MELVIN: We’re all gonna die soon. I will. You will. And it sure sounds like your son will.
CAROL: If you ever mention my son again, you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand? Give me some sign you understand or leave now. Do you understand me…. you crazy fuck? Do you?
‘I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!’
(1) How do you spell conscience? (2)c-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e (1) this can’t be right…con science?
(1) How do you write about women so well?
(2) I think of a man. Then i take away reason and accountability.
(1) Melvin wait! (2) -kids- Melvin wait! (3) shut up kids!!
1) Ah well we’re all gonna die soon, especially your son. 2) How do you know about my son? Promise me you’ll never mention him again. Doyu promise? Promise me now, you crazy fuck!
1) Do you want to dance? 2) I’ve been thinking about that for a while. 1) Well? 2) No.
1) so you put them in separate cages right? 2)yes 1)put him with that one…not that one. builds his confidence
1)Fucking H.M.O. bastard pieces of shit! 2)Carol! 1)Sorry. 3)It’s okay. Actually, I think that’s their technical name.
1. Come in and try to not ruin everything by being you. 2. Maybe we could live without the wisecracks! 1. Maybe we could.
1. It feels a little confined in here….let’s take a walk. 2. See, it’s four in the morning….a walk sounds a little screwy to me…if you don’t mind. 1. Well, there’s a bakery on the corner, it’s bound to be open soon, then we’re not screwy, we’re just two people who like warm rolls.
1. Stop it! WHY CAN’T I HAVE A NORMAL BOYFRIEND! A REGULAR BOYFRIEND WHO WON’T GO NUTS ON ME!?!?
1. Thank you, Melvin, you overwhelm me….I love you.
2. I tell ya buddy, I’d be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me!
1: How old are you? 2: Oh, please… 1: If I hod to guess by your eyes. I’d say you were fifty. 2: And if I had to guess by your eyes. I’d say you were kind. So, so much for eyes. But as long as you bring up age… 1: Otherwise you’re not ugly. 2: Okay, pal…I accept the compliment, but go easy-my knees start a-knockin’ when you turn on the charm full blast.
1: This is not a nude! 2: Just…kidding around. Heh…So much for love.
(C) : Are you okay?
(S) : Don’t ask. I’m tired of my own complaints. I gotta get some new thoughts.
(C) : Why? What are you thinking about?
(S) : How to die, mostly.
(C) : Can you believe in our little mix that makes you the good roommate?
(M) : Can I ask you a personal question?
(S) : Sure.
(M) : You ever get an erection over a woman?
(S) : Melvin!
(M) : I mean, wouldn’t your life be easier if you weren’t……
(S) : You consider your life easy?
(M) : All right. I give you that one. Nice packing.
(M) : You make me want to be a better man.
(C) : That’s maybe the best compliment of my life.
(M) : Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
(M): How old are you? If I went by your eyes, I’d say you were 50.
(C): If I went by your eyes, I’d say you were kind. So, so much for eyes, but as long as you bring up age, how old are you?
(M): Oh, no, no.
(C): Well, you brought it up.
(M): I mean, not…… I’m not saying that you’re ugly.
(C): Easy, easy, pal. I can take the compliment, but my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.
> Oh, I thought it was the name of that ‘colored’ man that I’ve been seeing in the halls. >> Which color was that? > Uhh… Like uhh… thick MO-lasses… with a broad nose, perfect for smelling trouble in prison food…
All right, what I do is…I watch people. Do you ever watch someone who doesn’t know that your watchin’ ’em? An old lady on a street corner, or some kids getting on a bus to school? Well, they stand there and you look, and all of a sudden this — flash comes over them, and you know it has nothing to do with anything external, because that hasn’t changed. They just suddenly become realer and more alive. If you look at someone long enough, you can discover their humanity.
Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.
Are we done being neighbours for now?
Assault and battery! AND you’re BLACK!
Brian says no matter how ofter you come here, you ever act like this again, you’re barred for life. I’m gonna miss the excitement, but I’ll enjoy it!
Can you leave now, you absolute horror of a human being?
Carol the waitress meet Simon the fag
carol the waitress, meet simon the fag
Carol the waitress, meet Simon the fag.
Carol: I will never sleep with you, not ever!
Melvin: Well I’m sorry but we don’t open for the No Sex odes until nine A.M.
Carol: Why can’t I just have a normal boyfriend?! Why!? Just a regular boyfriend! One who doesn’t go nuts on me.
Carol’s Mom: Everyone wants that dear. It doesn’t exist.
clippity clop, clippity clop – IGNORES ME!
Come on in and try not to ruin anything by being you.
Come on in and try not to ruin things just by being you.
Con science? That can’t be right!
Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to become!?
(pause) Yes I do, and to prove it I have not gotten personal and you have.
Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Doctor how can you diagnose someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act like I had some choice about barging in here right now?
Doctor, how can you diagnose someone with obsessive compulsive disorder and act like I had some choice about barging in here?
Don’t touch!
Don’t worry, you’ll be back on your knees in no time.
Don’t you be like me! No, don’t you be like me!
Dr. Martin Bettes: My wife is Melvin Udall’s publisher. She said that I was to take excellent care of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work. What kind of work do you do?
Carol: I’m a waitress.
Everything inside aches and you can barely find the will to complain.
Explain to me how you can diagnose someone as ‘obsessive compulsive disorder’and then act like I have any choice in barging in.
get up and get out, or there’s gonna be trouble and man, i mean it!
Good times, noodle salad
Here’s a little suitcase, shocked that it’s being used.
How do I write women? I think of a man, I take away reason, and accountability.
I brought some music for the road. (plays YMCA then stops it) I’m just kidding. I just wanted to see your reaction.
I hope your appetites aren’t as big as your noses
I love you, Melvin.
I tell you, buddy, I’d be the luckiest man alive if that’s what did it for me.
I think people that talk in metaphores ought to shave my crotch.
I’m drownin’ here, and you’re describing the water!
I’m drowning and your describing the water
I’m drowning here and you’re describing the water!
I’m drowning here, and you’re just describing the water!
I’m drowning, and you’re describing the water!
I’m finally gonna ask: what’s with the plastic picnicware?
i’m not a prick…you are? i’m not judging.
If I went by your eyes I’d say you were kind.
im afraid he might try to pull the old stiff one eye on me
im not going to sleep with you..i will NEVER sleep with you
It was better than sex- we held each other!
Just what the world needs, another actress.
melvin singing always look on the bright side of life
Melvin: I think people who speak in metaphors oughtta shampoo my crotch
Melvin: I’m hungry, you’ve ruined my whole day.
Carol: What, because I wasn’t there to take crap from you and bring you eggs?
Melvin: If I was to go by your eyes I’d say you were fifty. Carol:And if I were to go by your eyes I would say you were kind…so much for going by eyes
Melvin: So never, never again interrupt me. Okay? I mean, never. Not 30 years from now…not if there’s fire. Not even if you hear a thud from inside my home and a week later there’s a smell from inside that can only come be a decaying body and you have to hold a hanky against your face because the stench is so thick you think you’re gonna faint even then don’t come knocking or, if it’s election night and you’re excited and want to celebrate because some fudge-packer you dated has been elected the first queer President of the United States…and he’s going to put you up in Camp David and you just want to share the moment with someone…don’t knock…not on this door. Do ya get me Sweetheart?
Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there’s a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there’s a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you’re going to faint. Even then, don’t come knocking. Or, if it’s election night, and you’re excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he’s going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don’t knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
not even if you hear a sound of a thud from my home, and one week later, there’s a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face, because the stench is so thick that you think that you’re gonna faint. even then, don’t come knocking.
or, if it’s election night, and you’re excited and you want to celebrate, because some fudgepacker you date was elected the first queer president of the united states, and he’s going to have you down to camp david, and you want someone to share the moment with. even then, don’t knock. not on this door. not for any reason. do you get me sweetheart?
Pay me a compliment, Melvin.
People who talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.
People who talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.
people who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Sell crazy someplace else. We’re all stocked up here.’
sell crazy somewhere else we’re all stocked up here
Sell crazy somewhere else, we’re all stocked up here.
Simon: Rot in hell, Melvin
Melvin: Ooh, no need to stop being a lady!
Simon: Rot in hell, Melvin.
Melvin: Ooh, no need to stop being a lady.
So then, the next thing I know, she’s sitting right next to me, and then, well, it’s not right to go into the details, but I screwed up. I got nervous. I said the wrong thing and if I hadn’t, I could be in bed now with a woman who, if you could make her smile, you got a life. Instead, I’m here with you, no offense, a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Some face they left hanging on you!
Some of us have good stories, with picnics and boats and noodle salad. Just nobody in this car.
Some people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad.
That’s maybe the best compliment of my life.
That’s not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories. That take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But alot of people thats their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.
The life that I was trying for is gone, and I’m feeling so damn sorry for myself that it’s difficult to breathe.
The most cracked sidewalk in New York, and look at where it is!
there are JEWS at my table!
There’s no way to pack for this trip!
This has been too much reality for a Friday night.
To hell with sex! It was better than sex! We held each other! What I needed, he gave me great.
Uh, Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.
Vincent: Brad Pitt (da na na) is the shit!
We’re just two people who like warm rolls.
What do you think this is, some panama city sailor wanna hump hump bar, or is this get away day and your last shot as his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.
What if this is as good as it gets.
what if this is as good as it gets?
When i first saw you, i thought you were handsome. Then of course you spoke.
When you first came into the diner, I thought you were handsome…then of course you spoke.
When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome. And then, of course, you spoke.
Where do they teach you to say stuff like that, in some Manila *sailor wanna hump-hump bar*…peddle crazy somewhere else. We’re all stocked up here.
Where do they teach you to talk like that? In some panama city sailor wanna hump-hump bar? Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.
Where do they teach you to talk like that? In some Panama City sailor wanna hump-hump bar, or is this get-away day and a last shot at his whiskey? Sell Crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here!!
Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City sailor wanta hump hump bar? Or is this getaway day and you’re last shot on his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.
Why can’t I have a NORMAL BOYFRIEND?
woman: how do you write woman so well???
melvin: i think of a man, and i take away reason and accountability.
Woman: Its tulip day today, and I’m Oh so happy. (seeing Melvin) Son of a bitch!
Write a note, ain’t she sweet? I need a hand, and where’d she go?
Write me a note and ain’t she sweet. I need a hand and where’d she go…
You absolute horror of a human being.
You don’t love anything Mr Udall
You make me wanna be a better man…well maybe I overshot a little, ’cause I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
you make me want to be a better man
You make me want to be a better man.
You miss the tough guy, huh? Well, HERE I AM! Happy to see me, you little piss-ant mop? How ’bout another ride down the chute?
You’re not helping! Here I am drowning, and you’re describing the water!
You’re the reason cavemen painted on walls.
your freakin emails are a disgrace. no eyes should ever view them. get some taste. and shut-up bitch, go cook me a turkey pot pie
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘As Good As It Gets’: Quotes from the movie ‘As Good As It Gets’