These are actual fortune cookie fortunes.
Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas.
You have an unusual equipment
for success, use it properly.
Because of your melodic nature,
the moonlight never misses an appointment.
You will gain admiration from your pears.
You will receive a fortune cookie.
Never wear your best pants
when you go to fight for freedom.
A starship ride has been promised to you
by the galactic wizard.
You love Chinese food.
Someone will invite you to a Karaoke party.
Don’t behave with cold manners.
Typed like any other fortune cookie:
Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.
Don’t forget you are always on our minds.
From the same people holding the prisoner?
What you left behind is more mellow than wine
(for a bathroom?)
There is no mistake so great
as that of being always right.
Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.
A tub and a rub will change your day.
THAT WASN’T CHICKEN.
Suppose you can get what you want.
If you’re happy and you know it, and you realy want to show it, if you’re happy and you know it, eat a monkey.
“Its about time I got out of that cookie.”
(sent in by Michael-Asheville, NC)
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Another site with great fortune cookie fortunes is  weirdfortunecookies.com/
Page Topic: Funny Real Fortune Cookie Fortunes
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Eat your vegetable and you will be strong like Popeye
u will achieve greatness………….in bed!!!! LOL
“It’s good enough, but it could be better”
a closed mouth gathers no feet
I’ve found that fortunes from PF Chang’s and Pei Wei tend to have the best, or most inspirational fortune cookies.
However, I find the random and funny ones from the mom and pop restaurant down the street. My favorite is “you will make a great lawyer.”
Received last night:
“Consolidate your interest
while the lights are active.”
Hmmm.
‘Don’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you’
LOL! The “You will recieve a Fortune Cookie” one was Hilarious! Lol, Had me Crackin! Thanks!! LOl
I got the “tub and a rub” cookie message, but instead of “your,” it said “our.” “A tub and a rub will change our day.” Whose day? Mine and the Chinese food guy’s?
This is my favorite by far!
“He who farts in church, sits in his own pew!”
one time i got a fortune that said
“If you think you’re too small to be effective, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito.”
My fortune said “A small lucky package is on its way to you soon” now when i first read that i got the wrong idea…
add in bed at the end of each one!!!!!!!
That cookie was poison
this is a good one if u ask me “im better then the average cookie”
“You have an unusual equipment
for success, use it properly..in bed”
seriously, if your fortune cookie doesn’t make since, say “in bed” after it.
You will achieve greatness…in bed
Your fire burns larger than others…in bed
but then there’s one’s that don’t make since with it.
Your mind is like a river, always flowing.. in bed?
Got this last night…. If a turtle has doesn’t have a shell, is he naked or homeless?
“You are pretty.” :)
“Had a good meal? Get one to go.”
someone thinks you are wondefully mysterious
The fortune you seek is in another cookie…i got that one last night!!
The answers you seek are in Amsterdam…
Dont get on the plane
smile, a secret message from your teeth, lol my dad got this one
The one that says “You will recieve a fortune cookie” is stupid but funny’ lol
I received on that said, “Give a kiss to the person sitting next to you,” not a fortune but by far my favorite lol
wow
My most recent one was, “It’s all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.”
my friend got one that says:
“Come back later. I am sleeping. (Yes, fortune cookies need sleep, too.)”
An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly
I got one once from Panda Express that said (no joke) “Pleasures await you by the seashore.”
I got this one years ago.. “Confucius say he who place egg on hill may someday have eggroll”
Figure this one out:
“Love is the law, love under will.”
I got this one the other night when I ordered Chinese food when I was home alone: “Be cautious of wandering in the darkness alone.”
My favorite fortune of all time is taped to my kitchen window and says, “The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.” Not sure what it means, but it sounds good to me. ;)
Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today- is by far my favorite but i have also got pick another fortune cookie and Confucius say man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
I got one that said “Don’t Panic” once… Can anyone say, Douglas Adams?
My mom got an empty one once. And once I got one that said, “Harsh words break no bones, fine words butter no parsnips.” The weirdest one ever, though, was when my mom, my dad, both of my brothers, and myself all got the same fortune. I don’t remember what it said, but we all had the same exact fortune.
i got one that said “wow! a secret message from your tooth!” it made my day =D
“Hey! give a guy a break! I have been in this cookie forever!!”
“come back later cookies need sleep too”
Look with favor upon a bold beginning coming this year… Except in bed
I got one that said “Ask your Mom”
HAHAHAHAHA add “in bed” at the end of every single fortune cookie! it’s hilarious!!!!!! XD
“Good fortune is yours when you stock tons of fortune cookies” lol.
never eat a cookie who tells fortunes
i just got this fortune cookie that says pleasures await you by the seashore… i was all wooh… that nice…
“You like Chinese food” and “Nobody does it better than you” have been my favorites.
I got one once that said “they’re holding me hostage in the kitchen, please help”