Woody Allen has over 40 years of great quotes, jokes and one liners, so there can be no definitive list of the top 50 Woody Allen quotes. But this is a pretty good attempt at rounding up 50 of the best and funniest Woody Allen quotes, jokes and lines from his movies and books.Â
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
– Woody Allen
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
– Woody Allen
 On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
– Woody Allen
 Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
– Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
– Woody Allen
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held.
– Woody Allen
94.5% of all statistics are made up.
– Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
– Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen
 I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.
– Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
– Woody Allen
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
– Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
– Woody Allen
 It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him “be fruitful and multiply”. But not in those words.
– Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen
 If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.
– Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
– Woody Allen
 Why ruin a good story with the truth?
– Woody Allen
 I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.
– Woody Allen
 I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
– Woody Allen
 I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
– Woody Allen
 I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
– Woody Allen
 My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty..
– Woody Allen
 For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
– Woody Allen
 My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.
– Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
– Woody Allen
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
– Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
– Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
– Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
– Woody Allen
 The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
– Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
– Woody Allen
 I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
– Woody Allen
 I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
– Woody Allen
I was depressed…I was suicidal; as a matter of fact, I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
– Woody Allen
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
– Woody Allen
 I’m not the heroic type. I was beaten up by quakers.
– Woody Allen
 In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
– Woody Allen
 In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
– Woody Allen
 Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
– Woody Allen
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
– Woody Allen
 I’m not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
– Woody Allen
 Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing. Between 5, it’s fantastic.
– Woody Allen
 I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
– Woody Allen
 It’s worse than dog eats dog. It’s dog doesn’t return dog’s phone calls.
– Woody Allen
 Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
– Woody Allen
 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen
 More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
– Woody Allen
 Oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. That’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
– Woody Allen
 My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.
– Woody Allen
 Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
– Woody Allen
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
– Woody Allen
 Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
– Woody Allen
 On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
– Woody Allen
 The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you’re dead it’s hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
– Woody Allen