These are actual expressions, primarily from the Southern United States. Many of these colloquialisms are fading away, as they aren’t often continued by younger generations. But many of us have fond memories of hearing many of these funny sayings and expressions back when we were knee high to a bull frog. My grandmother used many of these old expressions even back when I was over the hill picking watermelons (before I was born).
I got a good laugh out of some of these. I hope you do to. Feel free to send in any favorites I missed.
Well that just dills my pickle!
That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.
If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!
Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
That was faster than green grass through a goose.
She could make a preacher cuss!
Hell, she could even depress the devil.
You could start an argument in an empty house.
That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.
You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?
Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Each one of his sermons is better than the next!
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!
She needs some fries to go with that shake.
That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.
They’re off like a herd of turtles.
She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.
Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).
He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!
Well, slap my head and call me silly!
Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!
Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!
He’s not particularly intelligent:
The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.
If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose
He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
He’s a little strange…
That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.
I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.
I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!
He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.
He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.
It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!
It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!
It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!
He’s not particularly handsome….
He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west
He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.
He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”
She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!
If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
“Living in sin”:
I heard they ate supper before they said grace!
Page Topic: Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms
It’s like eating a pumpkin on Sunday and watching the crows fly.
brighter than a bees bum
The puppy who barks the loudest gets the mints.
Too many old people spoil the view
I’m as lucky as a gardener in the weeds.
She is so smart, even her teachers play chess with her.
Dumb as rocks.
She’s hotter than the sun, but not as bright.
I’m from West Tennessee
“Well, that just frosts my ankles!”
“Aww bear’s ankle!”
“dad-burn” it or that “dad-burned” “dad-gum it” or “dad-gum” “cotton-pickin'” (all used as adjectives something that is frustrates you)
I “reckon” instead of I guess
I’m “fixin” to do something
I’m sweatin like a whore in church
How’s yur momma an’ ’em?
I’m in hog heaven!
I could just ring his neck!
He’s runnin’ around like a chicken with it’s head cut off
(both refer to how they used to kill chickens)
You’re grinnin’ like a possom
I got way-laid(knocked over)
they’ll have a hay day with that(fun)
mean as a goose/wild goose chase
and we pronounce the word “aunt” the same as “ain’t”
just because there is a rat in the barn does’nt mean you need to burn it down.
It tastes so bad ya gotta lick the cat’s A$$ to get the taste outta yer mouth
Ugly as a box of frogs
From friends in North Carolina and South Carolina:
That’s worth about as much as a fart in a bucket.
She’s/He’s totin’ the high leg (think this means acting up or being spastic or struttin’ her/his stuff) not sure
I feel like a billy goat ate me and shit me off a cliff…(hungover)
Well that ought to go over like a turd in the punch bowl.
It’s hotter than hell toasted bacon outside.
Don’t let your alligator mouth overload your tadpole a**.
She’s (or he) got teeth like a rake.
She (or he) has to sneak up on water fountain to get a drink.
Well sh@# fire and save the matches!
Shut up and git in the truck!
I’ll slap you and not even tell you why!
We say “cut the light on/off” not “turn”
We “mash” the gas (gas pedal in the car) and we also mash the buttons in the elevator. not press
kick a** and take names
it’s pronounced dawg not dog
who licked the red off your candy cane?
I had to park out in the back south 40
he lives out in east bumble f&@k
You can just get glad in the same pants you got mad in.
His/her family tree don’t fork.
not alot of genes in that pool.
when you are in trouble your momma calls you by all of your names (first middle last…)
I’ll whup you like a yard dawg
A little piece of advice: If you are in trouble and told to go out and cut your own switch…don’t come back with a little one…that aint going to work for ya
he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
I already know I’m going to hell, I’m just paving the road.
what is your major malfunction?!
have you lost all of your mind?!
have you taken leave of your senses?!
That’ll do it.
“I could eat the a$% out of a porcupine”
(really hungry)
“its so quiet, you could hear a coon piss on a piece of cotton.”
I’m so mad I could chew up nails and spit out a barbed wire fence.
Even a blind squirrel gets an acorn once in awhile
Even a blind hog gets an ear of corn once in a while.
I need one for “It adds up faster than??????
Being from Tn., I have heard most of these but enjoyed reading them all. Thanks for some good laughs.
that could puke a buzzard off a gut wagon
‘cut a chuggy’ IT MEANS LIKE GET OUT OF HERE MY MOM SAYS IT TO ME TO TELL ME TO LEAVE THE ROOM
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
I’m from Arkansas. So how about:
Why that couldn’t pull a buttered string out of a cat’s a*s.
Faster than a cat can lick its a*s.
All over that like white on rice.
Pickin’ the fly sh*t out of the pepper.
So hungry you can eat a stink bug off a dead skunk.
He goes to church on Sunday, steals chickens on Monday.
Time to cowboy up, ya’ll. (time to get brave even tho your scared.)
Busier than bees in a field full o’ flowers.
She’s as cute as a speckled puppy dog’s tail end.
You guys are awesome i love all of these!
-Smilin’ like a donkey chewin’ on briars
-Can’t tell the difference between the rat s**t an’ raisins
-Jeetyet? (did ya eat yet)
Sweatier than a whore in church
I want that mouth shut tighter than a ticks ass!
Sounds worse than a stray cat in a fan belt.
I am going to slap you naked and hide your drawers.
Slicker than greased owl sh*t.
Well I will be dipped in sh*t and rolled in cornflakes.
aint go no pot to piss in or a window to throw it out
I’d rather eat s#*t with a toothpick
I’m fixin to run over to the bank. (Drive there)
That goes over like a turd in a puch bowl.
Yankee’s think “that” and “here” are one sylable words.
A yankee visits the south, but a damn yankee stays.
Yes, we do wear shoes.
grits is singular, not plural.
We’re off like a heard of turtles.
Grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ persimmons.
Fer (for)
Far (fire)
I’m all over that like a dog on a three-legged cat.
you show put yo foot in that!
(that food is really good.)
I don’t know that person from a whole in the wall.
(i don’t know that person at all)
Kansas or Oklahoma Panhandle
It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.
It’s colder than a witch’s tit.
You could piss off the pope.
when you are talking about someone who’s drunk you say “he’s been in the ignorant oil”.
when someone asks how are you? you can say:
“I’m still on the north side of the grass”.
hornier than a two pecked billy goat
My Grandfather used to tell me that, “Smoking makes your breath smell so bad, that it’ll drive a dog off a gut wagon!” Had to ask my father to explain that one to me! I love reading these…but how about, “I feel like I’ve been shot at and missed, but s**t at and hit!” We used to say that in college when we had a hangover. Which was often.
Or, when someone has lost everything, you could say, “He lost his hat, ass, and spats!” That’s an old one. I really liked the one above about being as tired as a cucumber in a convent…that’s funny and novel as well.
I ask my husband one day if he was hungry, and he come back with “is a pigs a*s pork”
If I was doin’ any better, I’d have ta hire somebody to help me enjoy it!
He ain’t worth a bucket of warm spit!
Best thing since sliced bread
Close/Open the dow
Now yall come back now ya hear
Come back before the street light come on
Go get me some soda water
Get me something out the icebox
After I was complaining about doing house work..My mom would add on chores and then say “So put that in your pipe and smoke it”
I feel ’bout as dumb as a cow lookin’ at a new gate
He’s dumber than a two-eyed clod of dirt
I feel as full as a rocky mountain tick on a
blue-speckled hound dog! (ate too much)
she’s as cute as a bug’s ear (usually refers to kid)
reckon I’ll see ya’ll directly (catch up with you later)
see ya round like a donut
later sweet potata
see you later, if nothin’ don’t happen and the creek don’t rise…
you can’t play with the big dogs unless you git off the porch
grass don’t grow on the playground (hairless chest)
makes no never mind… (whatever)
I’ll be diddly dee! (surpised)
You DON’T say!
The hell you say!
I’m gettin’ a wild hair (about to do something spontaneous)
There’s lots o’ ways to skin a rabbit.
I’m gonna tan yer hide! (spank you)
Well, look what the cat drug in…
Sloppier than two pigs in a bucket
I need to pop a squat (urinate outdoors) or hunker down,
hover craft (over toilet seat)
references to #2…
pinch a loaf,
go see a man about a dog,
turtle headin’
takin’ the browns to the super bowl
babies often make “boodie cakes” in their diapers