The Funniest Jokes in the World

by


A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  9. 2 men were walking through the desert, one carrying a telephone box, the other carrying a lamp post. the man with the lamp post asks the other man “why are you carrying a phone box?”. “well” he says “when the lions come i can hide in it and i’ll be safe. Why are you carrying a lamp post?”. “Well” replies the first man “when the lions come i can drop it and i’ll be able to run faster”.

  10. some jokes are really good…Dr watson is awesome.
    Here is one.
    two friends -one american and the other a Japanese set out to visit Gir forest in India..notoriuoly known for huge lions…deep in the forest, they hear a roar.Hearing this the japanese took off his kit bag from his shoulder…At this gesture, the american asked” friend what are you doing ? The japanese replied i am getting ready to puton my running shoes?
    “What ? can you run faster than the lion”asked the american….The japanese smiled and said-” no, my friend,only gearing myself to run faster than you…..

  11. Here is one.
    Two friends -one American and the other Japanese set out to visit Gir forest in India…notoriously known for huge lions…deep in the forest, they hear a roar. Hearing this the Japanese took off his kit bag from his shoulder…At this gesture, the American asked” friend what are you doing ? The Japanese replied “I am getting ready to put on my running shoes”
    “What? Can you run faster than the lion”, asked the American….The Japanese smiled and said- “ no, my friend, only gearing up myself to run faster than you…..”

  13. Two men are sitting at a bar when one man whips out a cigar. Seeing that he has no means of lighting the cigar he says to his friend “Hey do you have a lighter I could borrow to light my cigar?”
    The friend replies “Yes” and whips out this huge 10 inch bic lighter.
    The first guy says “Wow, where did you get that massive lighter from?”
    His friend says “I got it from my genie.”
    “You have a genie?” asked the first man.
    “Yeah, I carry him everywhere I go” the friend replies.
    “Well can I see him?” asks the first man.
    Sure enough he takes the genie out of his pocket and sits him on the bar.
    The first man with the cigar leans over to the genie and says “Hey there little buddy, I am a good friend of your master, do you think you could grant me one wish?”
    “Sure” replies the genie “What do you wish for?”
    The man surprised says “I wish for a million bucks.”
    The genie dissapears back into his masters pocket and nothing happens.
    All of a suddenn two ducks walk into the bar followed by a few more.
    Soon enough the bar is filling up with ducks very quickly.
    The first man looks to the second man and says “What’s going on here friend? I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks?”
    The friend replies “Oh I forgot to tell you that my genie is really hard of hearing. Do you really think that I wished for a 10 inch bic?”

  14. A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. After he is finished with his martini he takes a jar out of his pocket and places the olive from his martini in it. He goes on to order another martini and does the same thing. Saves his olive and puts it in the same jar. He does this a whole bunch of times until he is completely hammered and the jar has a bunch of olives in it. He casually pays for the drinks, doesn’t say anything and walks out of the bar. A man sitting near him says to the bartender “That was kind of wierd now wasn’t it?” The bartender replies to the man “What was so weird about that? His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

  16. A blonde, brunette and redhead are walking in the desert. The redhead has packed some food and water, the brunette has packed a tent and the blonde has a car door. After walking for some time, the brunette and redhead ask the blonde why is she carrying a car door? Her reply: In case it gets hot, we can roll the window down!

    Hahahaha, my sister’s friend made that up when I was in probably 5th grade. Hilarious!

  17. tell me if you like this joke =]

    sorry to all the blonde’s out there…don’t b offended….

    theres 3 blonde’s in a car driving to Disneyland….they are nearly there and the see a sign that reads “Disneyland Left”…so they turned around and went home.

    =)

  25. pls pls pls pls pls i need out of this site.these aint funny at alllllll. in fact i find ppls comments funnier.ooooppps what was i doing here.gosh and am still here,gotta get out of here.

  29. ok here is one few of you may have heard but this HAS GOT TO BE THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVVVEERRRRR

    Texas Chili Cook-off

    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
    For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

    Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that
    spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

    Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
    saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 – FRED ‘S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN

    Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of
    the beer.

    CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

    CHILI # 6 – VERA ‘S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb

    Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided
    to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM ‘S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

    Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to
    really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 – No Rep

  30. nothing rude, but these are NOT the funniest jokes in the world. ive heard them all a thousand times. however, i love the jokes in the comments.

  31. I liked them. Here’s one:
    A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running away from the cops, and they come across a potato field. They grab three empty potato sacks and hide in the field where the other potato-filled sacks are. The cops arrive at the field and go around kicking the sacks to see if anyone is in them. One cop kicks the brunette’s sack and she says, “ruff ruff” because she’s pretending to be a dog. Another cop kicks the red head’s sack and she says, “meow” because she’s pretending to be a cat. The cops kick the sack that the blonde is in and she says, “po-ta-do”
    Did you get it? =]
    G’day!

  32. Okay, a duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender can’t believe his ears – you talk? He asks the duck. Yeah, now get me my beer and sandwich, I gotta get back to work in half an hour. The bartender can’t believe it – you have a job? He asks the duck. Yeah, I’m a drywaller at the construction site across the street replies the duck, as he opens up a newspaper and starts reading it. The bartender takes the hint, and gives the duck his beer and sandwich, the duck eats it and leaves. This goes on for a week everyday at lunch. One day, into the bar walks a circus owner, and introduces himself to the bartender. The bartender tells the circus owner all about the duck that drinks beer, eats sandwiches, talks, reads, AND has a job as a drywaller!! Well, says the circus owner, here’s my card, next time you see him, tell him I’ll offer him twice what he’s earning now if he’ll come work for me! So next day at lunch in walks the duck. I have some great news for you says the bartender – I have a person who is willing to double your wages if you’ll come work for him! Who is it? Asks the duck. It’s the circus owner who owns WarnerBro’s circus – they’re in town don’t you know? Wow, says the duck, I’m always interested in making more money, but it’s strange….is this the same circus which keeps it’s animals in metal cages with bars on them? Yes, that’s the one replied the bartender. And, is this the same circus where all the performers spend their nights in trailer homes and tents? Yes, yes, that’s the one replied the bartender. And, the same circus that has the giant canvas tent with the hole in the top, and rows of wooden benches? Yes, YES, that’s the circus I’m talking about beamed the overjoyed bartender. Well….pondered the duck, I guess I’ll go work for him….but I can’t for the life of me think why that place would need a drywaller?

    :) HAHAHAHAHA….come on it wasn’t bad :)

  34. there are 3 separate couples dining for breakfast in a hotel.
    The first man says to his wife: ” can you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes the sugar

    The second man goes, “can you pass the honey, honey?” and she passes the honey.

    now the 3rd man thinks, oh this could work for me, so he says to his wife, “can you pass the milk YOU COW?”

  37. I have a better joke then your ones making fun of the jokes a frog walks into a restraunt and is seated at a table. The waitress comes over and asks what he will have. he glances over his shoulder and notices a woman gasping to find a fly in her soup and the frog replys Ill have what shes having. hahahah that owns your complaints

  42. These jokes r crap aparently these countries have no sense of humor. yeah thats what i’d say but the one for america is crap too why don’t you get some real jokes. If i look up jokes on google and click on the very first one I see I would be a whole lot better that any of the crap up thare i bet.

  43. This site really cheered me up. I’ve been having a tough week…. my grandmother died last Thursday. She was 94 and it was her birthday. It was very unexpected. We were only half way through giving her the bumps.

  44. There are two catapillars sitting on a leaf, they look up and a butterfly goes past, one catapillar says to the other “you will never get me in one of those things”. haha well i thought it was funny.

    Two goldfish are sitting in a tank one says to the other “how do you drive this thing”.

  47. Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
    “Sadness,” he replied.
    “The opposite of depression?” he asked another student.
    “Elation,” he replied.
    “The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
    The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”

  48. Some of those jokes were funny i got a joke too!!
    what did the pencil shapener say to the pencil?
    stop going round in circles and get to the point. LOL! well i think its funny:)

  50. a duck walks into a bar an says to the bar man ” have you got any bread” the bar man says sorry we dont do bread mate. So the duck walks off the next day the duck comes back.” o right m8 have you any bread” says the duck”.” No we don’t do bread i all ready told you”. So the duck goes. The next day the duck returns.”hi you got any bread”. the bar man is gettin mad an says” listen if you walkin into this bar an ask from bread again i will nail yor bill to the bar NOW GET OUT!!” the duck is shocked an walks out.The next day the duck returns and the bar man looks at him an says ” dont you dare”. So the duck says ” orite mate do you have any nails”. the bar man confussed says ” no we dont do nails” so the duck says “good do you have any bread then”

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