The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. there is a Jewish rabbi a catholic priest and an atheist they have a billion dollars and they want to know how much to give to the church the jew suggests “we draw a circle in the dirt throw the money in the air and we give the church all the money in the circle” the catholic suggests they give the church the money outside the circle the atheist suggests we throw the money way in the air and what god wants he keeps.

  2. a man goes into a bar with his younger brother and orders two drinks. The bar-man says “that’ll be €10 please”. The mans brother says he’ll pay and put’s ten buttons on the bar.
    The barman isnt too happy and is about to ask them to leave until the older bro calls the barman aside and tells him how his brother is a bit mad and asks him to play along while keeping a tab.
    The barman understands and tells him not to worry so.
    After a few drinks the older brother asks if he can pay the bill and thanks the barman for putting up with his bro. The bar man tells him that it comes to €80 all together.

    The older brother puts a frisby on the counter and tells the barman to keep the change.
    T

  3. According to southpark, best show ever btw, in one of their eps, the funniest joke ever goes like this:

    Jimmy: “Hey Eric, do you like fish sticks?”
    Eric Cartman: “Yeah I like fish sticks”
    Jimmy: “WHAT ARE YOU, A GAY FISH???”

    Apparently Kanye West didn’t get it…

  6. Wow! 851 comments!! i have read ALL of them ALL of the jokes are funny in my mind!! (all the commens jokes to!!) but im feeling quite dizzy now…

  14. If you throw a blonde women of a huge sky scraper and you throw a feather of a huge sky scraper which would land first?

    The Feather, beacuase the blonde would stop and ask for directions.

  17. A little boy came up to his mom and asked “Why is my name flower? ” Because when you were born, a bit of flower dropped on your head. Another boy came up to his mum and asked why his name was rose and got the same reply as the first boy. Rwemdufnvb dun sjcnou? SHUT UP FRIDGE!!! yelled the mom, :) :) :) :):):):):):):):):(:{)

  20. two hats were sitting on a hat-rack when one hat said to the other, “u stay right here…ill go on a head” LOL puns ftw

  21. This is funny this website no one else can do such awesome jokes!I have a funny joke to please try to understand peeps
    There is 3 men in car called poop shut up and mannahs
    poop falls out the car shut up goes to the police standtion pleasemen says whats you name? Shut up
    How dare you say that said the police men were is your mannahs round the back sir scraping up poop!

  23. A blonde and a college professor are sitting next to each other on a plane. As the trip is long, the professor asks her if she’d like to play a fun game to help spend the time. The blonde declines, arguing she’s going to spend her time napping. She leans back in her seat and closes her eyes.

    The professor, however, insists: But it’s a very funny game! Here, let me explain it to you. I ask you a question and, if you don’t know the correct answer, you have to give me 5 dollars and vice-versa. The blonde refuses to play, which aggravates the man. Fine! What if you gave 5 dollars for each question you don’t know the answer to, while I’ll give you 500 for every question I don’t know the answer to? What do you say to that?

    This offer, heaven knows why, seems to arouse the blonde’s attention, who reluctantly agrees to play.

    The professor’s first question is: What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon? Without a word, and before wasting any time, the blonde opens her wallet and hands the professor a five dollar bill. Next, she asks him a question: What has four legs before climbing up a mountain and only three after climbing it down?

    The professor is speechless for a moment. Straight away, he starts his computer and searches the Internet, while also e-mailing a few of his peers, asking for help. He also makes a couple of phonecalls. Meanwhile, the blonde falls asleep.

    After almost an hour’s worth of suffering and despair, unable to obtain an answer, he wakes the blonde up and hands her a five hundred dollar bank note. She accepts and falls back asleep. Enraged, the professor wakes her up again and shouts: Wait a minute! This isn’t over… What’s the answer? Apparently drowsy and without uttering a word, the blonde opens her wallet again and takes out another five dollar bill which she hands over to the professor. She reclines back in her chair and falls back asleep.

  26. South African Joke:

    Zulubhoy walks into a bank and says to the teller: ‘put all the money in the bag or else you’l become Geography..The teller burst into a brief laughter and asks..u meant to say History?
    ‘Dont change the subject’ says Zulubhoy.

  27. omg i dont know about you guys but #323 what the best xD or is it that im stupid lol whatever, so hi there umm lets see i think i have a joke thats lame stupid and non funny k ready? awesome xD

    ice cream is a liquid, get it melted ice cream xD no that wasnt funny lol okay let me try again lol
    um what do you say to a dog when it says boof boof xD you say um…wtf idk what im saying lol anywho if you have a mocospace add me haha X_Xvampire_loverX_X stfu bye byexD

  29. hey yo. try this joke. “…….911 what’s your emergency?… My wife’s having a baby!!!!!…. Well sir, is this he first time?… No I’m her second husband!!!!… Lol. This made all my friends laugh at my old high school. hahahahaha. hope that you love it. And also try this blonde joke: How do you kill a blonde?….-You put a scratch & sniff sticker on the bottom of a 10ft. pool. lol. Have fun. And if you love yourself with all your heart, your day goes by alot easier. Love you all. and Goodbye.

  30. one day there was a blonde, brunnet, and a red head. They all lived in hell, and satin said if they could make it up a flight of 100 stairs without laughing he would send them to heavn. The brunnet made it up 36 steps, satin told a joke and she laughed. The red head made it up 68 step, satin told a joke and she laughed. The blonde made it up 99 steps and laughed. Satin said,”what are you laughing for dumbA**.I haven’t told a joke yet.” Then the blonde said i just got the first joke” #####poop munster######

  33. i hav had enough of ppl sayin to go on this website is so crap man change it i hav read all of jokes on here and der all lame dude if u want funny pll go to the crapiest jokes at least it will save u from dis website lol

  34. two crisps were walking on the pavment when a car pulled up and said do you want a lift the crisps said no were walkers

  36. ok therre this wishing clift one gy comes and says gold and falls in a pill of gold the other won comes and says silver and falls in a pill of silver a nother gy comes trips and says shit.

  37. I have a joke its about blonds they were in this car and the girl who was driving she said is the indicator working the other girl said yes,no yes,no yes, no yes,no over and over again.

  38. Please visit http://www.jokedose.com for hilarious jokes.

    One of them for you,
    A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to

    help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

    One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are

    too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a

    piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it

    between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

    “They’ll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years,” he replies.
    The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my

    breasts grow over the years?”

    The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

  39. paddy and tommy were getting on a rollercoaster, paddy turns to tommy and says ”if this thing turns upside down will we fall out?? ”god no says tommy,sure we’ve been friends for years!!

  40. Come on has nobody ever seen monty python their jokes have to be some of the best ever! so simple and yet so so funny. i think various scenes from the holy grail beat these jokes hands down. (i do like the duck joke though)

  42. why is there so many people saying i hate your jokes. the world voted in 2002 idiots

  43. OK, everyone who is freaking out about how bad the jokes are have a queer sense of humour. you need to calmer down you only live life once so stop fricken complaining and try to enjoy yourself. anyways:

    a redneck walks into a bar and sits down beside a large man.
    after he gets his drink the big fella hits him in the back and says “that was a judo-chop from japan!” the redneck ignores him and resumes his drink.
    after a few more moments the large man hits him in the back again and says “that was a karate-chop from korea!” the redneck gets up and leaves because hes angry.
    a while later he comes back and whacks the big man in the back of the head and says to the bartender “when he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from K-mart.”

    peace QK!!!!!

  48. here’s a joke:
    a man walks into a bar. he sits down and starts talkin to a man sitting next to him. he then gets up on the bar and puts a shot glass at one end. he tells the bartender. ” ill bet you 100 dollars i can fill up that shot glass with pee.” the bartender thinks for a moments and comes up with the conclusion, what the hheck, he probably cant fill it up anyway. so he accepts. the man starts peeing everywhere, even on the bartender a little bit. but he didnt mind because he was getting 100$$ richer. the man smiles and the bartender asks him, “why are you smiling? and he says, ” cause i just bet the guy over there 1000$$$ that icould pee on u and you would be happy!”

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