‘ello look i’m lord vader and just pay abloodytention, alright
luke, luke the force is quite strong with you
is it
yeah
well who told you that
uh, some bloke. yeah he said the force is really rather strong with you.
well how strong
as strong as a small pony
well that’s quite strong that is.
1: Cake or death? 2: Uh, cake please. 1: All right… You, cake or death? 2: Cake please! 1:Here. Next! You, cake or death? 2: Death please. No, cake! 1: You said death first! 2: I know, but I meant cake! 1: Oh, all right. You’re lucky we’re Church of England… You, cake or death? 2: Cake please. 1: Too bad! We’re out of cake. We only had three bits. 2: So my choice is ‘or death’?!
Ah t his is where our God has brought us to. We can practice our religion here and raise a family. There’s nobody here…excuse me…a land bereft of human existence…who the fuck are these guys? what’s all this please? no we don’t want any of your food thank you very much. just put some clothes on…meanwhile that winter…excuse me do you have any food? I love all this! Sorry we were a bit brusque when we first arrived. We didn’t realize you owned the entire country. But you have no system of ownership…hmm…interesting…maybe that can come in useful later…ah food thank you very much. yes there are more of us coming but we’ll keep our promises. So the American Government lied to the Native Americans for many many years. And then President Clinton lied about a relationship and everyone was surprised…a little naiive I feel.
And kids eat chocolate eggs because the color of the chocolate and the color of the wood on the cross…well you tell me. Its got nothing to do with it has it? Kids eating the chocolate eggs and their parents are saying ‘Remember kids, Jesus died for your sins.’ ‘Yeah I know its great!’ ‘No its bad’ ‘No its bad…whatever you want just keep giving me these eggs. And baby Jesus was born to big jolly guy in a red suit…Ho ho ho Baby Jesus and what would you like for Christmas? Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men…well what about a clockwork train? oh much better I don’t care. forget it!
And the Druids are standing there saying – ‘heave everyone heave! Well done everyone, you’re doing very well! You’re going to love it. I’ve seen some of the drawings…very special’
And the Druids, long white beards, long white gowns, early transvestites…couldn’t get their shaving together
cable cars are fun everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey
Dr. Hemilich who woke up one day and thought…a fist…a hand hoocha hoocha hoocha…lobster
England?! What? What’s that behind your back? Oh it’s India and a number of other countries. Well give them back.
Henry VIII, big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, ‘Mr. Pope, I’m gonna marry my first wife, then I’m gonna divorce her. Now I know what you’re going to say, but stick with me, my story gets better. Second wife, I’m gonna kill her. Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam…’ And the Pope is saying, ‘You crazy bugger! You can’t do all this, what are you a Morman? It’s illegal! What have you been reading? The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!’
Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire. so that’s fun. I think that’s funny because he was a mass murdering fuckhead. And that was his honeymoon as well. Double trouble. Eva let’s marry. Well where shall our honeymoon be? In a ditch covered in petrol on fire I’ve already arranged it upstairs. Oh how romantic Adolf. Yes I thought
Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. So that’s fun. And it’s funny, because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead.
Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid.
Hitler was a vegetarian painter so he was probably sitting there…’I can’t get the fucking trees. Damn, I will kill everyone in the world!
I am a proffessional transvestite, so I can run in heels and not fall over.
I grew up in England, where the history comes from.
I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women, hot and strong…with a spoon in them
I was making one of those post virginity breakfasts. Breakfast cereal, bacon and eggs, bit of coffee bubbling away, freshly squeezed mango juice. She’s saying you’re very chipper this morning. I’m like yeah cause of last night heh heh Lost my virginity! Oh yeah with who?
I’d go into film studiios and I would creep around hoping that a man with a big cigar would say ‘Hey a creeping kid for my film The Creeping Kid’
If a woman falls over in heels that’s embarassing but if a bloke falls over in heels then you have to kill yourself.
In the words of Albert Schweizer I fancy you! But no at 13 you say Hello Sue. I’ve got legs. do you like bread? Here I got a French loaf. Bye! I love you!
Italy invented fascism, but most Italian people are all on motorcycles going Ciao! Mussolini said right we’re all fascists…uh alright…Ciao! No helmet on…vroom…They’re not fascists everyones cool and hangs out
Napolean had been storming in there I’m gonna kill I’m gonna kill oh…its a bit cold its a bit cold…then Hitler decided I’ve got a better idea I’ve got a better idea…oh its the same idea its the same idea
Nobody builds henges like that anymore. Nobody knows what the fuck a henge is.
Not premature. MATURE ejaculation, MATURE!Post mature!
Oh you’re a plumber, what on earth is that?
People of Berlin I say to you Ich bin ein Berliner and the crowd went fucking wild!…trouble is Ich bin ein Berliner means I am a doughnut.
Russian front not a good idea. Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid
Squirrels always eat with two hands and occasionaly they look up as if they’re going, Did I leave the gas on? No I’m a fucking squirrel!
Stonehenge…one of the biggest henges in the world!
tea and cake or death. tea and cake or death. little red cookbook. little red cookbook.
The American National Anthem is a bit hazy in the middle, I’ve noticed. And the fish in the sky…and a baked monkey’s pie
The army has a strick ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy toward the alternate sexes…but if you’re a bloke wearing a lot of makeup I don’t think they need to ask.
The Faulkland Islands, oh We need the Faulkland Islands? Why? For strategic sheep purposes.
The fog is faster than the fucking taxis…of which there are five
The military is missing a huge opportunity, because we all know one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise. So what could be more surprising than the first batallion transvestite brigade? Airborne wing parachuting in with fantastic makeup! And a fantastic gun. The opposing forces are going ‘Fucking hell look at these guys eh?…they’ve got guns! they’ve got guns!Jesus where’s my gun? I was so surprised were you surprised I was surprised
The National Rifle Association says that guns don’t kill people, people do. But I think the gun helps, you know? I just think just standing there going ‘Bang!’ That’s not going to kill too many people, is it?
The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England…Talk! But it hurts! Aw..loosen it up a bit will you?
There’s not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that’s a bit slapdash, isn’t it?
They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth how lucky is that?
We couldn’t put a man in a track suit up a ladder!
We stole countries. That’s how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. ‘I claim India for Britain!’ And they’re going, ‘You can’t claim us! We live here! There’s five hundred million of us!’ ‘Do you have a flag?’ ‘We don’t need a flag, this is our country, you bastard!’ ‘No flag, no country! Those are the rules that… I just made up!’
We’ve got 200 languages in Europe! 200! Count them! I know you WON’T!!!
Wrong shade of lipstick for the army I’m afraid..
You fucking bastards! 200 miles in this day and age? I don’t even know where I live now!
You pronounce it it ‘erbs’, we pronounce it ‘herbs’ because there’s a fucking H in it.
You tear your history down man!
[on landing on the moon] You can’t go out onto the moon in the first time in the history of the ever ever, and go, ‘Oh, it’s all STICKY!…it’s covered in jam!’
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill’: Quotes from the movie ‘Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill’