The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. Those jokes up there were not that funny, I mean, for the funniest jokes in certain countries? They have to be hilarious not mildly humorous. Try this one, I don’t know how funny itis but I thought it was clever:

    Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

    “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

  2. I was the fist one to squeeze those dangly things and drank what came out. it wasn’t what i thought it would be. i was kinda disappointed.

  3. Ok cut it out, stop saying these jokes are bad!

    I really liked the one with the miget and tall guy! OMG LOL!!

    I have a good one:

    What do you call a monkey in the ocean?

    A: Confused

  5. wat happened to the irish man hu was rakin th leaves?….he fell out of th tree.

    i no use might not be frm NZ but thats a crack up!

    and stop hatin cuz u aint got n e jokes of ur own man if u aint like the jokes then GET OFF TH SITE MAN!

  10. These jokes are not that funny. Perhaps, for those under 14. Maybe add the age limit to the title of this.

  11. whatcha doin?
    eating choclate
    whered you get it?
    the doggy dropped it..
    wheres the doggy?
    behind the door :)
    whats he doin?
    makin more!
    BILLY PUT THAT DOWN

  14. i heard this one from a friend
    there is a blonde rowing a boat out in the middle of a corn field and another blonde drives up in a nice car and says to the other blonde “you know its you blondes that give us blondes a bad name if I could swim out there i would kick you”

    sorry to all the blondes that read this.

  16. Here’s one,

    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

    The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

    The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
    The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver –
    I’ve been driving ‘hearses’ for the last 25 years!”

  21. What’s going on.
    What happend to my KFTMAN comment
    I’ts like it Dissapeared Vanished I tell You

  26. Not so bad. I found that most were more clever than actually funny though (the one about the colonel and the privates was a good one). How about this one:

    A teacher asks her class one day, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
    you shoot one of them, how many birds will there be left?”

    Then, when little Ralphy raises his hand, she calls on him.
    He answers,

    “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

    The teacher replies, “The actual answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

    Then little Ralphy says, “Now I have a question for you.

    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream,one is licking the sides of the of ice cream cone that have started to drip.

    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

    And the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

    The teacher, blushing madly, replied, “Well, I suppose it’d be the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

    To which Little Ralphy replied,

    “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.”

  27. Love all jokes, even this site’s. Gt my own tho, hilarious.
    A hot young woman walks into a bar in her apartment complex.
    She goes over to the bar table, and the bartender comes over to see her. May I help you, he says. Yes, actually. The bartender is a tall man with a long, full beard. Have you seen the landlord recently,? She says. As she asks him, she reaches up and begins to stroke and carress his beard. The man is shy and very nervous to be having a girl touching him. No, he says very shyly. Oh, well, if you do see him, I’d like you to tell him something for me. She continued to carress his beard. What’s that, he asks, still very nervous. She comes up very close to his face and says, tell him……….theres no toilet paper in the woman bathroom.

  31. Hahaha! Poop one was actually quite hilarious, and I’m a little past 4

    also, in the comments.. I like the one about the teacher and Little Ralphy.. I memorised it for school tomorrow!

    LOL

    I didn’t LOVE alot of the voted ones, but I like the idea for the site, just need better people voting haha

    ta

  34. okay heres a joke i dont know if its the funniest joke:

    a man and his dog walk into a bar,
    the bartender says, “no dogs allowed”,
    the man convinced the bartender to let his dog in and they sat to watch the vikings game,
    after they crossed the 50 yard line the dog started jumping and cheering,
    the bartender says, “wow, what does he do when they make a touchdown?”

    the man that owned the dog said, “i dont know i’ve only had him for 5 years

  36. the jokes are cool (the comments) i like the one about the teacher and little ralphy a lot and about the big guy and the little guy in the bar

  37. Only stupid people can’t find the humor in these jokes. If you understood it, I don’t know how you didn’t find the humor in em!
    Jk: “I used to be indecisive; but now I’m not too sure!:)

  38. This one is the funniest of them all!: A man jsut got a new face plant and it made him look younger so he decides to try out his new look when buying a newspaper at a newsstand. He says to the clerk, “Try to guess how old I am” The man says “20?” “No I’m 40” says the guy with the face plant. The man decides to try it out again hwile at Mc donalds. He asked the lady and she replied with “50” No I’m actuallu 40″ he says. So he’s waiting for the bus and an old lady comes by so he asks her how old she thinks he is and she says “Well, I have this thing that I can tell how old a man is by sticking my hands down their pants for 10 minutes. We learnt it in military school.” The guy, truting her says ok since no one was around” The ladies hands were down his pants for 10 minute sthen finally she says “You’re 40.” “How did you do that? How did you know?” asks the man. “I was standing behind you at Mcdonalds” (gets on bus).

  39. right i got one
    how did the blonde break her arm rakeìn the leaves

    she fell out of the tree

    and an other

    what do you call 20 blonds standing ear to ear

    a wind tunnel

  40. Two friends are lost in the rain forest trying to find away out whenone of them is attacked by a cobra that attacks the “stuff” of the victim. The other despaired, calls the doctor using his sat phone.

    -doctor! my friend has just benn stung by a snake, what should I do, he is dying!
    – take it easy says the doctor, you just have to suck out the area that has been stung.

    so the guys closes the flip of his cel phone when the other victimized asks: what did he say?
    -he said that you are dead

  42. This site is wonderful!! Most of the jokes r hilarious but some look somehow like nonsense. For those who wrote the funniest jokes congratulations, like the joke about the teacher and little Ralphy. I understood the whole joke although I ain’t old enough. For those who wrote bad comments to others, I feel sorry for you, I hope u will write ur own jokes and c what others will tell U!!!

  43. Heres a joke:

    An old couple go to the doctor.The old man goes first to have his physical.When the doctor is done with him,he sends the man to the waiting room and calls the woman in.

    Doctor:Id like to talk to you about your husband.
    Woman:Its his heart,isnt it!I told him to lay off the eggs!
    Doctor:Well,I asked your husband how he was feeling,and he said he was feeling great!he said that when he went to the bathroom and opened the door,that god turned the light on for him,and when he was done,he shut the door and god turned the light off for him.
    Woman:Darn!hes been peeing in the fridge again!

    oh!and i agree with Yonazi!

  44. This truck driver is driving behind this blonde with a brand new Porsche. She is driving realy slowly and wont give him a gap to pass. He decides to pull her over. he gets out of the car and draws a circle on the ground with a piece of chalk and tells the blonde to stand in the circle. He then walks up to her car with a baseball bat and smashes her windows. the blonde keeps on laughing. He then bashes in the door. She keeps on laughing. He then blows down the tires, but she is laughing even louder. so he asks her why she is laughing and she replies. “everytime you looked away, I jumped out of the circle”

  46. hey i got another joke

    two blondes are in a parking lot at the mall tryin 2 get into their porche because they loked the keys in then they decide to go n ask the nrma officer but suddenly it starts rainin and 1 blonde says o no i the seats in the car are goin 2 get wet i forgot to close the windows

  47. i got another joke

    a women has a really flat chest and she gets sad then a ffairy god mother comes and says wats the matter n she says my chest is to flat then shes says ok every time a man says pardon to u ur breasts will grow an inch . later shes walking down the street n a man runs into her n said o pardon me n her boobs grow an inch the women is very pleased later on that day the same thing happend twice . that night she went to a resaraunt n the waiter spilleds some wine on her dress n waiter says o 1000 pardons madam.

  48. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot

    [note from admin- sorry Chriski. your second joke was funny but a little too adult for this site.]

  50. these jokes are awsome; i have a few 4 ya:

    jesus dont want u to do drugs but hes the most high

    i like zero cuz its a nice round number
    (that 1’s kinda lame)

    i like to mix butter w/ i cant belive it’s not butter to make “i can belive some of it is butter”

    i went to ihop and the weitress w/ 1 leg (gigity) asked me if i wanted butter on my pancakes i said:
    i dont know wat 2 belive any more

    talk 2 me: aim at Otterhound11

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