The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

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1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. hear this:there were 3 bats one night.they had nothing to do,so they say they goin ah to see who could suck d most blood.so d first one gone.ge come back with blood on he lip they say way u get all that from he say u see d cat over there i suck that.d 2th one gone .he come back with blood on he face.way u get all that blood from.he say that cow over there i suck that.the last one gone now he come back with blood on he head.they ask him how u get blood on your head he say WELL U SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE I DID NOT SEE IT

  2. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! after 5 minutes, I’m still laughing at the one from canada!!! it’s the best joke I’ve ever heard.
    ahahahahaa, 10 years, 12 billion dollars, while the russian sinmply used a pencil!!! LMAO

  3. While Standing At The Top Of The Roof, the Blonde And The Red Head Were Talking

    Blonde – “I Bet You I Can Make It Down This Building The Fastest.”

    Red Head – “Ok Fine, On The Count Of 3 We’ll Jump”

    They Both Jumped At The Same Time.

    Ten Minutes Later The Blonde See’s The Red Head At The Bottom Of The Building.

    Red Head – “Where The Hell Were You?”

    Blonde – “Sorry I Had To Stop For Directions”

    Stupid Joke I Know, But I Hope You Liked It Vote Me! And Call Me By Chuck!! :)

  4. lolloloololooloololoolololooloololooolololool. the russian joke is not accurate. in space, the pencil tip would break off in zero gravity and puncture someones eye

  6. Husband and wife has a new jst brought a new computer .
    Wife :okay baby we gotta make a password for your account
    Husband: my password is my penis
    the wifes start laughin
    the computer said error to small
    Lmao

  8. There are a blonde, a redhead, and a brunet stuck on an island. Fill out the rest and it will be a funny joke.

  12. The jokes are alright but the best i’ve heard(it’s not mine) was:

    There was a child who got on a bus and kept shouting ‘if my mum was a mummy elephant and my dad was a daddy elephant, I would be a baby elephant’ and he continued doing that with several different animals. Soon the bus driver got annoyed and shouted to the child ‘what if your father was a tramp and your mother was a prostitute?’ the child simply replied ‘then I would be a bus driver’

    That is the best! lol

  15. Here is a joke!

    A girl drives into a dudes monster truck. the dude that owns the truck comes to her and says hmmphhhh and grabs a stick and draws a circle in the ground and says dont get out of the circle. Then the dude goes up to her car and tears out the leather seats and stabs it with a knife, he turns around and sees the girl laughing. then he goes to the expensive sterio system and rips it out and cuts the wires, he turns and sees the girl laughing even harder. then he gets confused and walks up to her and says whats so funy! the girl says with a chuckle “every time you turned around I stepped out of the circle!!!

  16. jokes are ok! if they make you laugh a little then good all those who dont like em thats your opnion but ppl have taken the time to try and cheer some ppl up so i think you should take your negative comments somewhere else!

  23. these are the most stupidest jokes if ever heard my moms funny than this when she dances she dances like a maniac not funny at all

  24. three possible reasons why Moses led the children of Israel through the wilderness for forty years :

    1) God was testing them.

    2) God wanted them to really appreciate the promised land.

    3) Moses refused to ask for directions.

  26. A man buys a horse from a horse salesmen, the horse salesmen says. “Now to make her go say, oh lord.” “To make her stop say jesus.” “To make her jump say Thank God.”

    So the man hops on the horse, and screams. ” Oh lord.” Then the horse zooms off. Then all of a sudden a cliff comes up, and the man says. “Jesus!” Then the horse skids to the edge of the cliff.
    Then the man says. “Whew.” “Thank God!”

    The horse jumped off the cliff( for the people that didn’t get it.(

  28. this is not a really funny joke but ok plz no comments ok here i go

    do you know whats up

    its the sky

    thats all i guess it was ok

  29. A blonde got tired of being thought dumb, so she dyed her hair brunette. One day she was riding in the country and saw sheep in a field. Determined to show she was not dumb, she stopped and bet the farmer that she could guess how many sheep he had in the field. The farmer tells her if she guesses right, she can have one sheep. So the blonde tells him there are 123 sheep in the field. The farmer was shocked she guessed correctly and told her she could pick out the sheep she wanted. The blonde puts it in the back seat and is driving away when the farmer stops her and asked her “You’re really a blonde aren’t you?”….The blonde says “Yes, how did you know?” The farmer opened the car door, looked in the back seat and whistled, “Come on Rover”.

  37. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

    A bad golfer goes “*WHACK* Dang!” and a bad skydiver goes

    “Dang! *WHACK*”

  40. in the navy john’s mother died and the ccommander was asked to deliever the news. At the morining inspection he screamed ‘JOHN YOUR MOTHER IS DEAD’
    the deputy whispers in the commander’s ear ‘that was very insensitive of you’
    So the next week Carl’s mom dies and again the same commander is asked to deliever the news to him
    at the morining inspection with everyone lined up he says ‘everyone with a mother step foward,Carl not soo fast’

  41. a town is upset because noone bothers to attend town meetings so this week they decided to have entertainment at the meeting. A world class hypnotist was brought.The townhall was packed and it was also on tv.The hypnotist gets to work,starts swinging his clock back and forth till everyone watching including animals are hypnotised,juust when he’s abou to give his command he drops his watch and say ‘SH*T’
    it took weeks to clean the town

  42. Really funny jokes .. here’s one :

    A guy walks into a club with his wife and says “You’re going to love this place” And the wife replies, “How would you know?” And the husband says, “My buddy from work told me it’s a great place to chill.” So then they go and sit down at their table and the waitress comes up and said “Hey Dave, the usual?” and Dave nods his head yes. Then the wife said, “How would she known your “usual”, Dave?” And he replied, “She is someone from work.” So then one of the girl dancing stands on his table and asks, “Same Dance, same price?” Then the wife stands up and stomps her feet over outside and waits for a taxi. As the wife jumps into the taxi the husband does too. “I don’t know what that was I swear!” Says the husband. The wife starts yelling at the husband, and Then the taxi driver turns around and says, “Wow David, you have a real b**** tonight.”

  43. Q: What is the differance between beer nuts and deer nuts?

    A: Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts a just under a buck.

  47. Once there was a carpenter a priest and a soldier on a plane.the carpenter accidently dropped his wrench out the window. He went to the pilot and told him what happened. Then the priest accidently dropped his bible out the window. He told the pilot. Then the soldier dropped his bomb out the window. He went and told the pilot. Then they landed and saw two people crying and one person laughing. They went to the first person who was crying and asked “why are uou Crying?” The guy said ” I was fixing my bike and a wrench fell on my head.” Then they went to the second person who was crying and asked ” why are you Crying?” The guy said ” I was praying and a bible fell on my head.” Then they went to the person who was laughing and asked “why are you Laughing?” He said”I tooted and the building blew up”

  49. a blonde walks into a library and slams a big heavy book on the librarians desk then says, “this is the worst book i have ever read, it has no plot and way too many characters” the librarian calmly looks up and says, “so your the one who took our phonebook” hahahaha i like this joke its in my top ten.. my favorite joke is–
    A guy meets a hooker in a bar.she says,”this is your lucky day, i have a special game for you to play.. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” the guy replies, “hey why not?” so he pulls out 300 and places it on the table then says slowly, “paint…my…house” lmao.!!!

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