So this is Hell. And there’s a crucifix in it.
People in this country aren’t interested in details. They only trust headlines.
#1: Let’s try walking
#2: Holding the sandwich?
#1: I was adorable once. Young and full of hope! And now look at me, I’m this fat, short, insecure, middle-aged THING!
#2: I made you short?
#1: I was adorable once. Young and full of hope. And now, look at me. I’m a short, fat, insecure middle-aged thing.
#2: I made you short?
#1: Aaaagh!
(1) Did Albert get back? (2) No. (1) Great, then he’s driving at 20mph down the fucking freeway with the parking break on.
(1) I’ve never danced with a man before (2) there’s always a first time
(1) Is Albert here?
(2) No.
(1) Great. Then he’s driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.
(1) Jackson’s dead.
(2) Oh my God!
(1) He died in bed? Whose bed? A prostitute?
(2) No!
(1) A minor? And black?
(2) What?
(1) I don’t believe this! I don’t FUCKING believe this!
(1) Now take that wig off or I’ll tell Albert you’re wearing it.
(2) You do that, I’m gonna tell him you’re seeing somebody else while he’s on the stage.
(1) I have two words for you: green card.
(1) Who put Playboy in the bathroom?
(2) Leave it, it’s what they read.
(1) Don’t add, subtract!
(1) You were so terrified, it was so sweet.
(2) I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there’s a woman in my bed!
(1) I paid the doorman twenty dollars–twenty dollars, in those days!
(2) Oh, God. And I thought, ‘what the hell, let’s try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about.’
(1)John Wayne (2) Can’t we try someone easier (1) Why? You’re a fan. Just get off your horse and head into the saloon (Albert walks, attempting to walk like John Wayne) (2) No good? (1) Actually it was perfect, I just never relized John Wayne walked like that
(1)Should we have some champagne to celebrate?
(2)Oh, how nice.
(1)Agador!
(3)Spartacus!
(1)Agador Spartacus! He insists on being called by his full name.
(ARMAND) Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. I have to go find Albert.
[Exits]
(VAL) You… can cook, right?
(AGADOR) Your father seems to think so…
(C): Chewing gum helps me think.
(A): Sweetie, you’re wasting your gum!
(LOUISE) Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him?
(BARBARA) Please don’t call me Barbie. This afternoon at two o’clock. We’ve been sleeping together for a year.
(SENATOR) Oh God, has he been tested?
(LOUISE) Oh, Kevin!
(BARBARA) Yes, and so have I.
…And so they decided to stop eating tofu and find a cemetary they really liked instead..
…You asked for it!! Assume the position!! I’m ‘gonna give you a load of hot fat that will float around your bowels for a WEEK!!…
1) I’m leaving you my boots, 2) No! 1) my stereo, 2) Don’t want it! 1) and my wigs. 2) Which wigs? 1) my best wigs.
1) Kevin, this is a man. They’re gay! 2) What? You can’t be Jewish! 3) Senator Keeley, I just want you to know that I mean every word that I said about the importance of returning to family values. 2) I feel like I’m insane!
1) Tanins! What do you do while I am on stage? 2) Nothing. I lie here.
1) That tone that says ‘you know everything, because you are a man, and I know nothing, because I am a woman
2) You’re not a woman.
1) You bastard!
1)Don’t use that tone to me.
2)What tone?
1)That sarcastic contemptuous tone. That means you know everything because you’re a man, and I know nothing because I’m a woman.
2)You’re not a woman.
1) Oh, you bastard!
1)I don’t get it. 2)Try more gum.
1)Look at me! I’m a short, fat, insecure, middle-aged, THING!
2)I made you short?
1)My father was the Shaman of his tribe, my mother was the high priestess. 2)So why did they move to New Jersey? 1)I don’t know, they stupid!
1)Pirin tablets, what kind of drugs are you giving him?
2)Its not drugs. It’s aspirin with the ‘a’ and the ‘s’ scraped off.
1)You’re brilliant!
2)I know.
1)What are Pirin tablets?!! 2) Relax, it’s just asprin with the a’s and the s’s scraped off.
1)What are you doing while I’m out there killing myself on stage?! 2)Nothing, I lie here.
1)What is this, sludge?
2)Yes, it’s sludge. I thought it’d be a nice change from coffee.
3)Hello! Bag lady! Agadore, there are more groceries being delivered soon. (Takes a sip of coffee) Mmmm! Turkish coffee, delicious!
2)See!
1)Who put PlayBoy in here?
2)Leave it, it’s what they read!
1)Don’t add. Just subtract.
1. I was adorable once. Young, and full of hope. Now, look at me. I’m a short, fat, insecure, middle aged thing!
2. I made you short?
1. Dad, could we hire a straight maid for tonight?
2. There are no straight maids in South Beach.
1. What about you? You’re obviously not a cultural — whatever it is. You’ve never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig.
2. Albert, these people are right wing conservatives. They don’t care if you’re a pig, they just care if you’re a fag.
1. You’re gonna have to get yourself a uniform and dress like a butler.
2. No!! I’m gonna look like a fag!
3. Maybe, but you’ll look like a fag in a uniform.
1.Al, you old S.O.B! How ya doing? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the dolphins! Fourht and three play on the 30 yards line with 34 seconds to go! 2. How do you think I feel? Betrayed, Bewilered….wrong response?
1: Just because you’re twenty-two and hung doesn’t mean that- 2: Albert, please! 1: Fine, you’re the director.
1: No good? 2: Actually, it was perfect. I just never realised John Wayne walked that way.
Agadon: When you gonna let me audition for your show?
Armand Goldman: When you have talent.
Agador, I have two words for you: Green Card
Albert: Don’t give me that tone!
Armand: What tone?
Albert: That sly contemptous tone tht means you know everything because you’re a man, and I know nothing because I’m a woman.
Armand: You’re not a woman.
Albert: Oh, you bastard!
albert: no good?
armand: no, it was perfect, i just never realized john wayne walked like that
Albert:Another one for the road. Shnekon beckon!
AND A MANS I.Q. IS MEASURED BY THE SIZE OF HIS COCK …..WILL YOU EXUCSE ME
Another Jibe. Another joke at my expense.
Armand : You look like Lucy’s stunt double.
Agador : [dancing around in red wig cleaning] No actually I’m a combination of Lucy and Ricky.
Armand : That’s horrifying.
Can we get a straight maid for tonight REPLY: There are no straight maids in south beach
Can you write to my piglet from his Auntie on it?
Chewing gum helps me think.
Sweetie, you’re wasting your gum.
Come on, Gloria
Don’t worry about that. I’m very maternal. And Albert’s practically a breast.
Dude, you better get down there- shes trying to take his gum away from him!
faci faci faci. martha graham martha graham martha graham. madonna madonna.
Get the God damn pinkie down!!
Go ahead hit me I know you want to, go on.. hit me, hit me! OOOOh!
He blew a bubble with his gum while i was singing, he cant do that while im singing.
He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can’t do that while I’m SINGING!
I can’t wear shoes, for they make me fall down..
I chew gum to help me think…
REPLY: Sweetie, you’re wasting your gum
I do not wear shoes because they make me fall down.
i don’t wear shoes because they make me fall down
I pierced the toast!
I’m a combination of Lucy and Ricky
I’ve never had so much go so wrong so quickly.
If you don’t finish making up, I’m going to kill myself.
Indifference is …
It’s like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.
It’s ok, I understand. Im leaving, the monster, the freak, is leaving!
Ju forgot de chrimps!
Louise, I’m the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order. My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!
may I take your coat, as usual, or, for the first time?
Now there’s an idiotic issue! gays in the military! I mean those haircuts, those uniforms! who cares!
Oh great, right now Albert’s driving down the freeway at 20 miles per hour with the parking break on.
Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I’m not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you’re only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you’ll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.
Oh yes… Coldeman. The ‘d’ is silent in America. It’s Cole D’Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand’s chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand’s work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand’s home is, so actually, we don’t know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
Oh! Chocolate schmeken, I’ll just give it a try. (eats the schmeken) Mmm! A triumph. Thank you, well maybe just one more schmeken for the road — when the schmeken beckons!
Oh, I got to fire this woman. Uh, Miss Porter, page two, second paragraph, it’s ‘porno’, not ‘pronto’.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Armand Coleman of Greece and South Beach.
She transcends your desire to chew. She electrifies you. Something starts in your pelvis, and works its way up to your heart, where it becomes heart/pelvis!
She works hard for the money ee-ee ee-ee, so hard for the money ee-ee ee-ee
Shouldn’t you be holding the cross? It is THE prop for martyrs.
Shouldn’t you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!
So this is hell…and there’s a crucifix in it!
some birds aren’t meant to be caged…their feathers are too bright
The hills… the mountains… talk about your purple mountains majesty. Just fantastic… Green fields. Purple mountains. And the roads – black – cutting through the green. All the colors… the trees… Pennsylvania is nice too.
This is so Guatamala. They put hard boiled eggs in everything down there because you know chicken is so important to them. Its their only real currency. A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens and a man’s wealth is measured by the size of his cock. Will you excuse me?
Victoria Paige is DEAD
Well, I thought he looked kind of funny but he was smiling so, I didn’t worry.
What interesting china! Why it looks like young men playing leap-frog. Is it Greek?
Who put playboy in the bathroom?
WORKER: its what they read
REPLY: Look dont add Just SUBTRACT
Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I’m a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I’m not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don’t give a damn what he thinks.
You can cook, right? REPLY: Your father seems to think so
You do Fosse Fosse Fosse, You do Madonna… Madonna… Madonna.
You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!
You take your knife and you smear. Men smear!
You’re afraid of my Guatamalaness. 2) Your what? 1) My Guatamalaness, my heat!
You’re going to the cemetary with your toothbrush. How Egyptian. Shouldn’t you be holding the cross? It is the prop for martyrs.
You’re going to the cemetary…with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
You’re going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
Your money’s on the dresser, Chocolate.
[discussing abortion] Oh, I know what you’re going to say. ‘If you kill the mother, the fetus dies too.’ But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Birdcage, The’: Quotes from the movie ‘Birdcage, The’