The Funniest Jokes in the World

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A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Second Funniest Joke ever:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Funniest jokes in different countries:

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

The Funniest Joke in England and the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!


(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes in the World

 

 

1,059 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes in the World”

  1. I think they ARE funny – that could be because of many reasons:

    1). I’m 12,

    2). I’m ill and basically delirious,

    3). I have nothing better to do with my time.

    I like the NASA one!

    =P

  3. A man walks into a bar/ brothel, slams $5000 dollars on the counter and says to the mistress “I’d like your fattest, ugliest girl, and a baloney sandwich.” The mistress says, “But sir, with that kind of money you could buy the biggest steak and have the nicest girl here” The man replies “You idiot, I’m not hungry and horny, I’m homesick.”

  5. OMG the chilli pepper one was halar!!!!! i was almost crying i am soo using that for my project!! lmao :P

  7. Oh come on guys you can find some funnier jokes. And, phillipe it is
    Q: why was six afraid of seven?
    A: because seven eight nine

  8. all this is bunk!!!! do you call this jokes?????
    i have heard a 5 year old has told better jokes! these are disgusting and make me cry instead of laugh! you, want to hear real jokes??? well listen carefully
    1) what is the difference between an intelligent ,man and a ufo???
    ans: i have no clue i havent seen any.(no offence to boys)
    2)a boy comes late to school so the teacher asks him why. so the boy says”sorry mam but i saw a sign on my way saying’school ahead go slow!!!!!
    now those are jokes! and i have many more….so in future do me a favour and at least get an idea from a joke book before writing this junk. i mean what king of jokes are these????? i told my dog them and he also made a face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    so in the future write better jokes and dont give this website such a bad name!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Oh and annonymous those werent jokes, those made me blow chunks they were so bad. Man my friend who laughs at everything had a stroke!! Not cool.

  12. heres a joke for ya leave good comments

    a guy walks into a bar and sees a guy with a blue tie on, the guys with the tie says, ill bet you $300 i can jump out of the window, but you will have to come,the guy that just came in said no, the guy with the tie went out of the bar, later on a guy with a blue tie on his head comes and tells the guy can came into the bar before the same thing, again he said no,phew while later a guy comes with a tie in his mouth, and says bet you $50 i can jump out of the window and come back alive only if you do it with me, the guy says if this drunk can do it then so can i, so they both jump out of the window and the guy with the tie comes back, and the bartender says “wow superman you really act stupid when your drunk and not working huh?”

  14. oh oh i gotta joke…its kinda lame tho..i heard it on a show….
    Q:Whats the diference between roast beef and pea soup….
    A:You can always roast beef, but u can never pee soup!

    ajaja

    :’D

  15. HOW CAN YOU CLAIM THESE TO BE THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD I DONT THINK EVEN 1 OF THEM MADE ME BREAK A SMILE

  17. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they go into the woods, find, a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
    The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
    “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

  18. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best a his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
    The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
    “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

  19. Lol. Some jokes up there are good.

    Here’s an awesome one:

    Q: Whaddya do if a dumb blonde throws a grenade at you?
    A: Pull out the pin and throw it back.

  20. Noddy is on his way to see his best friend Big-Ears. He puts on his special blue shorts, red hat and red jacket to match his little red shoes – and leaves his house.

    He meets the Postman.

    He says excitedly: “Hi, Posties, I’m off to see my best friend Big-Ears.”

    He meets the Milkman.

    “Hi, Milko, I’m off to see my best friend Big-Ears.”

    He sees a delivery man.

    “Hi, Van Man, I’m off to see my best friend Big-Ears.”

    He sees his neighbour, riding a cycle.

    “Hi, Cyclies, I’m off to see my best friend Big-Ears.”

    He arrives at Big-Ears gate and cannot wait to surprise his friend.

    Noddy knocks on the door and Big-Ears opens it and says:

    “Not you again!

  21. heres a joke for ya

    a blonde walks into a tv store and ses may i have that tv please and she replys no we dont sell tvs to blondes so she gos out and dies her hair red.Then she walks b ack in to the tv store and ses may i buy that tv and she replies no we dont sell tvs to blondes so she walks out and dies her hair black.Then she walked back into the tv store and asked the lady may i buy that tv and she replies no we dont sell tvs to blondes and she replies how the hell do you know im a blonde because thats not a tv its a micowave

  24. wow. ok here’s a joke: There are two things in this world that i can be sure of: death and taxes. Only Taxes don’t go up everytime Congress meets.

    XD ya. i’m from the U.S. oh well.

  31. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    2! But I don’t know how they got in there!

  32. The flaming ducks joke DOESNT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE! It’s so corny.

    I LOVE the golf/funeral joke & the one about making sure the guy is dead lol

  33. these jokes are really cool. i loved them all!!!!
    heres one:
    knock knock.
    who’s there?
    interrupting cow.
    interrupting co-
    (person telling joke will interrupt audience by
    saying the noise that the animal makes.)
    example-interrupting cow=moo!!!!
    yeah yeah i know that it is corny and bad.
    comments welcome as long as they are pretty nice…..

  34. terrible joke, tho i don’t mean any offense. by the way to all of you that made those blode jokes, I AM A BLONDE!!!! so i’d like to give you a peice of my mind.

  35. good jokes, here’s on e from the States, but you have to be from the South to get it, (maybe)

    Mr ducks
    Mr not
    MR2
    CM EDBD webbed feet
    CM EDBD eyes
    LIB Mr ducks

  36. OMG someone of these were not really all that funny I mean somewere but they get old and the jokes on the comments were realy bad but I appriciate the effort in trying to make people laugh. So I’m not really complaining I did laugh a lot especially with the little ralphy one so to the people that r complaining lets see if u can make up better jokes.

  37. I really like the joke posted by vikingguy123, but you would really only think it is funny if you are a viking fan…
    G O M I N N E S O T A!

  40. A newlywed couple wants to join a church but the Pastor tells them that in order for them to become members they have to abstain from sex for 2 weeks. The two weeks crawl by, and they return to the pastor, heads bowed low in shame. “How’d you do?” asked the pastor. The hubby replied, “we did ok for the first few days but I couldn’t help my self, she dropped a can of soup on the floor and when she bent over to pick it up I just took her right there!” The pastor shakes his head and says, “well, I’m sorry, but you’re not welcome in this church!” The wife replies, “that’s OK, we’re not welcome in Wal-Mart anymore either!”

  41. damn cornholio nice jokes, even thoughts it’s far.. you know what I likes, it’s when I go on pages like this, that isn’t really popular, and I see that people have leave a comment like, 3 days ago. I have a joke:

    Two snowman’s are talking. One say to the other one:

    -Hey, don’t you smell carrots?

    lol I have another one, actually it’s a funny fact:

    Did you know that in China, they’re one billion. Wow, 1 000 000 000. That’s nine zeros. That mean that if a virus would affect one person out of a million, 1 000 persons would be affected..

    lol g2g bye

  42. I have another joke, popular in my family:

    Once, there was that grandma, let’s say her name was Flip-Flop, and her parrot, which his name will be.. Flop-Flip (if you tell this joke to someone, you can take out the names, I just invented them..). The grandma said to her Flop-Flip:

    -Hey, grandmommy is going out to a trip! Yes, to a trip

    -Flop-Flip: No, I don’t want, me don’t want you go trip!

    Flip-Flop: I don’t have a choice, but I’ll get you Flip-Flip, which you like! She’s a nice girl, right!

    Flop-Flip: No! Not Flip-Flip! She’s a bad girl! No Flip-Flip-Flip-Flip!!! Don’t go Flip-Flop!!

    Flip-Flop: Okay, gotta go! Anyway, Flip-Flip will come soon, maybe in 1 minute. Okay, love you, bye Flop-Flip!

    Flop-Flip: No! NO! NO!!!! DON’T GO OH HO OH HO!! DON’T GO DON’T GO!!

    Flip-Flop: Bye!

    Flip-Flop and Flip-Flip meet at the door. They talk, and bla-bla-bla, and Flip-Flip go in Flop-Flip’s room! But Flip-Flop didn’t close well Flop-Flip’s door..

    Flip-Flip: Oh my god, it’s hot, I’ll open the window!

    And sure enough, the parrot open her cage and go AWAY!! (following Flip-Flop).

    Flip-Flop take then plane, and guess with who she’s with in the plane? Flop-Flop, her boyfriend! So they sit, and talks, and bla-bla-bla. Flop-Flip Ket’chup, she was late, so the plane go high, High, HIGH, but the bird still is with her grandma, at the window. Flop-F1op saw Flop-Flip, so Flop-Flop tell Flip-Flop that Flop-Flip is at the window, but when Flip-Flop returns to see Flop-Flip. oh, sorry, I forgot. I posted it for just if anyone remember know that joke just tell me the rest..

    anyway..

    I have another joke!! (I remember it)

    The French, the Australian and the American make a contest. The French say:

    Frwenchwie: Je paris ce que vous voulez, mes amis, que je peux lancer cette brique loin, mais alors plus loin que le ciel!!

    Australian: Yeah, sure, you cood to-duh-lee doo it, my free-end!

    American: Lol, you have that accent australian, wow.. anyway, lol, nvm im roflmfao. anyways, we should make a contest, the one that throw the fartest brick!

    Frwenchwie: D’accord, partenaire!

    Austraslian: Okay, free-end!

    American: Okay I start, then the frwenchwie, and finally the australian.

    The american throw it so super hard, it went sure higher than a tree! Then, the french try! Une, deux, et trois!! He throw it higher than the american and higher than a piramid! Seriously, he’s really good at it! Then, the australian’s turn. Won, too, tree, go!! He throw high, super-duper high, so high that it hit something.. but what? I’m sure you know the answer.. it hit Flop-Flip!

    thx and bye

  45. there are some funny jokes but heres 1
    A blond walks into an applince store and says to the store cleark id like to buy that tv pleas the store cleark says sorry we dont do buissness wit blonds the blond stormes off and dies her hair black and comes back and asks to buy the tv the store cleark once again says sorry we dont do buissness wit blonds the blond says how did u no i was a blond ha reples thats not a tv its a micorwace]
    lol

  48. Why does everyone think blondes are stupid? I hate people who say those jokes, they are the lowest form of humor! Those jokes are funny but not many of the comments are. I have nothing more to say…

  50. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

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