The Best George Carlin Quotes, Jokes and Lines

 June 23, 2008.  NOTE: We put this post up last year- a collection of some of the best and most inspired quotes and jokes by George Carlin.  The term “comic genius” is thrown around a bit too much, but he definitely earned the title.   That we won’t have more brilliant thoughts coming from him is sad. That he has left such a rich and provoking and funny body of work- that is a gift. Thank you George Carlin.  You will be missed.

 

Here are some more of the best George Carlin Quotes, Jokes and Lines:

 

 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80’s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section? ” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all? ”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

 

 

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