Funny Sayings

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Funny sayings:Sstupid and witty quotes  and Funny Sayings from bumper stickers, T-shirts, graffiti etc.

Funny Sayings:
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.


Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!


If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.


I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.


I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.


WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.


This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.


I have the body of a god… Buddha!

Funny Sayings Part 2


I get enough exercise pushing my luck.


Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy


If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.


Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep


Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.


Born free… taxed to death.


The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.


Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Funny Sayings Part 3


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.


You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.


I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.


So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!


Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.


If, a two letter word for futility


I don’t care, I don’t have to.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.


I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.


Horn broken, watch for finger.


All men are idiots … I married their king.


The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.


My kid had sex with your honor student.


Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.


Give pizza chants.


Page Topic: Funny Sayings: a collection of some of the best funny sayings and quotes.

 

 

214 thoughts on “Funny Sayings”

  1. Some people are like slinkies… They’re really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face what you push them down a flight of srairs

  6. me and you is friends…
    you smile…i smile…
    you laugh…i laigh…
    you cry…..i cry…
    you jump off a bridge….im gunna miss you

    IM AN ANGEL I SWARE!!! THE HORNS ARE JUST THERE TO KEEP THE HALO UP!!!

  7. I’m not crazy, just ask my camel; Steven!

    Squirrels, nature’s little speed bumps.

    Aerodynamically speaking, the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn’t know so he goes on flying anyway.

    Due to recent cutbacks, and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

    Halloween; the tradition where your parents tell you to take candy from strangers.. hmm.

    Don’t accept a stranger’s candy unless they offer you a ride.

    665, not quite the devil.

    Everyone has a prince, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

    When life gives you lemons say: “Cool, got any more? =)”

    Muffins are just ugly cupcakes, but we love em’ anyway.

    If you can’t marvel the world with your radiance then baffle them with your bullsh*t.

    42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

    Don’t knock on death’s door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that.

    Nuu wai. Ya wai. Orly? Yarly.

  9. im the farmers daughter your mama warned u about.
    ride neked!! put some color in your cheeks!!
    u remind me of my NEXT boyfriend!
    a cowboy and his truck, what a beautiful thang!!
    if farming were a sport you’d b lookin at an athlete!

  13. i dont have a drinking problem! i drink, i get drunk, i fall down. No problem!

    Rehab is 4 quitters!

    Anything that is too stupid is to be spoken is sung.

    Solution to 2 of the world’s problem. Feed the Homeless to the hungry.

    it may look like im doing nothing but im actively waiting for my problems to go away.

    Just be yourself everyone else is taken.

    I have PMS and a handgun.Any questions?

  14. It’s the difficult horses, that have the most to give you.

    nuthin like cowboy butts n’ Chevy Trucks.

    a Girl and her horse. oh but there is so much more to it than that.

    if stupidity was Vodka, my school would be WASTED!!

    every horse deserves at least once in it’s life, to be loved by a little girl.

    Horses. we share our lives with them. W braid our tears into their manes and whisper our hopes into their ears.

    Guns don’t kill people, Dad’s with purdy Daughters do…

    “my face hurts.” “it’s killin me!!”

  16. It’s not easy being me. But it’s funny watching other people try!

    Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
    It’s just that yours is stupid.

    You laugh because I’m different…
    I laugh cause I just farted!

    All you have to do in life is go out with your friends, party, have fun, and look twice as good as the bitch standing next to you!

  26. I read ALL of these. Many thanks to all the contributors. Thanks to you I found some clever, short quips to put on my marquee which is exactly what I was looking for. Keep the witticisms coming.

  32. when you get pulled over by the police for a DUI and the officer says “sir your eyes look red have you been drinkin lately” don’t say “officer your eyes looked glazed have you been eating donuts lately?”

  33. a good friend would come bail you out of jail a great friend would be sittin in the jail cell with you saying that way fun

  34. When you are sad,
    I will jump on the person
    who made you sad
    like a spider monkey
    jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

  35. When you are blue,
    I will try to dislodge
    whatever is choking you.

    When you smile,
    I will know you are
    plotting something
    that I must be involved in.

    When you’re scared,
    we will high tail it out of here.

    When you are worried,
    I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
    it could be until you
    quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

    When you are confused,
    I will use little words.

    When you are sick,
    Stay away from me
    until you are well again.
    I don’t want whatever you have.

    When you fall,
    I’ll pick you up
    and dust you off–
    After I laugh my rear off!!

  41. I Just Wanna Thank Everyone For All These Funny Words, I Read Some Every Morning To Start My Day Off In A Great Mood.

  44. 1.BREAKING NEWS: There’s no news today.
    2.TO THE GUYS:
    If life give you LEMONS, just rearrange the letters and you have MELONS so you wouldn’t be tempted to touch any girl’s melons.

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