The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  3. o here is one bob is bill and we are god so who is u A god B people C poop D toilet??????????? if you chose d you are not correct if u put c u are correct

  4. A blonde walks into a bar. she is texting her boyfriend. she tells him that shes breaking up with him. he texts bk saying idk. She goes around to everyone in the bar asking what idk means..the last person in the bar says ( when she asks him) what dus idk mean? he said i dont know…She replied by saying ugh no1 seems to know!!
    Btw idk means i dont know lol

  5. a man goes on holiday and leaves his cat with his brother while he stays with his aunt abroad.

    A few weeks later, he calls up his brother and asks him how his cat is.
    ‘hes dead.’
    ‘That is so mean you could’ve told me something soothing like, I don’t know. How he got killed. He got hit by a car or he got stuck on the roof and we’re having trouble getting her down and she fell.’
    ‘ok sorry man I won’t do it again.’
    ‘so how’s mum’
    ‘Well… She’s up on the roof and we’re having trouble getting her down….’

    PS- I didn’t make up this joke

  6. Dial-a-laugh

    You have reached the Wolverhampton Mental Health Hotline:
     If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 over and over and over again.
     If you are multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8.
     If you are hysterical, don’t touch any buttons, something terrible might happen!
     If you are paranoid, there’s no need to touch any buttons, we know who you are, we know where you live and we will be coming to get you very soon.
     If you are a psychopath, rip the cord out of the wall and run away with the phone.
     If you are an anal retentive psychopath, take the phone apart, place each piece in a plastic bag and then place all the plastic bags in one large paper bag. Then put the paper bag in the south east corner of your freezer.
     If you are depressed, don’t press any buttons, it won’t do you any good anyway.
     If you are manic, press as many buttons as you can as fast as possible.
     If you are a kleptomaniac, go to your neighbour’s house, steal their phone and call again.

  7. Fun at the Office
    33 Ways to Annoy People

    1. Leave the photocopier set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.

    2. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

    4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.

    5. Insist that your email address is:
    emperor-of-the-zorg@companyname.com.

    6. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

    7. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what YOU think.”

    8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

    9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific websites and “cc” them to your boss.

    10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”

    12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the cartridge across the room.

    14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    15. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that all people are green and insist you like it that way.

    16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

    18. Wave to strangers from your office window.

    19. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

    21. type only in lowercase.

    22. Don’t use any punctuation anytime anywhere ever and I mean never do you understand

    23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route the office.

    24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?”, “What?”, “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

    25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    26. Try playing the William Tell overture (the Lone Ranger theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce: “No, wait I messed it up” and repeat.

    27. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

    29. In the memo field of all your checks write “for sensual massage”.

    30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    31. Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in stall #3.”

    32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles”.

    33. Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”

  8. First 2 jokes you kidding me they are world funniest jokes. probably someone dumb and stupid voted or some one with no sense of humor to find those besrt jokes in the world.f*** that noise

  13. i like the second last comment the best..u guys really are sad

    and fyi those jokes up above were fine, its your comments that are well lame…get a life, stop mocking stuff u cant understand and smilllleee =)

  16. OK here’s one of my jokes :
    The teacher asks Sam:Sam, when do u need to type big letters?
    Sam says:When someone can’t see very well, teacher.

  17. Here`s another one:
    A man tells a joke to another man
    The joke is :A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”The bartender looks puzzled and says, “No.”Duck asks the same question. “Got any grapes?””No, this is a bar. We don’t have any grapes,” the bartender says.The duck again asks, “Got any grapes?”The bartender loses it. “Listen, we don’t have any grapes. Now get out ofhere. And if you come back again, I’ll take a hammer and nails and nailyour friggin’ webbed feet to the floor.”The duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns. “You got any nails?”The bartender says, “No.”The duck perks up. “Got any grapes?”
    Then the second joke is:2 men were walking through the desert, one carrying a telephone box, the other carrying a lamp post. the man with the lamp post asks the other man “why are you carrying a phone box?”. “well” he says “when the lions come i can hide in it and i’ll be safe. Why are you carrying a lamp post?”. “Well” replies the first man “when the lions come i can drop it and i’ll be able to run faster”.
    And the third was:
    One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?” The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”
    The other man said:So was i supposed to LAUGH or ro say BOO

  18. mother-in-laws and daughter in laws hate each other but were forced to go on a holiday together . the mother in laws and daughter in laws were in separate buses,as on the long road, the mother in laws tell their bus driver to overtake the dawter in laws bus and race them. the dawter in laws saw the other bus trying to race so told their bus driver to race as well. both buses were head on head ,but then the motherinlaws bus meets in an accident and they all die. the dawterinlaws start celebrating, popping champagne and dancing, but then while the dawterinlaws celebrate they see 1 dawterinlaw at the back of the bus crying, they couldnt understand why that dawterinlaw is so disheartened, so they went up to her and asked “whats wrong ? our troubles are over” the sad daughterinlaw replies “my motherinlaw missed the bus”

  19. Not bad. The Sherlock Holmes one was cool.I loved the one about the chilli tasting contest. Make more jokes like this.I have a good joke.What did the traffic light say to the car…… Don’t look I’m changing!!!

  20. This joke really cracked me up. What did the big telephone say to the little one…. You’re too young to be engaged.And what do you mean by Your comment is awaiting moderation.

  21. Hey do you publish only good jokes or whatever rubbish people write. I wrote some nonsense ty5eytyruru and you puplished it who are you anyway.

  24. ok,ok. this is seriously funny.(no offense to the blondes out there)

    One day, in the middle of Kansas, there was a huge “BLONDES ARE NOT STUPID” convention. There were 40,000 blondes that had attended. The host of the convention (A burnette) finally calms them all down and greets them. And of course the event is being recorded for all of America. The host asks for a volenteer and chooses a blonde from the crowd. The girl walks up smiling abnoxiously. The host asks her a simple math question:
    What is 4×2?
    After a few minutes, the blonde answers: 76?
    The host answers no.
    The crowd chants”Give her another chance!Give her another chance!” So the host says ok and asks the blonde:
    What is 5+4?
    After a moment, the girl answers: 47?
    The host starts to get annoyed and says no. Again the crowd chants “Give her another chance!”
    The host says “Well since we went through the trouble of getting all 40,000 of you here, why not?” So now the host asks her: What is 2+2.
    After a minute, the blonde says: 4?
    And the crowd starts chanting” Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

  25. those jokes are pretty famous, you know…try to make up a better one YOURSELF….. well heres one- i didnt make it up but its funny..

    A guy hears a knowck on his door, but hes to tired to answer it. He ignores it. Again, he hears a knowck which he ignores again, the same thing happens a couple more times and finally the angry man stands up, strides to the door, flings it open and looks around. On the floor is a snail. He picks it up and throws it as far as he can. 3 years later, theres a knock on the door. Its the snail and it says “what the hell was that all about?!!”

  26. FUNNY JOKE:
    What do you do if a blonde throws a granade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

    What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
    Run!she’s got a granade in her mouth.

    HA HA HA WOOO TOO FUNNY. XD

  27. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

  28. Well those jokes that were “the funniest jokes in the world” are just clever in my opinion, like they didn’t have me rolling on the floor hysterically laughing if you know what I mean, I’ve heard better.

  29. i got a joke:whats the diffrence between roast beef and pea soup?eveybody can roast beef but no one can pee soup lol

  37. two muffins in an oven
    one muffin says ‘hell its hot in ere’
    the other one says ‘ bloody hell, a talking muffin’

  38. Good news – two boys went out one day climbing trees.
    Bad news – one of them fell out.
    Good news – there was a hammock beneath him.
    Bad news – there was a rake beside the hammock.
    Good news – he missed rake.
    Bad news – he missed the hammock too.

  39. hey some of the jokes were kinda strange, not funny, mean, or stupid. mine might be one of them:

    There was a blond a brunette, and a red head that were being chased by a serial killer. And there were 3 potato bags on the floor, so each one of them went into a different potato bag. The killer looked and looked until he found 3 potato bags. he kicked the bag that the red head was in and she said “Meow”. And the killer is like…oh it’s just a cat…then he kicks the bag with the brunette…she goes woof woof…and the killer says…hm, it’s just a dog. Then the killer kicks the bag with the blonde and she goes…POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!!!

  40. you lot are so not… FUNNY!!!!!

    Q:what go’s up slowley and down fast?

    A:a elphent in a lift

    he he he

    Q:what do snakes wright on the end of lettres
    x x
    A:hugs and hisses hiss hiss

    hehehehehehehe hahahahahahahaha
    so funny

  41. You ppl on here that are all like ” oh none of these jokes are funny..” you think you’re all just too cool for anyone don’t you? get a sense of humour already or get off!

  45. There is way too much comments here…. you guys need to get a life, who cares? and dont say ooooh then why did you post a comment?

  47. four men get shipwrecked on a cannibal infested island. The leader of the cannibals say to the three men, i will not eat you if you go out into the forest and collect 100 fruit. So the men go into the jungle and the first man comes backl with 100 grapes. The cannibal then tells him if you can shove all 100 of them up your bum without laughing i will let you go free. So the man starts, and gets to 97 grapes before he bursts out laughing. He gets devoured. The second man gets back with some cranberries. The leader tells him the same as the first man and reaches 98 cranberries before he bursts out laughing. The cannibal says whats funny? I have to eat you now! But the man is laughing too hard, and cannot answer. He is devoured. The third man gets back with 100 tomatoes, and the same thing happens. This man manages 99 before he starts laughing. The leader says, why are you laughing? I will eat you now! So the man stops laughing, and manages to say, my other friend is collecting pineapples!

  48. only some of these jokes are funny,The funnyest joke i have herd is: A cat lost its tail, and went to coles. why coles? HELLOOOOOOOO coles is the bigest re-tail-er in austraila.

  49. this is the best site and the comments are better than the jokes but i’ve got one here its not very funny but here it is
    a lady had just moved into her house she was wondering what to call her house, she asked her neighbour what to call her house and her neighbour siad walk down the road and around the corner and what ever you see thats what you should call your house, so she walked down the road and around the corner and she saw a bum so she called her house bum.
    a few weeks latter she brought a dog an she was wondering what to call her house, she asked her neighbour what to call her dog and her neighbour siad walk down the road and around the corner and what ever you hear thats what you should call your dog, so she walked down the road and around the corner and she heard a crack so she called her dog crack.
    A few weeks later the lady lost her dog so she called the cops and said i looked all over my bum but i couldent find my crack.
    hilarious isnt it? :P

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