each drop what they brought with them. the priest drops a bible, general drops a c4 package, and the millionaire, well he drops millions. they then crash who knows where and spot three kids. one is sad, one is happy, and one is laughing. they go to the sad one and ask y r u sad? he says “i was praying and god dropped a bible on my head” then they go up to the happy one and ask y r u happy. he says “i used to be poor and now i hav millions!”. lastly, they go up to the laughing one and ask y he is laughing. he says “i farted, turned around, and my house blew up”. the end.

  15. why do you guys have to be so mean on other countries and so nasty? Including, the way you guys are mean to each other?!

  17. Why do you guys have to be so mean on other countries, and so nasty with your jokes?! Including the way you guys are mean to each other. Besides, all of your guys’ jokes aren’t even the best I’v heard.

  20. you guys are all dumb all 493 of u instead of laughing your heads off at the funniest jokes and the random ones posted u should all be studying so u could become hardy people with big craniums

  21. there were two muffins in an oven and the first muffin said man its hot in here and the second muffin yells aaahhhhhhhhhhhh talkin muffin lol funny i know

  22. the monks of shonova can only speak two words every ten years so one monk joins and after the first ten years the monk says bed hard ten years later he says food gross tens years later he says i quit and the head monk replies finally uve been complainin ever since u goy here

  26. Who was the first person to die at the Battle of the Little Bighorn?

    “Will”.

    General Custer said “fire at will”.

  28. ok here is my joke tell me if you like it

    so a married couple is sleeping and they wake up to find out they have been robbed. so the husband goes to a gun store nd says “got anything special?”
    “well,we have this thing called a magic bullet.”
    “whats that?”
    “well, let me show you”
    so the man gets out the bullet and says “magic bullet my door” and the bullet shoots the door.
    “so wait?”says the husband “all i have to do is say magic bullet my and the name of the object?”
    “yes”
    so the husband bought it and tried it out at home
    “magic bullet my lamp” hits the lamp
    “magic bullet my window” hits the window
    “magic bullet my…………. neighbors window!” and the bullet shot the neighbors window. the neighbor saw what happened and went to the husbands house
    “what the hell did you do that for?” he screamed
    “wait i can explain!”
    “then explain!”
    “well,”said the husband”we just got robbed and we needed good protection, so we got this thing called a magic bullet and-”
    “wha- yeah right! magic bullet my ass!”

    did you like it?

  29. These are okay jokes. I happen to be 13, and I understand all of the jokes but found them mildly amusing. I heard the pencil one before, and I almost peed laughing when I first heard it, but unfortunately the second time you hear a joke, it’s not as funny. Here’s a joke I found extremely funny:

    A nun and priest went golfing. On the first hole the priest misses the hole by a long shot. he cries out,
    “Damn it I missed.”
    “Don’t swear, the Lord will punish you.” The nun tells him.
    They get to around the 10th hole. The priest misses the hole every time he tried to get it in. He yells out,
    “Damn it! I keep on missing.”
    “Don’t swear, the Lord will punish you.” The nun told him.
    Then there was a bolt of lightning, and it struck the nun and killed her. A voice boomed from the clouds,
    “Damn it, I missed!”

    FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!!! There was supposed to be a third miss, but I got tired of typing XP

  33. the brick one cracked me up so much. these jokes on here you have to think them out for a minute. they are really funnieeee!

  41. the enlang joke was funny and the canadian one was hilarious,other than that the rest wre not that funny to be in tha categorie

  42. A man walks by a pet shop and notices a sign on the window, “Talking dog for sale, $20.00” The man is intrigued, a talking dog? He enters the pet shop and finds the shop owner. He asked the owner where the talking dog is, the owner replies he’s in the back. The man walks towards the back of the shop and sure enough he sees the dog talking to a group of customers. The dog is in the middle of a story about his days working for the US government as a spy and how he ended the cold war and helped end Communism in Russia. After 30 minutes of listing to one incredible story after another, the man approaches the shop owner and asked, “How come you’re selling a talking dog for just $20.00?” The owner replies, “Because he’s a damn liar!”

  45. a guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and they both get hammered. the giraffe falls over and the guy goes to walk out of the bar. the barman sais ” you can’t leave that lyin’ there”
    the guy sais ” it’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

  46. 3 guys were wondering through a rain forest and was caught by cannibals. the cannibal king said i’ll give you each a chance to live if you take my trials. you pass the trials i’ll let you leave my rain forest alive. they all agree. so the cannibal king say first all of you go out and bring me back ten pieces of any fruit. they all run away and gather fruit. the first guy comes back with ten apples. cannibal king says shove all ten apples up your ass and dont make a sound. if you do i will eat you. determined to live the guy tries to shove the apples up his ass and screams out in pain after the 3rd apple. cannibals chase him down and they all eat him. the second guy came back with 10 berries, cannibal king tells him shove them up your ass and dont make a sound. if you do i will eat you. simple task for him its just berries. well he gets to the 9th berry and bursts out in laughter so the cannibals eat him as well. the first and second guy meet in the after life and the first guy says dude, why you laugh you was almost done. second guy says i saw the 3rd man coming back with 10 pineapples.

    now thats funny.

  50. OMG I can’t believe I read all 532 comments. Took me like hours. I now have this huge massive headache and I’m seeing spots.

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