Alright, bub. Your fu**ing head is comin’ right off.
(1) Frank Burns has gone nuts! I’m wearing glasses for God sakes.
(2) Watch out for you goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac, I don’t think Hotlips satisfied him. Don’t let him kiss you, Hawkeye.
(1) I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps?
(2) He was drafted.
(1) I’ll bet she’s not a real blond.
(2) How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.
(1) Where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.
(2) Back home. I told you before.
(1) No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you like a resident, or on staff someplace?
(2) Umm.
(1) Where?
(2) Hospital.
(1) Which hospital?
(2) Back home.
(1) Is there some reason I shouldn’t know which hospital?
(3) I don’t know, I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital? There doesn’t appear to be any reason.
(opening song)
Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see…
that suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it’s too late, and…
The game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I’m beat
and to another give my seat
for that’s the only painless feat.
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger…watch it grin, but…
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied ‘oh why ask me?’
‘Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
…and you can do the same thing if you please.
–Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?
–No sir. That’s the one he came in.
–Doctor, this man is a prisoner of war.
–So are you, nurse. You just don’t know it.
–Don’t you use olives?
–Olives? Where the hell do you think you are, man?
…and it gets longer all the time. Now I’ve got your souls to pray for too.
1) It’s alright fella’s. I know you’ve been talking about me, but I came to tell you that I plan to commit suicide. I’m kind of new at this so i was looking for any suggestions. 2) Black capsule. 1) Black capsule…do you think it will work? 2) It worked for Hitler it’ll work for you.
1) My God, they’ve shot him! 2)Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop, it’s the end of the quarter.
1)How could a deviant like him ever reach a rank of such responsibility?2)He was drafted.
1.) Henry, I have some reports here from your Major O’Houlihan that I frankly find hard to believe.
2.) Well, don’t believe them then, General. Good-bye.
1/_Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pro’s from Dover and we figure to crack this kid’s chest and get out to the golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch….Ham and eggs will be all right… Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her TITS in my way!
2/_Really!!!
3/_ How would you like your steak?
1/_Oh, I have another idea, I think we should have some [football]*plays* … I really think we should have some organised *plays*
2/_If you don’t mind sir, I took the liberty of writing up about 7 or 8 plays, I think this is about all this bunch can handle
1/_ [reading] Oh yesssss, very goood, very goooood… ahh, what are these little arrows?
Col.Blake) Did Hawkeye stealthat jeep? Radar) No sir that is the one he came in. Col.Blake) Ok
Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.
Fair is fair. If I nail Hotlips, and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?
Find me a gas-passer and tell them to pre-medicate this patient. Then
have them get us some pictures, the ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now.
Frank Burns is a menace! Everytime a patient croaks on him he says it’s God’s will or somebody else’s fault.
Frank, were you on this religious kick back home or did you crack up over here?
Goddamn army.
Goddamn Army. Goddamn Army Jeep!
Hello! I am a pro from Dover and this is my special caddy.
hells bells Radar, this is a hospital
Hey Frank, were you on a religious kick back home or did you crack up over here?
How many times do you get to go to Japan with your golf clubs?
I want at least one nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
I wish they wouldn’t land those things here while we’re playing golf.
I’d like to see that thing angry
I’m a fairy…. I’m a victim of latent homosexuality
I’m Dr. Jekyll actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
I’m the same way about Pennsylvania 6500.
Kiss my hot lips!
let’s give him a sexy scar, huh?
Look, Mother. I want to go to work in one hour.
We’re the pros from Dover and we figure to crack
that kid’s chest and get out to the golf course before it’s dark.
Major League
Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. a kid will eat ivy too woulnt you?
me and you must never part monkey
My lips are hot!
No, I’m all man. I even fought in World War II. Of course, I was wearing woman’s undergarments under my uniform
No, no, no! No food, no food. Bring me sex, I want sex, bring me some sex! No, no, no! That one. Being me that one, over there. That one, the sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes! Take her clothes off, take her clothes off, and bring her to me!
No, no, no! No food, no food. Bring me sex, I want sex, bring me some sex! No, no, no! That one. Being me that one, over there. That one, the sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes! Take her clothes off, take her clothes off, and bring her to me!
Oh my God! They’ve shot him!
Oh My God, they’ve shot him
Hot-Lips, you incredible Nincompoop, it’s the end of the quarter
Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war….
Painless is a dentist and dentists shouldn’t breed
Sixty nine is divine! 69 is divine!
Suicide Is Painless.
This isn’t a hospital! It’s an insane asylum!
This isn’t a hospital, it’s an insane asylum! And, it’s your fault!
We do have to make certain concessions to the war…we’re three miles from the front line.
Why can’t we have the dog in here? Last time we had the dog in here I won $30
[at a football game]____1/_Look!!! We got a red flag!! A red flag!!!!
2/_Hotlips!! That’s a penalty, you blithering idiot!
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘M*A*S*H’: Quotes from the movie ‘M*A*S*H’