(1) I was going to expose you.
(2) I know, so I choose to expose myself.
(3) Please, there are ladies present.
How many husbands have you had? 2)Mine or other women’s?
YVETTE
Bon decor.
But it is dark upstairs, and I am frightened of ze dark.
Will anyone go wiz me?
PLUM
I will.
MUSTARD
I will.
GREEN
No, thank you.
Colonel Mustard:( to Wadsworth) Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of all the other guests
Wadsworth:You don’t need any help from me sir.
Colonel Mustard: That’s right!
#1 There’s one thing I still don’t understand. #2 One thing?
#1- But it is dark upstairs, and I am frightened of ze dark. Will anyone go with me? #2- I will. #3- I will. #4- No, thank you.
#1- Do you like Kipling Miss Scarlet? #2- Sure I’ll eat anything.
#1- Just checking. #2- Everything alright? #1- Yep, two corpses every thing’s fine
#1- Just checking. #2- Everything alright? #1- Yep, two corpses everything’s fine
#1- Three murders. #2- Six all together. #1- This is getting serious.
#1- Why is the car stopped? #2- It’s frightened,
#1- You see. It’s like the Mounties. We always get our man. #2- Mrs. Peacock was a man ?!
#1-And are you the host? #2-Me, sir? No, I’m just the humble butler.
#1-And what exactly is it you do here? #2-I buttle, sir.
#1-This is war Peacock! Casualties are inevitable. You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that. #2-But look what happened to the cook!!
#1: but is the FBI used to cleaning up after multiple murders
#2: of COURSE. why do u think its run by a man named hoover
#1: This is America! It’s a free country. #2: I didn’t know it was THAT free.
#1:Is the FBI used to cleaning up multiple murders? #2:Yes, why do you think it’s run by a man named Hoover?
(1) Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
(2) You don’t need any help from me, sir.
(1) He had threatened to kill me in public.
(2) Why would he want to kill you in public?
(3) I think she meant, he threatened, in public, to kill her.
(1) His license to practice has been lifted, correct?
(2) Why? What did he do?
(1) You know what doctors aren’t allowed to do with their lady patients?
(2) Yeah.
(1) Well, he did.
(1) Is the F.B.I. in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murder?
(2) Yes. Why do you think it’s run by a man called Hoover?
(1) Just checking.
(2) Everything alright?
(1) Yep. Two corpses, everything’s fine.
(1) Monkey’s brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.
(2) Is that what we ate?
(1) There’s still one thing I don’t understand.
(2) One thing?
(1) What are you all staring at?
(2) Nothing.
(1) Well, who’s there?
(3) Nobody.
(1) What do you mean?
(4) Nobody. No body! That’s what we mean. Mr. Boddy’s body, it’s gone!
(1) Why would anyone want to kill him twice?
(2) It seems so unnecessary.
(3) It’s what we call overkill.
(4) It’s what we call a psychotic.
(1) It is political, you’re a communist!
(2) No, Mr. Green. Communism is just a red herring. Like all members of the oldest profession, I’m a capitalist
(1) Professor, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur. (2) Yes, but now I work for the United Nations. (1) So, your work has not changed.
(1) Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone? (2) I don’t know. He’s on everyone else’s, why shouldn’t he be on mine?
(1)Good evening, have you ever given any thought to the Kingdom of Heaven?
(2) What?
(1) Repent. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.
(1)Good evening, have you ever given any thought to the Kingdom of Heaven?
(2) What?
(1) Repent. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.
(3) You ain’t just whistling Dixie.
(1) Armageddon is almost upon us.
(4) I got news for you: it’s already here.
(Colnel Mustard taps Wadsworth on the shoulder. Wadsworth screams and jumps). 1 (Colnel Mustard). Where’s the key? 2 (Wadsworth). In my pocket. 3 (Professor Plum). Not that key, the key to the cupboard with the weapons. 2 (Wadsworth). You still wish me to throw it away? All: Yes! (Wadsworth opens the front door, takes a key from his pocket, and throws it out, then closes the door). What now? 4 (Mrs. White). Wadsworth, let me out. 2 (Wadsworth). No. We’ve got to find out who did this. We’re all in this together. 5 (Mrs. Peacock). If you leave, I’ll say that you killed them both. (Others agree). 4 (Mrs. White). Wadsworth, I’ll make you sorry you ever started this. One day when we’re alone together… 2 (Wadsworth). Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you. 1 (Colnel Mustard). Well, I could use a drink. (Others agree. Colnel Mustard peeks into the study). Just checking. 5 (Mrs. Peacock). Everything alright? 1 (Colnel Mustard). Yep, two corpses. Everything’s fine.
(Colonel): You like Kipling, Miss Scarlet? (Scarlet): Sure, I’ll eat anything.
(Correction to an above quote): Bon d’accord is French for ‘but okay’.
(Green): So how did you know Col. Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients? (Mustard): Certainly not! (Green): I was talking to Miss Scarlet… (Mustard): *to Scarlet* Well you tell them it’s not true! (Scarlet): It’s not true. (Mustard): Is that true? (Scarlet): No, it’s not true. (Green): Haha! So it is true!
(Mrs. Peacock screams. Mr Green leads her over to the couch, sets her down, and slaps her). Well, I had to stop her from screaming.
(Mustard): You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies! (White): Flies are where men are most vulnerable. (Mustard): Right!
(Person #1): Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone? (Person #2): How should I know? He’s on everyone else’s, why shouldn’t he be on mine?
(Person 1): Who would want to kill the cook? (Person 2): Dinner wasn’t that bad. (Person 3): How can you make jokes at a time like this? (Person 2): It’s my defense mechanism! (Person 3): Some defense! If I were the killer, I’d kill you next. *others back away* I said, if….
(SCARLET AND COLONAL MUSTARD)C: Nobody’s here. S: behind one of those curtains!? C: you look….i’ll search the kitchen.
(Wadsworth): Are you making moral judgements, Ms. Peacock? How, then, do you justify taking bribes, in return for delivering your husband’s, Senator Peacock’s, vote to certain lobbyists? (Peacock): My husband is a paid consultant, there’s nothing wrong with that! (Wadsworth): Not if it’s publicly declared, perhaps. But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the mensroom, how would you describe that transaction? (Scarlet):I’d say it stinks! (Peacock):Oh how would you know? When were you in that mensroom?
*Wadsworth turns off the lights*
Scarlet: Turn on the lights!
Wadsworth: Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten anyone.
Green: You’re a little late for that!
… and I was in the hallway. I know, because I was there.
…(wadsworth)by sticking used greenbags under the door of the mens bathroom. what do you have to say about that? (scarlet) I’d day it stinks!(peacock)how would you know? when were you in that mensroom?
1 (Miss Scarlett). What about that motorist? What kind of information did he have? 2 (Colnel Mustard). He was my driver during the war. 3 (Wadsworth). And what was he holding over you? 2 (Colnel Mustard). He knew that I was a war propheteer. I stole essential air force radio parts, and I sold them on the black market. That was how I made all my money. That does NOT make me a murderer. 4 (Mrs. Peacock). Well, a lot of our airmen died because their radios didn’t work. Was the policeman working for Mr. Boddy, too? 1 (Miss Scarlett). The cop was from Washington. He was on my payroll. I bribed him once a week so that I could carry on with business. Mr. Boddy found out…somehow. 5 (Mr. Green). And the singing telegram girl…? 6 (Professor Plum). She was my patient once. I had an affair with her. That’s how I lost my license. Mr. Boddy found that out, too.
1 (Wadsworth). When I said that I was Mr. Boddy’s butler, this was both true and misleading. I was once his butler, but it was not his untimely death this evening that brought my employment with him to an end. 2 (Colnel Mustard). When did it come to an end? 1 (Wadsworth). When my wife decided to end her life. She, too, is being blackmailed by this odious man who now lies dead before us. He hated my wife for the same reason that he hated all of you. He believed that you were all thoroughly un-American. 3 (Mr. Green, as the serving table breaks under him). Sorry. 1 (Wadsworth). For some reason, he thought that it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife, for a doctor to take advantage of his patients, for a wife to emasculate her husband, and so forth. 3 (Mr. Green). But this is ridiculous! If he was such a patriotic American, why didn’t he report us to the authorities? 1 (Wadsworth). He decided to put his information to good use, and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that? 4 (Professor Plum). And what was your role in all this? 1 (Wadsworth). I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were…Socialists (on the verge of tears)… (sobs) Well, we all make mistakes. But Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife’s name to the House Un-American Activities Committee, unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves. Well to make a long story short… 2 (Colnel Mustard). Too late. 1 (Wadsworth). The suicide of my wife preyed on my mind, and rendered a sense of injustice in me. I resolved to put Mr. Boddy behind bars. I felt that the best way to do it, and to free all of you from the same burden of blackmail was to get everyone face to face, confront Mr. Boddy with his crimes, then turn him over to the police.
1 (whispering). Shut the door. Did anyone recognize you? 2. They must have, and not just my face. They know every inch of my body…it’s you!
1 (whispering). Shut the door. Did anyone recognize you? 2. They must have, and not just my face. They know evry inch of my body. (Audience: Hey, Yvette, where’s your accent?), and they’re not the only ones. (A rope is thrown around Yvette’s neck). It’s you! (Audience: I’m afraid so, Yvette, but isn’t it nice?)
1 Theres still some confusion to whether there is someone else in the house!
2 No there isnt.
1 Isnt confusion or isnt someone in the house?
2 Neither, no wait, both.
1(looking at pictures) Mmm, very pretty. Would you like to see these Yvette? They might shock you. 2)No, merci. I am lady. 1)Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you’re such a lady?
1) He threatened to send those picture to my dear old mother! The shock would have killed her! 2) Well that would have been quite an achievement since you told us she was dead already.
1) How can we possibly find out which of you did it? 2) What do you mean WHICH OF *YOU* did it? 1) Well, I didn’t do it!
1) I didn’t realize you two knew eachother. 2)We don’t.
1) If he was such a patriotic American, why didn’t he just report us to the authorities. 2) He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that?
1) If I were the killer, I would kill you next! If… I said if… look there is only one admitted killer here, and it most certainly is not me, it is her! 2) I’ve admitted nothing. 1) But you paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had? 2) Mine or other womens’? 1)Yours. 2)5 1)5? 2) Yes, just the 5. Husbands should be like kleenex- soft, strong, and disposable. 1) But you lure men to their death, like a spider with flies. 2) Flies like men are most vulnerable. 1)That’s right!
1) Let us in! Let us in! 2) Let us out! Let us out!
1) So, what does your husband do?
2) Nothing.
1) Nothing?
2) Well, he … just … lies around on his back all day.
3) Sounds like hard work to me.
1) Wadsworth? Am I right in thinking there is no one else in this house. 2) Um… no. 1) So there is someone else in this house? 2) No. Sorry. I meant no meaning yes. 1) No meaning yes? Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else or isn’t there, yes or no? 2) No. 1) No, there is or no, there isn’t? 2) Yes. 3) PLEASE!!! Don’t you think we should get that man out of the house before he knows what’s going on here?! 4) Yeah! 5) How can we throw him outside in this weather?! 4)If we let him stay in the house he may get suspicious. 5) If we throw him outside he may get even more suspicious. 1) If I were him I’d be suspicious already. 6) Oh who cares! That guy doesn’t matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour! The police will be there by then and there are two dead bodies in the STUDY!!! ALL) SHHHHHH!!!! 1) Well, there still is some confusion as to whether there is anyone in this house. 2) I told you there isn’t! 1) There isn’t any confusion or there isn’t anyone else? 2) Either… or both. 1) Would you just give me a straight answer? 2) Certainly… what was the question? 1) IS THERE ANYONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE?!? ALL) NO!!!
1) We had had a very humiliating public confrontation, he was deranged … lunatic. He didn’t actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public.
2) Why would he want to kill you in public?
3) I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
SCARLET: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
WHITE: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn’t you say?
1) We’re like the Mounties…always get our man 2) Mrs. Peacock was a man?!
1) Well, if anyone’s got to break the ice, it might as well be me, I mean I’m used to being a hostess as part of my husband’s work and it’s always difficult when a group of friends get together for the first time to get acquainted, so I’m perfectly prepared to start the balling rolling, I mean I have absolutely no idea what we’re doing here or what I’m doing here or what this place is about, but I’m determined to enjoy myself, very intrigued, and oh my, this soup’s delicious, isn’t it? 2) You say you’re used to being a hostess, it’s part of your husband’s work? 1) Yes, well, when you’re the wife of a… oh, but then we’re not supposed to mention who we really are, though, heavens to betsy, I don’t know why. 3) Don’t you? 4) I know who you are. 5) Aren’t you going to tell us? 1) How do you know who I am? 4) I work for the government, too. 6) So, you’re a politians wife? 1) Yes, I am. 3) Well, come on then. Who’s your husband?
1) What are you afraid of? A fate worse than death? 2) No, just death. Isn’t that enough?
1) Where’s the lightswitch?
2 Search me
1) Alright
2) Get your mitts off me!
1) You want to go up in front of me? 2) Absolutely not. 1) I’m sure no one’s up there. 2) Then you go in front. 1) All right.
1)Are you a cop?
2)No, I’m a plant.
1) A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
1)But he was your second husband. Your first husband also dissappeared.2)But that was his job, he was an illusionist.
1)But he never reappeared.2)He wasn’t a very good illusionist.
1)But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark. Will anyone go with me? 2)I will. 3)I will. 4)No thank you.
1)But that was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared. 2)That was his job. He was an illusionist. 1) But he never reappeared! 2) He wasn’t a very good illusionist.
1)He had threatened to kill me in public.
2)Why would he want to kill her in public?
3)I think she means he threatened, in public, to kill her.
1)Is this place for you?
2)Oh, indeed, no sir. I’m merely a humble butler.
1)And what exactly do you do?
2)I buttle, sir.
1)My husband is a paid consultant; there is nothing wrong with that! 2)Not if it’s publicly declared. Perhaps. But if the payment were made by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men’s room, how would you describe that transaction? 3)I’d say it stinks. 1)Oh, how would you know, when were you in that men’s room?
1)There’s no need to shout. 2) I’M NOT SHOUTING….ALRIGHT I’M SHOUTING, I’M SHOUTING, I’M SHOUTING, I’M SHOU (gets hit on the head with a candlesitick and he falls to the floor)
1)We should have made sure he was dead!
2) How? By cutting his head off, I suppose.
3) That wasn’t called for.
1)Well, how do you know Colonel Mustard then? Was he one of your clients? 2)Certainly not! 1)I was asking Miss Scarlet. 2)Well, you tell him it’s not true. 3)It’s not true. 2)Is that true? 3)No, it’s not true. 1)Ah-ha, so it is true! 4)A double negative. 2)Double negative? You mean you have photographs?
1)What are you waiting for? Go on, I’ll be right behind you. 2) That’s what I’m afraid of.
1)Who had the dagger anyway? It was YOU Mrs. Peacock, wasn’t it? 2)Yes, but I put it down! 3)Where? 2)In the study. 1)When? 2)I don’t know. Uh, before I fainted…after I fainted…I DON’T KNOW!
1)Who would want to kill the cook? 2) Dinner wasn’t that bad. 3) How cna you make joles at a time like this? 2) It’s my defince meganisem. 3) Some defince. You know if I was the murder, I’d kill you next. (Every one stares at him.) 3) If, I said If
1)Why are you shooting that thing at us? 2)To get you out! 1) You could have shot us, I could’ve been killed!
1-He threatened to kill me in public. 2-Why would he want to kill you in public? 3-I think she means he threatened, in public, to kill her.
1-You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs! Every cook will tell you that!
2-But look what happened to the cook!!!
1-You cannot make an omelet without breaking some eggs, every cook will tell you that! 2-But look what happenend to the cook!
1-You know what male doctors aren’t supposed to do with their patients? 2-Yeah? 1-Well, he did
1. And, Colnel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colnel’s pay. 2. I don’t. I came into money during the war when I lost my mommy and daddy.
1. Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock? 2. Yes–what?–No–why? 1. It just seems that you are. You seem to suffer from what we call ‘pressure of speech’. 3. We? Who’s we? Are you a shrink? 1. I do know a little about psychological medicine, yes.
1. Are you locking me in? I’ll take the key. 2. Over my dead body, sir.
1. Come back to the study with us. 2. With the murderer? 3. There is safety in numbers, my dear.
1. Don’t you remember your fatal mistake? You told us at dinner that we were eating one of your favorite recipes, and monkey’s brains though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C. 2. Is that what we ate?
1. I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service, which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while. 2. Oh, yeah? What’s the telephone number?
1. I suggest that we take the cook’s body into the study. 2. Why? 1. I’m the butler. I like to keep the kitchen tidy.
1. Is there a little girls’ room in the hall? 2. Oui, oui, madame. 1. No, I just need to powder my nose.
1. Is this the right address to meet Mr. Boddy? 2. Ah, you must be Mr. Green. 1. Yes. 2. SIT!…No, not you sir.
1. Like the mounties, we always get our man. 2. Mrs. Peacock was a man?
1. She’s going to faint! 2. Somebody catch her! 1. I’ll catch you. Here, fall into my arms. (Mrs. Peacock falls toward Wadsworth’s arms, but falls straight through, and onto the floor). Sorry.
1. Shouldn’t we wait for the other guest? 2. I will keep something warm for him. 3. What did you have in mind, dear?
1. So, it was you. I was going to expose you. 2. I know, so I choose to expose myself. 3. Please, there are ladies present. 2. You thought that Mr. Boddy was dead, but why? None of you had even met him until this evening. 1. You’re Mr. Boddy! (Wadsworth laughs evilly). 4. Wait a minute! So, who did I kill? 2. My butler. 4. Oh, shucks! 2. He was expendable like all of you. I really am grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now, there is no evidence against me.
1. That’s what we call overkill. 2. That’s what we call psychotic.
1. Those were the photographs that Colnel Mustard earlier referred to. Pictures of him and Yvette in flagrante delecto. 2. Mr. Boddy threatened to send those to my dear old mother. The shock would have killed her. 3. That would have been an achievementement, since you told us that she’s dead already.
1. Wait a minute! So who did I kill? 2. My butler. 1. Oh, shucks.
1. Was the cop working for Mr. Boddy, too? 2. The cop was from Washington. He was on my payroll. I bribed him once a week so that I could carry on with business. Mr. Boddy found out…somehow. 1. Oh, my God. 2. Oh, please. 3. And the singing telegram girl…? 4. She was my patient once. I had an affair with her. That’s how I lost my license. Mr. Boddy found that out, too.
1. We could expose you, six murders. 2. I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N., Professor Plum, if it’s revealed that you’ve not only been implicated in adultery with one of your patioents, but in her death, AND the deaths of five other people.
1. What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death? 2. No, just death.
1. What room is this? 2. Search me. 1. Okay. (Starts to frisk her). 2. Get your mitts off me.
1. Why should the police come? Nobody’s called them. 2. You mean…? 1. That’s right. Now, I suggest that we stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and pretend that none of this ever happened.
1. Will you stop that? 2. No.
1. Your first husband disappeared. 2. But that was his job. He was an illusionist. 1. But he never reappeared. 2. He wasn’t a very good illusionist.
1. Are you the host? 2. No, I’m just the humble butler. 1.And what exaclty is it that you do? 1. I buttle sir.
1. He threatened to kill me in public… 2. Why would he want to kill you in public? 3. I think she meant he threatened in public, to kill her. 2. Oh.
1. Officer! I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.
2. Why not?
1. Cause it’s all too shocking.
2. It’s not all that shocking, these folks are just having a good time.
3. Officer!
2. You’re too late, I’ve seen it all.
3. You have? Look I can explain everything.
3. You don’t have to.
3. I don’t?
3. Don’t worry, there’s nothing illegal about anything in this place.
1. Are you sure?
2. Of course this is America.
1. I see.
2. It’s a free country don’t you know that?
1. Well I didn’t know it was THAT free.
1. Oh my god! how do you get into that position? 2. Here, I’ll show you (pushes 1 down onto sofa and climbs on top of her). 1. Get off me!
1. shut the door. did anyone recognize you? 2. they must have, and not just my face. they know every inch of my body. and they are not the only ones. ITS YOU!
1.Why is the car stopped? 2. It’s frightened.
1.You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that. 2.But look what happened to the cook!!!
1: …the shock would’ve killed her.
2: Well, that would’ve been quite an achievement since you told us she was dead already.
1: And there are TWO DEAD BODIES IN THE STUDY!!! Group: SHHHHHHHH!!!!!
1: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
2: You don’t need any help from me, sir.
1: That’s right.
1: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared. 2: But that was his job. He was an illusionist. 1: But he never reappeared! 2: He wasn’t a very good illusionist.
1: Can I use your phone? 2: Of course you may, Officer. You can use the one in the l- No… You could use the one in the stu- No… Would you be so kind as to wait in the… in- in the uh- um, library?
1: He had always threatened to kill me in public. 2: Why would he want to kill you in public? 3: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her. 2: Oh.
1: Hello, have you given any thought to the kingdom of heaven? 2: WHAT?? 1: REPENT. The kingdom of heaven is at hand! 3: You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie! 1: Armageddon is almost upon us! 4: I’ve got news for you: It’s already here! 2: GO AWAY!! 1: But your souls are in danger! 2: Our LIVES are in danger, ya beat-nick!
1: I’ll book you for false arrest! And wrongful imprisonment! And obstructing an officer in the course of his duty! And murder! 2: What do you mean ‘murder’?! 1: I just said it so you would open the door!
1: Is this place for our host? 2: No sir, for the seventh guest, Mr. Boddy. 3: I thought Mr. Boddy WAS our host.
1: Is this place for you? 2: Indeed no, sir. I’m merely a humble butler. 1: And what exactly do you do? 2: I buttle, sir. 2: Which means what?
1: Just checking.
2: Everything alright?
1: Yup, two corpses, everything’s fine.
1: Monkeys’ brains, thought popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often found in Washington DC! 2: Is THAT what we ate?
1: Oh, that guy doesn’t matter! Let him stay, locked up for another half an hour! The police will be there by then, and there are TWO DEAD BODIES IN THE STUDY!!!! Group: SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
1: Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten anyone! 2: You’re a bit late for that!
1: There’s still one thing I don’t understand. 2: ONE thing??
1: This man’s drunk. Dead drunk.
2: Dead right.
1: You’re not driving home are you?
3: He won’t be driving home, officer, I promise you that.
1: Somebody’ll get him a lift, huh?
2: We’ll get him a car.
3: A long black car.
2: A limousine.
1: Well, where is it? 2: Oh, you mean the body? 1: I meant the phone. What body? 2: Oh there’s no body. There’s nobody in the study.
1: Why has the car stopped? 2: It’s frightened.
1: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone? 2: I don’t know! He’s on everyone else’s, why shouldn’t he be on mine?
1: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone? 2: I don’t know. He’s on everyone else’s, why shouldn’t he be on mine?
1: [Name], you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur. 2: Yes, and now I work for the United Nations. 1: So your work has not changed.
A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
And i am a homosexual. I feel no shame, or guilt in any of this. but i must keep my secret
And just, just flames shooting out of the side of my face!
And Mrs. Peacock sat here, and Professor Plum sat here . . .
(acts as if slurping soup)
and Mrs. White sat here . . .
(imitates them slurping soup)
and Mr. Green, Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard.
This chair (indicates the head) was vacant.
Anyway, we all revealed we’d all received a letter.
(points at various chairs)
And you’d had a letter, and you’d had a letter, and you’d had a letter–
And then the door bell rang! (doorbell rings)
And to make a long story short… TOO LATE!
But eet eez dark upstairs, and I am frightened of zee dark. Will anyone go with me?
But I am frightened of the dark, will anyone go with me??
But look what happened to the cook!!
Can I interest anyone in fruit or dessert?
can i interest anyone in fruit or dessert? well, in that case, shall we adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy?
Col. Mustard – I prefer Kipling, the female of the species is more deadly
then the male. You like Kipling Mrs. Scarlet?
Mrs. Scarlet – Sure, I’ll eat anything.
Col.Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?!
Wadsworth: You don’t need any help from me, sir.
Col.Mustard: That’s right!
Col.Mustard: Is this place for you?
Wadsworth: No sir, I am merely a humble butler
Col.Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I butle, sir
Communism is just a red herring.
Communism was just a red herring.
COP
Let me out of here!
Let me out of here, you have no right to shut me in!
I’ll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment,
and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty!
And murder!
Cop – Your too late, I’ve seen it all
Wadsworth – You have?! I can explain!!
Cop – You dont have to
Wadsworth – I dont?
Cop – No! Theres nothing illigal about any of this!
Wadsworth – There isnt?
Cop – Of course not! This is America, its a free country! Dont you
know that?
Wadsworth – I didnt know it was THAT free…
da da la da! I am your signing telegram…BANG!
Do you like kipling miss scarlet? Sure i’ll eat anything.
Don’t be ridiculous.
If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?
Don’t show my mother, The shock would kill her… (Col. Mustard)
Evangelist: But your souls are in danger! Peacock: OUr lives are in danger, you beetnik!
Even if you’re right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not ‘one plus TWO plus one plus one’.
Even if you’re right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus two plus one plus one.
evvett was in here alone waiting to serve u all a glass of champane. now i was in the hall……i know because i was there
evvett:but..who will go with me
colonel mustard: i will
professor: i will
mr green: not me
FBI. That call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me.
Flames! Flames! On the side of my face!
Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Frankly, Miss Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.
Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t gove a damn.
Good shot, Green…Very good.
Green: They all did it. But if you want to know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did, in the hall, with the revolver.
Green: I’m a plant.
Scarlet: A plant? I thought guys like you were usually called a fruit.
Green: Very funny.
green: MRS.PECOCK WAS A MAN!!
(slaps)
GREEN: You’re Mr. Boddy! (WADSWORTH laughs)
PLUM: WAIT! If you’re Mr. Boddy, who did I kill?!
WADSWORTH: My butler. He was expendable like all of you!
Guy at the door:Have you ever gave any thought to the kingdom of heaven?
Mrs.Peacock:What!?
GATD:Repent! The kingdom of heaven is at hand.
Ms.Scarlet:You ain’t just whistlin dixie!
GATD:Armaggedon is almost upon on!
Mr.Green:I got news for you it’s already here!
GATD:But your souls are in danger!
Mrs.Peacock:Our lives are in danger ya beatnick!
He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man, I mean, I’m afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died.
He was always a very stupidly optimistic man. I’m afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died. His head had been cut off, so had his… you know. I was out all day at the movies.
Do you miss him?
Well, it’s a matter of life or death. Now that he’s dead, I have a life.
his head and his uhm… ya know… was cut off… *guys cross legs*
Husbands are like tissue, soft, strong and disposible.
Husbands should be like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable.
Husbands should be like tissues, soft, strong and disposable.
I asked you for your coat, and I recognized you as Colonel Mustard
and I prevented you from telling your real name because I didn’t want
any of you to use any name other than your pseudonym and I
introduced myself to you as a butler and I ran across the Hall
to the library!
I can’t take anymore scares! >CRASH< *chandelier smashes to the ground behind him*
I enjoy getting presents from strange men.
I had to stop her from screaming!
I Hated Her So Much..There Were Flames..Flames From The Sides Of My Face..
I really am grateful to you for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Save me a lot of trouble.
I think she means he threatened, in public, to kill her.
I thought men like you were usually called a fruit
I was a victim, too; at least my wife was. She had friends who were… *choking back tears*… socialists. *all other guests gasp* Well, we all make mistakes…
I was in the hall… I know, because I was there.
I was in the hall..I know because I was there.
I wonder if this is the shower? Splash
I’m afraid I’m a little bit accident prone.
I’m going home to have sex with my wife.
I’m going home to sleep with my wife
I’m going home to sleep with my wife.
I’m not shouting! All right, I am. I’m shouting, I’m shouting, I’m shou–*clonk*
I’m only a guest!
I’m sorry … I’m a little accident-prone
I’m the butler. What exactly do you do? I butle sir.
If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?
In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I’ll see to that in court, but, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. (Laughs). I suggest we take him up on that offer. The only way to avoid finding yourself on the front page is for one of you to kill Wadsworth…now.
Is the FBI capable of cleaning up after multiple murders? Of course why do you think it’s run by a man called Hoover?
is this chair for you no sir i am realy a humble butler what exacly do you do i buttle sir which means what
It’s a matter of life after death. Now that he’s dead, I have a life.
It’s all about life after death. After death, you get a life! ~Mrs. White
It’s you and me, honey bunch!
Its Mr.boddy! Hes attacking her
Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage
Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage
Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.
Looks like it’s you and me honeybunch.
Monkey’s brains, while popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often found in Washington, D.C.!
Mr. Boddy, dead…again?
Mr. Body dead! AGAIN.
Mr. Body’s body is gone.
Mr.Green:…and if you wanna know who killed Mr.Body…it was me…in the hall, with the revolver.
FBIGuy:Good work Green.
Mr.Green:Now if you’ll excuse me…I’m gonna go home and sleep with my wife!
Mrs. Peacock was a man!??!?!
Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.
MUSTARD
How did you know that?
WADSWORTH
(to Mustard)
Can you keep a secret?
MUSTARD
(leaning in)
Yes.
WADSWORTH
So can I.
MUSTARD
This is war, Peacock! Casualties are inevitable.
You cannot without breaking eggs–every cook will tell you that.
PEACOCK
But look what happened to the cook!
Mustard: (to Wadsworth)So is this seat for you?
Wadsworth: No sir I’m merely a humble butler
Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I butle sir
nd the doorbell rang, and it was you, I asked you for your coat, adn I recognized yu as (name) and I prevented you from telling me your real name b/c I didnt want any of you to use any name other than your psuedonymn, I introduced myself to you as the butler, and we hurried across the hall to the library!
Never mind about the key, unlock the door. We cant unlock the door without the key!
No man in his right mind would be alone together with you.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go home and sleep with my wife!
One day we’ll be looking through a microscope and find ourselves looking straight into God’s eyes. And the first one that blinks, loses his testicles.
One plus two plus one plus one.
One Plus Two Plus Two Plus One Is… *CRASH*
P: Look! W: What? P: The body’s gone! PC: What are you all staring at? G: Nothing PC: Well, who’s there? W: Nobody. PC: What do you mean? W: Nobody. No body. That’s what we mean. Mr. Boddy’s body, it’s gone! Wh: Maybe he wasn’t dead? P: He was Wh: We should’ve made sure PC: How? By cutting his head off, I suppose. Wh: That was uncalled for. S: Where is he!? W: We better look for him!
Peacock: Is there a little girl’s room down the hall? Yvette: Oui, Oui, madame. Peacock: Oh no, I just want to powder my nose.
Picked up the daggar…RRRRAn down the hall!!
Plum: Look! The body’s gone!
Peacock: What are you all staring at?
Green: Nothing.
Peacock: Well who’s there?
Wadsworth: Nobody. No body, we mean. Mr. Boddy’s body, it’s gone.
White: Maybe he wasn’t dead.
Plum: He was!
White: We should’ve made sure.
Peacock: How, by cutting head off, I suppose.
White: That wasn’t called for.
Scarlet: Where is he?
Mustard: We better look for him.
PP: The door’s locked! Mr. G: I KNOW! PP: So unlock it! Mr. G: Where’s the key? Wadsworth: The key’s gone! PP: Never mind about the key! Unlock the door! Mr. G: I CAN’T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!!!!!!!!
Practice makes perfect. I think most men need a little practice, don’t you Mrs. Peacock.
Prof. Plum: Never mind about the key! Unlock the door! Mr. G: I CAN’T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!!
Remember what happened next? Mrs. Peacock took a drink. Professor Plum, you said, ‘Maybe he was poisoned’. Mrs. Peacock screamed (Wadsworth screams in falsetto, then grabs Mrs. Peacock who helpfully (?) starts to scream and leads her toward the couch, then sits her down). Mr. Green… (Wadsworth slaps Mrs. Peacock). ‘Well, I had to stop her screaming’. Then, more screaming. Yvette, the billiard room. We all rushed out.
Scarlet- Anyone could’ve picked it up you, HIM-pointing to Yvette
Scarlet: Do you miss him? White: Well, it’s a matter of life after death. Now that he’s dead, I have a life.
Scarlet: Looks like there is life after death. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marrige!
She (Yvette) had been in the billiard room listening to our conversation. She heard the gunshot and thought that she was dead, and while we all examined the bullet hole, she crept into the study, picked up the dagger, ran down to the kitchen and stabbed the cook. We didn’t hear the cook scream, because Mrs. Peacock was screaming about the poisioned brandy. Then, Yvette returned to the billiard room. She screamed, and we all ran to her.
So, to make a long story short-(All)-Too late!!!
Sorry didn’t mean to frighten any one. You’re a bit late for that!
Take it, Mr. Slave!
Take your hands off me! I’m a senator’s wife!
Telegram girl: Datatatata…I am your singing telegram.
Boom. She gets shot!
That would be one plus one plus TWO plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.
That’s one plus two plus one…oh, shut up! The point is, there’s one bullet left in this gun, and guess who’s going to get it.
The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the gun is the murderer.
There’s no alternative! I’ll just have to break it down! (WADSWORTH slams his shoulder against the door and collapses in pain)
There’s no Body in the Study.
They all did it, but if you want to know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did. In the hall, with the revolver. Okay, chief, take ’em away. I’m going to go home and sleep with my wife.
They’re shooting at us!
This is war, Peacock! Casualties are inevitable. You cannot make an omelet with out breaking eggs, every cook’ll tell you that. But look what happened to the cook!
True!
Who are you, Perry Mason?
True! Who are you? Perry Mason?
True!! Who are you, Perry Mason??
WADSWORTH
And, to make a long story short–
ALL
Too late.
WADSWORTH
–one by one, you all arrived.
WADSWORTH
I’m sorry. Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry,
specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics
suffering from delusions of grandeur.
PLUM
Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
WADSWORTH
So your work has not changed.
But you don’t practice medicine at the U.N.
His license to practice has bee lifted, correct?
Wadsworth (1): But one of us wasn’t here. (nasally) No. Group (echoing): No. Wadsworth (nasally again): No.
Wadsworth (1): You’re alive! Yvette (2): No thanks to you. Wadsworth (1): What do you mean? Yvette (2): You locked me up with the murderer, you idiot! Mrs. White (3): So, the murderer is in this room. Yvette (2): Mai oui. Mr. Green (4): But where? Yvette (2): Where? Here! We are all looking at him, or her. It’s what Mrs. White said in the study. One of you is the killer. Professor Plum (5): How did you know we said that? Yvette (2): I was listening! Mrs. White (3): But why were you screaming in here all by yourself? Yvette (2): Because it also frightened me, too. I also drank zee cognac. Mon dieu. (sobs). I cannot stay in here by myself. Miss Scarlett (6): Come back to the study with us. Yvette (2): With the murderer? Colnel Mustard (7): There is safety in numbers…my dear.
Wadsworth – Dont Deny it
Mrs. Scarlett – What do you mean, dont deny it, im not denying anything!
Wadsworth – Another denial…
Wadsworth: And that’s where you made your fatal mistake. You said that we were eating one of your favorite recipes. And monkey brains, though popular in — cuisine, is very rare to find in —.
Green: Is that what we ate?
Wadsworth: It’s just like the Mounties. We always get our man. Mr. Green: MRS. PEACOCK WAS A MAN?!?!
Wadsworth: it’s like the Mounties. We always get our man!
Green: Mrs. Peacock was a MAN???
WADSWORTH: Like the Mounties, we always get our man!
GREEN: Mrs. Peacock was a man?! (WADSWORTH & MUSTARD both slap GREEN)
WADSORTH: Would anyone care to adjourn to the study for fruit or dessert?
wadsworth: you must be mister green
(to the dogs)SIT!!! (Mr. Green sits)
wadsworth: no sir,… not u
well somebodys got to break the ice and it might as well be me. I mean i’m used to being a hostess, its part of my husband’s work and its always difficult when a group of new people meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so i’m perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling. i mean i have absolutely no idea what we’re doing here or what i’m doing here or what this place is about but i am determined to enjoy myself and very intrigued and oh my this soup’s delicious
Well, I may as well get the ball rolling. Afterall, I’m used to it as part of my husband’s work. I know it’s hard when a bunch of new friends get together for the first time to get aquainted. I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing here, but I am determined to enjoy myself. And I’m very intrigued. And, oh my, this soup’s delicious, isn’t it?
What the hell, I’ll go first; I’ve had a good life.
While Mrs. Peacock was screaming, one of us could have picked up the dagger, run down the hall, and stabbed the cook.
While we stood here trying to stop Yvette from panicking, one of us could have stayed in the study, picked up the dagger, run down the hall, and stabbed the cook.
WHITE
(to Peacock)
Well, I am willing to believe you.
I too am being blackmailed for something I didn’t do.
GREEN
Me too.
MUSTARD
And me.
SCARLET
Not me.
WADSWORTH
You’re not being blackmailed?
SCARLET
Oh, I’m being blackmailed, all right.
But I did what I’m being blackmailed for.
WHITE: (screaming)WADSWORTH: Don’t worry! I’m coming…(opens door)…what’s this? another door? (shower turns on)
White: are you going in there? Wadsworth: I don’t see any light switches. White: either do I but they’ve got to be in there somehwere. (both take 2 steps in the jump back out)
why did the car stop ?…..its frightened
Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
Why would he want to kill you in public? I believe she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her. Oh.
Will you shut up? We’re doing our best!
WILL YOU STOP THAT!!! No.
WOMAN
Why is the car stopped?
MAN
It’s frightened.
Woman 1: He threatened to kill me in public.
Woman 2: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Man: I believe she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Woman 2: Oh.
Would anyone care for fruit or dessert?
Yada,dadada,da! I am your singing telegram >BANG!
Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her *so* much, it was like flames, FLAMES on the side of my face…breathing, breathless, heaving breathes…heaving…
Yes, yes I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her SO much, it-it-it flamed, flames, flames on the side of my face, heaving, breathing, heaving breaths, heaving–
Yes. I killed Yvette. I hated her sooo… much. Flames. Flames on the side of my face. Breathing, breathless, heaving breaths…..
You can pay me in government information, all of you. Except you, Wadsworth. You, as a mere butler, have no access to government secrets, so I’m afraid your time has come.
Yvette will you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he desires … whithin reasin that is.
Yvette will you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he desires … within reason that is.
Yvette, could you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he requires? *looks Yvette up and down* Within reason, that is.
Yvette: But it eez dark upstairs, and I am frightened of zee dark. Will anyone go weez me? Plum: I will. Mustard: I will. Green: No thank you.
[doorbell]
Oh, whoever it is, they’ve gotta go away or they’ll be killed!
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