The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  3. I loved da ‘I Gotta Pea’ song at da top!!!! LOL!!! A few more things: I have to admit dat some of you peeps know how to make a person laf. I’m one of dose peeeps, dat its HARD to make laf . SO tumbs up everyone who at leest tried to make peeeps like me laf! KEEP UP DA REALLY FUNNY JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good luck !

  4. ha ha ha this are the funniest jokes i have ever seen > its just a very good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i liked the jokes

  7. there were 1 men that were working on a site, and the 1 man said if i get pea nut butter in my sandwiches again i will jump off this building.

    Then the 2 man said if i get jam in my sandwiches again i will jump off this building.

    Then the 3 man said if i get ham in my sandwiches again i will jump off this building.

    The next day the 1 man got pea nut butter so he jumped off the building, the 2 man got jam so he jumped off the building and the 3 man got ham so he jumped off the building.

    The next day, at the funeral the 3 wifes were talking to each other and the 1 wife said he should of told me that he didn’t like pea nut butter, i would not of gave it to him.

    The 2 wife said same, he should of told me and the 3 wife said it was not my fault, he made his own sandwiches !!!!

  10. haha i made this joke up. I think.
    So a man is lost in a forest. It starts getting dark out. So he is praying to God, saying “God please give me a tent.” Nothing happens, and he spends the rest of the night shivering. Then the next day comes, and he begs and pleads with God saying, “God, please give me a tent. PLEASE!” and still nothing happens. Then finally, the third day he prays again. He begs and pleads and says “God, i and begging you. Please give me a tent!” Then a bottle of Viagra falls from the sky

  13. A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

    The sailor took his first shot missed and said, “Sh*t, I missed.”

    Surprised, the priest replied, “Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you.”

    The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, “Sh*t, I missed again.”

    The priest overheard and replied, “My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you.” The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, “Oh Sh*t”

    The priest said, “That it god will certainly punish you.” Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, “Sh*t, I Missed”.

  15. jaon thats a great joke but that would not be liked by people who like god but really (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

  16. dude these jokes suck you guys suck at telling them, except for a few. Now here is two:

    why did one mushroom wanna play with the other? He seemed like a fun-guy

    What happened to the two snails that got in a fight? they really slugged it out

  17. I find it funny don’t know if anyone else will ha:)…I went to the doctors complaining about… everywhere i touch it hurts and i just remembered i had broken my finger!

  19. This guy is sitting at a bar all day when he decides it’s time to go home because his wife hates it when he drinks too much at the tavern. He pays his tab and turns to leave but falls flat on his face. The bar tender says to him “you sure you’re gonna be alright, Johnny?” “I’m fine” says Johnny, “I’ll just crawl outside for some air and I’ll be fine” So Johnny gets outside, pulls himself up on a stoop and starts to feel well enough to get moving again. He tries to stand but falls flat on his face again. This happens a couple more times and Johnny thinks to himself, “Well, I live close enough that I’ll just pull myself along the sidewalk until I’m home and it’ll be OK”

    So Johnny drags his drunken body the two blocks to his home, pulls himself up the front steps, drags himself up to the door, stands up bracing against the house as he unlocks the door, he opens the door and falls flat on his face again, just inside the house.

    “Shhhhh!” Johnny thinks to himself, “or she’ll know ya been out drinking”. So Johnny pulls himself up the stairs and down the hall to his bed room. He pulls himself up at the foot of the bed and falls flat on his face again. He tries again to stand and this time he falls face first into bed and passes out.

    The next morning he is awakened by his wife’s yelling at him. “What’s wrong, darling?” says Johnny. “You were out drinking last night at the tavern down the street” she says. Johnny denies it. “I know you were” she says”the bartender called to tell me you left your wheelchair there again!”

  20. A blonde and a brunette are walking together through the woods when they come upon some tracks. The blonde exclaims, “Oh, look deer tracks!”, and the brunette argues, “those aren’t deer tracks, ya bimbo. They are bear tracks. I have spent a lot of time in the woods and I know what tracks are when I see them!” The blonde disagrees and the two argue back and forth for a long time while they stand over the tracks looking down at them. That’s when they were both run over by the train.

  21. An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

    Love,
    Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

    Love,
    Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
    arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love you,
    Vinnie

  22. 3 men check into a hotel the clerk says ”Well there’s 1 room left,But its haunted.” So the men say ”well we ain’t scared of no ghost.” The 1s’t man walks in and starts to unpack.Then he hears :”Now i got ya where i want ya now i’m gonna eat ya!.He jumps out the window.The second man does the same.The last man hears it goes ”Hmmm.”Looks in the closet sees a monkey picking his nose looking at it and says that long but funny.

  26. I have sat here and red all these jokes! Wow. Took me a few hours. I have to admit. Alot of comments are very funny. Best joke was #261.

  31. @ Gabriel… you noob… the second joke : -What happened to the two snails that got in a fight? they really slugged it out – is the one that sucked the most… snails and slugs are two different organisms..

  32. I apologize for my severe inconsideration, so allow me to reiderate, there is a tremendous amount of people with no sense of illiteracy.

  33. what the heck those were not funny!! i am 96 years old and i still don’t think they were funny!

  34. Most of these jokes were worth reading. Some made me laugh. The Texas Chili cook off joke made me laugh so hard I had to stop reading it 3 times to catch my breath.

    The Canadian joke about the astronauts might have been funny if Canada had ever managed to make it into space themselves.

  35. there was a blond walking down the street carrying a fine looking pig. the man asked her where she got the pig. the pig repllied i won her at the fair. then the man (blond) wispers under his breath i want a blond one too. the man then quickly asks the pig where the fair is. the pig says the fair is left. so the man went home.

  36. so theres a blond a redhead and a brunette that had just robbed a bank. if they moved the police would shoot. the redhead yelled hurricane and the cops turned around and the redhead got away. the brunette yelled valcano eruption and the cops turned around and the brunette got away. the blond yelled fire and the cops fired their guns at her.

  37. WARNING-THIS IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY
    Well, sorta mature…

    A man walks into a store with only his boxers on. The clerk asks why he is dressed like that and where he has been. “On top of Blueberry Hill,” he replied. “Then you need to leave. No shoes, no shirt, no service,” said the clerk. The man leaves.
    Another man comes in with only his boxers on. The clerk asks why he is dressed like that and where he has been. “On top of Blueberry Hill,” her replied. “Then you need to leave. No shoes, no shirt, no service.” The man leaves.
    A woman walks into the store with only her undergarments on. “Don’t tell me- you’ve been on Blueberry Hill?”
    “On Blueberry Hill?” the woman replied. “I AM Blueberry Hill.”

  41. ok well here is a funny joke

    there were kids in a english class one french one german and one latin the teachr said that you have to make a sentenc with the worr pink yello and green the french says i walked down a park and i saw a beatifull lady with a pink ribbon yellow sun and green shose the german says i was walking down the street and i saw a green tree with yello flowers and a pink rose then the latin says i was sittin at my home mindin my own buisness and sudenly the phone goer green green i pink up the phone and say yellow

    i am half latin

  42. ElvesAreGonnaTakeOverTheWorld you stole that joke from me + its not the men have just been on Blueberry hill! It’s the men say ” I have just been doing press ups on mary hill! Mary Hill not Blueberry Hill Nobodys name would be blueberry LOL unless they were from an episode of strawberry shortcake LOL and its press-ups!

  44. these jokes suk so does mine probally but heck who cares…
    joke- why was the blonde fired from the m&m factory?

    answer- she threw out all the w’s!

    dumb right….i know….no gassip thou please and if u say a thing…. from me to you shut the hel* up! xoxo love u guys!….by da way to all those peeps tellin peeps to study and do homework…maybe u should consider ur advice……u roasted!

  47. I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU GUYS:
    THERE WAS A MAN AND WOMAN LYING ASLEEP IN THEIR BEDS WHEN SUDDENLY SOMEONE KNOCKS ON THEIR DOOR. THE MAN GETS UP RELUCTANTLY TO ANSWER THE DOOR. THERE IS A TERRIBLE STORM GOING ON OUTSIDE. WHEN THE MAN FINALLY ANSWERS THE DOOR TO FIND A HOBO LOOKING GUY AT THE DOOR. HE ASKS THE MAN THAT OWNS THE HOUSE IF HE COULD GIVE HIM A PUSH. THE GUY TELLS HIM TO GET STUFFED HIS BROKEN DOWN CAR IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. WHEN HE GETS BACK TO BED HIS WIFE CONVINCES HIM TO HELP THE POOR BUGGER, SO THE MAN RELUCTANTLY GETS HIS RAIN COAT AND BOOTS ON AND GOES OUTSIDE TO HELP THE HOBO. HE COULD HARDLY SEE BECAUSE OF THE RAIN “MATE ARE YOU STILL OUT THERE”.
    YHEA MATE” REPLIES THE HOBO.
    “WHERE ARE YOU”!
    “ON THE SWING”!!!

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