These are actual expressions, primarily from the Southern United States. Many of these colloquialisms are fading away, as they aren’t often continued by younger generations. But many of us have fond memories of hearing many of these funny sayings and expressions back when we were knee high to a bull frog. My grandmother used many of these old expressions even back when I was over the hill picking watermelons (before I was born).
I got a good laugh out of some of these. I hope you do to. Feel free to send in any favorites I missed.
Well that just dills my pickle!
That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.
If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!
Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
That was faster than green grass through a goose.
She could make a preacher cuss!
Hell, she could even depress the devil.
You could start an argument in an empty house.
That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.
You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?
Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Each one of his sermons is better than the next!
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!
She needs some fries to go with that shake.
That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.
They’re off like a herd of turtles.
She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.
Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).
He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!
Well, slap my head and call me silly!
Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!
Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!
He’s not particularly intelligent:
The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.
If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose
He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
He’s a little strange…
That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.
I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.
I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!
He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.
He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.
It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!
It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!
It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!
He’s not particularly handsome….
He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west
He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.
He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”
She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!
If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
“Living in sin”:
I heard they ate supper before they said grace!
Page Topic: Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms
He’s not the smartest peanut in the turd.
If maybes and buts were candy and nuts, oh what a Merry Christmas we’d have. (But and Maybe being said a lot)((You know…Maybe, but…))
ain’t got both oars in the water (stupid)
If he was any dumber, he’d have to be watered twice a week!
Some village is missin’ their idiot!
His Momma shoulda thrown him away and kept the stork!
Don’t let your mouth write checks that your ass can’t cash.
West Virginia
“When you do a job, be proud enough to put your name on it.”
Getting to know someone well: “I’ll turn him inside out and scrape him.”
Moving fast: “He’s like a fart in a wind storm.”
Something impossible to do: “like stretching a nats ass over a wash tub”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a rag off of a sore toe.”
When someone wears skimpy clothes: “Not enough clothes to flag a hand car.”
When someone gets pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is: “Well when you go through a briar patch you don’t know which briar scratched you.”
Making a big deal out of something: “That’s so small you could snuff it up your nose.”
“The best way to a man’s heart is a knife through the chest cavity.”
Keeping your good deeds unmentioned: “Never let your left hand know what your right hand does.”
Cry baby: “The more she cries, the less she’ll piss.”
When something fits real tight –
“Like a bull’s butt in fly season!”
When you misbehave, your Momma says –
“I’ll slap you nekked n’ hide your clothes!”
“You might as well play Hob with the hoe-handle!” (You’re wasting your time)
Colder than a brass tit on a witch
I was raised in the backwoods of PA.. and we said things like “thats a knee slapper right der” and “that messier than a cow pissin on a flat rock”
A thing that every1 said for a long time in my school was “yous smellin what im steppin in?, u pickin up wat im puttin down?”
Stuff I heard my parents sayin growin up in Florida:
Well now that’s kinda like closin’ the barn door after the horse is already loose dontcha think? (when somebody asks you to do something AFTER the fact)
Somebitch (Son of a Bitch)
Chewed me up one side and down the other! (Got yelled at)
I’m on it like cheese on grits!
That girl’s meaner than cuss!
I’m goin’ to see a man about a horse. (Response when someone asks where your goin and it’s none of their business)
He’s dumber than a box of rocks.
I’m fixin’a tan your hide! (Spanking)
He was goin’ hog wild! (crazy)
Ahhh, the memories!
I haven’t seen you in a month of Sundays.
Busier ‘n (than) one-legged man in a butt-kickin’ contest!
Speaking about someone who was “not blessed with beauty”….
“she cain’t help bein’ugly, …but she coulda stayed at home!”
Here are a few I still use:
He’s grinnin’ like a jackass eating briars.
She farted like a mule eatin’ green corn.
He’s dumber than a bag of hammers.
When girl watchin’: Must be Jello cause jelly don’t shake like that.
Refering to people who do not get along: They are like to cats in a sack.
Commenting on dental features (Buck toothed) : She could eat watermelon through a chicken wire fence.
On a gossippy female: Her tongue is so long she could lick a skillet from the front porch. (Skillet is in the kitchen)
“I ain’t tellin’ ya how the cow ate the cabbage”
“That boy don’t know if he’s washin’ or hangin’ out”
It don’t make me no never mind “I don’t care”
(She’s so ugly…) She could make a locomotive take a dirt road!
Uglier than a mud fence!
He’s so ugly, when he was born, the doctor slapped his Momma!
I’ll beat you like a rented mule!
Don’t what me, I ain’t a light bulb!
Busier than a one legged cat trying to cover poop on a marble floor.
Don’t what me, I ain’t a light bulb!
im a Tennessean so heres a few for ya..
colder than a well diggers ass..
i could eat the ass end outta a skunk
and you can say the meanest thing to someone but as long as you end it with “Bless his/her heart” it always comes out sounding nice.
if your gonna take a shower, ya fixing to go jump in the puddle.
or one of my other faves..if something was great, “it’s enough to make you wanna slap yer momma”
busier than a one eyed cat watchin 3 mice holes
shes so ugly she makes onions cry
Well looks like he’s up shits creek without a paddle.
Grandpa used to describe anybody who was staggerin’ drunk as bein’ “plum loopdylegged” or “drunk as a boiled owl.
My grandma and mom always said, “I’m a grain mind to … what ever it was they were going to do.
Has anyone else ever heard that?
I’m happier than a possum smilin’ in the shower!
I’m so confused I don’t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.
Quit bumpin’ ya gums!
I grew up hearing most of the ones on this site. Hear are some more I didn’t see.
“Whose/I’m skinning this cat? You just hold the legs”
“Prettier than two speckled pups under a yeller wagon”
Roll up/down the window- even for power windows
“Couldnt hit the broad side of a barn”- bad aim
“Shit fire and little green onions” – my Mom’s favorite exclaimation
“He’s as useful as a white crayon”
“Ustacould” – meaning before you could do that
“He lives out in Rooster Poot” or “Bum F#%k Egypt”
“Till the cows come home” – a long time
“Don’t let your Mocking Bird mouth overload your Jaybird ass”- as in bragging
“Shit Eating Grin”- smiling big like your guilty
“White as a sheet” – pale
“He couldn’t find his ass with a flashlight and a roadmap” – stupid
“He couldnt fight his way out of a wet paper bag” – weak or not a good fighter
He wouldn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground” – stupid
“Eat shit and die” – comeback in argument
“Bite Me”- comeback in argument
“Drunker than Cooter Brown”
“Stubburn as a mule”
“You better shut your face”- shut up
“She can dish it out but she cant take it”- talks trash but can’t handle it when you respond
“Don’t you sass me”- smart off or talk back
“Don’t get smart with me”- smart off or talk back
“Your gettin’ too big for your britches”-acting up or smart talking
“High Falootin’ ” or “HoyteeToytee”-(not sure on spelling) something rich or fancy or someone acting snobby
“Hes so cheap he carries a rock around to fart on to save the grease”- my Dad’s favorite
“He was so scared you couldn’t have shoved a greased BB up his ass”
“He thinks his S*%t dont stink”- stuck up
“Rob Peter to pay Paul”- being broke
“Plum tuckered” – tired
“I’ll snatch you bald headed”- threat of punishment
“We don’t air our dirty laundry out in public”- talk about our business
“Living high on the hog” – rich
“I’ve a mind to” – I’m thinking about
“Skeeters” – mosquitos
“Taters” – potatoes
“Put your money where your mouth is”- prove it or do it
“Put up or shut up”- prove it or do it
“Bar Fly”- older woman who hangs out in bars
“Bar Ditch” drainage ditch beside the road drunks might end up in
“I wouldn’t trust him as far as I can throw him”
“Madder than an old wet hen”- very angry
“Im so hungry my stomach thinks my throats been slit”
“Jackin yer jaw”- talking
“Tie a knott in yer tail”- spank you
“Bumfuzzled”- confused
“Slicker than Snott”
“Pretty as you please”- easy
“Going ninety to nothin’ “- busy or fast
“To beat the band”- busy or fast
“That don’t mean diddly squat”- doesn’t mean anything
“That ain’t no hill for a stepper”- its not hard
Don’t let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird a@@! (someone who is talking harsh about someone…but might not can back it up)
Every tub has to sit on it’s own bottom. (meaning you have to be responsible for your own things)
You had better go lick that calf over. (when you didn’t do the job right the first time and sent back to do it again)
My grandpa says my grandma is part Cherokee and part bulldog because when she ain’t on the war path she’s sittin’ on her a$$ growling.
When someone asks if it is raining there’s always the response ‘No, it’s liquid sunshine.
The Devil’s beatin’ his wife with a frying pan.
About as bright as a burnt out light bulb in a dark room with no windows.
“She’s so ugly she could snag lightning on a clear day!”
Dumb-“His porch light’s on, but he aint home!”
Boring- “It was like watching paint dry!”
“If you put your head up your ass and jump, you might disappear!”
from Texas:
It’s hotter then two rats screwing in a wool sock.
It’s so hot, I don’t know whether to brush my butt, or wipe my teeth.
Their teeth are so bad, they could eat an apple through a chain link fence.
That’s as funny as a fart in a space suit.
he couldnt hit a bull in the ass with a base fiddle.
thats about as rare as a bucktoothed rooster.
“its colder than a mother in laws kiss”
“its colder than a witches tit in a brass bra”
“i’ll put a pop knot on your head big enough to hitch a trailor to it”
“i’ll put so many knots on your head it’ll look like a bowl full of plums”
TENNESSEE..
She’s finer than a new set of snow tires.
You cant fix stupid.
Like a one legged man in a ass whipping contest.
You can put lipstick on a pig but its still a pig.
Dont let that bulldog mouth overload that puppy
dog ass.
Which one of my eyes looks the most concerned ?
“If I tell you a duck can pull a truck, shut up an hook it up.” It means you should have believed me. (Its usually said after you have been proven right.)
That’s about as useless as a poop flavored lollipop
i need one that could finish …”im blushin’ like a…-” please and thank yall
can’t ride two horses with one ass!
“She was as mad as a hornet”
“You keep that up, I’ll skin you alive” (often hollered by my mother)
“I’ll stomp a mud hole in your ass!” (hollered by my dad)
“That’s as useless as a pocket on a cow”
“They live just a hoot and a holler down the road” (Referring to where someone lives, who lives close by)
“Don’t put the cart before the horse”
“Your a dime holdin’ up a dollar” (Said when someone is getting in your way when you’re trying to get something done)
This one is for somebody not seeing something…
“As blind as a 9 eyed coondog with cataracts in a sandstorm”
I may have invented this but can’t remember:
He’ so horny he’d date a stick on the chance it might be a dead snake.
A lie don’t care who tell it, it’ll jump outta anybody’s mouth!
Throw a brick in a crowd, somebody bound to get hit!
A bit dog will holler!
She looks better goin than comin!
You thought you farted but you wipin now!