The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. whats blue and smells like red paint?

    Blue paint. you would be surprised with the amount of people that dont come up with the answer

  3. hey numbnuts at #4 that is an old joke, you didn’t make it up,that’s a lowdown thing to do, you probably saw that on Big Trouble, which was written by DAve Barry by the way, in short you’re a liar…

  4. Here’s the thing. To all those who said, “whoever made this site is dumb. Those jokes aren’t funny. etc,” did you read the article? Those are the jokes that according to a survey scored the highest among participants. Yes, they’re bland. But they are funny. Simple, unoffensive, but funny. Different things go into whether someone considers a joke funny. For instance, many people will automatically deem a joke “unfunny” if it offends them.

    Possibly the most perfect joke I’ve ever heard:

    Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
    Because she’s a woman.

    This joke is so simple, but it uses the essence of comedy incredibly well. Especially misdirection. Of course it may also be a little offensive to some people. Those would not give a joke like that a high score/call it funny.

  5. here is a funny joke?plz leave comments(nice ones)

    A man and a girrafe walk into a bar and ask the bar man for a couple of drinks.A couple of hours later the girrafe goes over the top and passes out because he had to many drinks the the bar man walks up to the man who was with the girrafe and says”why’s that lying on the floor” the replies “it aint a lion mate its a girrafe!”

  7. What did the three frogs say to each other when they crossed the road? ‘Watch out for the ….. what ….. that ….. ‘

    ps; you can swap the ….. with blip/squash/mash souds when saying it.

  11. WOW, i have pity on you guys……

    so there is Barak Obama, Bill Clinton, and John McCain are in a limo together.

    Suddeny a huge tornado picks them up and flings them off to another world.

    Barak Obama gets out of the limo and says

    Obama- “We must be in the land of Oz! maybe i can go the wizard and he can give me a Brain!”

    Then McCain gets out and says

    McCain-“Ya!, maybe he can give me a Heart!!!”

    Then Clinton gets out and says

    Clinton- “Where the hell is Dorthy?”

  12. Alright, this is another version of the hunting one….

    there are two buddies hunting together and one of them says to the other

    “ya know, we should really be wearing blaze orange clothes so that other hunters know that we are here.”

    “Na, we’ll be fine trust me”

    so the first guuy agrees and slings his gun over his shoulder.

    All of a sudden there is a shot heard and the buddy in front wildley turns around and says:

    “did ya get one buddy!!!”

    Then he looks down and sees his friend lying on the ground moaning.

    He calls 911 and tells the operator

    “HELP! HELP! my little buddy! i think i shot my little buddy!!”

    So the operator is calm and tells the man to reamin calm.
    “Alright, what you need to do is make sure that he is dead.”
    “Okay!”

    so he sets down the phone and….BANG!!!

    “Alright now what do i do?”

  14. Aw, come on, guys. Lighten up! I think these jokes are pretty funny, and civilized enough. Here’s one, but it kinda sux.

    When the zoo’s most famous gorilla, Nana, died, the zoo knew they would lose profits, so they hired somebody to act as a gorilla. The person would get lots of cash to wear a gorilla suit and jump around.

    Unfortunately, a lion got out of its cage, and leapt into “Nana”‘s, much to the actor’s horror.
    He decided to give up the act and try to save his life.
    “Please, please! Someone help me, the lion’s going to kill me!”

    And then the lion said,
    “Shut up, or we’ll both get sacked!”
    It sucks, I know.
    And I also dislike “the duck song” at the top of the page, it’s too slow-moving.

  15. Another one! It’s pretty rude, though…

    A psychiatrist called three women in for a test with their children. After long hours of testing, he found a serious obsession in all of the mothers.

    He told the first, “you have a severe obsession with food. You called your daughter Candy!”

    He told the second, “you are freakishly obsessed with money; you named your daughter Penny!”

    Before the third mother could be told what her obsession was, she lead her son out of the office,m saying, “We don’t need to hear this, Dick.”

    Hehehehe!
    It’s very inappropriate, but kind of funny.
    And I have nothing against those names, I actually like them.

  16. Okay, listen, I’m not repeating this joke from further up, I am just editing it. I found that I recognized the general idea, but it was hard to read for spelling mistakes, so (because I’m a control freak) I am going to re-write it.

    A burglar entered a house, and started to pocket a bronze vase, when he heard, “Jesus is watching you, thief!”

    Ignoring it, he proceeded to take a silver plate, when he heard it again; “Jesus is watching you, thief!”

    He turned around anxiously, while grabbing a golden nugget, but he heard it again!
    “Jesus is watching you, thief!”

    “Okay, that’s it”, he said in frustration. “Who is saying that?”
    “I am!” said the voice behind him, and the burglar swivelled to see a tiny, cute little budgie.
    “What’s your name?” he said to the budgie.
    “Moses.”
    “What kind of owner would call a budgie that?”
    And the budgie replied,
    “The same kind of owner that would call their 50-pound Rottweiler Jesus!”

    Hawhaw.

  17. Here’s a rude one.

    A couple had already given birth to two beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed baby girls with cherubic faces, but their third child was a rubber-faced, wailing little brat.
    The husband confronted the wife about this.
    “Hey, have you been cheating on me?”
    The wife said smugly, “Not this time.”

  23. i have a joke……
    a blonde was driving recklessly along the road and a policeman stopped her saying, “Miss, why are you driving recklessly along the road?”
    And the blonde said, “Because sir, everywhere I look there is a tree in my way.”
    “Ma’am,” said the policeman, “that’s your air freshner.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLO!

  24. they are good but not all jokes in here….

    i love jokes i i have read a lots of jokes. i think this are to alds.. they not the funniest i’ve ever read. i will post some jokes when i’ll cmoe back… i’m sleepy after reading this jokes…. lol

  25. here’s a good joke 4 u.. a bear and a rabbit were walking in the forrest and they find a lamp. The bear picks it up and rubs it and a genie pops out of it. The genie says ” you both may have three wishes each. The bear says “Me first! I wish that all the beasrs in this forrest were girls!” and the genie grants it. The rabbit says ” i wish i had a fast motorcyle!” The genie grants it. The bears then says, “I wish all the bears in this country were girls except me!” It’s granted. The rabbit says “I wish i had a helmet for my motorcyle.” The genie grants the wish. For the bears last wish he says, “I wish all the bears in the universe were girls except for me!” the rabbit quickly responds, “I wish that bear was gay.” HAHAHA!!!

  26. personally, I think that the funniest part of this page is the conflict between people who like the jokes and those who dont. Anyway, here’s a blonde joke (not to anyone’s offense):

    A man was out washing his car on a sunny day. his neighbor, a blone woman, came out side to her mailbox, opened it, frowned, and closed it before walking inside. 15 minutes later, she checked her mail again only to find that it was empty. After continually doing this, the man finally asked her, “Why do you keep checking your mail?”
    She replied, “Well, my computer keeps saying that I have mail, but when I check it there is none!”

  28. A blonde a burneete and a redhead all die to go to heavan they have to go up 100 staircases someone tells them a joke on every staircase if they laugh they go to hell the redhead laughs on the first one the burnette laughs on the 67th one the blone laughs on the 99th on before they tell her the joke they ask why she laughed she says I just got the first joke.

  29. Heres some jks
    if a Blonde throws a grenade at u wat do u do
    i know pull the pin and throw it back

    an american guy a russian guy and a blonde was walkin down the road and the american guy said we were the 1st one to walk on the moon the the russian dude said oh yea we were the 1st ones in space and the blonde said oh yea im goin to be the 1st one on the sun they looked at the blonde and said u retard u cant go to the sun she said yes huh im goin at NIGHT!!!!
    HaHaHaHaHaHa
    tell me if u think its funny no offense if ur a blonde

  32. A woman goes to a plastic surgeon. She says, “I want to tighten the skin on my face.”
    The surgeon says, “Well we have a new device called the knob. We attach a knob to the top of your head and any time you want to tighten your skin, just turn the knob and you’ll look 10 years younger instantly.”
    Years pass and the knob works perfectly for the woman. Everytime she notices wrinkles, she twists the knob and tightens her skin. However one day the woman comes back to the surgeon with some problems. She says, “I’ve used the knob for years and I’ve never had any complaints with it, but I have 2 problems. Firstly, I can’t seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes…”
    The doctor examines the bags closely and says after a few minutes, “Hmmm those bags under your eyes are in fact your breasts.”
    After a minute the woman sighs and says, “well I guess there’s no point asking about the goatee then…”

  33. a newlywed couple are in their hotel room on their wedding night. Before things start heating up the man says, “Listen honey, theres’s something I wanna make clear to you…”
    The woman asks what.
    He says, “I want you to wear my pants”
    The woman looks puzzled, but does it anyway. Obviously they were way too big for her. She laughs and says “Babes, I can’t fit into your pants…”
    He replies, “Exactly. So don’t ever try to”
    After making his point he leans in for a kiss.
    She pauses and says, “Actually, I want you to wear my pants too.”
    He looks puzzled but does it anyway. They were obviously too small for him. He laughs and says, “This is ridiculous, I can’t get into you pants…”
    “Yep,” she replies, “and that’s the way it’s gonna be until you change your mind.”

  34. wowow.. did anyone actually realise that the comments box is alot more better than the actual jokes??? someone should just come up with a website with one comment box only. it will be the BEST JOKE SITE EVER!!!

  35. A blonde and a brunette are racing up a bumpy road on their way to rob a bank. While bumping up and down, the brunette turns to the blonde, who is driving, and says, “you should slow down, I don’t want all the dynamite in the boot to explode”. At this the blonde turns to the brunette and says, “Oh, it’s OK. If that happens, I’ve got some spare under my seat”

  36. A group of blondes and a brunette are dangling from a rope over a large chasm, and with no strength to climb up, they admit that they are doomed.
    The brunette, the leader, makes a great and terrific speech.
    And the blondes clap.

  39. To be honest, the funniest joke i ever heard was this: “Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: To get to the bottom!”

    Not funny right. Try reading a joke book, finding this joke, and not getting it for 3 years

  40. I was reading this b/c i like to laugh, but i was definitely not laughing. heres a joke my friend told me:

    A guy is driving down the highway at about 20 mph and he gets pulled over by a cop. the cop asked him why he is going so slow and he says “well right over there, the sign says 20!” the cop answered him, “sir, that says route 20.” the guy driving says oh, oops. then the cop asked what happened to the people in the back seat because their faces were screwed up and their hair was sticking straight back. the guy answered him “well, we just got off of route 280!”

    ha ha, thats a funny one!!!

  41. There are way too many comments. And yes the jokes aren’t that funny but yes I did get a laugh out of them because I understand them. The comments are ok but some people should just not own a computer.

  42. Why do people call them seaguls?

    Cause if they flew over the bay they would be called bayguls!!!

  46. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. On the island they found a genie who granted them a wish each. The brunette wished to be back home. The redhead wished the same. So the genie granted their wish and they were gone. Then the blonde said to the genie:
    “I want my friends back.”

  47. Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” the newspaper obit read. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50.

  48. This is the story of Jon Godby.

    Jon has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

    The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the “Butcher Dance.”

    The guy’s a bit confused and says, “Butcher Dance? What’s that?”

    “What? You no see Butcher Dance?”

    “No, I’ve never heard of it.”

    “Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?”

    “Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?”

    “No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree.”

    “Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?”

    “Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance.”

    “Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.”

    “OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles ’til you see big huge dead gum tree – biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

    You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days ’til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day ’til you see pass through mountains.

    Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days ’til reach big huge rock – 20 ft high and shaped like man’s head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance.”

    So Jon grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he’s forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn’t reach the tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.

    He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he’s excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

    True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills – nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s dream.

    The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

    When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

    Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

    Once he’s recovered enough, Jon goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

    “Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance.”

    “Well, when do you hold the next dance?”

    “Not ’til next year.”

    “Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?”

    “No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year.”

    Jon is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

    The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

    Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

    They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

    Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

    Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

    “The Butcher Dance!” gasps Jon. “Please don’t tell me I’m too late!”

    The chief recognizes him and says “No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time.”

    Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment – preparing to capture the night’s ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s feathers and animal skins.

    Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

    A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures Jon and he whispers to the chief, “What’s he doing?”

    “Hush,” whispers the chief. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year.”

    The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

    Jon is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

    The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

    He says, “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about…”

  50. A blonde and a buisness man was sitting next to eachother on a plane. The buisness man said to the blonde
    “lets play a game. Everytime i ask you a question and you cannot answer, you have to pay me five pounds. Everytime you aske me a question and i cannot answer. I will have to give you fifty pounds” the blonde agreed. Confident he would win the buisness man asked the first question.
    “who is barrack obama” the blonde gave him five pounds. He asked another question.
    “what is the capital of india” she gave him five pounds again.
    “okay now your turn” he said to the blonde.
    “what goes up the hill with three legs and comes back down with four legs” she asked. The buisness man racked his brain, he looked it up on the internet and even called every person who was on his phonebook on his mobile and still did not find the answer. He eventually gave up and gave her fifty pounds.
    “What is the answer then” he asked, and she gave him five pounds.

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