Movie Quotes from Spaceballs: Quotes from the movie Spaceballs

Before I kill you there this something I need to tell you. I’m your fathers brothers nephews cusins formal room mate.

#1 I said across her nose no up it!! #2 Sorry sir. #1 Who the hell hired this guy? #3 I did! He’s my cousin.

#1 Water…water….water!
#2 Water….water…water!
#3 Oil…oil…oil!!
#4 Room Service….room service…room service!

#1 Found anything? #2 Nothing yet sir. #1 How bout you? #3 WE AIN’T FOUND SHIT!!!

#1-What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie? #2-Now. You’re looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now. #1-What happened to then? #2-We passed then. #1-When? #2-Just now. We’re at now, now. #1-Go back to then. #2-When? #1-Now. #2-Now? #1-Now. #2-I can’t. #1-Why? #2-We missed it. #1-When? #2-Just now. #1-When will then be now? #2-Soon. #1-How soon?

(1.)When will then be now? (2.)Soon.

(dark helmet): Now hear this, Ludacris speed. (Col.Sanders): Sir, You’d better buckle up. (dark helmet): Ehh buckle this! Ludacris speed GO!….ahhh! what have I done! my brains are going into my feet! (barf): what the hell was that?! (lonestar): Spaceball 1. (barf): they’ve gone to plaid! (dark helmet): We’ve passed them! stop this thing! (col. sanders): we cant stop its too dangerous! (dark helmet): Bullshit! just stop this thing. i order you STOPP!!

(Lounge)
DOT: Where’re you going?
VESPA: I’m going to tell him off once and for all!
DOT: Wait a minute! We’ll need him to get us out of here!
(Cockpit)
LONE STAR: She called me an idiot! I’m gonna go back there and explain a few things to her!
(Lounge)
DOT: Besides, he’s got a sexy voice. He could be cute!
(Cockpit)
BARF: Wait a minute, you haven’t seen what she looks like!
LONE STAR: Oh, I know what she looks like! If you’ve seen one princess, you’ve seen ‘m all!
(Lounge)
VESPA: Cute! I know these space bums! They’re all alike! Fat, ugly…
(Cockpit)
LONE STAR: Buck-toothed, knock-kneed,…
(Lounge)
VESPA:…beer-swilling pigs! (Storms out)
(Cockpit)
LONE STAR:…horse-faced space dogs! (Storms out)
BARF: (tries to get up but forgets to unbuckle his seat belt) Yeah, but…OOOHH! (unbuckles himself) That’s gonna leave a mark!

-Sir, we’ve been jammed.
-What kind of jam?
-Tastes like strawberry, sir.
-Strawberry jam? There’s only one man that uses strawberry jam. LONESTAR!!!

1) Please, you must save her. I’ll give you anything! 2) Anything? 3) OK, we’ll do it for….one million space bucks! 1)A MILLION??? 2) Oh, we’re startin to fade here. 1) OK I’ll do it. Just find her. 3) OK, you got it, one princess for one million space bucks. 1) You’ve got to save her….and if all possible, try to save the car.

1) Alright!! Here we go!! The short short version!! Do you?
2) Yes.
1) Do you?
3) Yes.
1) Good. You’re married. Kiss her!

1) Comb the desert!
2) Aye Aye Sir Combing the desert!

1) I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
2) What does that make us?
1) Absolutely nothing, which is what you are about to become.

1) I said across her nose, not up it!! 2) Sorry, sir! 1) Who the hell is he? 3) He’s an asshole, sir. 1) I know that, but whats his name? 3) that is his name, sir. Leutenant asshole 1) who made him a gunner? 4) I did, sir. He’s my cousin 1)(quietly) who is he? 3) He’s an asshole too, sir. 1) How many assholes we got on this ship? 5)(all rise) SIR!! 1) Keep firing, assholes!!!

1) I said across her nose, not up it!! 2) Sorry, sir! 1) Who the hell is he? 3) He’s an asshole, sir. 1) I know that, but whats his name? 3) that is his name, sir. Leutenant asshole 1) who made him a gunner? 4) I did, sir. He’s my cousin 1)(quietly) who is he? 3) He’s an asshole too, sir. Major asshole. 1) How many assholes we got on this ship? 5)(all rise) SIR!! 1) Keep firing, assholes!!!

1) I’m goin’ in!
2) He’s goin’ in! I wouldn’t.

1) Ok Barf. Set ‘er down for a minute. What in the hell do you have in this thing?!? What is this?? I said take only what you need to survive!
2) It’s my industrial strength hair dryer … and I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT!!!!!

1) The combination to the Air Shield is … one.
2) One!
3) One!
1) Two.
2) Two!
3) Two!
1) Three.
2) Three!
3) Three!
1) Four.
2) Four!
3) Four!
*pause*
1) Five.
2) Five!
3) Five!
2) So the combination to the Air Shield is one two three four five!!
3) One two three four five!?! That’s the stupidest combination I’ve ever heard!!
That’s the kind of combination some idiot would have on his luggage!!

1) Water … water!
2) Water … water!
3) Oil … oil!
4) Room service … room service!

1) What are you?
2) I’m a Mog.
1) A what??
2) A Mog. Half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend.
1) What’s your name?
2) Barf!
3) Not in here mister! This is a mercedes!

1) What the Hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie? 2)Now, you’re looking at now, sir. Everything that is happening now, is happening now. 1) What happened to then? 2) Not now! We’re at now now 1) Go back to then 2) We can’t 1) Why not 2) We missed it 1) When 2) Just now 1) When will then be now? 2) Soon

1) What the hell was that? 2) Spaceball one. 1) they’ve gone to plaid!

1) Yes and I’m Glad Glad Glad Glad.
2) I wonder if she is Glad

1).That was pretty good..for a girl. 2).Hey that was pretty good for Rambo!!!

1)10, 9, 8, 6– 2)6?! What happened to 7?! 1)Just kidding.

1)All right! I’ll tell! The combination is…1… 2)1! 3)1! 1)2… 2)2! 3)2! 1)3… 2)3! 3)3! 1)4… 2)4! 3)4! 1)5. 2)5! 3)5! 2)So the combination is…1 2 3 4 5! That’s the stupidest combination ever! That’s something an idiot would put on his luggage!

1)All right. Left foot first. 2)Daddy, that’s your right foot! 1)Too late, keep going!

1)are we stopped? 2)yes. 1)Good how about a 5 minute break. 2)very good sir 1)smoke if you got em.

1)Barf.(after a few seconds). Barf.(few more) BARF!!!!2)Always when I’m eating.(goes to the front)What can I do you for, boss?

1)Find Anything? 2) We ain’t found shit.

1)Go to tracking 2)Tracking.. 1)Swith to infa-red 2)Switching to infa-red 1)and pray to god..2)Praying to god!

1)I don’t give a damn who it is, but I’m marryin somebody today. Who the hell are you? 2)Barf. 1)Your full name! 2)Barfalloveryou. 1) Are you the one that’s gettin married? 2) no. 1) Then sit down! OK. The Short, Short Version. Do you? 3) Yes. 1) You? 4) Yes! 1) Good, your married. Kiss her.

1)I’m your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roomate. 2)What’s that make us? 1) Nothing.

1)Now hear this! The first thing we’re gonna do when we land is get rid of the matched luggage! 2)Now you hear this, whoever you are! You will not touch the matched luggage! And furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up! I will not be rescued in such filth.

1)Ok, we’ll go to the short, short version. Do you?
2)Yes
1)Do you?
3)Yes
1)Good, you’re married, now kiss her.

1)Shall we have Snotty beam you down? 2)I don’t know about that beaming stuff. Are you sure it’s safe? 1)Oh, yes sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

1)Sir…sir 2)What? 1)Are we being to literal? 2)No, you fool. We were told to comb the desert so were combing it! Found anything yet? 3)Nothing yet, sir. 2)What about you? 4)Not a thing sir. 2)What about you guys? 5)We ain’t found Shit!!!

1)Use the Schwartz, Lonestar! Use the Schwartz! 2)I can’t! I lost the ring! 1)Forget the ring! The ring is bogus! I found it in a crackerjack box!

1)Use the shawrts. 2)But I lost the ring! 1) forget the ring. The ring is bubkis. I got it out of a Cracker Jack box.

1)What’s that? 2)Spaceballs! 1)Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

1)Who are you? 2)BARF! 1)Not in here, pal. This is a mercades. 2)No, that’s my name! Barf!

1)Who are you?! 2)I’m the bearded lady! What are you? One of the freaks?!!

1)You know that medallion you wear around your neck? Well, here’s what it means. It’s a royal birth certificate! That’s right! Your father was a king, your mother was a queen which makes you an honorary prince! 2)Hey! I’m a prince! I’m a prince!

1-2-3-4..thats the combination on my luggage

1-What the hell is this? I said take only what you need to survive. 2-It’s my industrial strength hair dryer…AND I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT!!!

1. How many assholes we got on this ship? crowd raises their hands: YO!!! 1. Keep firing assholes!

1. I’m not using this thing i hate guns! (BLAST) My hair!! He shot shot my hair!! That son of bitch. (shoots at soldiers who shot her hair)

1. So the combination is 1,2,3,4,5 … That’s the stupidest combination I’ve ever heard in my life! That’s the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
2. 1,2,3,4,5. That’s amazing I’ve got the same combination on my luggage.

1.) Hello, Charlene.
2.) I’m Marlene.
1.) Hello Marlene.
3.) I’m Charlene.
1.) Chew your gum.

1.)Waitress! What did he have?
2.) Oh, he had the special.
1.) The special? That’s what I got. Change my order to the soup!
3.) Good call.

1.What the hell am I lookin’ at? When does this happen in the movie?
2.Now. You’re looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
1.What happened to then?
2.We passed it.
1.When?
2.Just now. We’re at now, now.
1.Go back to then.
2.When?
1.Now.
2.Now?
1.Now!
2.I can’t.
1.Why?
2.We missed it.
1.When?
2.Just now.
1.When will then be now?
2.Soon.
1.How soon?
3.Sir!
1.What?
3.We’ve identified their location!
1.Where?
3.It’s the moon of Vega.
2.Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival!
1.When?
3.Nineteen hundred hours, sir!
2.By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!
1.Who?! (Helmet slams down)

1.Whats your name? 2. Barf 1. No what’s your full name? 2. Barfolomew

1: NO, NOT THAT!
2: YES…. THAT!!

1:Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr. 2:What? 1:I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate. 2:What’s that make us? 1:Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

1:Sir! The radar sir, it appears to be…jammed!
2:Raspberry. There’s only one man who would dare give me the raspberry.. Lone Starr!

1:So the combination is 1,2,3,4,5 … That’s the stupidest combination I’ve ever heard in my life! That’s the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage. 2: 1,2,3,4,5. That’s amazing I’ve got the same combination on my luggage

1:What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
2: Now. You’re looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
1: What happened to then?
2: We passed then.
1: When?
2: Just now. We’re at now, now.
1: Go back to then.
2: When?
1: Now!
2: Now?
1: Now!
2: I can’t.
1: Why?
2: We missed it.
1: When?
2: Just now.
1: When will then be now?
2: Soon

1:Who made that man a gunner? 2:I did, sir. He’s my cousin. 1:Who is he?
3:He’s an Asshole, sir.
1:I know that. What’s his name? 3:That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole. 1:And his cousin? 3:He’s an Asshole too, sir. Gunner’s Mate, First Class, Philip Asshole. 1:How many Assholes we got on this ship, any how?
Everyone: Yo!
1:I knew it. I’m surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes!

….there’s something wrong with the radar sir!

A brand new white Mercedes. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley.

ABANDON SHIP!!! ABANDON SHIP!!! WOMEN AND MAWGS FIRST!!!

And change the combination on my lugage!

And now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb!

Any minute now the Spaceballs are gonna make a major U-turn,head back this way, and make us all dead!!

At last, we meet for the first time for the last time (Lone Star)

Awww, why we gotta save a runaway princess anyway? I know we need the money but…Barf, we’re not just doing it for the money…we’re doin it for a SHIT LOAD of money! Ahh, you’re right, and when you’re right you’re right, and you, you’re always right. Ok we’ll save her but how? The moment we move in there they’re gonna spot us on their radar…Huh-uh…Uh-huh…Huh-uh…Uh-huh…Huh-uh, not if we JAM it! AH-HA…you’re right!

B: Nice Dissolve!

Barf-Oh god seems like we’re too late, i’ll just put it in reverse and we’ll get outta here. Lonestar-Barf, nooo, bad, B-But we’ll never get there, they’ll pick us up on their radar. L-No. B-Yeah L-No not if we jam ’em

Barf: We can’t get through without the radar picking us up. Lonestar: uh uh. Barf: uh huh. Lonestar: uh uh. Barf: uh huh. Lonestar: uh uh, not if we JAM IT! Barf: your right! and when your right, your right, and you,…your always right!

Barf:One million Spacebuck! We’ll be able to pay off Pizza the Hut! Lonestar:Gimme paw! (both howl like dogs)

C’mon, Schwartz! C’mon, Schwartz! C’MON, SCHWARTZ!!

Called me an idiot?! I’m going back there and explaining a few things to her!

Careful you idiot! I said across her nose! Not up it!

Careful you idoit i said across her nose not up it!

Chew your gum!

Cololnel Sanders:How about you two? You found anything yet? Black Gaurd:Man, we aint found shit!

Comb the desert!

Come back you fat bearded bitch!

Dark Helment Come back here you fat bearded bitch!

Dark Helmet-CAREFUL YOU IDIOT! I SAID ACROSS HER NOSE NOT UP IT!Gunner-Sorry sir, doing my best. Dark Helmet(to Col. Sanders)-Who made that man a gunner? Major Asshole-I did sir. He’s my cousin.
Dark Helmet(to Col. Sanders)-Who is he? Col. Sanders-He’s an asshole sir. Dark Helmet-I KNOW THAT! WHAT’S HIS NAME! Col. Sanders-That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole. Dark Helmet-And his cousin? Col. Sanders-He’s an Asshole too sir, Gunners Mate First Class Phillip Asshole. Dark Helmet(To everybody)-HOW MANY ASSHOLES WE GOT ON THIS SHIP ANYHOW?! Assholes(Most of Crew stands up)-Yo!!!! Dark Helmet-I knew it, I’m surrounded by assholes! KEEP FIRING ASSHOLES!!!!

Dark Helmet: (after breathing heavily in his mask) I can’t breathe in this thing!

Dark Helmet: Did you see any thing Colonel:No I did not see you playing with your dolls again

Dark Helmet: Find Anything? Soldier: We ain’t found shit!

Dark Helmet: I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former room-mate.
Lone Starr: What’s that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing

Dark Helmet: Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good, is dumb.

Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now….Your looking at now Sir…Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What hapened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We’re at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now? I can’t
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon. (energetically)

Dark helmet:theres only one person who would dare give my the raspberry..Lonestar

Dearly beloved,we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion to witness Princess Vespa,daughter of King Roland(Vespa runs past altar and down ramp)going right past the altar,heading down the ramp,and out the door!!!

DH: What the hell am I looking at? WHEN does THIS happen in the movie? KS: Now. You’re looking at now sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now. DH: What happened to then? KS: We past that. DH: When? KS: Just now. We’re at now now. DH: Go back to then! KS: When? DH: Now. KS: Now? DH: Now! KS: I can’t! DH: Why? KS: We missed it. DH: When? KS: JUst now. DH: When will then, be now? KS: Soon. DH: How soon? OFFICER: Sir! DH: What? OFFICER: We’ve contacted them on the radar! DH: Where? OFFICER: It’s the moon of Vega. KS: Good work, set a course and prepare for our arrival. DH: When?! KS: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners. DH: WHOOOO!!! (helmet slams shut.)

Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland!!

Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

Evil always defeats, because good is dumb

Evil always wins because good is stupid

Evil shall always triumph, because good is dumb.

Evil will always triumph cause good is dumb.

Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb

Forget it, forget it.. no more beaming.. this time I’m going to walk!

Forget the ring! The ring is pumpkin! I found it in a Cracker Jack box!

FUCK! EVEN IN THE FUTURE NOTHING WORKS!

Fuck,even in the future nothing works!

Funny she doesn’t look druish!

Funny! She dosen’t look Druish!

Funny, she doesn’t look Drewish

Good Enough.

Guard)What are you doing? Lone Star)The Vulcon Neck Pinch Guard)No,no its lower where the neck meets the shoulderblade Lone Star)Like this? Guard)Yea (Falls) Lone Star)Thanks

Haha, fooled you!

Hail Screw!

Hand print indentification please…hand print indentification please

Have you found anything yet? We ain’t found shit.

have you guys found anything. NO sir. How about you two over there? Nothing yet sir. How about you two? We aint found shit

Helmet)Say good-bye to your two best friends and I dont mean your pals in the Winnabago

Helmet, what’s going on? Sandurz, what’s going on? It’s Mega Maid! She’s gone from suck to blow! What? They’re getting all their air back, do something! Do something! Do something!

HELMET: Fire on 3, 2…
lonestar zooms away
HELMET: Wait a minute, where did they go? Where are they?
SANDUREZ: They must have hypet jets on that thing sir!
HELMET: And what do we have…A CUISINART?!??

HELMET: So, Lone Starr, if there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. Put her there.
(Helmet holds hand out for handshake. Lone Starr reaches over to shake Helmet’s hand, but Helmet pulls the ring of the Schwartz off of Lone Starr’s finger.)
HELMET: The ring! The ring! I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What’s with you man, come on?! Oh here, let me give it back to you. (throws the ring through a grating in the floor) Oh! You fell for that one too! I can’t believe it, man!

HELMET: YOGURT! YOGURT! I HATE YOGURT! Even with strawberries!
SANDURZ: I’ll call the attack squad, sir!
HELMET: NO! We can’t go in there! Yogurt has the Schwartz! It’s far too powerful!
SANDURZ: But sir, what about your ring? Don’t you have the Schwartz, too?
HELMET: Yeah, but he got the upside, I got the downside. There’s two sides to every Schwartz.
SANDURZ: Well how’ll we go in there and get her?
HELMET: (slams his visor)WE will not go in THERE. SHE will come out to US!

Helmet:(does not realize he’s looking at the coffee machine)What’s the matter with this thing,what’s all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?! Sanders:No sir,we call it(points at sign) Mr.Coffee!(timer dings) Care for some? Helmet:Yes!(Sanders pours some coffee)I always have coffee when I watch radar!You know that! Sanders:Of course I do,sir! Helmet:Everybody knows that! Crew:(covers up their privates)Of course we do sir!

Hey wait, you forgot to get Married.. will you stop?

Hey! Wait! You forgot to get married!

Hey! Your Schwartz is bigger than my Schwartz!!

HOLY SHIT

Hot Together.

Hot! Too hot!

How many assholes we got on this ship? ((YO!!)) I knew it, I’m surrounded by assholes.

I always have coffee when I watch radar – you know that!
Course I do, sir!
Everybody knows that!
OF COURSE WE DO, SIR!!!

I am your father’s, brother’s, nephew’s, cousin’s former roommate.
What does that makes us?
Absolutely nothing, which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die
You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let’s how well you handle it.

I AM YOUR FATHERS BROTHERS NEPHEWS COUSINS FORMER ROOMMATE

I bet she gives great helmet

I bet she gives great helmet…

I can’t believe it! You fell for the oldest trick in the book!

I hate rasberry, only one man would dare give me the rasberry, LONESTAR

I hear she gives good helmet

I knew it, I’m surrounded by assholes.

I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!

I see your Schwartz is a big as mine

I’ll have the cleavage, err.. I mean the soup.

I’m a mawg. Half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend.

I’m a mawg..half man..half dog…I’m my own best friend.

I’m a mawg: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend

I’m a mawg: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!

I’m a mog half man half dog I’m my own best friend

I’m a mog, half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend.

I’m a MOG. Half man half dog. I’m my own best friend.

I’m a mog. Half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend.

I’m a Mog. Half man…half dog. I’m my own best friend.

I’m a mog; half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend.

I’m barf…half man, half dog, i’m my own best friend.

I’m not touching this! I hate guns! (gets shot in the hair) My hair! He shot my hair! Son of a bitch!

I’m sorry i had to make a pit stop.. i was so excited i couldnt hold my oil

I’m surrounded by assholes

I’m your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.

If you can read this you don’t need glasses

im a mog, half man half dog. I’m my own best friend

im your father’s brother’s cousin’s former ex roomate

It’s funny, she doesn’t look Druish.

It’s Mega Maid! She’s gone from suck to blow!

It’s Mega Maid, sir! She’s gone from suck to blow!

It’s Mega-Maid!
She’s gone from
suck to blow!

It’s Mega-Maid! She’s gone from suck to blow!

It’s mega-maid. She’s gone from suck to blow!

It’s not that we’re afraid, far from it. It’s just we got this thing about death – it’s not us

It’s the radar, sir. It appears to be…jammed.

Just what we need… a Druish princess

Keep firing, Assholes!

LONE STARR: Here, you hold ’em off. I’ll get the
door.
VESPA: I ain’t shootin’ this thing. I hate guns.
(A TROOPER fires at VESPA’S hair. The laser blast
hits it.)
DOT: Ah.
VESPA: My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a bitch.
(cocks gun)
(VEPSA walks toward the TROOPERS. She starts firing
at the them. She hits every one of them. BARF and LONE STARR look up.)
BARF: Holy shit.
VESPA: (blows the barrel) How was that.
LONE STARR: Not bad.
BARF: Not bad for a girl.
DOT: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo

Lonestar) Just what we need. A Druish Princess. Barf)Funny, she doesn’t look Druish.

Look, you will refer to me as IDIOT, not you captain! I mean…you know what I mean.

Ludicrous speed!

Man, we aint found shit!!!!

May the Schwartz be with you.

mmm, i bet she gives great helmet!

Mog: Funny, she doesn’t look Druish!

My Hair! He shot my Hair! Son of a $#%@& !!

My Hair. HE SHOT MY HAIR! Son of a Bit**

My Heart Has A Mind Of Its Own.

My shwarts is bigger than yours

NO SIR! I DIDN’T SEE YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR DOLLS AGAIN!

No sir, I didn’t see you playing with your toys again!

Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Now you see that evil will always triumph…because good is dumb.

Officer: You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!

oh great a Jreuish Princess

Oh great! That’s all we need is another Druish princess!

Oh were moving alright.. backwards

Oh, I hate it when my schwartz gets twisted!

Oh, that’s all we needed – a Druish princess.

One, two, three, four, five? That’s amazing, I have the same combination on my luggage.

Only one man would dare give me the rasberry…..Lonestar

Only one man would dare give me the rasberry…LONESTAR!

Ooooo, you’re right. And when you’re right, you’re right. And you? You’re always right.

Out of order! Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!

Out of order, FUCK! Even in the future nothin’ works!

Out of order? F*CK! Even in the future, nothing works!

PIZZA THE HUT!

Preacher)We are gathered her today to witness Princess Vespa, going right past the alter down the ramp and out the door.

Prepare for metamorphysis. Are you ready Kafka?

Prepare ship for ludacris speed!

President Skroob!

President Skroob: I’ll be down immediately.
Cmdr. Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down?
President Skroob: I don’t know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Cmdr. Zircon: Oh, yes. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
President Skroob: Alright, I’ll take a shot at it. What the Hell, it works on Star Trek.

Priest: What’s you’re name?
Barf: Barf
Priest: What’s you’re FULL name?
Barf: Barfolomeu!

Prominent bumper sticker in movie: We brake for nobody

Raise Your Hands.

Raspberry.I hate raspberry!…Only one man dare give me the raspberry, Lonestar!

Sanders:We’re approaching Planet Druida sir. Dark Helmet: Good I’ll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediatly!(picks up phone) Rico:I already called him sir. He knows everything. Dark Helmet:(slams down phone) What?! You went over my helmet?! Rico:Well not exactly over it sir…uh..more to the side.I’ll always call you first.It’ll never happen again! Never! Never! (Helmet puts on Schwartz ring)Rico:Oh shit!!! No no no no no please no no please no not that!!!! Helmet:(pulls down face mask)Yes that!(aims green ray at Rico’s crotch) Rico:Waoooooo! Owwwwwwwwww! Waooooooooo!(guards come and take Rico away,who is limping in pain)

Sandurz, Sandurz, you gotta help me! I don’t know what to do! I can’t make decisions, I’m a president!

SANDURZ-We’re closing in on them sir. In less than a minute, Lone Star will be ours.
HELMET-(NOTE-HELMET IS DOWN)Good. Prepare to attack.
SANDURZ-PREPARE TO ATTACK!
HELMET-On the count of three. One…two…(Lone Star blasts out)LATE!!(FLIPS UP HELMET)WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE ARE THEY!
SANDURZ(terrified)-I don’t know sir, they must have hyperjets on that thing!
HELMET-AND WHAT HAVE WE GOT ON THIS THING A QUESINART?!
SANDURZ No, sir.
HELMET Well, find them catch them.
SANDURZ Yes, sir. (over loudspeaker) Prepare ship
for light speed.
HELMET No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
SANDURZ Light speed, too slow?
HELMET Yes, we’re gonna have to go right to ludicrous
speed.
(ALL gasp)
SANDURZ (gasp) Ludicrous speed? Sir, we’ve never
gone that fast before. I don’t know if this ship can take it.
HELMET What’s the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?
SANDURZ (in high pitch) Prepare ship, (back to
normal) prepare ship for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo….
HELMET (takes the microphone) GIMME THAT YOU PETTY EXCUSE FOR AN OFFICER!
SANDURZ sits in his seat and buckles up.
HELMET (in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous
speed….

SANDURZ Sir, hadn’t you better buckle up.
HELMET Aah, buckle this. (in microphone) Ludicrous
speed, GO!
The ship takes off. The display lights up: Light
Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. Helmet is being pulled back, screaming all the way.
HELMET WHOOAA! WHAT HAVE I DONE? MY BRAINS ARE GOING INTO MY FEET!

INT. EAGLE 5 – SPACE Spaceball 1 passes over them
leaving a plaid shadow.
BARF What the hell was that?
LONE STARR (AMAZED) Spaceball 1.
BARF (JUST AS AMAZED) They’ve gone to plaid.

INT. SPACEBALL 1-

HELMET-WE PASSED THEM! STOP THIS THING!
SANDURZ We can’t stop. It’s too dangerous. We
have to slow down first.
HELMET-BULLSHIT! JUST STOP THIS THING! I ORDER YOU! STOOOOOP!!!

INT. EAGLE 5 – SPACE Spaceball 1 passes over them
leaving a plaid shadow.
BARF What the hell was that?
LONE STARR (AMAZED) Spaceball 1.
BARF (JUST AS AMAZED) They’ve gone to plaid.

INT. SPACEBALL 1

HELMET-WE PASSED THEM! STOP THIS THING!
SANDURZ We can’t stop. It’s too dangerous. We
have to slow down first.
HELMET-BULLSHIT! JUST STOP THIS THING! I ORDER YOU! STOOOOOP!!!
(

INT. EAGLE 5 – SPACE Spaceball 1 passes over them
leaving a plaid shadow.
BARF What the hell was that?
LONE STARR (AMAZED) Spaceball 1.
BARF (JUST AS AMAZED) They’ve gone to plaid.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 – SPACE

HELMET WE PASSED THEM! STOP THIS THING!
SANDURZ We can’t stop. It’s too dangerous. We
have to slow down first.
HELMET BULLSHIT! JUST STOP THIS THING! I ORDER YOU! STOOOO

SANDURZ Sir, hadn’t you better buckle up.
HELMET Aah, buckle this. (in microphone) Ludicrous
speed, GO!
The ship takes off. The display lights up: Light
Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. Helmet is being pulled back.
HELMET WHOOAA! WHAT HAVE I DONE? MY BRAINS ARE GOING INTO MY FEET!

INT. EAGLE 5 – SPACE Spaceball 1 passes over them
leaving a plaid shadow.
BARF What the hell was that?
LONE STARR (AMAZED) Spaceball 1.
BARF (JUST AS AMAZED) They’ve gone to plaid.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 – SPACE

HELMET WE PASSED THEM! STOP THIS THING!
SANDURZ We can’t stop. It’s too dangerous. We
have to slow down first.
HELMET BULLSHIT! JUST STOP THIS THING! I ORDER YOU! STOOOOOP!!!
(SANDURZ pulls o

SANDURZ-We’re closing in on them sir. In less than a minute, Lone Star will be ours. HELMETGood. Prepare to attack. SANDURZ-PREPARE TO ATTACK! HELMET-On the count of three. One…two…(Lone Star blasts out)WAIT!!(FLIPS UP HELMET)WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE ARE THEY! SANDURZ-I don’t know sir, they must have hyperjets on that thing! HELMET-AND WHAT HAVE WE GOT ON THIS THING A CUISINART?!

(THIS HAS BEEN CORRECTED FOR YOU DUMBASSES THAT CAN’T SPELL. I JUST COPIED ONE, AND CAHGNED ONE WORD. ITS CUISINART. LETS SAY IT TOGETHER)

Say goodbye to your two best friends, … and I don’t mean the ones in the Winnebago!!

Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don’t mean the ones in the winebago.

Shall i have snotty beam you down sir?

shall i have snotty beam you down sir? i don’t know about that beaming stuff. is it safe? yes. snotty beamed me twice last night. it was wonderful. alright, i’ll give it a shot. what the h—. it works on star trek

She’s gone from suck to blow!

She’s gone from suck to blow!!!

Shit, I hated when I get my swartz twisted!

sir, it seems that we’ve been… jammed! -raspberry, I hate rasberries. Only one person would dare give me raspberry…. LONESTAR!!

Sir, the combination to the airshield is 1,2,3,4,5. 1,2,3,4,5…that’s amazing…I have the exact same combination on my locker!

Sir, the radar sir, it appears to be…JAMMED! Jammed…raspberry…There is only one man who would DARE give me the raspberry…LONESTAR….

Smoke If you got ’em

Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

So now you understand that evil will always triumph. Because good is dumb!

So you have the ring, and I can see your schwarts is as big as mine.

So, I see your schwartz is as big as mine!

So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time, for the last time.

spaceballs the flame thrower….the kids love this one.

Spaceballs?! Forget it,too dangerous! Besides,I’m already numero uno on Dark Helmet’s hit list.

That was my virgin alarm! It’s programmed to go off before you do!

The Apes: What are those things coming out of her nose?
–SPACEBALLS?
Oh, shit, there goes the planet.

The cobination is 1..(1) (1)2…2…2…3…3…3..4…4….4..5…5..5. So the combination is 1 2 3 4 5!!!thats ridiculoouse thats the combination an idiot wouls have on his luggage

The ring is bupkis. I found it in a cracker jack box!

There is something i must tell you, i am your father’s brother’s newphew’s former roommate…what does that make us.. absolutly nothing, which is what you are about to become.

There’s only one man who would dare give me the Raspberry, LONESTAR!

They’ve gone plaid!

This ship’s too long; I had to run. If I walked the movie would be over.

Too bad this isn’t the Wide World of Sports.

Vespa:father is that you? Dark Helmet: of course it is, i garantee it. would i lie? (vespa runs to what she thinks is her father and dark helmet appears then vespa faints and falls in his arms) Dark Helmet: FOOOOLLLED YOU!!!

Voice: 9,8,6, Dark Helmet: SIX! WHAT HAPPENED TO SEVEN! Voice: Just kidding. 7,6,5,4,3,2,1. Have a nice day. 3 Crewman: Thank you

Waitress: Hey! Watch where you’re putting that thing!
Customer at counter: Sorry, toots. It’s got a mind of its own.

Water my ASS get this guys some Pepto bismol!!!!!

Water my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!

We ain’t found shit!

We ain’t found shit!!

We are gathered here today to join Princess Vespa and Princess Val.. Sorry, its the hair.. Prince Vallium in…

We can’t stop…It’s too dangerous

We were lost and then Joe starts felling around on all the trees. He says I know we on Pluto. We said how can you tell, he says from the bark you dummy from the bark.

We’re done with you. Go to the golf course and work on your putz.

We’ve gone plaid!!

Well I hope it’s a long ceremony, cause it’s gonna be a short honeymoon!!!!!*evil laughing, followed by the spitting out of hot coffee*HOT!!!!!TOO….HOT!!!!!

What are you preparing?! You’re always preparing! Just go!

What’s the matter, Col. Sanderz- CHICKEN???

What’s your name?
Barf.
No, what’s your full name.
Barfolemew.

When does this happen in the movie? Now, your looking at now sir, Everything that happens now is happening now. What happened to then? We missed it. When? Just now. We’re at now, now. Go back to then. When? Now! Now? Now! I can’t. Why? We missed it. When? Just now, sir. When will then be now? Soon, sir.

Who made that man a gunner?! I did sir, he’s my cousin. Who’s he? He’s an asshole sir. I know that! Whats his name?! That is his name sir, Major Asshole. How many assholes do I working for me anyhow! YO! I knew it, I’m surrounded by Assholes!

Who’s he? He’s an asshole, sir. I know that; what’s his name? That is his name, sir, Asshole, Major Asshole! And his cousin? He’s an asshole too sir, First class Phillip Asshole. How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow? YO! I knew it, I’m surrounded by assholes. Keep firing, assholes!

Why didn’t somebody tell me my ass was so big?!!

Why didn’t someone tell me my ass was so big?!

Woah! Liquid Schwartz!

Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe as the . . .
Barf: The force?!
Yogurt: No, da Schwartz!

Yogurt: Who knows? We’ll just have to wait for SPACEBALLS 2: THE SEARCH FOR MORE MONEY.

You idiot! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!

You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!

You idiots! These aren’t them. You captured their stunt doubles!

You idiots, this isn’t them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!—Nameless commander

You know something princess, you are ugly when you’re angry.

You listen to me! On this ship you are to refer to me as Idiot,not You Captain! I mean….you know what I mean.

you’ve seen one princess, you’ve seen em’ all! cute! i know these space bums, they’re all alike! fat, ugly… buck-toothed, knock-kneed… beer swilling pigs! horse-faced space dogs! well normaly i don’t…ow! that’s gonna leave a mark!

Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Spaceballs’: Quotes from the movie ‘Spaceballs’

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