The Funniest Jokes Ever Page 4

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According to several comedians, as compiled by GQ magazine the funniest jokes are:

Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen)

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $100 I owe you,” he says.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said “Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you.” He replied: “You lose.”

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest Jokes Ever

If you enjoy really stupid jokes, you may want to check out my nephew’s joke site, www.mystupidjokes.com.  Yes, most are astoundingly stupid, but some make you laugh anyway. :)

 

 

32 thoughts on “The Funniest Jokes Ever Page 4”

  4. A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim have a few drinks at a pub. They then decide to have a competition to prove whose religion is better.

    The Jew says “Whoever can throw this brick the furthest will forever be the best religion”

    So he picks up a brick and throws it 18 metres.

    The Christian laughs and easily throws the brick 21 metres.

    The muslim picks up the brick, and throws it.

    Neither of the three see it come down.

    A husband and wife are at each others throats with anger. The husband is angry at his wife because she spends more time with her pet duck then she spends with him.

    The wife is angry at her husband because he smokes cigars and she doesn’t like the smell.

    They decide to go on a 2nd honeymoon, and they promise not to take any ducks or cigars.

    On the plane, they are sitting on the seats when all of a sudden the husband hears something rattling in the luggage compartment overhead.

    He opens in, and out flys the duck. He grabs the duck, opens the door, and throws the duck out.

    He shouts at his wife “I told you not to bring the duck!”

    She shouts back “Well I bet $50 that you brough those damn cigars!”

    Her eyes widen with surprise and she looks out the window.

    There, flying next to the plane is the duck.

    What is in it’s mouth?

    The brick the muslim threw.

    (Not intending any discrimination to any religion here. If it makes you better, you can substitute any sterotype in place of the religions)

    (Also, sorry for the long read, but it’s the most epic joke I’ve ever heard)

    I posted this joke in another page, but this one looks more recent so it may get more attention here.

  7. u know i have read math probloms that are funnier then this and i dont ;like math. <<<(now what i just said is funnie(!!!))

  12. What do you call a man with a spade?Doug.Guy walks into a shop with a newt on his shoulder,shopkeeper says,Thats a nice newt,whays it called,guy replies Tiny,shopkeeper says why tiny,guy replies its my-newt!

  17. These aren’t the funniest jokes in the world.

    Q: Why did the emo cross the road?
    A: Because he was too cowardly to go down the street.

  18. WAAAATT??? watever happened to jokes?!?!?!can barely call these “jokes”!!!.okei okei….check thiese out…A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

    “Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

    “Toilette pepper!”replied the French…

    Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
    Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.
    Yo momma’s so short, she does back flips under the bed!
    hahahaha…:-*..

  22. Idont get the duck joke? Some of the other jokes are funny,like the two campers, but they stole that from Without a Paddle movie, and if their real name was on here the FBI could track em down and sew them for 250.000$. Luckily, the FBI isnt that sad.

  23. Ok.. these jokes suck. BLONDE JOKES r teh best.

    A huge mass of blondes walk into bar. They’re yelling “28 days! 28 days! We finished it in 28 days!” The bartender asks… why are you yelling “28 days?” They reply “we’re trying to prove blondes can be smart, so we went and did a puzzle. It said 2-3 years but we finished it in 28 days!”

  24. YA go blonde jokes

    heres one my friend told me…

    Why do blonde girls always have briuses around their bellybutton? because blonde guys arent that smart either!

  25. why did the chicken cross the road?
    because he was ment to go into a shop but he is cross-eyed so instead he crossed the road
    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha comment on this plz!

  27. haha that blonde joke was the only funny one…
    Q. why are taxi drivers such good hair dresses?
    A. becouse they know all the short cuts

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