The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. According to Montey Python, the world funniest joke is:

    “My dog has no nose.”

    “How bad does it smell?”

    “Awful.”

  2. President Bush was in a meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and one was briefing him about the days violence in Iraq.

    The Joint Chief tell him that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in combat.

    President Bush puts his head down and appeared to be crying. After a few akward moments, he lifts his head and asks the Joint Chief, “How many is a brazillion?”

  4. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
    The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
    So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.

  5. A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn’t know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn’t know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, “What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?” The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

  6. There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
    So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with four feet, jumps four feet.”
    So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, “Frog with three feet, jumps three feet.”
    So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook “Frog with two feet, jumps two feet.”
    The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with one foot, jumps one foot.”
    So the scientist cut off his last leg.
    “He said, “Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!”
    So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with no feet, goes deaf.”

  7. One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
    The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
    This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”
    The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

  8. There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
    Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
    When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”
    She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
    So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied,
    “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
    “You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
    “I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

  9. The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
    The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
    The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
    The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

  10. A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

    Officer: May i see your licence?

    Lady: what does it look like?

    Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

    The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

    The officer opens it up and says ‘if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn’t have pulled you over.’

  11. A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
    The guy says, ”Who is this?”
    ”This is the maid,” answers the woman.
    ”We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
    The woman says, ”I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
    The man says, ”Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
    The woman replies, ”She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
    The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ”Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
    The maid says, ”What will I have to do?”
    The man tells her, ”I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”
    The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
    The maid comes back to the phone, ”What do I do with the bodies?”
    The man says, ”Throw them in the swimming pool.”
    Puzzled, the maid answers, ”But you don’t have a pool.”
    A long pause and the man says, ”Is this 567-5309?”

  12. A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
    As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”
    She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
    “I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
    “That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
    With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
    He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
    “Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
    She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”

  13. A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
    “Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
    “I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
    “Oh, please come to my house!”
    “But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
    “Bring them along!” the rich man said.
    They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
    The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”

  14. A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

    “How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
    “He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
    “Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
    “He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
    “Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
    “He died of a broken neck.”
    “A broken neck?”
    “He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

  15. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

    Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.

    Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

    Blonde: Yes.

    Operator: The power in the house in on?

    Blonde: Of course.

    Operator: And the switch is on?

    Blonde: Yes, yes.

    Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?

    Blonde: No, it’s working fine.

    Operator: Then what’s the problem?

    Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

  21. Max and paddy go for a job interview and they both have to fill out a quick quiz, who ever gets the highist score gets the job.

    When they have finished the Manager marks the quizzes.

    Manager: Well both of you got the same amount of questions right but im going to give the job to Max.

    Paddy: Well thats not fair, how come Max gets the job when we both got the same amount of answers right.

    Manager: Well Paddy, on question five Max put, ‘i do not know the answer to this question’ and Paddy you put ‘niether do i’

  22. loved them all they are great

    I’m texan and the Chili contest made me burst w/ laughter

    My step-dad needs a lesson from you all

    Why did the turkey cross the road

    He did’nt want to be called chicken

  26. Heres a good one:
    Priest is checkin in to a hotel and says to the receptionist: I hope the porn is disabled
    Receptionist:no its normal ya freak.

  27. Most of these aren’t very funny, but I loved the one with the new taxi driver. Me and my friend spent a week trying to make up a joke back when were were in high school and this was what we came up with; only adults will understand this joke:

    A scrawny white man, wearing thick glasses and a pocket protector, walks into a bar that is unusually loud one night.

    He asks the bartender “What’s going on?”
    The bartender explains “every Saturday night we hold a competition!” While pointing to a gargantuan and well-built bouncer standing by the door, he continues “…Our bouncer Jeff will take a lemon and squeeze all of its juice content into a cup. If you’re able to squeeze just one drop out of the lemon after he hands it back, the prize is $1500. There’s a $10 fee for trying, but nobody has ever won!”

    The newcomer asks Jeff if he can give it a shot. The bouncer looks at him and laughs, stating that he’ll even waive the $10 fee for such a puny guy.

    Jeff takes a lemon and squeezes it for about 20 seconds while the entire bar cheers him on. Once he can extract no more juice he hands it back to the man in glasses, who takes it and squeezes with all his might. After a dramatic 45 seconds, and to the utter astonishment of the audience, he actually manages to squeeze 3 drops from the lemon and asks the bewildered bouncer for his prize!

    Stunned, but quite intrigued, Jeff hands him the money and questions what on earth the man does for a living, to which he replies “I’m an IRS agent.”

  28. Egg and chicken lying in bed together. Egg is smoking a cigarette and says to the chicken:
    Well, now we know the answer to that question

  33. There was an englishman, irishman and a scottishman all sentanced to death. and just as the englishman is about to be shot he shouts “wait !,, avalanche” and points infront of him and all the guys who was gonna shoot him turn around, and the englishman runs away. just as the scottishman is gonna be shot he shouts out “wait ! lightening” and points behind the guys who are gonna shoot him, and the guys who are gonna shoot him all turn around and he runs away. and just as the irishman is gonna get shot he shouts out “wait ! fire” and so they all shoot him

  34. omg….that is sooooo funny!

    Hear is one that is kinda funny….Little Peter wanted to know who God is so he asked his dad….is god a girl or a boy and his dad said both, son…. but dad, is god black or white? His dad said, he is both….now go and play….
    then he saw his friend James and said….I was right, I was right! Michael Jackson is God!

  35. Considering all the bad joke sites on the Internet, I think this site had a considerable amount of good jokes. I thought the monkey baby joke was the best…but, I enjoyed many others. To the people that stated they didn’t understand any of them except for the “knock, knock, poop” joke, all I can say is STAY IN SCHOOL!
    Very, very funny site.
    Keep laughing everyone!

  37. iv got a joke
    whats the difference between trampolines and lawyers…

    you take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline

  40. A few of the jokes are funny but some sucked
    by the way Burrgerrkinggagain and Jesus ur joks are hilarious but NaNaNa & Noe I don’t understand ur joks as for Keith I dont understand u

  41. Two guys were walking through the woods
    when the come upon this big hole in the ground.
    It is so deep they cannot see the bottom and decide
    to throw a rock down there to see how far down it goes.
    They throw a rock and listen for a moment. There is no
    sound. They decide the hole is very deep and they
    need something bigger to throw down to hear it hit
    the bottom.

    One of them spies a large rail road tie in the weeds
    and the two of them get on each end and on the
    count of three they heave this railroad tie into the
    hole. All of a sudden they hear this rusteling in the
    bushes and a goat comes running at full speed
    out of the weeds and jumps straight down the hole.

    They were surprised and stood there looking into the
    hole wondering what would cause such a strange
    action from a goat. Pretty soon a farmer comes
    strolling out of the bushes and asks “Hey, either
    of you guys seen my goat?”

    The guys reply, “Uh, yea, a goat just came running
    up and jumped down this hole”.

    The farmer said “Couldn’t have been my goat, my
    goat was chained to a rail road tie”.

  42. A young potato goes to her father one day and says, ‘Dad, I have wonderful
    news. I’m getting married!”

    “Wonderful,” says the Potato father. “Who are you going to marry?”
    “I’m going to marry a Russet”, she says.

    “Russets are outstanding Potatoes. You have my blessing. They come from fine
    stock. Get married and have a long, happy life.”

    Then the second Potato daughter goes to the Potato father and says, “Dad, I
    have wonderful news. I’m getting married, too.”

    Her potato father says, “What marvelous news! Who are you going to marry?”

    To this she replies, “I am going to marry an Idaho.”

    The potato father says, “Idaho’s are also wonderful Potatoes. You have my
    blessing as I know they are terrific with excellent roots.

    Then the third daughter goes to her father and says, “I, too, am getting
    married.”

    The potato dad says, “I can’t believe this. I am so happy. Who are you going
    to marry?”

    The third daughter replies: Dan Rather.”

    “Dan Rather??”, exclaims the shocked father. “You can’t marry Dan Rather.
    He’s a commontater.”

  43. these jokes were really funny!! its good that ppl will take the time out of their day to help another person laugh. laughter is the best medicine!! i hope everyone who saw this page smiled at least once.
    Would you do something for me?
    i noticed that whenever someone tells a joke, even if its childish or just plain silly, it can get usually get a chuckle out of someone. Then the person who laughed will try to think of another joke to make someone else laugh. And that next person will do the same thing!! Its a chain reaction!! So, if one person told one joke everyday, think of what a happier place the world would be!! Theres so much to gain and nothing to lose!!
    as a wise philosopher once said;
    “for that is the saving grace of comedy. if u fail no one is laughing at you!”
    have an awesome day.
    you are a unique and special person, there will never be another like you, you are a marvel. So why not try and make the world a better place? think of your friends your family your kids everyone you love, and if u dont care about making the world a better, happier place, do it for them. Do it for us.
    Thank you!! =)

  45. A lady goes to see a doctor and explains that she is losing her sex drive and is worried that it will negatively effect her marriage. The doctor explains that it is probably a lowering of her testosterone levels, so he gives her some testosterone pills that will help balance her system. Concerned, she questions him about testosterone being a male hormone. He assures her that both men and have this hormone and that it is predominately in men and that women tend to lose their sex drive when the little amount they have in their system drops significantly. “Come back in six months and tell me how it is working for you,” he says reassuringly. She agrees to try. Three months later she returns complaining about some strange hair growth on her chest. The doctor says “Well how far down is this hair growing?” She yells back “All the down to my peni-.”

  46. Are you kidding!? Aweful jokes. I think I have the best joke I have ever heard and you are about to read it. Ready?…

    Have you seen Quasimodo?

    …I have a hunch he’s back!

    AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    that left me laughing for DAYS

  47. HERE’S A GOOD ONE:

    A blonde walks into a library, approaches the front desk and says, “Can I get a cheeseburger?”. The librarian confused, says, “ma’am, this is a library”. The blonde replies with a quiet whisper, “oh sorry, can I have a cheeseburger?”

  48. Try this one. a pig walks into a bar and orders a drink then 20 more without going to the bathroom the bartender asks how he does it and the pig replies ……………………………………….. “simple i’m the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home”

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