These are actual expressions, primarily from the Southern United States. Many of these colloquialisms are fading away, as they aren’t often continued by younger generations. But many of us have fond memories of hearing many of these funny sayings and expressions back when we were knee high to a bull frog. My grandmother used many of these old expressions even back when I was over the hill picking watermelons (before I was born).
I got a good laugh out of some of these. I hope you do to. Feel free to send in any favorites I missed.
Well that just dills my pickle!
That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.
If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!
She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!
Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
That was faster than green grass through a goose.
She could make a preacher cuss!
Hell, she could even depress the devil.
You could start an argument in an empty house.
That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.
You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?
Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
Each one of his sermons is better than the next!
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!
She needs some fries to go with that shake.
That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.
They’re off like a herd of turtles.
She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.
Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).
He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!
Well, slap my head and call me silly!
Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!
Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!
He’s not particularly intelligent:
The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.
If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose
He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
He’s a little strange…
That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.
I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.
I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!
He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.
You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.
He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.
It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!
It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!
It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!
He’s not particularly handsome….
He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west
He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.
He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”
She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!
If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
“Living in sin”:
I heard they ate supper before they said grace!
Page Topic: Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms
hes as dumb as a post
ya’ll are as fun as a root canal
theres two ways u can say this
its hotter en’ sin
or
its hot as sin out here
its hot as four hells out here!
Well bless your thumping little gizzard!
-Said to someone after they get hurt. Jesus don’t like stupid
-Don’t assume anything. You make an ass out of you and me
-When someone asks Well? My son always say’s, a well is a deep hole in the ground
-The original saying was Well? A well is a deep subject for such a narrow mind
-If brains was gas he would not have enough to power a go-cart around the inside of a cheerio
-When someone says Hey the reply is. Hay is just the first stage of bullshit
Barking at a knot (wasting your time trying to explain something.)
Hells Bells!
If wishes were horses Beggers would ride.
She’d argue with the devil himself.
We’d better lick this calf all over again. (something not done right)
Six of One-Half a dozen of the other.(meaning same thing)
Hotter’n blue blazes.
She looks like 5 lbs a sugar in a 10 lb sack. (fat)
Y’all could throw a cat through it. (talking about a hous not well built)
Well, Gooose Greese and Horse Turds!
(from Alabama) In reference to an OCD spouse.
“You can’t lay a fart down here without someone picking it up.”
(from Alabama)
You’re about as grateful as a toothache.
If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
tougher than the tits on a boar hog
Dumber than a box a rocks… for someone who’s not too smart
He thinks his crap don’t stink, but his farts’ll give ’em away… for someone who thinks they are better ‘n everybody else
Not the brightest light on the tree
Colder then a well digger’s wallet
Dumber than a stump
Slower than a seven-year itch
Hotter than a tinker’s ass
One burger short of a HAppy Meal
Tasted bad enough to gag a maggot
Don’t know shit from Shinola (I think Shine-ola was shoe polish?)
He wouldn’t move if his ass was on fire!
uglier than a mud fence
My granny from Mississippi says:
When it’s really cold, “It’s colder than a witches tit”
About a skinny woman, “Nothing wants a bone but a dog, and he buries it when he finds it.”
My Mississippi mom always said:
Just before applying discipline to a child, “You don’t believe fat meat is greasy.” In other words, I told you I was about to tear you up if you don’t do what I say, and since you still haven’t you must not believe anything logical… followed by a beating. It would also be substituted by things like “You don’t believe Jesus rode a jackass.”
Cold as an Eskimo’s ass
I’m frazzled as a cow’s hide under a branding iron
..I’d like to have that _______ and him have a feather up his ass!! then we’d both be tickled!!
Built like a brick shithouse (muscular)
Went down like a sack of shit (it fell fast)
Id look outside if he told me it was raining (hes a liar)
Its a rolls-canardly, rolls down one side of the hill can hardly get up the other (your car sucks)
Step one drag one (walking with a limp)
Goes to show you dont have to have a long neck to be a goose (hes an idiot)
Dont beat around the bush (get to the point)
That’s slicker than 2 eels, screwing in a bucket of snot. – Meaning Really Cool
I’m from Alabama and I’ve used this one for years but haven’t seen it on your list:
She/He’s as ugly as a burnt snake.
When you are starving/hungry: “I could eat the ass end out of a rag doll!”
he was so stupid, he would come out of a bucket of tits sucking his thumb
“He couldn’t fall out of a tree in a hurry!”
“If it were a snake it woulda bit ya!”
(when you point something out that someone was looking for but was actually close or obvious the whole time)
The Civil War is over – and you lost. Get over it.
useless as tits on a bull
ugly:
“why, that coat is god-fearing ugly!”
“uglier than sin”
“he’s so ugly, he’d stop an eight-day clock!”
surprise:
“good night nurse!”
“holy shit, Myrtle!”
“good grief Annabelle!”
“great scott!”
anger:
“madder than a wet hen”
“madder than a hornet”
random:
“grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ peach seeds”
“you ornery little shit!”
“bless his/her heart” — you can say whatever you want about somebody, so long as you say “bless her heart”
can you give me the meaning of a Southern Phrase: Throw a Screw worm? I think it means throwing a fit, getting angry, etc.
Happier than a turtle on an escalator!
“Last night I had the big eye” (Couldn’t sleep last night.)
“Quiet as a flea pissing on a cotton ball.”
If a frog had wings it wouldn’t drag it’s butt.
Well, we Yankees, Damned or not, have our sayings too. Thought you might enjoy them:
She’s so ugly she could gag a maggot.
I hate him/her so much I wouldn’t cross the street to piss on them if they were on fire.
Scarcer than hens teeth.
I don’t want no truck with them. (don’t want to bother with them)
Higher than a cats back. (costs a lot)
Uglier than a spider sandwich.
Uglier than a booger on a birthday cake.
Nasty as a hair shirt (mean spirited)
Is that a wiggle or a struggle? (girs walking)
If you don’t stop that, I’ll knock you into next week.
If you don’t stop, I’m going to slap you so hard that when you get up your clothes will be out of style!
If you keep on, I’m going to kick your ass so high up your back you’ll have to take your shirt off to take a shit!
Oh, right, and I’m a virgin, ask my kids! (when someone says something you just know is a lie)
Yeah, that’s as funny as a rubber crutch.
Like water off a duck’s back
Hollow leg
Happier than a pig in slop
He couldn’t pour piss out of bucket if the directions were written on the bottom.
Bitterer than quinine
Throwing the baby out with the bathwater
I’m gonna box your ears.
As big around as a bean pole
Slower than molasses
Slow as Christmas
Slower than Moses
Older than Methuselah
I’m gonna have to put a book on your head.
Except by the grace of God, there go I.
Ten pounds of potatoes in a five pound sack (about someone wearing pants that are too small for them)
Thicker than Thieves
Cotton pickin’ (precedes some noun when that person is irritated)
He/She’s got a face like a bucket of worms!
I feel so bad I feel like I been eat by a bear and s$%t down a cliff
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse and a half, a cow and a calf and chocolate mule with a peppermint tail !
…he was madder’n a bat in a suitcase
“That went over like a turd in a punch bowl”
This is when you are really thirsty- “I’m fartin dust!”
“I gotta piss like a cow on a flat rock”
Looks like Fido’s ass
Instead of a “little bit more”, my family says, “Just a grunt more”
We were so poor we had to eat dough for breakfast and sit out in the sun for lunch!
Well dont you look preiter than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
its hotter than a four balled dog
He/She’s got the kind of face that would make a train take a dirt road.
He was madder ‘en a centipede standin’ barefoot on a hot rock!
it was so cold i was shivering like dog poopin a pine cone
You’re ’bout as goofy as a bow-legged hound dog.
I grew up all over the South as my pop was in the Military and here are a few from him and my mom…..
“Shore as shit stinks”
runnin like a scared rabbit.
he/she would rather stand in a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and speak the truth.
meaner than a two tailed rattler with no teeth.
quick as a cat can blink it’s eyes.
higher than a cats ass
come here and let me smack you……..
I’m going up the road apiece will be back directly.
I’ll slap the s@#T outta you and slap ya for s@#$$%^g.
To a pregnant girl: should a kept that nickel between yer knees like your mamma tolt ya.
Heres a couple more from the great state of TN.
“Go get you sumthin ta drank!” (Please have a drink)
“I want you to look at.”(WOW)
“Hell”(oh well)
She Could Argue With A Fence Post All Day
This is one is my favorite to use:
“She’s crazier than a shithouse rat!”