The Funniest Jokes in the World

by


A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. “Honey, today my friends will visit our home,” said husband to his wife.
    “What?! Look our home! Like a sinking ship! Floor still dirty. Dirty laundry pile in bathroom. I burned my cooking. Our kid got sick. I’m not even take a bath yet. But you invite your friends here!”
    “Calm down honey. Let’s forget all those things. They want to get married. I intentionally invite them, so they can see what marriage life can be.”

  2. 2 grandfathers sit in the bench under the tree. One grandpa said to other, “Bejo, now I am 73 old and sick a lot. You have about the same age, is that the same things happened to you?”
    “Well, …actually I feel like a newborn baby.”
    “Really? Do you really feel like a newborn baby?”
    “Yes! I am bald, have no teeth, … even now I pee in my pant!”

  4. man this is the best joke

    ur mum is so dumb that when
    a robber came and stole her tv
    she ran after him and said
    u forgot the remote!!!

    LOL!

  7. im 10 and my brother is 12 and my twin brother and sister is 6 and we all agree that every single one of the jokes were TERRIBLE!NOT EVEN KIS UNDER 13 ENJOY THESE JOKES.the comments were better.

    BTW the ralphy joke was hilarious. lol

  9. oh ive got a good one.

    SO a man who is 60 ears old getsa face lift. HE now looks like 40. So he goes aroung asking people if they can guess his age. The first place he goes is a mcdonalds. He asks a woman if she can gess his age. She says thirty nine. The man says i wish i were and tells her hes 60. He then goes to a bagel shop and asks a costomer. the costomer says 45. The man says no and tells him 60. Soon he goes to a subway station and asks an old lady. SHe says that she can tell what the age of a person is only by feeling his peni-. The guy wais for verybody to leave and then she does that. She then tells the man 60. The mn says how do you know! she tells him, i was standing behind you at mcdonalds, and quickly bords the train.

    I heard that back in London, when my mum took me to a comedy show! Heehee!

  12. Efficiancy Expert Joke-A couple was having dinner in a nice restaraunt,when they noticed that each of the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket.When they asked their waiter why,he explained that an efficiancy expert had determined that if they carried a spoon with them they would save a significant amount of time not going to the kitchen if someone dropped one. A while later they noticed that the waiters also had a string hanging out of their flys.When asked, the waiter explained that it was because they were told that when they went to the bathroom,if they tied the string to their private part they could use the string to remove it from their pants and then would’nt have to wash their hands, saving important time. Well OK, said the customer,but how do you get it back in your pants? Oh thats easy,says the waiter, we use the spoon.

  13. Come on now, That was pretty good.I think I deserve a round of applause. I’m saying The Efficiency Expert is new best joke. (And I’m spelling efficiency more better,too.)The hunting accident joke is a mighty joke, though.And the dog telegram was good.Thanks for a laugh.

  14. ur jokes are funny but some are just stupid. tri this the man walked in to a bar and said ooch lol na that was not funny but it was better than some of yours

  15. okay,

    A man is in a desert, dehydrated and almost dried up, when he sees a stable up ahead. He crawls over to it and knocks on the door. A man comes out, sees the poor man and nurses him back to health. When the man is better the nice man loads up a horse with food and water and put the man on it. “Now, this horse is special.” he says. “To make him go, you say ‘thank god’ to make him stop, you say halleljuah. the man thanks him and leaves, while yelling thank god. After an hour of riding, he starts to see a cliff ledge ahead. thank god! he says. He forgets how you make the horse stop. thank god! thank god! he says but the horse keeps gaining speed.Then, a few feet from the edge, he remembers. HALLELJUAH! he screams, as the horse screeches to a halt, inches away from the cliif edge. “thank god” he says

  17. I was in a taxi and the driver was whistling and he had a grin on his face.
    ” i love this job ! I’m my own boss and i never get told what to do”
    i replied :
    “left here ! “

  19. There are some funny jokes on here. i particularly liked the teacher one. everyone should stop complaining we all have different senses of humour.

  20. A man is speeding and is pulled over by a cop

    cop says: sir im gona havta give you a tickit for speeding.

    man starts singing “21 today 21 today hey hoe meeadio 21 today!

    cop says: oh sir its your birthday ok ill let you off this once just dont let it happen again.

    man drives off and knocks down an old woman and starts to sing…. 22 today 22 today…….

  21. yo mamma so ugly when she stands on the beach the tide wont come in. yo mamma so fat when she gos to the zoo elephants start throwing peanuts at her. yo mamma so fat when she gos to the zoo she has to buy 2 tickets, one to get in one to get out. yo mamma so old when i tell her to act her age she dies. yo mamma so fat when she jumps for joy she gets stuck. yo mamma so stupid she invented the first yo mamma joke

  22. Two guys are walkin’ down the street. They come across a dog, sitting on the corner, merrily licking his own “private parts.” The first guy says, “MAN! I wish *I* could do that!” The second guy replys, “Don’t you think you should PET him first?!)

  23. LOL the one about the hunters was so funny. I literally rolled on the floor laughing at the one with the lady and her baby…hahaha

  25. I was yelling at my kid cousing the other day and he replied ” Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me..” so I threw a dictionary at him.

  26. I think all of these jokes are great once you get to think about them it just takes time. i think it is cool everyone has there own sense of humor.Everyone should

  28. These jokes did not even make me smile, it’s epic FAIL. If you go up to post 1 & see the reply of post 3…I laughed so hard lulz

  29. WELL I AM NOT HERE TO LEAVE A COMMIT, BUT HERE TO PUT IN 2 JOKES…

    1. A COWBOY RIDES INTO TOWN ON FRIDAY, STAYS THREE DAYS, AND THEN LEAVES ON FRIDAY. HOW DID HE DO IT?

    2. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE IN ROAST BEEF AND PEA STEW?

    3. A TEACHER ASK A KID WHAT THEIR FAVORITE KIND OF FLOWER WAS. THE KID SAID, CRSYANTHMUM AND THE TEACHER ASKED THE KID TO SPELL IT. THE KID ANSWERED I CHANGED MY MIND… MY FAVORITE FLOER IS A ROSE… R-O-S-E.

  30. HERE ARE THE ANSWERES…
    1. HIS HORSE’S NAME WAS FRIDAY
    2. ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF BUT NOBODY CAN PEE STEW.
    3. WELL THE ANSWER IS IN THE THRID ONE.

    I KNOW I SAID THREE AND THEN I THOUGHT OF ANOTHER, AND I FORGOT TO EARASE 2 AND PUT 3. LOL!

  32. Here are 2 jokes that made me laugh and i figured I’d share them with everyone:

    A man and woman just got married and were spending their first night together. They were both starting to undress and the man took his shoes and socks off first.
    The woman looked at his toes all red and curled in and asked, “What happened to your toes?”
    So he answered, “I suffered from a childhood disease called Tolio.”
    Woman: Don’t you mean Polio?
    Man: No, Tolio only affects the toes.

    Then they continue undressing and he takes his pants off and she notices that his knees are real ugly and crooked so she asks him what happened.
    Man: I also suffered from Kneasles.
    Woman: Don’t you mean Measles?
    Man: No, Kneasles. It only affects the knees.

    So finally he takes his underwear off and the wife takes one look and seems disappointed.
    Man: I CAN EXPLAIN!!!
    Woman: Don’t tell me…
    … You also had smallcox?

    Here is the 2nd joke I read a few years ago and thought it was pretty clever:

    Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town…
    and put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.”

    The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Catatonics and High Colonics.” No go.

    Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.” Thumbs down again.

    Then came “Minds and Behinds.” Still no good.

    Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes.”

    Unacceptable again! So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts.” Not a chance.

    “Nuts and Butts?” No way. “Freaks and Cheeks?” Still no go.

    “Loons and Moons?” Forget it.

    Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

    Everyone loved it.

    HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE JOKES!!!

  35. I like them
    and the comments XD
    here’s one..
    there’s a girl on a bus, and she badly needs a fart. luckily for her, there is music on full blast. so she farts and then her favourite song comes on, and she farts to the beat of the song. while she is farting her stop is coming up so she stands up and notices everyone looking at her. she suddenly remembers she has her iPod in :L

  36. There was a blonde who came outside looked in her mailbox and slammed it shut. A few minutes later she did it again. The third time she did it her neighbor asked her what she was doing. She replied “My stupid computer keeps telling me ‘You’ve got mail’. Hehehehehehahahahahahehehe

  37. there was three girls a blonde a brunette and a red head the were getting chased by the cops so down the road away from the cops they see a factory and so they pull over and hide the car the girls go in and find three sacks one full of cats one full of dogs and one full of potatoe the brunette jumps in the dogs the red head jumps in the cats and the blonde jumps in the potatoes so the cops see the car and the factory so they go in and search the factory and they find the sacs and the cops kick the dogs the brunette goes woof woof so there like o.k. and then they kick the cats and the red head goes meow and there like o.k. so they kick the sac full of potatoes and the blonde goes potato

  41. i would tell u the joke about the butter but u myte spread it

    i would tell u the joke about the wall but u myte not get over it

  45. Why would a factory have sacks of dogs/cats/potatoes?! That has got to be hands-down the stupidest “joke” I have ever wasted my time reading! wow – so, so, so stupid!

    Here’s one for those of us who aren’t brain dead..

    A lawyer drives by a park in his limo and sees two men on their hands and knees eating grass. He tells the driver to pull over, rolls down his window and yells out,

    “hey, why are you eating this grass?”
    The first man replies
    “it’s the recession, we’ve hit hard times and have no money, yet we need to eat something”
    so the lawyer tells them to get into his car to come back to his place for dinner. The men point back towards the park and tell the lawyer that their families are out there also grazing on the grass. The lawyer tells the men to bring them along too! So they all pile into the back of the limo and one of the happy men pipes up…
    “I don’t know why people say all these mean nasty things about lawyers – you’re just about the nicest guy ever, to offer all of us a meal at your home sir!”
    To which the lawyer replies…
    “it’s a win-win situation for everyone. You all get to eat to your hearts contents, and I won’t have to mow my lawn this week”

  46. this is lame but what do you call cheese thats not yours?

    nacho cheese get it not cho cheese hahaha no not really

  48. thers an american, a french and an Australian . The american says we build big and we build fast we built the empire state building in 6weeks. Then the frenchman says we build big and we build fast we built the ifoll tower in 2 weeks. Then the american turns to the australian and says hey what do you have . and the australian says I don’t know probably nothing . The american then says what about that brigde. Indecateing the Sydney harbour brigde outside the window.The australian looks over his shoulders and says I don’t know it wasn’t the yesterday

  49. wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.””Yes I do!””Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?””Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.””Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?””Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.””Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?””Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.””Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?””Well, then I pick up some of the shit that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out ofthe cage.””Well, what if there ain’t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?””Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”

  50. Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, broughtthe box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Bob has been missing since Friday.

Leave a Comment