Some of the Best And Funniest Jokes ever, including Jokes Voted as the Best, Funniest Jokes in the World.This section has some great jokes, including jokes selected by comedians as the funniest jokes ever, and jokes voted on by thousands of people in several different countries as the funniest jokes ever (this was for a scientific research project).
Here are a few jokes from the section:
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright).
The Funniest Joke in the world, according to a large research project:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
The Preacher’s Visit
Sarah hadn’t been to church lately, so her minister thought he’d go pay her a visit and see how the 85 year old church matriarch was doing. He knocked on her door and after a time he heard her spirited voice holler
“Hello, who is it?”
“It’s Reverend Dave”, he answered.
“OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how’s the church doing?” She said.
“Great! The Smith’s had their little baby girl, and Mary and Tom got married- Everything is wonderful. But I just wanted to see how you are doing. We’ve missed you.”
“Well, I haven’t been feeling too well lately. I had quite the root canal last week- they are trying to save the few survivors.”
Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The minister sat near a table with an old reader’s digest and a bowl of peanuts. After a few minutes passed,he started flipping through the magazine. After anotehr ten minutes or so, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless,so he started in on the bowl of peanut while he read. After a while,he suddenly realized that he had eaten the whole bowl of peanuts.
Just then Sarah returned and said, “Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything.” The minister, feeling a little embarrassed, said “I must also apologize. While you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there.
Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh that’s ok. Since the root canal, the best I can do is suck all the chocolate off of ’em!”
wow the jokes on this page are awsome
WHAT DID THE APPLE SAY TO THE BANANA?…
NOTHING, APPLES CANT TALK
I love these jokes…keep Rocking!
haaa i like thes jokes very funniii :) ,. but i reallii get amused at basically anythinkk butt yerr still laughing nw :) x
the suposidly worlds funniest joke is not really that funny at all come up with a better one that will get better responses
funny funny
i love these jokes . expecially the one about the peanuts yuck he ate the slobby of the old lady. Im trying to invent m own joke bot theres always one just like mine or that i acnt make one thats not there
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi
recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a cove
well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to catch
those fish?’ ‘Naw, sir’, replied the redneck. ‘I ain’t got none of them
there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.’
‘Pet fish?’
‘Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and
let ’em swim ’round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take ’em home.’
‘That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.’
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said,
‘It’s the truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.’
‘O.K.’, said the warden. ‘I’ve got to see this!’
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, ‘Well?’
‘Well, what?,’ says the redneck.
The warden says, ‘When are you going to call them back?’
‘Call who back?’
‘The FISH,’ replied the warden!
‘What fish?,’ replied the redneck. …………
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.