–Henry, why do you have me doing all this grunt work? I’m a columnist!
–You’re not a columnist. You’re a reporter who writes long.
–The guy smashes his train and then steps over bodies to go have a few beers.
–What do you do after you step over bodies?
–I have a cigarette and go to sleep.
–When did you become so paranoid?
–When they started plotting against me.
1) …why don’t you just pour battery acid down your throat?
2) No caffeine
1) The thing is it implies that he was drunk while he was driving the train, he could’ve gotten drunk afterwards. 2) You’re accurate, ethical and I want you out of this building
1) What have you got for me Henry? 2)Donald Trump jumped off a building, landed right on Madonna. 1)And then they all went to Elaine’s.
1)Doesn’t anyone say good morning anymore? 2)I don’t think so.
1)Features! 2)Oh uh, we’ve got Alison’s profile of a teenage hitman. Uh we’ve got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who’s bangin’ who chart, and uh part three in our continuing saga on penile implants
1)First of all you look fabulous 2)Cut it out. What’s going on? 1)Well I didn’t get the art back from the perp walk 2)Who did you send? 1)Robyn 2)You sent Robyn to cover the Williamsburg perp walk? 1)Robin happens to be a professional news photographer 2)Robyn happens to be fourteen years old!
1)Foreign! 2)Terrorists blew up a restaurant in Paris killing five – none from New York. A ferry boat capsized in the Philippeans drowning three hundred – none from New York. There was a violent coup in Bahrain… (Everyone) – None from New York!!! 2)Witnessed! Witnessed by two people from Long Island! Oh and Henry this might interest you, the mother whale in the Ukraine had triplets 3)She told me she was on the pill for Christ sake!!
1)Hacket 2)Henry, it’s Alicia. Listen I want to see you in my office this morning before the 11:00…1)Alicia? Alicia? Is that you cause I’m having a hard time hearin ya….2)Henry? Henry? 1)Are you in the tunnel or something 2)Henry! Henry? 1)There’s a lot of static 2)Henry! Hello? 1)I can’t…I’m losin ya 2)Henry! 1)Are you in the tunnel? I can’t hear ya! 2)Henry! Hello!! 1)Hey we’ll see ya when ya get in ok? 2)Henry! Hello! (1 hangs up the phone) 1)I love car phones.
1)Hello? Henry! Why aren’t you at your interview? 2)Well hun, it’s not for another two hours. What’s up? Jan told me you called (To 3 – tell him to do it over) 3) Hum he’ll love that 2)What’s up honey, uh -you ok? I mean you need anything – not right away I mean. 1)Tell me what’s going on there, tell me everything, leave nothing out. 2)uh you know – ususal delights – uh honey can you tell me what you need because I got this meeting with Alicia 1)Don’t take any crap from her ok? 2)Ok-I won’t now you’ve got everything? Last chance, anything at all? 1) (To t.v) – Waterbed!! 2)Ok honey, phone’s slippin’ out of my hand
1)Henry – I’ve got to know about that interview right now 2)Can it wait hun because I’ve got the three o’clock 1)No it can not wait this is our marriage here Henry ok? 2)What’re you talking about you walked in three seconds ago when did whatever it is escalate to our marriage? 1)Over lunch. You should’ve been there – very enlightening. I’ve seen my future Henry, I’m a bitter, nasty broad who can suck down a whole bottle of wine in a single gulp
1)Hey Mac? Who’s tryin to kill ya now? 2)Sanduski 1)The parking guy? Over a couple of lousy columns? 2)My columns aren’t lousy 1)Geez give it up would you?
1)Hey uh-what’s the matter with Phil? It looks like he sat on something sharp. 2)Well you told him he could have Richard’s old desk right? 1)Right 2)And now you promised it to Carmen. Are you completely psychotic?
1)Hun look…you’re missing….Parking Commisioner of the whole city double parked…no ticket This is in New York and this doesn’t enrage you? 2)Sweetie it’s horseshit! 1)I know it’s horseshit!!
1)Oh Jesus Bernie! Come on with the smoke! You know my doctor found Nicotine in my urine again! 2)Then keep your dick out of my ashtray
1)Well the Daily News kinda kicked your butt today, didn’t it? ‘Welcome to New York, You’re Dead’ 2)Uh! They got that?! 1)Um hum 2)How did they get that-that happened in Brooklyn, at midnight! I can’t believe this! Did Newsday…I don’t wann know…did they, did Newsday…don’t show me…they got it! I don’t wanna see the Post.
1)What about something fun? Don’t we have anything fun today? 2)Nazi’s marching in New Jersey? 1)Yeah. Nazi’s are a barrel of laughs
1)What about the motorman – did they find him yet? 2)Yeah they found him drunker than a skunk in his neighborhood bar. 3)Oh God – he derails his train then steps over bodies to have a few beers? 2)What do you do after you step over bodies? 3)I have a cigarette and go to sleep
1)You mad at me? 2)Ha! Why should I be mad? A guy gets home from work at 4:00 in the morning, why would that make anyone mad? 2)Scale of one to ten 2)Four a.m. in the morning!!!!!!!!! 1)That’s about a seven
1)You ok? 2)You never really appreciate bladder control until it’s gone
1)You son of a bitch! You promised me Henry! 2)For God sakes Alicia I’m not going to ask some news reporter to wait until after five o’clock to make out of state phone calls. It’s ridiculous – I’m not gonna do it. 2)Ok lets let them make free phone sex calls too! 2)That’s not a bad idea.
1/_Awww, Jesus Bernie… Come onnnn, with the smoke! You know, the doctor found nicotine in my urine again.
2/_Then keep your dick out of my ashtray
1/_I told you… I’m a columnist
2/_You’re not a columnist, you’re a reporter that writes small
1/_What’s up his ass?
2/_Bagel
1/_[…shot in the leg] A bullet came out of the wall!! Why did the bullet come out of the wall?!
2/_To get to the other side?
A clipboard and a confident way will get you into any building in the world
A minute of your time.
Congratulations, you have a firm grasp of the obvious
Don’t take marital advice from a guy with two ex wives and a daughter who won’t speak to him
God forbid this newspaper would run anything without an exclamation mark
Henry I’m on my way out at 8:25 and I just happened to notice that our presses aren’t running which strikes me as rather odd since we are after all a newspaper
Henry, you know those days that can change your whole life? This is one of em for us. For good or bad. It can happen either way today, so you know – don’t blow it.
Hey Alicia? Congratulations, you’ve offically become everything you used to hate
I bust my ass to find something fresh and when I get it I bang it like a cheap drum. People love that shit.
I don’t need you to tell me the Parking Department is fucked up! I know it’s fucked up! It was fucked up when I got there!
I don’t want to be wrong today.
I got a prostate the size of a bagel
I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists?! I’ve got political columnists, guest columnists, celebrity columnists. The only thing I don’t have is a dead columnist, and that’s the kind I can really use.
I lost the Sentinal job because I stole the lead off of the editors desk
I miss everybody. Say hi to everybody for me! Everybody except Alicia! Who else do I hate?
I told you, my friend hates me
I’d love it if you weren’t here
It’s a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office.
Make up your mind.
Mend this broken heart.
My job is to keep your ass downstairs!!
Nice pajamas Henry!
One of the security guards actually tried to frisk me…. we’re having drinks later
Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can’t you?
Stop the presses!
Thank you so much for the ugly spotted thing I got from two other people. What was it? On sale?
The one to pay.
These kids? They didn’t do it.
This is great! This is great! It writes like butter – I mean there is actual butter coming out of my pen
This is great! This [story] writes like butter, I mean there is actual butter coming out of my pen!
Wear a tie to the interview. And promise me you won’t torpedo it.
Well guess fuckin what? I don’t really fuckin care. You wanna know fuckin why? Because I don’t fuckin live in the fuckin world I live in fuckin New York City so go fuck yourself!!!
What’s the plural of ultimatum?
Ya know, sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way…can’t you?
You are so…fucking…fired
You just never know.
You parking facist!!! You tell Sanduski were not gonna take it anymore!!
You should’ve told me that if we had a kid I would be on my own. You really should’ve told me
You’re accurate, ethical and I want you out of this building
You’ve been a long time coming.
[air-cond repairman] In another few hours you’ll see your breathe
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