The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. i can’t say that all these jokes are great srry but everybody plz stop saying you hate these jokes i love most of them anyway heres a good joke

    Q: why did the toilet-paper roll down the hill?
    A: to get to the bottom!

    again plz stop saying you hate these jokes and also i love the 1 about the hat and the scarf I laughed allot even my mum liked it! this website is great its number 1!

  2. i can’t say that all these jokes are great srry but everybody plz stop saying you hate these jokes i love most of them anyway heres a good joke

    Q: why did the toilet-paper roll down the hill?
    A: to get to the bottom!

    again plz stop saying you hate these jokes and also i love the 1 about the hat and the scarf I laughed allot even my mum liked it! this website is great its number 1! also i’m a girl!

  3. ok so once a duck walks into a bar and says “got any grapes” the bartender says no. the next day the duck walks into the same bar and asks “got any grapes” the bartender says no. the third day the duck walks into the bar and says “got any grapes” the bertender raises his voice adn yells “NO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY GRAPES, AND IF YOU COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME AND ASK IF I HAVE ANY GRAPES, I WILL NAIL YOUR BILL TO THE BAR” the next day the duck walks in and says “got any nails” the bartender says “no we do not have any nails. the duck then says “got any grapes”

  9. sum of da jokes r cool hav dis, two men r having a drink late night and they are asking each other questions where each correct answere amounts to a drink from the one who asksed it dougie;asks,what do we call a woman who knows where her husband sleeps every night? antonio;after thinking so hard say,a widow.

  11. This one is KINDA funny but not really:
    Micky mouse walks outside and can see that someone has written in pee “MICKY MOUSE SUCKS ****” so he gets all mad and calls the police..They come out and investigate.. The police man walks up to micky and says “We have good news and bad news.. Good news is we found out whos pee it is” “WHOS!” micky replies “goofy sir” “GOOFY THATS AWEFULL! whats the BAD news???” The police man looks at him and says “It was miny’s handwriting” :D

  13. Having googled ‘the funniest jokes in the world’ this site was the result. I will keep my ‘comments’ polite. The Stevie Wonder joke, in (30) was both clever and amusing. The variant of an old joke, using 90 year olds in this instance, (271) was a good one. (348) was certainly the best ‘shaggy dog’ joke I’ve heard/read in a long time.

    The best I’ve heard for a while is:

    An attractive female is sitting next to a businessman on a long distant flight. She suddenly sneezes violently, her whole body goes into convulsions and she cries out in apparent pain. She soon recovers and continues reading her book. The businessman thinks no more about the incident until, about ten minutes later, exactly the same thing happens again and he becomes concerned about her. When she resumes normality he asks her if she is OK. “Yes, fine, thank you for your concern”. She replies. “Do you have this problem very often, do you know what the problem is”? He asks. “It’s simple really. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. This has been happening to me since puberty”. She replys. “Are you taking anything to help you”? He asks. “Yes, pepper” is her response.

  14. iight out of all jokes up there, there waz only like, 23 funni. Here is a joke that tops everythin up there: 3 men were about to be exicuted by electrical chair. A Mexican, A Canadian and Some dude from L.A. so the the Mexican guy sat in the chair first. The killer guy pulled the lever and it didnt work. The Canadian sat down next and the guy pulled the lever again and once again it didnt work. Then the guy from L.A. sat down and the guy pulled the lever one more time and once again it didnt work. So the L.A. guy gets up and walks over to the killer and says * U DUMBASS CANT YOU SEE THE MACHINE ISNT PLUGGED IN!!!* lolz

  18. There once was a lady who got on a bus. The driver says “That’s the ugliest baby i have ever seen!” The lady goes to sit down. She says to the person next to her ” The driver just insulted me!” The person next to her says ” You go right up to the driver and tell him off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

  25. DROOOOIIIII!!!
    shame! yous are all so DRY! your jokes, the jopkes on the website and any jokes yuse no arent even funny. there not even funni because there dry. :/ watta waste of time. heres some krakk uhb as jokes tho:

    JOKE 1:
    A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to
    a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line
    the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. “Those hives are
    pretty close to the road”, he said.
    The farmer explained that the bees just make honey and
    have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the
    sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree,
    naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the
    farm for free, but if he wasn’t stung then he would pay
    the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied
    the now naked man to the tree. The next morning the farmer
    saw the man leaning over and very pale. “Oh no, the farmer
    thought, he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!
    “As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked
    where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
    “No, no, I’m okay, “gasped the naked man, “I’ll pay you
    double for the farm, but doesn’t that damn calf have a
    mother?”

    JOKE 2
    A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree
    in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him
    was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went
    back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer’s
    house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and
    proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man
    asked, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you
    happy?”

    The farmer thought for a minute and said, “Yep! One time one of
    my neighbor’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We
    all screwed it and took it back home.”

    “I can’t print that!” the young man exclaimed. “Can you think of
    anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
    happy?”

    After another moment, the farmer said, “Yeah, one time my
    neighbor’s daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big
    posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took
    her back home.”
    Again, the young man said “I can’t print that either. Has anything
    ever happened around here that made you sad?”

    The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a
    few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, “I got
    lost once.”

    JOKE 3
    There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
    They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own
    relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends
    kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they
    were doing.

    His mother told him, “It’s called kissing and any boy who does
    that to a girl will die that very minute!”

    On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who
    introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
    She knew that he had never been kissed before.

    When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to
    kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, “What are you afraid
    of, it won’t hurt.”

    He said, “My mother said if I kiss a girl I’ll die this very
    minute!!”

    She replied, “Don’t be a baby, now come on kiss me.”
    With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

    He began to cry, “Oh no I’m going to die!!!”
    She said, “Why are you going to die??”
    He replied, “I’ve just kissed you and already one part of
    me has begun to get stiff!!”

    JOKE 4
    The teacher called on Johnny to solve the next question. “There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence”, she said, “and the farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?.
    Johnny thinks a second and says “none”.
    The Teacher asked him how he figured that. “Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away”.
    The teacher said “That’s not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking”.
    Then Johnny says “Now can I ask you one?”.
    The teacher said okay. Johnny says “There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?.
    The teacher says, “Why, the one that’s licking it” to which Johnny answered “Wrong. It’s the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking…”

    JOKE 5
    Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

    “No thanks… just give me a few minutes… I’ll be fine…” he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

    “Doesn’t that feel better?” she asks.

    “Well… yes… That feels pretty good,” he admits. “But my thumb still hurts like hell

    JOKE 6
    Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

    Sitting at a café, the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.”

    “Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.

    “Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again. and I’ll give you one from behind.”

    The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

    The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.

    Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this — not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

    Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”

    The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

    He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?”

    The pensioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn’t electrified.”

    JOKE 7
    A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

    On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.

    He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

    She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

    “No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

    She said, “I sell tampons.”

    With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

    She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

    “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

    JOKE 8
    An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”

    The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”

    “I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”

    The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

    The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

    “Marge,” whispered Mildred.

    “What?” said Marge.

    “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

    “What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

    “He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

    “Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”

    “Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”

    JOKE 9
    Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

    One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!” As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

    The millionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?” The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!”

    JOKE 10
    A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

    “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

    He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

    JOKE 11
    An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

    When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

    The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?” He replied, “To the kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He replied, “Sure.” She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” He said, “No, I can remember that.”

    She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.” He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

    With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

    Seriously, go have some fun guys and come back with better jokes.

  27. A bus full of very ugly men got into a car crash. Everybody died.
    The men arrived in heaven and came before God.
    God said, “Hello, I will now grant you each one wish for you have been very good.”
    The men lined up and the first man said,” Hmm…I wish to be very handsome.”
    His wish was granted.
    The next man heard the first man’s wish and wished for the same thing. And so did the fourth and fith and so on.
    Finally the last man approached God and all the new very handsome men.
    He wished, “Make em’ all ugly again!!!”(O[]^)

  29. them jokes osh are so so so so so so funny ive been laughing at eversingle and are the best jokes i have ever heard of in my life !!!!!!!!

  30. I’ll never forget the day my parents sat me down and said “if at first you dont succeed,try,try again”
    I said “thanks but I think my suicide attempts are really just a cry for help”

  31. I got sent out of my biology class today.

    When asked ‘Can you name a long term effect of obesity?’, I probably shouldn’t have said ‘Bullying’

  32. Um…………….they suck, thats about it. But what is worse is that the jokes in the comments suck too.

  34. Guys,

    One man’s meat is another man’s poison. If you do not find the jokes funny then maybe you are not a fun person. Maybe you are just boring.

    Your jokes are superb man.

  37. I liked all of the jokes…sometimes, I don’t get those jokes, but I still like them.
    I have one jokes, u may have heard it but still:
    3 men were captured by cannibals, and were told that if they put 10 fruits up their ass without any sound, they’ll survive, or their head will be cut off.First man comes with 10 apples. he finishes puttingthe 3rd apple and makes a painful sound/moan, and his head was cut off and he goes to heaven. the second man comes with 10 berries, and when he was finished putting his 9th berry, he laughed, and his head was cut off and he went to heaven.
    IN THE HEAVEN
    First man: the apples were hard and big,so it was painful…why did you laugh?
    second man: Because I saw the third man coming with PINEAPPLES!!!

  39. the person who said in the sh word why it has this # for an i is because they don’t want little kids seeing the word. OK?

  46. ummmmmmmm….. im really bored reading these. but i like the one with the tv and the blonde. :)

  48. These jokes are okay but I cant believe that their the best. heres a great joke!
    an American man dropped a penny off an airplane parachuted down and saw a girl crying. “whats wrong” he said she said, “a penny fell and broke my dollhouse.” Then a Russian man dropped a nickel off an airplane parachuted down and saw a boy crying. “whats wrong” he said the boy answered”a nickel fell and broke my TV.” Finally a chinese man dropped a bomb off an airplane parachuted down and saw a man laughing. “whats so funny,” he said the man answered,” I farted and my house blew up!” LOL!

  49. how do you fit an elephant into safeway?

    take the “s” out of safe and the “f” out of way..

    think about it

    there is no “f” in way!!

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