These are actual expressions, primarily from the Southern United States. Many of these colloquialisms are fading away, as they aren’t often continued by younger generations. But many of us have fond memories of hearing many of these funny sayings and expressions back when we were knee high to a bull frog. My grandmother used many of these old expressions even back when I was over the hill picking watermelons (before I was born).
I got a good laugh out of some of these. I hope you do to. Feel free to send in any favorites I missed.
Well that just dills my pickle!
That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.
If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!
Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
That was faster than green grass through a goose.
She could make a preacher cuss!
Hell, she could even depress the devil.
You could start an argument in an empty house.
That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.
You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?
Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Each one of his sermons is better than the next!
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!
She needs some fries to go with that shake.
That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.
They’re off like a herd of turtles.
She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.
Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).
He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!
Well, slap my head and call me silly!
Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!
Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!
He’s not particularly intelligent:
The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.
If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose
He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
He’s a little strange…
That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.
I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.
I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!
He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.
He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.
It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!
It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!
It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!
He’s not particularly handsome….
He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west
He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.
He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”
She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!
If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
“Living in sin”:
I heard they ate supper before they said grace!
Page Topic: Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms
Born and raised in Georgia and have heard many a funny saying.
You look like a jackass eatin briars.
It’s hotter than a whore on dollar day.
Starvin like Marvin.
My stomach thinks my throat’s been cut.
Slow as molasses in the winter.
He/ she would gag a maggot on a gut truck.
Response to where ya goin? Up a hogs ass to get a ham sandwich.
The dog who barks is the dog who bites.
Your nose is growing Pinochio. (when someone tells you a lie)
Liar liar pants on fire.
Slick as owl shit.
I was born at night but it wasn’t last night.
You’re so ugly you’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
I’m so broke I’d have to fart to have a cent.
Lawyers are so crooked when they die we will have to screw them in the ground
Guess I ran outta steam for now.
Another horse been in his barn (Means that that his spouse is cheating)
Boy ‘s a rock star without a guitar (some one that smokes crack)
That sure is a peach. (a good idea)
He lives so far out they have to pump sunshine in.
He gets tuesday’s paper on friday (a person lives way out in the country)
Its right over there a piece. (It will probably take you ten minutes to get there.)
Its up the road a piece (If it takes less than thirty or forty minutes to get there you’re lucky.)
Sounds like the angels are having a tournament. (A lot of thunder)
The angels must be bowling. (Just a little bit of thunder)
Sharper than a straight razor (a man in a particularly fancy suit)
That’s your tail I sit on mine. (I think you’re lying)
If it was a snake it would’ve bit ya. (You missed something obvious)
He’s ’bout as confused as a fart in a fan factory.
Drunker than Hogan’s goat.
You could worry the horns off a billy goat.
You’ld make a preacher want to cuss.
Her @$$ would make you a Sunday face. (Stop talking about her looks you’re no prize)
Ugly as home made sin on a Sunday.
You goin’ to get molly whopped. (You’re gong to get hit real hard)
We’re going to see aunt Betty Lou Carden. (Going to the ABC store to buy liqour)
Eatin’ brains don’t make you a scientist (You’re still just a dumb country boy no matter how smart you think you are.)
Been half way through hell in gasoline pants. (had a hard day)
He’s still kickin dirt and draggin’ @$$. (A person that still partys a lot evn though they are too old.)
Still got milk on his breath (a person is young or inexperienced)
It is hotter than the hinges of hades.
He’s going to blow the gates of hell wide open when he goes. (A particularly wild or mean person)
Too mean for Jesus, too dumb for the Devil
He wouldn’t know his name if it won’t written in his shorts.
Who died and left the gate open (traffic is really bad)
Im bout to bust a gut! (full from eating)
Beans and taters stick to ur ribs!
If you can’t take the heat, get out the kitchen!
from Oklahoma Hotter than a fourball tomcat
craizer than a stomped ant
from Tennesee smother than a sun possums belly
I dont know what a sum possum is, but it sounds cool
Howbout when asked a dumb question:
Does a one legged duck swim in a circle?
Does a fat baby fart?
Some more:
It’s about as easy as herding cats.
Harder’n baptizing a cat.
Better than a sharp stick in the eye.
More nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs.
Lord she is homely…she’d make a train take a dirt road!
Q:What’s that?
A:cat fur to make kitten britches.
I had a friend that would say: I’ll give you a dollars worth of nickel knots.
That’s all I got so break out your blue crayons and color me gone.
He could worry the balls off a brass monkey.
It’s hotter than a black leather seat on a hot summer day.
his truck runs like a stiped ass ape
When describing something difficult: It’s like trying to put a wet noodle up a wildcats ass.
When you’ve worked really hard for someone: Wow He worked me like a borrowed horse.
Describing people who spout off at the mouth: Don’t let your mouth write any checks that your ass can’t cash. Also, Don’t have a battleship mouth and a rowboat ass.
We have a million of these sayings in Kentucky…here are a couple of my favorites:
Hotter than a whore in a pecker patch
Hotter than a queer eating a corndog
prettier than socks on a rooster
Sadder than a one-car funeral!
That would bring tears to a glass eye!
Hotter than a bitch wolf with pups
If I had money like yours I’d burn mine!
Your just piss in up a rope.
That politicians crooked as a dogs hind leg
Hush up afore I slap the taste out your mouth
here is some i got from my aunt from tennessee.
It’s colder, then a two day old biscuit.
you’re as handy as socks on a roster.
I’m more nervous then a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory!
My dad uses this one a lot when someone or something is loud or noisy.
“That sounds like a dying calf in a hailstorm!”
I didn’t realize that these are more than just sayings in the South, they are part of everyday language. LOL Anyway, here are here more:
I could shit through a screen door-when you have diarhea
She is two ax handles across the ass (big ol’ girl)
He is confused as a baby raccoon!
That is harder than Chinese arithmatic!
Harder than a whore’s heart!
Noisier than two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
He’s as nervous as an old boy with his pecker in a goat’s ass.
He’s as nervous as a cat shitting razor blades!
It’s hotter than a West Texas highway out here!
You’re uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
When you don’t close the door behind you during the summer with the air conditioner going: “quit letting out the bought air”
When you’re just browsing or looking at a store: “we’re just nosing through the trough”
You think you’re nickel slick, but I got your penny change!
That boy don’t know his ass from his elbow.
I heard this one yesterday and I have been told that it’s a secret way of saying I need a drink:
My foot is itching for number one in the sun (and her son).
I remember whenever I was little, my Ma Maw would always say, “See ya later, alligator!” I still say that today, and my Dad does too. Another:
‘There ain’t nothin wrong in my head!
‘If life gives ya some lemons, plant em. What? Better than making lemonade then starvin!’
‘Happier than a tornado in a trailer park!’
‘Do I care?’
‘I reckon.’
i dont pay him no nevermind
I can’t think of any sayings that haven’t been duplicated at least a hundred times on this site, but I sure found some new ones to use! I wrote some down so I could remember them, because I have a photographic memory, but I’m out of film.
Reflecting on an un-hospitable social situation:
They made me feel about as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool.
To someone with bad breath:
You could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.
“can’t hang yourself if you ain’t got enough rope” it’s hard to take advantage of the things you have when you got just enough to get by
Colder than a brass toilet seat in the Yukon.
i live so far back in the sticks that monday night football dont come on till thursday.
make like a horse tured and hit the trail
He’s mean as a striped snake.
Well just cut my legs off and call me shorty. (something unbelievable)
(A confused person) Like a duck looking for thunder.
She’s so buck toothed, she could rake the seeds out of a watermelon and not get her lips wet.
If a person is ugly-“They could make a freight train take a dirt road.”
“He didn’t know me from Adam.”
“He’s so tight, you could stick coal in his butt and have a diamond in two weeks.”
“Bless their heart.”
“You’re nervin me.”
If the answer is obviously yes, but the person wants to be sarcastic “Does a chicken got lips?”
“Home again, home again, jiggity jig. A kiss and a peck and a hug around your neck.”
Someone’s tickling you, they tell you to yell “Calf rope” or they ask “You steal sugar?”
Someone says something to make the other mad, they’ll say “You don’t want to ride this train.”
“Say when.”
“You fibbin?”-You lying?
If someones pants are pulled up high-“Here comes old high pockets.”
About to eat supper-“Puttin on the feedbag”
“Hotter than two people fornicatin in a portapotty.”
Someone’s tired-“They’ve been rode hard and hung up wet.”
Someone is unexpectedly mad-“You’d have thought I kicked his dog.”
“Back in the hollow.”-Pronounced holler.
“Fightin like two hogs in a den.”
“She’s so ugly she’d make a train back up a dirt road”
“Dumb as a brick”
“His bread’s not quite done”
“Nervous as a whore in church”
“You need to sh#t or git off the pot”( Commonly used when waiting in traffic)
“They’re mean as a snake”
“Grinning like a sh#t eating dog”
“Purtier than a peach”
“Ain’t you a sight for sore eyes”
“Get it while the gettin is good”
“Queer as a 3 dollar bill”
“Good as grits”
“Use your head for something besides a hat rack”
“I’m sick as a dog”
“Stop beating a dead horse” (Repeating things over and over)
“Why don’t you pipe down” (Be quiet)
“Does a bear sh#t in the woods?”
“That boy doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground”
“Crazier than a hoot owl”
After an interesting bathroom visit or fart
“you didn’t eat that, that crawled up in you and died”
“you were so ugly, when you were born the doctor slapped your momma”
“you’re full of sh#t as a Christmas turkey”
“you ain’t got the sense God gave a mule”
“you could fall in a bucket of sh#t and come out smelling like a rose”
“you’re luckier than a dog with two peckers”
My grandmother was telling me about one of her friends and I said how long did you ya’ll know each other and she said “Oh lord! I’ve known her since I was knee high to a grass hopper”. I thought it was the funniest thing ever! Haha!
as happy as a pig in poop
You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar!
You ought to buy two of them, one to crap on and one to cover it up with.
My dad used to say, “If a frog had pockets, he’d carry a pistol to shoot snakes.” This was usually used for instances when someone was worrying too much.
As useless as a blind man’s driver’s license…
As careless as a typhoon…
Texas tornadoes and Arkansas divorces always cause someone to lose a trailer house.
Dang, that’s more obvious than a cow peeing on a flat rock!
That makes less than no sense.
You look more scared than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs!
He’s slower than molasses running up the hill backwards.
She could talk a dog down off a meat wagon.
She’s so big, it takes two men and a boy just to look at her!
Southern Redneck’s Famous Last Words:
“Hey, y’all! Watch’is (this)!”
Dumb as a bag o’ doorknobs
Looks like he went to a knife fight but forgot to bring his knife.
Uglier than homemade sin.
Fell asleep under the ugly tree…and killed it!
My dad was born and raised in Mississippi.
It’s root hog or die (In response to “How are you?” if he’s flat broke)
That dawg don’t hunt (He doesn’t buy your argument, or doesn’t believe you)
Colder ‘n a witch’s tit.