The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  3. heres a joke: in the old days when men would curse and hit the ground with sticks it was called witchcraft, now it’s called golf.

  4. wow………………………just wow.

    did u hear the joke about the deaf guy? no? well neither did he!

  6. shut up with the comments… id like to see you guys make a site like this. oh, heres a good momma joke:
    yo mamas so easy, a caveman can do it

  7. Here Is A Funny Joke For You, The Smart Blonde. A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

    Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

    This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

    The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn”.

    She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

    The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

    The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

    Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

  8. A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him: “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”

    The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

    The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

  9. An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”

    The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

    So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

    The bartender says, “Sir, you don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

    The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”

    The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

    Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

    The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”

  14. One day a rabbit and a bear were going poo.the bear said,”do you have any problem with poo?”the rabit said no.So the bear wiped his butt with th rabit.

  15. there are 3 girls driving in the middle of the desert when all of the sudden the car breaks down. There is a red head, a brunette and a blond. Its very hot and they all want to keep cool. So the red head grabs a water bottle and explains that when she gets hot walking down the desert she will drink some water to keep cool and hydrated. Then the brunette finds an umbrella and explains that she will walk with the umbrella so that it will give her shade and keep her cool. But then they look over at the blond and she her taking off the car door and when shes finished they ask her why she is walking down the desert carrying a car door. She replies. “It’s simple. When ever i get hot i will just roll down the window.” lol

  16. i have one…..once three guys heard about an enchanted cliff,the legend went that if you had the guts to jump down from it…you would become whatever you shouted on the way down.The first guy jumped and shouted”eagle”.he became an eagle and soared off majestically. The second guy shouted billionaire. suddenly his private jet came and swooped him away.The third guy thought for a bit,and then ran towards the cliff.but just as he’s about to jump,his foot hits a rock breaking it..so he falls,screaminh=”OH SHEEIITT!!” :D roflol

  17. You bitter people! These jokes are funny! Quit hating on others, and just admit their funny!

  23. Yeah right. Quit being such a killjoy! Everybody has their own opinions. I didn’t laugh out loud at any of them, but they weren’t too bad. I liked the one where the man got the faceplant, that was OK. I wish they’d be a little more funny, though. xxxxxxxxxx ;D

  25. lol listen to this one… a man decided to go on a vacation to florida with his wife. she couldnt go becouse of a meeting at work, so she decided to come late. once he checked into his hotel he decided to send an email back to his wife. he couldnt remember it and got one letter wrong. instead he sent it to a widow whos husband just died. she screamed and fell down. this is what it said:

    Hey, just checked in, im arranging for you to check in tomorrow. from your loving husband. PS. Its hot down here!

  26. Who has albino poop? Birds. LOL SMILEY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  29. The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word ” definitely ” in a sentence.

    Little Johnny replies, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?”

    The Teacher says, “Of course not Johnny,”

    To which Johnny replies, “Then I have definitely crapped my pants”.

  31. okay heres another one! I made this up but if someone already posted it then im srry i didnt know!

    A brunette and a blonde are texting each other about the big party next saturday. Here are the messages.
    Brunette: Whatcha wearing 2 da party
    Blonde: A pink dress wit a kity on it
    Brunette: cool.
    Blonde: What time is the party starting?
    Brunette: IDK
    Blonde: What does IDK mean?
    Brunette: I don’t know
    Blonde: GOSH! NOBODY KNOWS!

  33. heres a joke for u why is Cinderella so bad at soccer,because she keeps running away from the ball,,,,,,,,,,, lol

  34. omg best joke eva: what type of rocks do u find at the bottom of the mississippi river?????

    Wet ones!!! omg hahaha lol

  39. only some of these jokes are funny but still:
    OMG! you scared the crap out of me! take off that mask! its no even close to Halloween… oh wait thats your face… >=D

    not even that funny

    yo mamas so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

    that i laughed my head off at

    some people say this is a blonde joke, but when i heard it it was a yo mama joke:

    yo mamas so stupid she was going to disneyland and saw a sign that said “disneyland left” and she turned around and went home

    i didnt laugh at that one but its still pretty funny

    this is the last yo mama joke. i made this today:

    yo mamas so fat she put sugar on her cake

    and my sister made this up. chinese people dont feel insulted because im chinese too:

    how do chinese people get their last name?
    they throw a tin can at a wall and listen to what sound it makes. PING CHANG WANG!

    hey, you know how back in time people used to eat only to survive? well what if you took a bag of hot cheetoes and gave it to native americans? i can see it now.
    “oh, you eat this to survive?” lol

  43. This is a bit wrong.

    Yo mamma’s so stupid on her job application when it asked her sex she put,”Mondays, Fridays, and sometimes Wedesdays.” When I heard that I was around a first grader. Thank God she didn’t know what it ment.

  44. CANADA SCORES BEST, BUT MINE IS FUNNIER…
    A CANADIAN DEFENSE MINISTER ALWAYS ENTERS IMPORTANT CABINET MEETINGS LAST. A FELLOW MINISTER, WHO IS NOT HIS FRIEND REMARKS “YOU’RE LATE AGAIN, JOE! PLAYING WITH YOUR GENERALS, WERE YOU?” THE DEFENSE MINISTER STARES AT THE LOWLY MINISTER OF WOMEN’S ISSUES AND CALMLY STATES “MADAM, I ONLY PLAY WITH MY PRIVATES!”
    BASED ON A STORY I HEARD THAT THE TELLER SWEARS IS TRUE.

  47. Some of these jokes ARE actually offensive + they aren’t funny. I didn’t laugh one single bit!

  49. i got another 1 for u guys:
    A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. “You’re a kind lady, so I’ll grant you one wish,” the genie tells her.
    “See this cat? I’d rather have a strong, handsome man,” she says.
    The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.
    “Do you have anything to say before we make love?” she asks.
    “Yes,” he says. “I bet you wish you hadn’t had me neutered last week.”

  50. last joke, i hope it’s as gud as de 2 jokes above:
    Vlad gets pulled over after a high-speed car chase. “I’m going to help you out,” says the police officer. “Give me a good excuse and I won’t write you a ticket.” “Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop,” Vlad explains. “So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back.”
    thx for readin all 3.

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