The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  4. the jokes are alright but i have a joke for ye
    what do ye do when a blond throws a grenade at you?

    you take the pin out and throw it back LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Some one told me to go see the movie “The Last Airbender” – I thought I was going to see a documentary on the life of Prince Charles.

  7. hahah the joke that made me laugh the hardest was rays because it was so dumb and POINTLESS!!!!!!!!! hahahahha get it?!?!? POINTless??!?!? no? ok………………..

  8. why did the man with one hand cross the road!!!!

    because he had to get to the second hand shop!

    funny hey

  9. This is a joke I heard from a friend of mine: A duck with a lisp walks into a Ice cream shop, walks up to the counter and asks “Got any gwapes?” the man at the counter says “Of course we don’t have any grapes, this is an ice cream shop!!!” so the duck walks out. the next day the same duck comes back in and asks the same question, so the man at the counter says “Look we don’t have any grapes, and if you come in and ask me that, I’ll nail your feet to the floor!!!”. So the next day the same duck comes in and asks ” got any nailz?” the man at the counter says ” NO!!! we don’t have any nails!!!” so the duck asks “got any gwapes?”
    lol!!!

  12. there was a blonde, brunett and a red head, and they were getting chased by the police.The girls run into this alley and find 3 sack’s, so they jump into them. the police follow them into the alley and kick the brunett’s bag “meow”… they move along and kick the red head’s sack “woof”… then they kicked the blonde’s sack then they heard “Potatoes”

  16. 3 girls followed the tracks. the blonde girl followed the tracks and found a deer, the read headed girl found a monkey and the brown headed girl came back with a broken leg and missing teeth and said”I followed the train tracks”

  17. there’s a crazy man in an airplane. he went to the bathroom, pulled out the toilet, and threw it out the window. why?
    -because he was crazy.

    okay, that was a bad one. heres another one.

    a 98 year old lady was taking a walk. she suddenly died. why?
    -not because she’s old, but because the toilet the crazy man threw out the plane window hit her on the head!!

    :D

  18. so these 3 guys walk into a bar and the bartender puts a bb in each of their beers. so the first guy drinks his beer and goes to the bathroom and he comes back out and hes like hey guys guess what their like what and hes like i peed out a bb. so the second guy drinks his beer and goes to the bathroom then he comes back out and hes like hey guys guess what and their like what and hes like i peed out a bb. so the 3rd guy drinks his beer and he goes to the bathroom then about 5 minutes later he comes back out and hes like hey guys guess what and their like u peed out a bb and hes like no i accidentally shot a cat

  22. I laugh at everything, im just one of those people! I like the ones on here :)!
    Here’s mine….
    A hamburger walks into a bar and asks for a bag of nuts. The bartender sayys ‘Sorry we don’t serve food’!
    Haha :)! x

  23. okay…worst jokes ever, seriously. make sure you read them over and LUAGH before you put it up and say that it’s the funnniest joke ever, it will save us ten minutes of reading.

  25. two muffins are in the oven baking
    one looks at the other and says, “Jeez man, its hot in here!”
    the other replies, “HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

  26. Why would Michael Phelps make a great boyfriend?
    Because he’s a champion breast stroker!

  31. I have a joke that’s better then these top countries:

    There are 4 employee buddies that work in the same company. On their break, they all decided to hang out in the break room together. One of them left to get their drinks while the other 3 were talking about how great their sons were. “My son’s so great, he gave away his favorite brand new car.” “Oh ya? Well, My son’s so great that he gave away all his top stocks.” “Really now? Well, MY son’s so great, he gave away a million dollars.”

    The 4th dad comes back and asks what they were talking about, and they replied that they were just bragging about their sons. “Oh? Well, my son’s great too. He’s a male stripper and he just gt a brand new car, a bunch of stocks, and a million dollars.”

    Hahaha

  32. i went to the doctors wearing my cling film shorts……………..she said i can see your nuts

  33. ok.
    the jokes WERE pretty lame, but i have a sort of good one.

    a ventriloquist is doing an act and begins telling dumb blonde jokes
    all of a sudden, a blonde chick stands up, walks to the front of the stage and yells “how dare you? how dare you insult me just because of my hair color?!”
    the ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde turns a puzzled gaze on him
    “what are YOU apologizing for? I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee!”

  34. i have a joke.

    a man was taking a walk in the woods. he saw a bear and got scared so he started to pray. “God, please make this bear a christian so he wont kill me?”

    so the bear got on its knees, put its hands together and said “God, thank you for the meal i am about to eat, Amen”

  35. yo mama is so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.
    yo mama is so stupid that she tried to wake herself up real early just to see herself sleeping.

  38. yo mamma so stupid she got her car keys locked in a motorbike

    yo mamma so ugly she went into the most robbed bank in the world and they turned of the survalance cameras

    whats the definition of blue tack ….. smerf poo

  39. I’ve always liked this joke:

    A man with a black eye is sitting at a bar when another man with a black eye walks in and sits next to him. They both notice eachothers blackeyes and ask eachother how it happened.

    The first man says ” well it was really just a miscommunication problem. I was in line at the airport ticket counter and there was this woman with huge breasts. I was so fascinated by them that instead of asking for two tickets to pittsburg, I asked for two pickets to tittsburg, and she hit me in the face.

    The second guy said ” Wow you know thats what happened to me, just a communication problem. This morning I was eating breakfast with my wife and what I meant to say was ” Honey can you pass the cheerios?” but I accidently said “You ruined my life you blood sucking b*tch!”

  40. a man walk into a bar n asks 4 3 pints of beer n quickly downs them all, waiter asks have ya had a bad week and man replies..yeah i found out my son was gay, next week man comes in agin n asks 4 6 pints of beer and waiter says eeeh another bad week man replies yeah my other son is gay too, next week man comes in agin n asks 4 9 pints and the waiter shouts WHAT THE HELL DO NONE OV UR FAMILY LIKE Women? The man sighs, drinks down his beer, and replies: yeah. My wife.

  41. not funny at all ok the king says get me some ping pong balls to three soldiers. the soldiers got the ping pong balls. the first one got 2463483ping pong balls. the second one got 1449254ping pong balls. the third one came back with two big sacks the king said how much ping pong balls do you have the soldier said ping pong balls i thought you said king kong balls!!!!
    lol=)

  43. THis is definetly the funniest joke:

    When I die I want to go peacefully…like my grandfather did…in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

  48. Why is the vowel in the word shit made into a *? To protect the young and innocent from seeing the horror that is a vertical vowel?! Or do they hope make them think we’re talking about ‘shut’ or ‘shet’…

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