The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. hahahaha!!! Of course I haven’t read all of the jokes but I’ve got one of my own! Sorry if it’s already been said because as I’ve said I haven’t read them all…right then:

    1) (sorry to all blondes+this made me chuckle)A blonde was skydiving…she missed the Earth!!!

    2) Two buckets of sick are walking around when one starts wailing and crying uncontrollably! The other says “What’s wrong?” Then the other says “I was brought up in that alley!”

    3) A man and woman see each other in a bar and like the look of each other. The man finally plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a night of talking they both go back to the man’s place! While the man is in the bathroom freshening up the woman is waiting in the bedroom stark naked in his bed. While she is waiting she notices the strangest thing! Every where she looked she was surrounded by teddy bears, and all the shelves were filled with teddy bears, with small pocket ones at the bottom and big daddy bear at the top! When the man comes back she decides not to ask him about it! After a vigorous night of sex, the woman says “Well, how was it for you?” So theman replies “Hmmm, I think you can have a prize from the bottom shelf!!!”

    All the other jokes were funny as well as the comments which are funny with people defending strangers!

  3. This is 2 fish fin

    i don’t think u got the joke…

    I have some jokes, A blond went 2 a hair dresser and she had her ipod in when she got in her seat the hair drasser said I’m sorry i will have 2 take your ipod out the blond said NO PLEASE!!! a couple of minuets after she took the ipod out the blond dropped dead her sister came in and screamed WHY DID U TAKE HER IPOD OUT!!!!
    the hair dresser put one of the ear phones in her ear and it said “breath in….breath out…… breath in……. breath out…. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

  4. A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde? Her mother replied, Of couse it is darling . The next day, the blonde said, I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?Her mother replied, Of course it is darling!The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?Her mother replied, No dear, I think it is because you are fourteen years old.

    HAHAHA! get it she is 14

  5. I love 353’s joke

    Q: Why was six afraid of seven?

    A: Because seven’s dad owns a gun.

    lol i thought it was 789

    seven “ate” nine

  6. What do you do when a doofus throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back

    Why did the doofus climb the class wall? to see what was on the other side

    What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor ? Where’s my tractor?

    How do you get a one armed doofus out of a tree? Wve to him

  7. HERE’S A DECENT JOKE: THERE WAS ONCE A PERFECTS STUDENT. EVERYTHING THE TEACHER DID HE’D DO. WHEN THE TEACHER WROTE ON THE BOARD HE WOULD WRITE IT IN HIS NOTEBOOK. EVERYTIME THE TEACHER ERASED THE BOARD, HE WOULD ERASE IT FROM HIS NOTEBOOK.

  13. how can 5 elephants take a ride on a bike at the same time ???
    1 elephant on front seat and 2nd one on back seat and make sure he holds the bottle …remember the bottle with the three elephants .

  14. seriously people, freaking a. if you dont think the jokes are funny than simply click outta the website. if you have a problem, than ignore it. dont start another one. and ps love the jokes :D

  19. a man walks into a bar with a small newt on his sholder and order 2 drinks the bar tender ask’s”whos the other one for” and the man replys”my friend he’s my newt

    miniut=smaall
    my newt=miniut

  20. these jokes are god awful. it would be in your best interest to never speak of them again. i have never posted anything on these stupid internet blog things but after reading these jokes i had to say something… after reading them i wanted to vomit and shit all over myself and then punch a infant. i award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul

  21. 4 people are on a small plane, the smartest boy in the world, and elderly priest, a young housewife, and the pilot. The plane experiences engine failure and the pilot alerts the passengers that there are only three parachutes. The pilot says, “I have a wife and three kids, so I get one”. So the pilot jumps. The smartest boy in the world says, “I might find the cure for cancer one day, so I get one too”. So the boy jumps. The priest then looks at the lady and says, “God will take me in to heaven, you may have the last parachute”. The lady then says, “No need, the smartest boy in the world jst jumped off with my diaper bag.”

  22. A man in the desert was dehydrated and lost. He looked ahead to see a pond. When he got there he realized it was a mirage. It was a tie stand in the middle of nowhere. The man asks “do you have any water, please”. The Tie salesman says “No water, just ties only $5 each. The closest restaurant is 50 miles south.” The man says, “You idiot, I don’t need a tie, I need water!”, and walked away as the tie salesman smiled. Days later the man came crawling back to the tie stand and said, “The damn resturaunt won’t let me in without a tie!”

  23. The first and second jokes were quite funny but the rest were lame. The jokes on the comments were even more lame. Come on. Jokes concerning Q&A aren’t funny at all. Well, its only funny for the younger ones. As you mature, you would prefer parodies, idiocy and pranks.

  24. ok these jokes arnt too bad but get a load of this one it made me fall off my chair:

    This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

    All his professionalism goes right out the window…He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.”Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?”Yes, checking for abnormalities.”

    she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.

    “Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

    She replies, “Yes, getting herpies’ – that’s why I am here!”

  25. ok this is funny

    A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…
    ‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’

    She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”
    So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

    Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

  26. 429 i read ur comment!

    Please listen carefully, for the selections have changed:

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly,

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2.

    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, & 6

    If you are a paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are schizophrenic, you will either hear a voice tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive and in the down phase, it doesn’t matter which number you press, we wi11 not answer, and if we do, we would not able to help you-and we charge an arm and a leg. if you are in the upper phase, then everything is fine and you don’t need help (yet)-nor do we need our counselor listening to your endless chatter.

    If you are paranoid-schizophrenic, watch out! The thing you are holding on the side of your head has just woke-up, and it is about to bite you head off.

    If you are merely a neurotic mess or borderline, you have already pushed everybody’s buttons.

  30. two brunettes and a blonde were about to be shot by iraq because they joined the army and killed one of there men.they hatch a plan and by the time it was finished it was shooting time. the first brunette came out and as they were about to shoot she pointed behind them and said “huricane” and ran off. the second brunette came out and as they were about to shoot she shouted “tsunami” and ran off. then the blonde came out and as they were about to shoot ahe shouted “fire!”

  33. This joke is about the WORLD!!!
    Flo-rida went to do some shopping in Iceland, ate turkey,jumped on Tasmania and got eaten by Wales!!!

    I hope you liked it

  38. well like comment #556 the first 2 was very well not all that funny. the rest of the jikes werent all that funny. what im about to say i wouldnt consider rude but just givn an opinion. anways, whoever wrote these jokes needs an upgrade on their jokes. the first 2 were awesome. whwre didi you get tham from. i think u should have gotten the rest fro the same place you got the first 2 from. thanks for allowing me to post a comment on this very lovely website. no i do not talk to much. i kno that is what most of u r thinking but your thinkin wrong. okay im just gonna stop talkin and let everbody read my long a** paragraph.THANK YOU ALL FOR ……….IDK but THANKS!!!!!!!!

  39. there was a duck that walked into the store and asked,
    ‘dude, do you have any grapes?’
    The guy answers,
    ‘no sir, we dont have any grapes.’

    the duck came back to the store an hour later and repeats,
    ‘dude, do you have any grapes?’
    The guy answers,
    ‘no sir, we dont have any grapes.’ but in an impatiant way.

    then the duck came back to the store AGAIN an hour later and repeats,
    ‘dude, do you have any grapes?’
    The guy answers,
    ‘no sir, we dont have any grapes.’ practically yelling.

    ‘and if you come back again ill stapel your feet to the ceiling.’

    so five minutes later the duck comes back an asks the man,
    ‘dude do you have any staples?’
    the man goes ‘no’
    ‘GOOD! do you have any grapes?’
    i loved this joke since i was 12(:

  42. i have three jokes
    why are pirates pirates
    because they arrrrr
    ha bob my parents didnt let me go see the pirate movie
    bob why
    me because it was rated arrrrrrr

  45. Q:Have you ever seen the movie constipated?

    you should say no

    A:cause it never came out.
    i would like to thank my friend harrison for that one

  46. So there are two atoms floating in space….
    One atom goes to the other one and says “Hey, I lost an electron.”
    The second atom says “Are you sure?”
    The first atom says “Yeah, I’m positive.”

  50. Hey Cody (558) read joke #414 and learn from it.
    that’s the right way to tell that joke….your way (not only was it a rip off of my original telling) it wasn’t even funny the way you told it.

    Some people on here need to learn how to tell a joke. Others are just hillarious. If one more person re-hashed the old duck asking for grapes joke…..come on, it was mildly amusing at best the first time around….the third time it just isn’t even funny.

    Also, here’s a tip for all of you. When you think you have something original to tell, go to the “EDIT” button in internet explorer, and then hit “FIND ON THIS PAGE” then type in a keyword from your joke. If your joke is about a duck, type in the word “DUCK” and then search for it here. It will show you every occurence of the word “DUCK” and you will know if your joke is already here, and save yourself the embarrasment of re-posting the same joke two or three or four times. Keep up the good jokes everyone!!!!

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