Funny Lines and Responses from the Original Hollywood Squares Game Show with Host Peter Marshall

The original “Hollywood Squares” (Whoopi Goldberg created a new version in the last few years) was a popular game show in the Seventies. In the original, Peter Marshall, the host, would ask a question, one of the guest celebrities would answer, and the contestant would say “agree” or “disagree”. Some of the regular guests were really funny, although their names are quickly fading from pop culture awareness. Here are some of the funniest answers from the show—some of Peter Marshall’s all time favorites:

Funniest Hollywood Squares Answers

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He’s out of town.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie “What’s The Matter With Helen?” Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver; that’s why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: What are “dual-purpose cattle” good for that other cattle aren’t?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies – but I don’t recommend the cookies.

Peter Marshall: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
Paul Lynde: A masked baby.

Peter Marshall: True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

Peter Marshall: You’re on your first visit to Japan and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
Paul Lynde: It was a long plane ride.

Peter Marshall: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos.

Peter Marshall: According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
Paul Lynde: No. You should dress warmly.

Peter Marshall: According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
Paul Lynde: Where can I get some?

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object that he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn.

Peter Marshall: Do we get heat from stars?
Paul Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again.

Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won’t go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don’t know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “Can’t Get Enough”?
George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more “growing older” question Peter and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I’d probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily?

Peter Marshall: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband’s clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Sometimes it sure seems that way…

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the campfire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: True or false: George, experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of ’em.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting, “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshal: Why do sheep sleep huddled together?
Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue’s a wierdo!

 

 

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