CAUSE AND EFFECT
“What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness.”
“Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one.”
* * *
“He’s a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?”
“That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music.”
* * *
SYMPATHY
Freddie (aged six): “Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?”
His Mother: “Yes, dear! What of it?”
Freddie: “It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin’ in the drawer ‘ithout a cent in its stummick.”
* * *
SLIGHTED
“I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again.”
“Misunderstanding, indeed! If you had any feeling you’d call it a quarrel.”
* * *
GOING FURTHER
Flora: “I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I’d get even with her.”
Dora: “Getting even with her won’t satisfy me. I’m going to get uneven with her.”
* * *
GETTING ON
Old Gentleman: “Well, children! and what are you learning at school?”
Small Boy: “Oh, she’s learning to make paper dolls and I’m learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones.”
* * *
LITERALLY
He: “I understand that she fairly threw herself at him.”
She: “Yes! They met in an automobile collision.”
* * *
AN EXTENSIVE LOVE
She: “They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on.”
He: “That’s saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is.”
* * *
CAUSE AND EFFECT
“The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill.”
“Sour grapes always did have that effect.”
[Pg 277]
* * *
NO DISSENSION
Mrs. Storme: “How is your Debating Society getting along?”
Mrs. Karn: “Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully.”
* * *
“Why are they not speaking?”
“They quarreled about which loved the other the more.”
“Well!”
“And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other.”
* * *
IN KEEPING
“I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper.”
“And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month’s warning.”
* * *
HE KNEW
She: “I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby.”
He: “Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as she likes.”
* * *
ARRANGED TO FIT
Elsie: “Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I’d change every-fing into cake, an’ eat it all up.”
Mother: “I’m afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick.”
Elsie: “Oh! but I’d change myself into a Nelephant first.”
* * *
PROBABLY
“I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?”
“Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything.”
* * *
SURE SIGNS
“Afraid you’re going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?”
“Twins.”
* * *
SUCH A WASTE
Mrs. Bizzy: “I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?”
Casey: “Faith, Ma’am! That’s what Oi do be afther complainin’ av. ‘Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an’ she niver hit me wanst.”
* * *
TOO ONE-SIDED
“What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget.”
“That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting.”
* * *
DISCRETION
Miss Bizzy: “I am glad to hear that you are married, O’Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don’t have many differences of opinion.”
O’Brien: “Faith, ma’am, we have a good many, but Oi don’t let her know about them.”
* * *
BETTER UNSAID
Cholly Lyttlebrayne: “Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars.”
Miss Thotless: “Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!”
* * *
LETTING HIM KNOW
Flora: “I’m writing to tell Jack that I didn’t mean what I said in my last letter.”
Dora: “What did you say in your last letter?”
Flora: “That I didn’t mean what I said in the one before.”
* * *
WHY, INDEED
The Husband: “Why is it that women always say, ‘I’ll be ready in two seconds’?”
The Wife: “Humph! and why is it that men always say, ‘Oh! I’m ready now‘?”
* * *
Madge: “Have you given Jack your final answer yet?”
Mabel: “Not yet-but I have given him my final ‘No.'”
* * *
ONLY THEIR WAY
First Lady (effusively): “I am more than charmed to see you, my dear Mrs.-er-um-.”
Second Lady (more effusively): “How lovely of you! So am I delighted. I do hope we’ll meet again very, very soon, my dearest Mrs.-um-er-.”
* * *
INADVERTENT
Prospective Bride: “I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress-a wedding dress costs such a lot.”
Dressmaker: “Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion.”
* * *
MAKING SURE
“Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents.”
“I thought he had dozens of your photos.”
“Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check.”
* * *
MORE DESPERATE STILL
She: “Oh! there’s no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage.”
He: “But I’ve known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements.”
* * *
SYMPATHY
The Tabby-Cat: “I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!”
The Parrot: “Wasn’t it too bad of them-to go and break the set?”
* * *
POPULAR OPINION
First Burglar: “Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin’ dat second-story job didn’t do a t’ing but soak me fifty plunks!”
Second Burglar: “Oh, say, wasn’t that robbery?”
* * *
MORE OPPORTUNITY
The Wife: “Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are.”
The Husband: “But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with.”
* * *
“Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty.”
“Not ‘frightfully,’ mummy. A lot of that’s shading.”
* * *
The Ant: “Well, we’ve struck!”
The Gnat: “What for?”
The Ant: “Longer hours.”
* * *
Effie: “George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We’ve been playing Husband and Wife!”
Mr. Mitcham: “How did you do that, my dear?”
Effie: “Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, ‘This food isn’t fit to eat!’ and I said, ‘It’s all you’ll get!’ and Georgy said, ‘Damn!’ and I got up and left the room!”
* * *
NOT WHAT SHE MEANT
She: “I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?”
He: “Oh, they seem to be quite reconciled.”
* * *
He: “By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful ass of myself?”
She: “Which?”
* * *
Jones (who is of an inquiring mind): “Ain’t you getting tired of hearing people say, ‘That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!’?”
Miss Belsize (a professional beauty): “Oh, no. I’m getting tired of hearing people say, ‘Is that the beautiful Miss Belsize?'”
* * *
Mrs. Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago): “And now let us talk of something else!”
* * *
Mamma: “It’s very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?”
Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appetite): “Oh, yes, Mamma-several people!”
* * *
Guest: “Well, good-bye, Old Man!-and you’ve really got a very nice little place here!”
Host: “Yes; but it’s rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have grown a good bit before you’re back, Old Man!”
* * *
She: “No! I can’t give you another dance. But I’ll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!”
He: “But I don’t want to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. I want to dance with you!”
* * *
“I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One word more and I-I withdraw my overdraft.”
* * *
Wife (at upper window): “Where you bin this hour of the night?”
“I’ve bin at me union, considerin’ this ‘ere strike.”
“Well-you can stay down there an’ consider this ‘ere lock-out.”
* * *
Motor-Launch Officer (who has rung for full-speed without result): “What’s the matter?”
Voice-from below: “One of the cylinders is missing, Sir.”
Commander: “Well, look sharp and find the bally thing-we want to get on.”
* * *
Mother: “Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?”
Daughter: “Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He’s looking after him just now.”
* * *
JUSTIFICATION
Wife: “Two bottles of ginger ale, dear?”
He: “Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?”
* * *
First Flapper: “The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn’t paid any fare.”
Second Flapper: “And what did you do?”
First Flapper: “I just glared back at him-as if I had!”
* * *
Mollie (who has been naughty and condemned to “no toast”): “Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I’d rather have a hard smack-anywhere you like.”
Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog): “And if you find you can’t cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?-and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient.”
* * *
Governess: “Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?”
Mollie: “Sugar and spice and all that’s nice.”
Governess: “And what are little boys made of?”
Mollie: “Snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could hardly believe it.”
* * *
“I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?”
“Of course. Why ask?”
“Well, I couldn’t find the beastly thing.”
* * *
Irate Parent: “While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you-”
The Suitor: “Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that.”
* * *
Wife: “My dear, we’ve simply got to change our family doctor. He’s so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, ‘Halloa! Who is it speaking?'”
* * *
Mrs. Goodheart: “I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?”
Mr. Hardup: “I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning.”
* * *
“What’s the matter, little boy?” said the kindhearted man. “Are you lost?”
“No,” was the manful answer; “I ain’t lost; I’m here. But I’d like to know where father and mother have wandered to.”
* * *
Helen’s elder sister: “You know, all the stars are worlds like ours.”
Helen: “Well, I shouldn’t like to live on one-it would be so horrid when it twinkled.”
* * *
“Can I ‘ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?”
“You’ll be back in the morning, I suppose?”
“Yus-if she don’t get it.”
* * *
Child: “Mother, I have been good to-day-so patient with Nurse.”
* * *
The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.
“Above all things,” he said, “if your clothing catches fire, remain cool.”
* * *
* * *
Podger (to new acquaintance): “I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?”
Cooler: “I can easily find out by asking her-she is my wife.”
* * *
Young Husband: “It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake.”
The Bride (smiling triumphantly): “That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it’s perfectly delicious.”
* * *
Wife (referring to guest): “He’s a most attractive man; is he married?”
Husband: “I dunno. He’s a reserved chap-keeps all his troubles to himself!”
* * *
Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
“If you were to say to me, ‘You was here yesterday,’ would that be right?”
“No, sir,” was the reply.
“And why not?”
“Please, sir, because you wasn’t.”
* * *
Salesman: “Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is fool-proof.”
Sweet Thing (placidly): “No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don’t know my husband.”
* * *
The Stage Manager: “Now then, we’re all ready, run up the curtain.”
The New Hand: “Wot yer talkin’ about-‘run up the curtain’-think I’m a bloomin’ squirrel?”
* * *
Old Gentleman (to new gardener): “Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?”
The Gardener: “‘Cause I ‘ates the sight of the blooming thing.”
* * *
“My dear, you’re not going to the links to-day?”
“Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round.”
“But it’s pouring! Why, I wouldn’t send a dog out to golf in such weather.”
* * *
Lady (who has purchased a ready-made dress): “Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up.”
Cook (acting as lady’s-maid): “Yes’m, they do. That’s why I wouldn’t have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day.”