The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. Funny blonde joke

    A blonde walks into a barber shop listening to her ipod. The barber begins to cut her hair but when he gets to the side of the head he asks her to take out her headphones, but she doesn’t reply. he begins cutting the rest of her hair until he has nothing left to do but the side of her head. he asks her to take out her headphones but there is still no reply so he pulls them out and starts cutting her hair. a few minutes later she slumps back into her chair and stops breathing so he checks her pulse and she is dead. out of curiosity he puts the headphones into his ears and hears a voice saying breathe in…… breathe out……. breathe in……. breathe out…..

  2. omg fire girl like u would keep a note in ur journal about jokes that must be sooooo boring .. ive got 1 why was tiger looking down the toilet to find poo lol thats funny to meeee .

  5. I can’t believe it. I have just read the 612 jokes and I think that most of them are really funny, there were some that almost make me pee and sometimes poo LOL well here are a couple of jokes that I KNOW that is not up there:

    two kids talking
    kid 1: I’ll never forget the last words that my mother said
    Kid 2: what she said
    Kid 1: “hey, you fricking moron, don’t move the ladder!!!!”

    _________________________________________________

    A bear was walking and he fell, did you think was funny?

    NO

    Neither the bear!

    ________________________________________________

    This is an awesome page I really love it

    BYE

  15. i made this joke up the other day!!!

    so this guy starts getting a disease of fungus living on his arm, but he doesnt want to rip it off because he might get infected. SO he goes to the doctor to get it checked out:
    DOCTOR: OK, we will start the procedure now. We will remove the fungus.
    MAN: Wait, I don’t think i want to go through with this…
    DOCTOR:
    Why don’t you want to remove the fungus?
    MAN: Because it’s growing on me!

  16. i have one and no offence intended

    There are 4 people at the top of the eiffel tower and the first is american, he threw money over the edge and the others asked why he said im rich in money at home. the second was french, he poured champange over the edge and the others asked why, he said im rich in wine. The third was english and the forth was blonde and stupid The english man looked at the stupid blonde women and she looked at him and said don’t you dare!!

    i find that funny hope you like it :D

  17. theres an englishman irishman and scotishman at the top of a a hill, and they have just found a magic lamp. So they rub it and a genie pops out.
    ” if you roll down this hill and shout something i will magic you into a giant bowl full of what you say. ” said the genie.
    The englishman dives down the hill and screams ” money! ” so he lands in a bowl of money.
    The scotishman jumps down and yells ” women! ” so he lands in a bowl full of women.
    The irishmen happily runs down……………..he trips over a rock and yelps ” SH*T ” so he lands a gigantic bowl full of sh*t!

    HA! HA! HA! HA! LoL

  24. i know a good joke>>>>
    i did your mom……….
    ….a favor…………..
    …by making you………
    …..a sandwich.

  25. yo mama is so fat when she walked pass the tv i missed out of 5 movies 2 tv shows 18 comercials

  26. and one more thing
    yo mama is so old she got her bible signed by jesus so cya i’ll write an other joke on the 17th of augaust

  27. this is a very funny joke/poem

    A little girl stood on the bridge one night,
    her lips were quite a quiver,
    she gave a cough her head fell off,
    and floated down the river.

  29. PLEASE READ THIS IT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! ok so a couple goes 2 church but every time the husband falls asleep the wife softly pokes him with a pin to wake him up. the priest asks “who is gods son”. the man falls asleep then the wife pokes him with the pin. then he screams “Jesus!” then the priest replys “correct”. then the priest asks “who is jesus?” then the man is poked again and screams “christ almighty!”. the preist replys “correct”. Then the priest asks “what did eve say to adam after their 100th child?” the man is poked again and screams “if u stick that thing in me one more time i swear to god i’ll shove it up your ass!” the whole church stares at him in silence

  35. power of physics!!!
    a box had to be opened,
    mathematician came:applied all logic,calculations etc.., but failed to open
    chemist pro came-used all the chemicals but failed to open the box..
    at last:th physicist came:
    he said:let us assume the box is open.:=))

  36. A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. haha xD

  37. Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?” The second guy says, “No.” “A bald eagle just flew over head.” “Oh.” A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, “Did you see that?” “No.” “Therewas a black bear walking on that hill over there.” “Oh.” A few minutes later the second guy says, “Did you see that?” The second guy, getting aggravated, says, “Yes, I did!” The first guy then says, “Then why did you step in it?”

  39. theres a redhead a blonde and a brunette, they are all stuck on an island and there is a ship 100 miles away:
    the redhead tries to swim and drowns on the 77th mile
    the brunette tries to swim and drowns on the 67th mile
    the blonde swims 99 miles, but she gets too tired so she swims back. =)

  43. Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ‘
    The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
    The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’
    The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’
    The first one responds, ‘So am I!’
    ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
    The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
    The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’
    The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
    The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
    The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
    About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
    Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
    Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
    ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

    hahahahaha, its funny because there drunk

  45. 2 muffins are in an oven. one muffins says to the other
    “holy crpa its hot in here”
    and the other muffin says
    “holy crap a talking muffin”

  49. My friend told me this 1 k
    How do u trick a dumb blond?
    Put her in a circle shaped room and tell her there is 50 dollars in the corner

    how does the dumb blond trick u?
    She comes out of the room with the 50 dollars and says thank you.

    Hope u liked it :)

  50. these jokes are kinda funny. i have one though. what do u do if a blonde throws a gernade at u? pull the pin and throw it back!! another one is: there were three girls and they had to swim to the island to get gold. first girl went to about half way, drowned. 2nd girl went a third of the way, drowned. a blonde went for half of the way and felt tired and swam half of the way back to the boat.

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