The Funniest Jokes in the World

by


A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, “Hallelujah!” The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, “Amen!”
    The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions. “Hallelujah!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. “Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. “This is great!” said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
    The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. “Stop,” said the man. “Halt!” he cried. The donkey just kept going. “Oh, no… Bible!….Church!…Please Stop!!” shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. “Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN.”
    The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
    “HALLELUJAH!”, shouted the man.

  2. How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

    1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

    3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

    4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your Desk And Label It ‘In.’

    5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
    Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

    6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write ‘For Smuggling Diamonds’

    7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy.’

    8. Don t use any punctuation

    9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

    10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go.’

    12. Sing Along At The Opera.

    13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

    14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

    15. Have Your colleagues address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

    16. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won!, I Won!’

    17. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The car park, Yelling
    ‘Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!’

    18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity…….

    Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
    Its Called ……. Therapy

  3. Cop pulls over a taxi.

    Cop says: “License please.”

    Taxi driver says: “What for?”

    Cop: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

    Taxi driver: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

    Cop: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License please.”

    Taxi driver: “What’s the difference?”

    Cop: “The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License please!”

    Taxi driver: “Heish … if you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”

    Cop says: “Exit your vehicle, sir.”

    The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his knuppel and starts beating the taxi driver and says: “you want me to stop or just slow down?”

  4. Gas Attack
    A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!” The woman thought, “this is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “dammit Ginger!” Once again the woman smiled and thought, “yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “dammit Ginger, get away from her before she craps on you!”

  5. Triplets
    A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong” asks the mother. “I was taking pee and this bullet came out” replies the daughter. The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. “Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out”. Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.” “Not exactly,” says the boy. “And the bullet bounced off the ceiling and shot the dog.”

  6. these jokes are the funniest jokes but here is one for ya

    yo mamma so small that she uses a teabag as a pillow
    and whenever she sits on the sidewalk her feet dangle in the air

  7. I HAVE A JOKE…

    THERE ONCE WAS A BOY WHO KNEW NO ENGLISH AT ALL!
    SO ONE DAY HE WENT TO LEARN SOME WORDS. HIS MOM SAID TELL ME EVERY THING YOU LEARNED. “OKAY”.SAID THE BOY. AND SO HE WENT.HE WAS WALKING BY HE HEARD SOME CONSTRUCHON MEN SAY “GIVE ME A DOOR.” THEN HE WENT BY SOME RUNNING PEOPLE SCREAMING “AH. A RAY OF LIGHTNING!” THEN HE SAW A FIGHT AND THE PEOPLE SAID “ME.ME.ME!” THEN HE WENT BY A SINGING CLASS AND HE HEARD “FA FA FA.” THEN HE WENT BY A GREATY PURSON AND HE SAID “SO.” THEN HE WENT BY A SINGING CLASS AND HE HEARD “LA.” THEN HE WENT BY A SCHOOL AND HEARD “OKAY CLASS THIS IS THE LETTER T.”
    THEN HE WENT BACK TO THE CONSTRUCHON PLACE AND HEARD “DOOR DOOR.” AGAIN. THEN HE WENT HOME TO HIS MOM “OKAY WHAT DID YOU LEARN?” SHE ASKED.
    “DO,RAY,ME,FA,SO,LA,TE,DO”

    I MADE UP THIS JOKE AND I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

    LOVE
    AMY;-)

  8. This is my all time fav joke….
    there once was 3 girls name lily, daisy, and cinderblock. lily asked her dad why she was named lily, he dad said “because a rose pedal dropped on your head. daisy asked her dad why she was named daisy and he said ” because a diasy pedal dropped on ur head” then cinderblock came along and said der duh der duh der. her dad said ” shut up cinderblock.

  9. Okay, usually I don’t make comments on pages like this … but something SERIOUSLY caught my eye…obviously some of these jokes people aren’t going to think is funny.. or just simply not get them so obviously their not funny then… but people are coming to this site to get a good laugh… not to argue so all you immature people jus HUSH IT and don’t even waste your time… So what if you don’t think a joke is funny??? Obviously the person who posted it thinks it is.. it’s not like there just going to take the time out of their lives to write something dumb? This is a joke itself… people arguing on the funniest jokes page… haha ya’ll are silly…

  10. I got a funny joke….

    A blind man with a seeing eye dog walks into a store.Then,the blind man starts to swing the dog around in the air!The manager walks up and sys “Sir!what are you doing!” the blind man replys, “OH!JUst “looking around.”

  11. i have a joke “Why did the skeliton not go to the disco?” You’ll never guesse.”because he had no body to go with” ha ha ha ha thats one of the best jokes ever are atleast better than this websites jokes lol oh i got a even better joke… THIS WEBSITE

  12. A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm – says to the bartender, “I’d like a scotch and soda.”
    The bartender, barely looking up as he wipes the bar replies, “Sorry, we don’t allow pigs in the bar.”
    The woman, full of righteous indignation, retorts, “This, my good man, is NOT a pig – it is a DUCK!”
    To which he responds, “I know! I was talking to the duck!”

  16. This guy calls 911. The dispatcher answers and says, 911 How can I help you? The guy in a southern draw says, my wife got attacked by a wild boar and i need your help. The dispatcher asks for his address, he says 123 Eucalyptus Dr.Then the dispatcher says, can you spell that. There is a pause and he says I’m going to drag her on over to Oak St.

  17. none of yall are funny ok here is a good joke your mama so fat when see steped on a talkin scale it said to be continued

  18. Oh! No! Immature Im sorry! My other comments did not go through. All i was saying is that your comment was awsome ad if you were a girl I would like you as date because most girls who ask me i say no because of their type.

  19. Ah man! My Joke was a page long but funny it took me all night to remember it! Thats no funny! Well here it goes, Check this out!

    One Day Little Davy was in class one day and the teacher was grading papers she all of a sudden jumped up with a red face “IF ANY ONE IN THIS CLASS THINKS THEY’RE STUPID STAND UP!” No one stood up for three minutes the teacher stood there waiting towering over the class taping her toes in impatience. Davy stood up. The teacher looked at him and opened her mouth wide. “Davy you’re the only kid in this class that might make a decent scholarship in high school from the grades you get now! YOU HAVE STRAIT A’s!” Davy looked up, “Oh i know im smart.” “Oh.” The teacher said. “The why did you stand up?!?” Davy looked at her trying to hold off a smile. “You were the only one standing up teacher Lacy, I felt sorry for you, You were the only one that was stupid.”

    This used up a whole page(this website comment size!) Funny joke huh? No it took me a while to figure it out, like two seconds. Hah!Hah! Later

  20. Like what Immature said, Some of these comments are like none of you that give lame comments have no life like you, Jessica or Morgan You guyes have no since of humor and you just can’t get over the fact that you want to fit in to the crowd that seems cool because they say retarded crapped up comments that tick me off get a job I suggest RESPECTING OTHERS JERKS!

  21. I just wonder why some idiots are saying those jokes aren’t funny, then again i guess it’s not their fault if there retarded, or four year olds.

    Honestly people, don’t say the jokes aren’t funny just because you don’t get them, if you don’t get them that doesn’t make them not funny, just beyond you.

    Here’s an alright joke…

    A man and a women have been married 75 years, and for their anniversary they go out for a nice dinner. During the dinner the man asks the women

    “I couldn’t help but notice our 15th child looked a little different from all the rest, now we’ve had 75 wonderful years together, and nothing you can say will take that away, or make me stop loving you, so tell me honestly, did our 15th child have a different father?”

    The woman hides her face in shame and says “Yes”

    The man is slightly shocked, so he asks “Who was it??”

    The woman looks up, tears in her eyes and says “You”

  22. Hey, when I was looking on this sight i saw that alot of people repeated other peoples jokes; just diffrently said. Weird, Listen to this.

    Two blondes are laying on a Caligornian beach

    1 Blonde: Which one is further? The sun or Florida?

    2 blonde: Duh, you can see the sun.

  25. allthese jokes are funny the coments are stupid i hate the comments hers a joke a guy is robbing a house a heares jesus is waching you and he keeps going then he heres it agien and moves on then heres it agien and turns around and sees a parret and the parret says hi im mosses and the guy says what kind of person would name you mosses and the parret says tha same person that named there bulldog jesus

  26. man walks into a bar ouch! P.S the German one has to be the worst one on the page closely followed by the Begum one leave the joke telling to the British and maybe the Americans if they stop making tv shows like Scrubs, my name is erl and family guy

  28. My wife had just left for work, and I was getting ready to leave. As I was about to turn the radio off, I heard a traffic update- ‘URGENT, Please avoid the M4 motorway at all costs, as some idiot is driving down the wrong way’. Knowing that was roughly where my wife was, I quickly phoned her to warn her.
    Me:’Hi babe, get off the motorway, there is some lunalic driving down the wrong way!’
    Wife: ‘ONE!! there are hundreds of them!!’

  29. LOL! here’s a joke! A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

    To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

    My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

  30. LOL! here’s another one! There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

    The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

    Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

    Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

    The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

    Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

  31. a guy was on a plane and blonde flight attendant came to him and asked “would u like something to eat?” then he asked “wat r my options?” and she said “yes or no”
    if u dont get it—–she was saying his options were yes or no wile he wanted to know wat they were serving
    (//_-) =P

  32. leme rephrase this so it will get posted…

    “these mentally challenged jokes are so fecal mattery”

  33. i think the joke were the mam gets into the bus and man says child is ugly tat one its brill cos it is lol

  34. Oh God! Joseph you killed that joke! I came up with that joke and I had no idea what you were talking about! Brothers! Sheesh!

  35. That comment ws harsh about Anonymous! OMG what kind of web site is this? Where you go and cuss out other commenters. That have the right to say what they want to say oh yeah My name is erl is stupid:(

  36. HEy Danno (stupid name!) You joke was retarded! And joseph Oh My Gosh! What kinda lame joke was that! “Ehat kidof people name ther bird moses name their “bulldog” wwhich 9 out 0f ten chance will not attack anyone Jesus!?!” What the most stupidest punch line in the history of the world!

  38. A pirate walks into a bar.
    The bartender points at his crotch and asks, “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a wooden steering wheel sticking out of your pants.”
    The pirate replies, “Argh, it’s driving me nuts!”

  40. haha alot of the things people sayon here are funny but to the ones who dont like the jokes.go on with your day!

  41. Man RAD you did it! You succsessfully copied and killed a joke! If you look higher to Blah’s comment (it’s Joke 234) You screwed it up! MAn! And your other joke The layer one check joke 155 you will see that you copied and srewed that one up too. Ah yes Ashley(256) I see you copied joke 49 and screwed it up. Cinderblock!?! are you stupid!?!

  42. Hey! alot of people repeat other jokes thinking that we will think thay you copiers came up with it first! Stop! I made up 43 % of this sight! I’m up to your games I can tell what your intensions are. IM NOT STUPID!

  45. these are really funny jokes…. i like them all, but my favorite one is the one about the doctor an the girl’s eyesight……and my favorite comment joke is from sean who is #4…halarious

  46. i tried that poop joke on my cousin and he started laughing like a mad scientist. like boahahahahahahahaaaaaaa

  49. A Native American Joke from South Park:
    Pony and Coyote walk up mountain to talk with Eagle. Pony says to Eagle, “Can you yell at Coyote for me?”. Eagle asks, “Why not yell yourself?”. Pony says, “I’m a little hoarse”.

  50. omg whats wrong with yall these jokes r CORNY!!!!!!! the fact that so many ppl actually looked up this site and were so bored that they actually took time out of their lives to comment and put WORSE jokes …i find it funny that your parents love u and yea im on here too put i got this throgh facebook so im exempt

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