Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Jokes and Funny Comedy One Liners

Mitch Hedberg Jokes: Here are  some funny quotes, jokes and one liners by stand up comedian Mitch Hedberg, who died of an apparent drug overdose ioin 2005 at the age of 37, at the height of his career as a stand up comic.  Thanks for the laughs, Mitch.
I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
 
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
 
Why are there no during pictures.
 
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave too.”
 
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
 
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
 
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
 
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips…
 
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
 
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible…
 
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, “It’s cool, he’s with me.”
 
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
 
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
 
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day…
 
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
 
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
 
My friend said to me, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
 
People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
 
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
 
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
 
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis… one of those two doesn’t sound right.
 
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, “Mitch,” and I say, “what” and turn my head slightly…
 
I wrote a letter to my dad – I wrote, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad – there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away…
 
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”
 
If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for… That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
 
Someone handed me a picture and said, “This is a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “…Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” Where’d you get that camera man?
 
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
 
It’s hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. “Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…”
 
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
 
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’ll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, “Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? …Do you have individually wrapped cashews?”
 
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it though. One day I’m gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
 
I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
 
My friend was walking down the street and he said, “I hear music.” As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
 
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under “D”.
 
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… It’s dirty.
 
I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

More Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Jokes and Stand Up Comedy Lines 
 
I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying…
 
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said “Certainly.” He said “Do I need to dial 9?” I say “Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”
 
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
 
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. “What time is it, Mitch?” “Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.” “Shit, I had to be somewhere…”
 
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
 
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
 
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
 
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it, I don’t need another step between me and toast.

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender….all you do is say what the shiit does, and add “er”. I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shiit fresh. Well that’s a fresher….I’m going on break.
I want to be a rebellious McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers… NOPE… we got spaghetti!
 
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord.
 
Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
 
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah.”
 
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
 
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

And More Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes and Jokes 
 
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
 
…and then at the end of the letter I like to write “P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
 
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill…
 
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly…
 
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
 
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
 
My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
 
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where’d you get that banana?
 
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I’ll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
 
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, “corn-on-the-cob”, but that’s how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It’s not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it “Mitch”, and then re-attached it, and call it “Mitch-all-together”.
 
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
 
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn’t come in real handy when your gambling. I’m gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.
 
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’ll say, “Just press two for a while, when I answer, you’ll know that you’ve pressed two enough.”
 
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
 
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, “Please try again.” because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. …Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me… “Come on Mitchell, don’t give up!” An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
 
I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.
 
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
 
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
 
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.” Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
 
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
 
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

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