The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  4. ok, all of those jokes sucked, exept for the flaming duck feet one that was pretty funny. heres a joke thats better than all of those:
    what goes ha ha, thud.
    someone laughing their head off

  6. the only one i like is the sherlock holmes one. here are some cheesy jokes

    3 men walk into a bar. the 4th one ducks.
    there are 2 fish in a tank. one says ill drive you man the guns.

    get it cuz the fish are in like a army tank and the guys hit there head on a bar. hahaha i know they kinda suck

  7. 2 kids were sitting in class and the girl named Mary was asleep. The teacher said, “Mary, who created Earth?” The other kid poked Mary with a pin. “God Almighty!” Mary yelled. “Very good” the teacher said. 15 minutes later the teacher said,”Now Mary, who was God’s son?” The other kid poked Mary with the pin. “Jesus Christ!” Mary exclaimed. 10 minutes after that, the teacher said,”Mary, what did Eve say after her and Adam had their 23d child?” The kid pokes Mary with the pin. “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’m going to break it in half!” *Teacher faints*

  8. A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,”Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asks, “Whats is it supposed to be when it”s finished?” The blonde says, According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. she lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. he studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then he turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he sighed………. “Let’s put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

  14. A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Delaware.With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, ‘I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, ‘You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.

  16. Jokes are very funny if you are grown enough to understand them, especially one with baby in the bus (I’ll hold ya monkey) :))). BUT!!!!!!!!! Commenters are IDIOTS, really nonsense. So stupid. eeyaaakk!!!!

  17. i have never seen something so amazing in my life love every joke never lughed as hard in my life as i did after reading this….

    VERY GOOD WORK!!

  20. im a blonde and i think this ones funny

    so there are 2 blondes on either sides of a river.
    one blonde yells to the other, “hey, how do you get to the other side?!”
    the second one replies, “what do you mean? you ARE on the other side!!”
    well i think its funny so keep ur mean comment 2 urself

  24. the funniest joke i have ever heard is…. Yo mama so hairy when she walked outside the neighbors called animal patrol and every time the kids went to the gorilla cage they said”,oh look thers mommy………ya gett it

  26. ok so a mushroom walks into a club. everywhere he goes to dance the people just walk away from him.
    so he walks up to a big group of girls and goes to start dancing well they start to walk off so he stops them and says
    “come on, why wont anybody dance with me, im a fun guy”
    if you dont get it. its like fungi or fungus

  27. My mama has this disease called Yo Mama So Stupid.
    This doctor said the symptoms were sitting on the TV and watching the sofa.

  28. an invisible man walks into the medical centre and makes an appointment, the lady at the service desk says to the doctor that he is coming in now, and th doctor replied, TELL HIM I CANT SEE HIM

  30. This is a good joke:

    “What’s the definition of a double blind study?
    Two orthopods (orthopeidic surgeons) looking at a chest X-ray.”

  31. SUM OF THE JOKES R OKAYY… =) THIS ONE IS FUNNY BUT KINDA FOR YOUNG KIDS SO HERE IT IS… (REALLY OLD JOKE) :
    THERE WAS A MAN LOOKING FOR A HOTEL ROOM. HE FINALLY FOUND ONE AND WANTED TO RENT IT, BUT, THE GUY SAID THAT ITS NOT AVAILABLE THE MAN ASKED WHY NOT?? HE SAID BECAUSE THERE WAS A FAMOUS WRESTLER AND HE RENTED THAT ROOM THEN HE HEARD SOMEONE SAY “IM GUNNA GET U GET U GET U AND IM GUNNA EAT U EAT U EAT U” THE WRESTLER GOT SOO SCARED THAT HE JUMPED OUT OF THE WINDOW THEN THERE WAS A MODEL WHO RENTED IT NEXT SHE WAS PUTTING ON MAKEUP WHEN SHE HEARD THE SAME THING THAT THE WRESTLER HEARD AND SHE GOT SOO SCARED THAT SHE RAN OUT OF THE WINDOW… THE MAN THAT WANTED THE ‘HAUNTED ROOM’ SO BADLY TOLD THE GUY TO CUM WITH HIM IN THAT ROOM AND WAIT AT THE DOOR THEN…..THE MAN ENTERS THE ROOM AFTER A FEW SECONDS HE HEARS THE SAME NOISE AND TRIES TO HEAR WHERE IT COMES FROM…. HE FINDS OUT THAT IT IN THE CLOSET… HE OPENS IT…. THEN HE FINDS A SMALL BOY PICKING HIS NOSE AND SAYING “IM GUNNA GET U GET U GETU IM GUNNA EAT U EAT U EAT U!!” lolzxxxxzzzz xoxo Ash <3

  33. A Boy asks a Wealthy Old Man how he became Rich. The Old Guy says “Son it was 1932 during the Depression & I was down to my last Nickel. I invested that Nickel in an Apple & spent the entire day polishing it & sold it for 10 cents. The next day I invested the 10 cents in 2 apples & sold them for 20 cents. I did this fo…r a month by the end of which I had $2.37. Then my wife’s Father Died and left us 3 Million Dollars

  34. A guy who lives in the city decides to move out west to get away from it all. He buys 100 acres and it is in the middle of no where. His closest neighbor is 10 miles away.

    He is out there for several months and working on his old farm house and tending to a few animals when a guy walks up on his front porch…

    “Howdy Neighbor!!” says the stranger

    “Hi” he says back

    “Say, I am your next door neighbor, I live a few miles down the road and wanted to be a courdial neighbor and see if you were interested in coming over to my house tonight for a party I am having?”

    “A party?? Cool. Thanks.”

    The stranger goes on “I should probably warn you, there’s gunna be some drinkin”

    “Drinking?? Great, I could use a few cold ones. sound good.”

    “I should also warn you that there’s gunna probably be some fightin.”

    “Oh I am ok with that. I used to box in college, thats cool.”

    The stranger continues…”And of course there will be a lot of swearing. is that ok?”

    “Sure. I can curse like a sailor in the right setting.”

    “Well i should tell you one more thing, theres gunna be some fornicating too.”

    The city slicker excitedly says “Man i haven’t had sex in almost a year. Awesome!! This party sounds great!! What should I wear??”

    “Doesn’t matter. It’ll just be the two of us.” Says the stranger.

  36. a blonde is walking down the street with her brunette friend. The blonde was eating salted peanuts.The brunette yells at a guy and said “im not gunna stand here and be asaulted..”
    “peanut?!” says the blonde

  38. So I’m sitting in a bar having a drink, when I realize I really need to fart. The music is pretty loud so I decide to time my farts to the beat. I get up to leave having finished my drink when i see everyone is looking at me.

    That’s when I realized I was listening to my iPod.

  39. Hello there,
    these jokes are not funny!
    the only one that is slightly bit funny is hte monkey/kid one, it reminds us of some girl in our classs

  40. heres one a blonde and a black hair girl walk into a pub and the bartender turns on the 12.00 news and a boy is about to jump of the empire state building and they bet the black hair girl says i bet you he will jump and the blonde hair girl says i bet you he wont jump and the boy jumps and the black haired girl says ha i can take your money and then the black haired girl says i knew because i saw on 6.00 clock news and the blonde hair girl says so did i but i didnt think he would to it again HAHA

  42. heres a joke

    what did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light ? don’t look i’m changing

  47. …..oh just remembered one a mother comes to live with her son the son comes home one day and finds her on the floor he takes her to the hospital and the doctor comes out and says i have good and badnews your mother had a stroke the son says whats the good news the doctor said your mother didnt die but lost control of her voice box and when she tris to talk she sounds like a dieing parrot she is paralized now so your going to have to feed her and change her diaper wow said the son if thats the good news whats the bad? the doctor laughs and says no im just kidding shes dead…… i know its messed up but its still funny

  48. why do most of you post jokes that are already up there??? just because you change a couple word doesnt make it a new joke….

  49. I dont agree with any of these people!! These jokes are soo funny i literally LOL’ed!!! Keep up the good work! :~)

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