I told you, we’re an anarcho-syndicist commune, we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
#1- The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. #2- Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
#1-Now stand aside, worthy adversary. #2-‘Tis but a scratch. #1-A scratch?! Your arm’s off.#2-No it isn’t.#1-Then what’s that then. #2-I’ve had worse.
#1-What are you then? #2-I’m French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king. #3-What are you doing in England?
#2-Mind your own business.
#1-What is your name? #2-My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. #1-What is your quest? #2-To seek the Holy Grail. #1-What is your favorite color? #2-Blue. #1-Right, off you go.
‘Ello.
Excuse me but did you just say ‘hello’?
No I said ‘Ello but close enough.
‘Tis but a scratch.
’tis merely a flesh wound
( Roger)- What sad times are theese when passing rougheans can say Ni at will to old ladies.
(1) ‘Tis but a scratch. (2) A scratch?! Your arm’s off. (1) No it isn’t. (2) Well what’s that then? ::pause:: (1) I’ve had worse. (2) You liar. (1) Come on, ya panzy!
(1) So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through- (2) Where’d you get the coconuts?
(1)Who’s that? (2)Must be a King. (1)How can you tell? (2)he hasn’t got shit all over him.
(has holy hand grenade of atioch and is about to throw) KA: 1.. 2… 5- SE: Three Sir KA: 3 (throws holy hand grenade) -BOOM-
(King arthur) Look, you stupid bastard you’ve got no arms left!
( black knight) yes, i have
(King arthur) Look!
(black knight) it’s just a flesh wound
(King Arthur) You make me sad…come Patsy.
(Lancelot stabs a gaurd and runs in) (other guard looks at dead gaurd and says after Lancelot)Hey.
(singing) We’re knights of the round table, we dance and we’re able, we routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable, we dine well in Camalot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.
We’re knights of the round table, our shows are formidable, but many times we’re given rhymes that are quite unsingable, We’re opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot.
In war we’re tough and able, quite indefatigable, between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable, it’s a busy life in Camelot, I have to push the pram a lot…
(sung)Robin’s Minstrel: Bravely, bold Sir Robin, brought forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, Oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken. To have his knee caps split and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and his heart cut out and liver removed and his bottom burnt up and his penis…Robin: that’s enough singing for now lads
*Bring out your dead! Bring out your ead!
*(being dragged out) No no no I’m not dead yet!
*You will be!
*I’m getting better!
*O Lord, bless this thy holy hand grenade, that thou mayest blow thine enemies to bits, in thy mercy* And the Lord did grin…
– Look you stupid ____! You’ve got no arms left!
– Yes I have!!
-Look!
– Just a flesh wound!
–I bet you’re gay!
–I am not!
–I’m not dead yet— you will be soon
–We are now no longer the Knights who say NI! –NI! NI! –No, shut up! –We are now the Knights who say Iki iki iki iki wakkapatang!
-Hello?
-Who goes there?
-I am Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, defeater of the saxtons, sovereign of all England.
-Pull the other one!
-I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the lengths and snows of Mercia, through…
-What? ridden on a horse?
-Yes
-Your using coconuts!
-What do you mean?
-You’ve got 2 empty halves of coconut and your bangin them together!
-So? We have ridden since the snows of winter…
-Where did you get the cocnuts?
-We found them.
-Found them? In Mercia? the coconut’s tropical!
-So?
-So this is a temperate zone.
-The swallow may fly South with the sun, or the house Martin or the plover may seek warmer climates in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
-are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
-Not at all. They could be carried.
-What, a swallow carrying a coconut?
-It doesn’t matter, go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court at Camelot is here…
-Listen, in order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat it’s wings 53 times per second, right?
-Please!
-am i right?
-I’m not interested.
– It could be carried by an African swallow.
-Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that’s my point.
-Oh yeah, i agree with you there.
-Then again, uh….African swallows are non-migratory…..
-I’m invincible!!!
-You’re a loony!
-It is I Arthur king of the Britons
-king of the whooo??
-The Britons!!
-Who are the Britons???
-We are! We all are the Britons.
-Well, I didnt vote for ya.
-Tis but a scratch.
-A scratch? Your arm’s off!
-No it isnt!
-Well whats that then?
-I’ve had worse.
-We shall say Ni again to you if you do not please us
-Well what is it you want?
-We want.. A Shrubery!
…..Strange women, lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no
basis for a system of government…
…And they were forced to eat Robin’s minstrals. And there was much rejoicing….(yay!)…
…carved in mystic rune in the very living rock…
…just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!
1#The what?…but you are tired and must rest a while. Midget! Crapper!
2+3#Yes, O Zoot?
1#Prepare a bed for our quest.
2+3#Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.
1#Away varaltesses
1) Do you think it would confuse it if we run away more? 2)Oh shut up and go and change your armor!
1) Get stuffed!
2) He’ll do you up a treat, mate!
1) Good idea o Lord! 2) OF COURSE IT’S A GOOD IDEA!
1) How do you know he’s a King?
2) He’s not covered in shit.
1) How do you know she’s a witch?
2) She turned me into a newt. [Surprised looks] I got better.
1) How do you know so much about swallows? 2) Weel, you have to know these kinds of things when you’re king
1) How do you know so much about swallows? 2) well, you have to know these kinds of things when your king
1) I’m invincible 2) You’re a looney!
1) its the Bridge of Death! 2) Oh, great!
1) Now Lancelot, Gallahad and I wait until nightfall, leap out of the large wooden rabbit and take the French completely by surprise. 2) Who leaps out? 1) Lancelot, Gallahad and I…we…jump out of the rabbit, well suppose we build this large wooden badger…
1) Old woman. 2) I’m a man, and i’m not old, i’m 37. 1) Well i can’t just call you man. 2) You could call me Dennis. 1) Well i didn’t know your name was Dennis. 2) Well you didn’t bother to ask now did you?
1) Someday, lad, all this will be yours. 2) What, the curtains?
1) THERE! 2) What, behind the rabbit? 1) It is the rabbit.
1) What makes you think she’s a witch? 2) She turned me into a newt. 1) A newt? 2)I got better.
1) what ridden on a horse? 2) yes 1) you’re using coconuts! 2) what? 1) you’ve got two empty ‘alves of coconut and you’re banging em together!
1) Where are you two going? 2) We’re coming with *you*. 1) No, no, I want you to *stay* ‘ere and make sure he doesn’t leave! 2) Oh, right!
1) Who is that? 2) It must be a King. 1) How do you know? 2) He hasn’t got shit all over him.
1) why do u say she is a witch 2)she turned me into a newt!!! i got better 3) cause she looks like one 4)i didn’t dress like this they did it and this isnt my nose tis a false one 3) we did do the nose.. and the hat but she is a witch
1) You mangy, Scots git!
2) I’m warning you!
1) What’s he do? Nibble your bum?
1)(gong) BRING OUT YOUR DEAD! (gong) BRING OUT YOUR DEAD! 2)Here’s one. 3) I’m not DEAD. 1) He says he not dead. 2) Who’re you foolin? You’ll be stone cold in a minute. 3) I don’t want to go in the cart, i want to go for a walk. I feel happy. 1) Well i can’t take him like that, its against regulations. 2) Is there anything you can do? 1) (hits the old guy on the head with something) 2) Thank you
1)all ya gotta do is answer 5 questions- 2) Three sir! 1) Three questions and then you may pass
1)For since the tragic death of her father…..
2)He’s not quite dead!
1)Since the near fatal wounding of her father…..
2)He’s getting better!
1)For since her own father, who when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.
2)He’s died!
1)Make sure the prince doesn’t leave this room until I come and get him 2) Not to leave the room even if you come and get him 1) No, no, UNTIL I come and get him 3) Hiccup 2) Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room 1) No, you stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave 2) And you’ll come and get him 3) Hiccup 1) Right 2) Oh, if um, if, if, um if we..if…oh…1) Look it is very simple you stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave. 2) Oh now I remember, can he leave the room with us? 1) No just keep him in here 2) Oh yes, we’ll keep him in here obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him 1) No just keep him in here 2) Until you or anyone else 1) No not anyone else just me 2) Just you 3) Hiccup 1) Get back 2) Get back, all right we’ll stay here until you get back 1) And make sure he doesn’t leave 2) What? 3) Hiccup 1) Make sure he doesn’t leave 2) The prince? 1) Yes make sure he doesn’t leave 2) Oh yes of course, I thought you meant him, you know it seemed a bit daft for me to guard him when he’s a guard. 3) Hiccup 1) Is that clear now? 2) Oh quite clear no problems 1) Where are you going? 2) We’re coming with you 1) No I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave 2) Oh I see right [music builds] 1) AND NO SINGING 3) Hiccup 1) Oh go get a glass of water.
1)Okay, what happens now. 2)Well, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I jump out of the rabbit and catch them by suprise; and not only by suprise, but completely unarmed… 1)Uh, who jumps out? 2)Lancelot, Gallahad, and…
1)One day, lad, all this will be yours.
2)What? The curtains?
1)Stop! What… is your name? 2)’Sir Galahad of Camelot’. 1)What… is your quest? 2)I seek the Grail. 1)What… is your favourite colour? 2)Blue. No, yel– auuuuuuuugh! 1)Hee hee heh.
1)That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! 2)You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
1)What are you then? 2)I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent you silly king?
1)What do we burn besides witches? 2)More witches!!!!!!
1)WHAT is you’re name? 2)I am Arthur king of the Britons. 1)WHAT is you’re quest? 2)I seek the Holy Grail. 1)WHAT is the air-speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow? 2)What do you mean, and African or a European swallow.
1)What’s your favorite color?
2) Blue! No, yel…! AAHH!
1)would it confuse it more if we ran away MORE? 2)Oh, shut up, and gio and change your armor
1-Look you stupid bastard you’ve got no arms left! 2-Yes I have!
1-LOOK! 2-It’s just a flesh wound.
1-One day lad, all this will be yours. 2-What, the curtains? 1No, not the curtains lad!
1-What do you do with witches? 2-Burn! Burn, burn them up! 1-And what do you burn apart from witches? 2-More witches! 3-Wood! 1-So, why do witches burn? [pause] 2-B–… ’cause they’re made of wood…? 1-Good!
1. And what do we burn apart from witches? 2. (thinking, thinking)…MORE WITCHES!!!!
1. But mother-2. father 1. but father
1. Fetche la vache. 2. Eh? 3. Fetch la vache!
1. How do you know she is a witch? 2. She turned me into a newt! 1. A newt?!? 2. (pause) Well i got better.
1. Listen! alice-2. Herbert! 2. herbert
1. Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I’m being repressed! 2. Bloody peasant! 1. Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn’t you?
1. Order eh? who do you think you are? 2. well im your king, 1.well i didnt vote for you, 2.you dont vote for kings!
1. She turned me into a newt!
2. A newt?!
1. I got better.
1. Sir. Lancelot! you got my note! 2.Well i got A note
1. We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked. 2. Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretty nasti…. 3. We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.
1. We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. 2. I don’t think I was. 1. Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril. 2. Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. 1. No, it’s too perilous.
2. Look, it’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
1. No, we’ve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! 2. Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril? 1. No. It’s unhealthy. 1. I bet you’re gay. 2. No, I’m not.
1. What floats beside wood? 2. uh…Bread! Gravy! Very small rocks! Churches! Lead! 3. A DUCK! 1. Coreecctt! so, lo-gi-ca-ly…2. if she weighs the same as a duck…she’s made of wood…1. And therefore…2. A WITCH!! 1. We shall use my largest scales!
1. You only killed the bride’s father-that’s all-. 2. Oh dear, I didn’t really mean to…. 1. didn’t mean to? ou put your sword right through his head!
1.) Aaahh! You said the word!The nights of Ni cant hear that word!..2.)What word? Oh, stop it.1.)Aaahh! You said the word again! 2.)What are you talking about? Stop it i tell you, your annoying me.1.)You said it again!..2.)Oh no, I said it! 2.)I said it again! 2.)I said it again!.2.)AAAHHH!
1.)We have found a witch. May we burn her? 2.)How do you know she is a witch? 3.)She looks like one. 4.)Bring her forward. 5.)I’m not a witch. I’m not a witch. 6.) Uh, but you are dressed as one. 7.)They dressed me up like this. 8.)Augh, we didn’t! We didn’t… 9.)And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one. 10.) Well? 11.) Well, we did do the nose. 12.) The nose? 13.) The nose? 14.) And the hat, but she is a witch! 15.)Did you dress her up like this? 16.)No! 17.)No. No. 18.)Yes. 19.)Yes. 20.) Yes. Yeah, a bit. 21.)A bit.
1.Its got HUGE sharp tee…its leaps about..look at the BONES!
2. WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? WHAT is your favorite color? Blue..no yellow! ahhh
1.Listen Alice. 2.Herbert 1.Herbert
1.Oh, King, eh, very nice! And how d’you get that,eh?
By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there’s EVER going to be any progress… 2. DENNIS!! There’s some lovely filth down here!
1.Old woman-2.man 1. man sorry, who lives in that castle?2.I’m 37 1.What? 2. I’m 37 I’m not old. 1. Well i can’t call you just man.2. Well you could call me Denis 1.I did’t know you were called Denis 2. Well you didn’t bother to find out did you
1: hes not dead? 2: yes he is 3: im not dead yet! i don’t want to go on the cart! #1 he says hes not dead #3 i feel fine #2 you’ll be stone dead in a moment #3 i feel fine, i think i’ll go for a walk! #2 you’re not fooling anyone, isn’t there anything you can do? #3 i feel happy! i feeeeel happy! **WHACK** #2 oh thank you #1 very well, see you next thursday then.
1: We found a witch, may we burn her?
2: What makes you think she’s a witch?
1: She looks like one!
2: Send her foreward.
3: I am NOT a witch! I am NOT a witch!
2: But you are dressed as one.
3: THEY dressed me like this. And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
2: Well?
1: Well we did do the nose…..and the hat……but she is a witch!
2: Did you dress her like this?
1: No….no…..no….yes….yes….a bit….a bit….she does have a wart!
2: What makes you think she is a witch?
1: She turned me into a newt!!!
2: A newt?
1: ………..i got better. Burn her anyway!!!
2: There are ways of tellin whether she is a witch.
1: There are? Tell us!
2: Well, what do you do to witches?
1: Burn them!!!
2: And what do you burn apart from witches?
1: MORE WITCHES!!! ……wood.
2: So why do witches burn?
1: ……..b-……..because they’re made of……of wood?
2: Good! So do we tell whether she is made from wood?
1: Build a bridge out of her!
2: Ah, but can bridges not also be made from stone?
1: Oh yeah….
2: Does wood sink in water?
1: No. It floats. THROW HER IN THE POND!
2: What floats besides wood?
1: Bread. Apples. Very small rocks!
4: A duck!
2: Exactly! So, logically, if….
1: …She weighs as much as a duck…….then she’s made of wood?
2: And therefore….?
1: A WITCH!!!
2: We shall use my largest scale…
1: Where, behind the rabbit? 2: It IS the rabbit.
1:I’m not dead yet.
2: He will be any second.
1: I think I’ll go for a walk. I feel happy. I feel happy.
:-Black night:- its only a flesh wound
:-Black night:- No man shall pass
:-Black night:- ill get u for that
African or European?
I don’t know. Ahhh…
Alright we’ll call it a draw
Alright. We’ll call it a draw.
And after the spanking,the oral sex!
And that my liege is how we know the earth to be banana shaped.
And the animator suffered a fatal heart attack…and the Black Beast of Aaaaaaarrgh was no more.
And there was much rejoicing (wooooooooo!!!)
Anwser me these questions three then the other side ye’ see. Go ahead bridge keeper im not afriad. What is your name!? Sir Lancelot of Camolot. WHAT IS your Quest!? I seek the Holy Grial. WHat is your Favorit COLOR!? Blue. Ohh allright then go ahead
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Arthur: Old Woman! DENNIS: MAN! A: Man, sorry, who lives in that castle? D: I’m 37. A: What? D: I’m 37, I’m not old. A: Well I can’t just call you man. D: Well you could say Dennis. A: Well I didn’t know you were called Dennis. D: Well you didn’t bother to find out did you? A: I did say sorry about the old womamn thing, but from behind you looked… D: Well I object to you treating me like an inferior! A: Well I am king. D:Oh king eh, VERY NICE, and how’d you get that eh? By EXPLOITING THE WORKERS!
ARTHUR: The lady of the lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft excalibur from the bossom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry excalibur. That is why I am your king. DENNIS: Listen, strange women, lying in ponds, distributing swords is no way to establish a system of government.
ARTHUR: There! Look! LAUNCELOT: What does it say? GALAHAD: What language is that? ARTHUR: Brother Maynard! You are a scholar. MAYNARD: It’s Aramaic! GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Arimathea! LAUNCELOT: ‘Course! ARTHUR: What does it say? MAYNARD: It reads, ‘Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaaagggh’. ARTHUR: What? MAYNARD: ‘…The Castle of aaaaaagggh’. BEDEVERE: What is that? MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it. LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on! MAYNARD: Well, that’s what it says. ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve ‘aaaaaggh’. He’d just say it! MAYNARD: Well, that’s what’s carved in the rock! GALAHAD:
Perhaps he was dictating. ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else? MAYNARD: No. Just ‘aaaaaagggh’. LAUNCELOT:
Aaaauugggh. ARTHUR: Aaaaaggh.
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEVERE: U– u– uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh…
ARTHUR: Ohh.
BEDEVERE: Oh. Um, l– look, i– i– if we built this large wooden badger–
ARTHUR: Yes, we’re– we’re looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.
ARTHUR: And so, we’re– we’re– we’re looking for it.
Arthur:Be quiet, be quiet, I ORDER you to be quiet! Woman:Order!Who does he think he is? Arthur: I’m your king! Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you! Arthur: You don’t vote for kings. Woman: Well how do you become king then?
b-what do we burn apart from witches? v-dirty bitches!! like mrs.blomquest!!! all villagers-GET HER!! v-throw her into the pont see if she floats like a duck!!
BEDEVERE: Oooohoohohooo!
LAUNCELOT: No, no. ‘Aaaauugggh’, at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.
BEDEVERE: N– no. No, no, no, no. ‘Oooooooh’, in surprise and alarm.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a ‘aaaah’!
Black Knight: It’s just a flesh wound!
King Arthur: A flesh wound?! You’ve got no arms!
Black night:- its only a flesh wound
Black night:- No man shall pass
Black night:- ill get u for that
Black Night=BL, King Aurthor=KA BL) ‘Tis but a scratch. (KA) A scratch?! Your arm’s off. (BL) No it isn’t. (KA) Well what’s that then? ::pause:: (BL) I’ve had worse. (KA) You liar. (BL) Come on, you panzy!
Bloody peasant!
Bravely bold Sir Robin strode forth from Camelot
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
Brave brave brave brave Sir Robin
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled brave Sir Robin…
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
and his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
and his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off
and his pen…
Ah, that’s enough music for now lads!
Bring out je’ dead!
Bring out the Holy Handgrenade!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here’s one. CART MASTER: Ninepence. DEAD PERSON: I’m not dead! CART MASTER: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here’s your ninepence. DEAD PERSON: I’m not dead! CART MASTER: ‘Ere. He says he’s not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I’m not! CART MASTER: He isn’t? CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon. He’s very ill. DEAD PERSON: I’m getting better! CUSTOMER: No, you’re not. You’ll be stone dead in a moment. CART MASTER: Oh, I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations. DEAD PERSON: I don’t want to go on the cart! CUSTOMER: Oh, don’t be such a baby. CART MASTER: I can’t take him. DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! CUSTOMER: Well, do us a favour. CART MASTER: I can’t. CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t be long. CART MASTER: No, I’ve got to go to the Robinsons’. They’ve lost nine today. CUSTOMER: Well, when’s your next round? CART MASTER: Thursday. DEAD PERSON: I think I’ll go for a walk. CUSTOMER: You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn’t there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy. [whop] CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. CART MASTER: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
bring out your dead……bring out your dead
Bring out your dead….Bring out your dead….
But I’m not dead yet…….
Bring us a shrubbery
bring us… a shrubbary
Build a bridge out of her!
But he’s got these fangs Sire and a mean streak a mile long!
But mother…FATHER! But father…
By the end of this day, were going to have a marriage….or a hanging. Either way were going to have a bloody good time!
Can’t I have just a little bit of peril?
Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
Come back here! I’ll bite your legs off!
Come see the violence inerent in the system! Come see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I’m being repressed. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn’t you?
Dead Body Collecter: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD *CLANK* x3
Live Guy: Alrighty here you go
Dead Guy: I’m not quite dead yet
DBC:What?
LG: Oh nothing heres your 9 pense
DG I’m not dead
DBC: He says he’s not dead yet
LG: He is
DG I’m not
DBC: he says he’s not
LG: Ah he will be he’s very ill
DG: I’m getting better
LG: Oh be quiet you’ll be stone dead in a moment
DBC: I can’t take him like that it’s against regulations
DG: I don’t want to go on the cart
LG: DOn’t be such a baby
DBC: I can’t take him
DG: I feel fine
LG: Oh do us a favor
DBC: I can’t
LG: well can you hang around a bit he won’t be long
DBC: I fighting with the Robinson I’ve already lost nine today.
LG: Well when’s your next round?
DBC: Thursday
DG: I think I’ll go for a walk
LG: Your not fooling any one you know.isn’t there something you can do?
DG: I feel happy oh so *THUD*
Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here!
Dennis: I mean, if I went ’round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!
Dennis:Look strange women lying around in ponds is no means for as system of government.
Don’t like her?! What’s wrong with her?! She’s beautiful. She’s rich. She’s got huge… tracts o’ land!
father) one day lad all this will be yours
prince) what the curtains?
FATHER: Listen, Alice…
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert. …. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
HERBERT: But I don’t like her.
FATHER: Don’t like her?! What’s wrong with her? She’s beautiful, she’s rich, she’s got huge… tracts of land.
FATHER:One day, lad, all this will be yours!
PRINCE HERBERT: What, the curtains?
FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This’ll be your kingdom, lad.
First shalt thou take out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. NO more no less.Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neihter count thou two…excepting that thou then procede to three. Five is right out! Once the number three being the third number be reached…then lobbest thou thy holy hand grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it!
Follow only if yee be men of valor, for death awaits you, and its got nasty pointy teeth!!
French dude in castle:- A told im we already av 1 (snigger)
french guard) you don’t frighten us, English pig-dog. Go boil your bottom, son of a silly person. I blow my nose at you so-called Arthur King-a! you and all your silly English knnnnnniggets! galahad)what a strange person
Arthur) Now look here, my good man
French guard) I don’t wanna talk to yuo no more you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries.
FRENCH GUARD: You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets.
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
Galahad: They’re doctores?! Zoot: Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes. Galahad: B–but– Zoot: Oh, come, come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practice your art.
God:Arthur! Arthur,king of the Britains! (Arthur and his knights kneel down.) Oh don’t grovel! One thing I can’t stand is people groveling! Arthur:Sorry! God:And don’t apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it’s ‘Sorry this’ and ‘Forgive me that’ and ‘I’m not worthy’!
Guard: Oh, if– if– if, uhh– if– if– w– ehh– i– if– if we—
Father: Yes? What is it?
Guard: Oh, i– if– i– oh—
Father: Look, it’s quite simple. You just stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave the room. All right? Guard: Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
Father: N– no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he—
Guard: Oh, yes. We’ll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him—
Father: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here—
Guard: Until you or anyone else— Father: No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard: Just you…. Father: Get back. Guard: Get back.
Father: All right? Guard: Right. We’ll stay here until you get back.
Father: And, uh, make sure he doesn’t leave. Guard: What?
Father: Make sure he doesn’t leave. Guard: The Prince?
Father: Yes. Make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.
Guard: Oh, yes, of course.
Ha ha! (Chops off his arm) Victory is mine! ‘Tis but a scratch! A scratch?! Your arm is off! No it isn’t. What’s that? (Looks over) I’ve had worse. You lie!
Have at you!
HE must be a king. Why? He ain’t got shit all over him.
help help I’m being repressed!! I’m being repressed!! Did you see that? Did you see him repressing me?
HELP HELP IM BEING REPRESSED!
Help! Help! I’m being oppressed!
Help! Help! I’m being oppressed!!
Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
Help! Help! I’m being repressed.
Help, help I’m being repressed!
How do you know so much about Swallows?
You have to know this sort of thing when your a King
How do you know so much about swallows?
You have to know this stuff when your king.
how do you no she is a witch?
/peasant/ she looks like 1!!/
I am a shrubber. My name is Rodger the shrubber. i arrange, design , and sell shrubberies.
I am Arthur, King of the Britians
I am french can’t you tell by my outrrrraaaaggeous accent.
I am Zeut’s identical twin sister..Dingo.
i bet you’re gay
I blow my nose at you!!!!!
I don’t want to go on the cart.
I don’t want to talk to you no more! you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
I fart in your general direction
I fart in your general direction!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberry!
I fart in your general direction!
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
I move…for….NO MAN!
I suck
I told him we already got one.
I waggle my genitalia at your auntie.
I warned you ,but did you listen to me? Oh no it’s just a harmless little bunny isn’t it. It’s always the same I warn them but they never listen
I’d rather just sing
I’m 27. I’m not old.
I’m 37, I’m not old!
I’m being repressed,I’m being repressed!!
I’m French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent?
I’m invinsible! The Black Night always triumphs!
I’m not dead yet! I think I’ll go for a walk!
I’m not old, I’m 37.
If said I was a king just because some moisten bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away.
In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin’s minstrels.
Is there anybody else up there we could talk to?
It could be carried by an african swallow. Oh yeah, an african swallow maybe, but not a european swallow thats my point. Oh yeah, i agree with that.
It’s a fair cop, gouvner.
It’s a question of weight ratios. A 5 ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
It’s just a flesh wound
It’s just a flesh wound!
It’s just a flesh wound! Come back here and I’ll bite your knee caps off!
It’s not a question of where he grips it. It’s a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut!
It’s only a model.
Its just a flesh wound.
Just a flesh wound.
just because some watery tart threw a sword at you, doesn’t give you the right to be king.
King Arthur: On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place
King Arthur: Shut-up
Peasant: Oh come and see the violence inheretied in the system
Help,Help I’m being repressed
King Arthur: Booldy Peasant
Peasant: Oh what a give away,did you hear that did you hear that ahh thats what i’m all about. Did you see him repressing me, you saw it
King Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of…Knights who till recently said Ni?
King Arthur:You there old woman! Dennis:Man! Arthur:Many sorry, old man what knight lives in that castle? Dennis: I’m 37! Arthur:What? Dennis: I’m 37 I’m not old. Arthur: Well I can’t just call you man can I? Dennis: Well you could’ve said Dennis! Arthur:Well I didn’t know you were called Dennis. Dennis:Well you didn’t bother to find out did you?
King: One! Two! Five! Knight: Three, sir. King: Three!
Knight: How do you know so much about swallows? King: Well, you have to know these things when you’re king, you know…
Knights: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neewong. Arthur: Those who hear those words seldom live to tell the tale. Knights: Ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni, ni. We will say Ni again if you do not appease us.
LAUNCELOT: Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I’m– I’m not quite dead, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
CONCORDE: I– I– I think I c– I could pull through, sir.
Let us not go to Camelot…it is a silly place.
Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started
here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show ’em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one… stayed up! And that’s what you’re gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.
Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farsical aquatic ceremony. You can’t expect to wield SUPREME executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! Yeah, if i went ’round saying I was an emperor just because some moisten bink lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Man: I am Your King!
Woman: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
Man: You don’t vote for kings.
Woman: Well, how’d you become king then?
Man:The merger…the union of the princess and the very brave but DANGEROUS Lancelot of Camelot! Lancelot:What?
Maybe he’ll get SO cross that he will make a mistake!
MAYNARD: It reads; Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaaagggh.
ARTHUR: What?
MAYNARD: …The Castle of aaaaaagggh.
ARTHUR: What is that?
MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on!
Men:A-a-argh Bedevere:ooooo-oo Lancelot:No its more of an A-a-a-rgh at the back of the throat. Bedevere: No oooo as in suprise and alarm. Lancelot:Oh, you mean more of an Ah! Bedevere:yes, AAAh Arthur:Ooo dear God!
Must be a king!
How do you know?
He hasn’t got shit all over him.
Narrator: Sir Launcelot the Brave… Sir Galahad the Pure… and Sir Robin, the not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot… who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor… who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol… and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.
no. no. no. no a bit. yes. a bit.
None Shall Pass
None shall pass.
Now go away or else I shall taunt you a second time!
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time
now you must cut down a tree with…. A HERRING!!!! (in the background- a herring, a herring)
Now, let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.
O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to bits…in thy mercy. And the Lord did grin…
O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.
OF COURSE ITS A GOOD IDEA!!!
Oh jesus you made me mess my armor!
Oh shut up and go change your armor!
Oh! Dont grovel! If it’s one thing I can’t stand its groveling, its always I’m sorry this and forgive me that.
Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren’t any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling– oooh!
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say ‘ni’ at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to you. I’ll bite your legs off!
One day my lad, all this will be yours
What, the curtains?
No, not the curtains lads. All that you see, stretched before you.
One, Two, Five!
No, three sir!
Three!
Our life must seem very dull to a brave knight like yourself…bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear
Perhaps it was carried by an African swallow!
Oh, but those are non-migratery…
Pie jesu domine, dona eis requiem.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, stop bitching and let’s go have tea.
LEFT HEAD: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We’ll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
Run Away!! Run Away!!!!!!
SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu–
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.’
MAYNARD: Amen.
See the violence inherent in the system
She turned me into a newt!
A newt?
I got better
She turned me into a newt!
A newt?
Well I got better…
She’s got HUGE, tracks of land!
She’s got huge…..tracks o’ land!
shrubberies are my trade. i am a shrubber. my name is roger, the shrubber. i arrange,design and sell shrubberies.
Shrubery
Since we are no longer the knights who say NI! You shall bring me another shrubery. (Quietly)You shall brace it upon the other one to give it a two level effect with a liitle pathway going down the middle.
SIR BEDEVERE: And that, my leige, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
KING ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheeps’ bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
SIR BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly sir. ~~Sir Bedevere and King Arthur
Sir Bedevere: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
Sir Not Appearing in this Film.
So, if she weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood. And therefore………A witch!!!
So, you think you can out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent, running about, advancing type behavior??…. I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters!!!
SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1: No, they’d have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They’d just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?
Some of my best friends are witches, really, they are! They’re very nice.
Someday this will all be yours…. what the curtains!
Strange ladies lying in lakes distributing swords is no basis for a system of government
Strange women lying around in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.
Tell me again how sheep’s bladders can be used to prevent earthquakes.
That’s no ordinary rabbit…
That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
The Black Knight always triumphs.
The coconut’s tropical. This is a temperate zone!
The lady of the lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur’s Knights, but other illustrious name were soon to follow: Sir Launcelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad, the Pure, and Sir Robin the not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table.
Then, shall thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shall count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shall thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then shall proceed to three. Five is right out.
Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.
There are some who call me…..Tim.
THERE ARE THOSE WHO CALL ME…Tim
there it is!!!! CAMELOT! / (mutter) / its only a model!
Therefore we must give u a test! Firstly, you must find another shrubbery. Then, when you have found the shrubbery.. you must brace it here beside this shrubbery (only slightly higher so you get the two level effect with a little path running down the middle) … Then when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with………. a herring!
This is my trusty servant Patsy.
This is the castle of my master, Guy di Loimbard.
This new learning amazes me Sir Bedevier. Explain to me again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
Those who hear them, Seldom live to tell the tale
Those who wish to cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, and the other side he see!
Three Headed Giant: You’re a knight of the Round Table? Knight: Yes. Three Headed Giant: Then I shall have to kill you.
tis a scratch
tis but a flesh wound
Very small rocks!!
Villager:We found a witch may we burn her? Bedevere:How do you know she is a witch? Villager:she looks like one! Woman: I’m not a witch! I’m not a witch! Bedevere:But you are dressed as one. Woman:They dressed me up like this. And this isn’t my nose its a false one. Bedevere:Did you dress her up like this? Villagers: no no…yes yes a bit. Well we did do the nose. Bedevere:the nose? Villager:and the hat but she’s a witch! Bedevere:How do you know she is a witch? Villager 2:OH she turned me into a newt!Bedevere:a newt?Villager2:I got better…Villager3:burn her anyway!Villagers:BURN HER!Bedevere:Quiet, quiet!There are ways of telling wether she is a witch. Villager1:There are tell us!Villager3:do they hurt?Bedevere:Tell me what do you do with witches?Villagers:BURN THEM Bedevere:And what do you burn apart from witches?Villager1:MORE WITCHES!Villager3:Wood! Bedevere:Good!Tell me does wood float in water?Villager1:No, no it floats.It floats!Throw her into the pond!Bedevere:No, now what else floats in water?Villagers:Very smalle rocks,great gravy,cherries,churches,lead… Arthur:A duck!Bedevere:Exactly
watch she turned me into a newt…..I got better
We are but eight score blonds and brunettes all between the ages of sixteen and nineteen and a half. Our lives must seem very dull compared to yours. Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwhere.
We are no longer the knights who say neigh, we are now the knights who say ecky-ecky-ecky-bitang-zoombaaaa.
We are no longer the Knights who say Ni. We are know the Knights who say ecky ecky ecky bagang zoot boing, goodum zolly chev!
We are no longer the Knights who say Ni. We are now the Knights who say…Icky Icky Icky Pa-Kang Zoooop Boing Shoom Bowl Zhiv.
we are no longer the nights who say NEE!! we are now the the nights who say ECKEY ECKEY WHOOP BANG HUMANA HUMANA HUMANA! and u must bring us ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!! u no witha nice little path running down the middle? and then!! u must smote down the mightyest tree in the forrest with!! A HERRING!! (NIGHT) A HERRING! we cant do that! (night of nee) AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR PLEASE!
We are now no longer the knights who say ‘Nee!’ We are now the knights who say ‘Ekky-Ekky-Ekky-ba-clang-zoo-boing-rahhrrarrr’.
We are now the knights of icky icky icky pu tang zu boing vowzer!
We are now the Knights Who Say ‘Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv’.
We are the keepers of the sacred words Ni, Peng and Noo Wong.
We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Neeeewomp!
We are the keepers of the three sacred words, neigh, ping and neeeeewomb.
We are the knights who say ‘KNEE’!
We are the knights who say NEE!
We are the knights who say ni!
WE are the knights who say………NI NI…ni
We are the knights who say…NEEE!!
We are the knights who say…NI… ni ni ni ni ni ni
We are, the knights who say Ni.
we cant risk another frontle asalt the rabbits dynomite
We have found a witch, might we burn her?
We shall say ‘Ni’ again to you if you do not appease us.
We would like to say that the people responsible for sacking the people who have been sacked have now been sacked
We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune.
We’re knights of the round table,
We dance whenever we’re able,
We do routines, and chorus scenes,
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham, and jam, and spam a lot.
Well how do you know he’s a king?…..Because he hasn’t got shit all over him,
Whaaaat is your name? Sir Launcelot of Camelot. What is your quest? I seek the Holy Grail What is your favorite color? BLUE! Ok go on O, thank you THATS EASY!!!
What a strange person!
What a strange person!!
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
What is the average air speed velocity of an unladden swallow?
African or European?
What? I don’t know! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
What is your favorite color?
WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest?
What? Behind the rabbit?
When danger reared it’s ugly head he bravely turned his tail and fled
Where’d you get the coconuts?
Who gets out of the rabbit?
Whoa! Halt! Who goes there?!
Why do you think I speak with this outrrraaageous accent?!?!
Yes, you must give us all a good spanking! And then…the oral sex.
Yoi don’t frighten us, english pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you!
You can’t expext to weild supreme, executive power jus cos some watery tart threw a sword at you!
You don’t frighten us. English Pig dogs! Go boil you bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you so-called Authur King. You and all your silly kings. Thppt!
>What a silly person
>Now look here my good man!
I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed food troph wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries!
You english kerniggits
You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight!
(silence)
I am Arthur, King of the Britains!
(silence)
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court of Camelot.
(silence)
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
(silence)
You make me sad. So be it. Come Patsy!
you gotta know these things when you’re a king you know
You make me sad, So be it.
You may not pass unless you answer a question
YOU MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!
You must bring us… a SHRUBBERY!
You must bring us… ANOTHER SHRUBBERY! And bring it back here adnd place it next to this one, only a little higher to get the two level effect with a little path running down the middle..
You must bring us…a shrubbery! One that looks nice. And not too expensive!
you shall bring us…..a shrawberry
You son of a silly person!
You stupid bastard,you’ve got no arms left!
you suck butt wipe every single one of you suck.
You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
You tit! I was so scared, I soiled my armor!
You’ll be stone dead in a moment.
you’ve got no arms its just a flesh wound
You’ve got two empty halves of a coconut and you’re bangin ’em together!
Your a busy man.
your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!!!
your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.
your mother was a whore and your father smeeled of elderberries
your mother was hampster and your father smelt of elderberries
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’: Quotes from the movie ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’