Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was YOU who put the oil in. Tommy: Hey, if you’re gonna say I didn’t put the right kind in, you’re wrong. I used 10W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident. Richard: True…but you can’t latch the hood too well IF YOU DON’T TAKE THE CAN OUT YOU NO SELLING WASTE OF SPACE! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE WORTHLESS! Tommy: I’m sorry about your car, but don’t call me worthless, I’m trying my best. I’m not my dad. Richard: That’s right your not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves! Tommy: Ketchup popsicle!? Richard: Yeah! I learned everything I know from him. I didn’t have a father and he looked out for me, but you, he was your real dad and you just took it for granted. HEY, I’M BIG TOM’S SON, HE’LL FIX EVERYTHING SO I’M ALLOWED TO BE A MORAN! Tommy: THAT’S IT! GET OUT! GET OUTTA THE CAR! IT’S GO TIME! YOU AND ME! Richard: Look mommmy! The rhino’s getting too close the car! Tommy: Him to ‘fraid to get out. He just a little guy. Richard: That’s it big boy, I’m gonna wail on you. You’re gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky! Tommy: HEY BOYS AND GIRLS, IT’S PAPA SMURF! Richard: You don’t want none of me, think it through. Tommy: Come on! Gimmie your best shot, I’ll give ya a free one, lemme have it!…That was it!? Come on, you can do better than that, can’t ya Cap’n Limpwrist…try again!…Hey everybody, is there a window open, I feel a draft!? Ugghh!! Uhhh! If I wanted a kiss I woulda called your mother…UGGHH!…that was a good one. Richard: Hey! Prehistoric Forest!
#1 i’m picking up your sarcasism #2 well i should hope so because i’m laying it on pretty thick
#1 Richard, What where you doing? #2 I was going over some documents. #1 Oh well where are they, Geez I don’t see them. #2 They’re in my briefcase. I thought you were getting pizza. #1 They’re closed. How could you be reading documents if they’re in your briefcase. Hum, that’s a mystery. Richard were you watching, Spanktravison? Or maybe you were watching a show with that funny little comedian, oh what’s his name? Buddy Wackit
#1 What is there to do in this town #2 You can throw things off the bridge
#1)Hey, did ya hear I finally graduated? #2)Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right. #1)You know a lot a people go to college for 7 years. #2)I know, they’re called doctors!
#1-Yeah well I wouldn’t say you did much better. Thought you were so cool. Watch and learn he says. Well I was watching you know what I saw? #1&2-AAAHH! #1-IT’S ALIVE! I think it tried to bite me!
#1. bees in the car, bees everywhere, god theyre huge, theyre ripping my flesh off! officer 1. son uh, roll around, u hear me? roll around on the ground. #1. forget that im starting to swell up. #2.save yourself, dont be the hero. officer 2. frank, im allergic to bees. officer 1. me too. #1. theyre huge and theyre sting crazy. officer 1. we..we’ll come back later and check on ya. officer 2. yeah in a while. #2. save yourself. #1 your firearms are useless against them. #1 & #2. AHHHHHHHHH
#1: A lot of people go to college for ten years.
#2: Yeah, they’re called doctors.
#1: I’ll have some chicken wings.#2: Kitchen’s closed. All we got’s cold stuff and desserts.#1: Boy some chicken wings’d really hit the spot, are you sure the kitchens closed?#2: Lemme check. Yep, still closed.
#1: Is that Tommy? He looks bloated.#2: Yeah that’s him, the camera adds a few hundred pounds.
#1: Not here. Or here so much. But right here. #2: Nope, shipshape.
#1Whoa Man, haha, hey guys do i look different now that im a college grad. #2Um, not really. #1 It’s obvious they give alot more D+’s then D-‘s i’ll tell you that right now. #3 Yeah, you said that. #2 So that’s it for school huh, now what? #1 No Idea, hahaha. But for now i’ll probably go back and work at dad’s loading docks, then we’ll see. #4 Well im going to miss you man you were the best. #1 No man you were the best, i love all you guys…expecially you uhh, HAHAHAHA. I’m going to make at toast. To the best bunch of rugby freaks ever born. Maybe weren’t the smartest kids on campus. Hm, maybe we spent a little to much time thrown up off balaconies, but we had fun right? Yeah. (takes hit from bong. cont.) Now some of us are leaving and that is sad, but were not going down, no way. We’re going to show this world a thing or two. We’re going to show. (Collapses through table) Guys: Haha HAHAHAHA
‘Hey lady, look out! There’s a big fat whale on your boat!’ ‘Yeah, Free Willy!’ ‘Listen up, you little spazioids! I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep, and I swear to everything Holy, you’re mother’s will cry when they see what I’ve done to you!’
( TOmmy is eating fries using lots of ketchup) Richard:Ewww, I can actually hear you getting fatter. Tommy:Shut up Richard
( Tommy’s doin’ a hand stand and lets out a
puff of smoke)WOMBAT!
(1)A lot of people go to college for seven years…
(2)Yeah, they’re called doctors!
(1)Alright, now it’s sale time. So remember we don’t take no…
(2)No shit from anyone!
(1)Nooo…
(2)Uh, we don’t take no prisoners…
(1)We don’t take no for an answer
(2)Oh Yeah! We don’t take NO for an answer!
(1)Aww… that’s gonna up the resale value… melted chocolate in the dash.
(2)I think we’re gonna be okay here. They have a thin candy shell on it. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.
(1)I think your brain has a thick candy shell on it.
(2)Your brain’s the one with… the shell on it.
(1)Got that?
(2)Shut up Richard!
(1)Hey Gilligan! Did you eat the skipper!?
(2)YOU BETTER PRAY TO THE GOD OF SKINNY PUNKS THAT THIS WIND DOESN’T PICK UP, CAUSE I’LL COME OVER THERE AND JAM AN OAR UP YOUR ASS!
(1)Hey! There’s even a fridge! This is great! You could put six packs of b… soda in here…milk…yogurt…you could put candy bars in the freezer!
(2)Anything that you want to keep cool.
(1)Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was YOU who put the oil in.
(2)Hey, if you’re gonna say I didn’t put the right kind in, you’re wrong. I used 10W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
(1)True…but you can’t latch the hood too well IF YOU DON’T TAKE THE CAN OUT YOU NO SELLING WASTE OF SPACE! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE WORTHLESS!
(2)I’m sorry about your car, but don’t call me worthless, I’m trying my best. I’m not my dad.
(1)That’s right you’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!
(2)Ketchup popsicle!?
(1)Yeah! I learned everything I know from him. I didn’t have a father and he looked out for me, but you, he was your real dad and you just took it for granted. HEY, I’M BIG TOM’S SON, HE’LL FIX EVERYTHING SO I’M ALLOWED TO BE A MORON!
(2)THAT’S IT! GET OUT! GET OUTTA THE CAR! IT’S GO TIME! YOU AND ME!
(1)Look mommmy! The rhino’s getting too close the car!
(2)Him too ‘fraid to get out. He just a little guy.
(1)That’s it big boy, I’m gonna wail on you. You’re gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky!
(2)HEY BOYS AND GIRLS, IT’S PAPA SMURF!
(1)You don’t want none of me, think it through.
(2)Come on! Gimme your best shot, I’ll give ya a free one, lemme have it!…That was it!? Come on, you can do better than that, can’t ya Cap’n Limpwrist…try again!… Hey everybody, is there a window open, I feel a draft! Ugghh!! Uhhh! If I wanted a kiss I woulda called your mother… UGGHH!…that was a good one.
(1)Hey! Prehistoric Forest!
(1)I don’t see any McKeesPort.
(2)It’s the next town Tons-o-fun, it’s gotta be there. Ok, where’s Moron? Ok, Moron’s here so McKeesPort…
(1)If this factory goes under this whole town goes under.
(2)And that’s when the whores come in.
(Groans from the group)
(3)Here we go…
(4)’Scuse me? What was that?
(Groans from the group again)
(2)Men laying their trick money down. $20 to pay the rent? Hm? Maybe instead I’ll spend it on the whore!
(1)It’s a clip-on.
(2)Are you sure?
(1)Oh no, loading it up took us over an hour. Now we only got 20 minutes before Brady Automotive closes.
(2)Yeah, well, where are we gonna take the deer?
(1)I don’t know, the vet?
(2)You take dead animals to the vet?
(1)Why not? Take you to the vet.
(2)Yeah, I’ll take you to the……
(1)Got that?
(2)Shut up.
(1)Richard, check out my new office!
(2)You have a window. And why shouldn’t you? You’ve been here ten minutes.
(1)That’s it! Outta the car!
(2)Mommy, mommy, the rhino’s getting close.
(1)Oh, him’s afwaid, him’s just a wittle guy.
(2)That’s it big fella, I’m gonna wail on you.
(1)Well look everybody, it’s Papa Smurf!
(2)Think it over, you don’t want any of me.
(1)Come on, gimme your best shot. *punch* That was it? Come on you can do better than that can’t you, Captain Limpwrist? *punch* Hey is there a window open? I think I feel a draft. *several punches* If would of wanted a kiss I would gone to your mother. *wack with 2×4* That was a good one.
(1)Why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
(2)’Cause they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit. That’s all it is, isn’t it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed I will, I got spare time.
(1)You can’t just go in and out. You gotta finese ’em a little bit.
(2)Hey, by finese do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?
(1-Now lets see what happens when your driving with the other guys breakpads your driving along and all of sudden your kids start yelling from the backseat i gotta go to the bathroom daddy!Not now dammit!Truck tire!SCHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!I CAN’T STOP!(Sound of car crashing into the table)Theres a cliff!AHHHHHHHHHHHH!And your family’s screeming,OH MY GOD WHERE BURNING ALIVE!NOOOOOO I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!In comes the meat wagon(siren)andthe medic gets out and says oh my god.New guys in the corner pukin’ his guts out,(throwing up sound)All because you want to save a couple of pennies,now to me..
(2GET OUT,NOOOW!
(after hugging a guy) I wish we’d known each other. This is a little awkward.
(after hugging) I wish we had known each other. This is a little awkward
(Carpenter’s song playing in the background) Long ago and oh so far away…Talk about lame…yeah totally…you can chang it if you want…I don’t care it’s up to you…I can live with it if you can…suit yourself …pause… (Richard and Tommy in tearful unison)Don’t you remember you told me you love me baby…
(p1):maybe you shoulda called. (p2): I did call, earlier
(p1)earlier… when was that? (p2) Err, later when I left a message. (p1)A message? what number did you call? (p2) 2-4-9er-5-6-7-8 (p1) I can’t hear you, you’re trailing off, and did I catch a 9er in there were you calling from a walkie talkie? (p2) no it was cordless… hey did you know i finished college? (p1) yeah and just a shade under a decade, alright! (p2) A lot of people go to college for 7 years (p1) i know, they’re called doctors
(richard opens door and it falls off) Tommy: What’d you do!!
(singing)Fat guy in a little coat…fat guy in a little coat.
(Tb)does this suit make me look fat?
(R)No, no, your face does
(Tommy is searching a map with no luck) Richard: Ok where’s moron? Ok Moron’s here *points at Tommy* Look Magellan we’re at this wrinkle here.
*KNOCK**KNOCK* HOUSEKEEPING!
-Lot’s a people gp to college for seven years.
-Yeah, they’re called doctors.
…and by ‘finesse’ do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?
…And that’s when the WHORES come in…
…but for now, for your customer’s sake, for your daughter’s sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
…next thing ya know, there’s change missin’ off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
1) *name*, is there a mark on my face? 2) No, *name*, there isn’t. 1) See, it doesn’t hurt so much here, or here, but it does right here. 2) Nope, there’s no mark.
1) i was just checking the specks on the rotary for tghe gurter im retarded.
1) Is that for me? 2) No son, that’s for me.
1) Is this your first time? 2) Yeah Tommy, I’m afraid it is. 1) I can’t believe you’ve never been cow tipping before!
1) It’s a clip-on
2)Are ya sure?
1) listen im gonna need your john hancock on this one 2)john hancock, its HERBY hancock haha
1) you got any money? cuz i got a plan… 2) yikes
1) you know i think you8r gunna be ok here tehy have a thin candy shell im surprised you didnt know that 2) i think your brain has a thick candy shell. 1) your heads got the.. shell on it… 2)you got that. 1) shut up richard.
1)Did you eat paint chips as a kid…..2)Yeah So?
1)Everybody this’ll only take a second. (everyone screams and drops to the floor) 2)Have you done this before?
1)I saw your step-brother kissing your step-mother. 2)So? 1)With his tongue. 1 and 3)Eww!
1)Look Mommy the rinos getting too close to the car 2) Him too afraid to get out, he just a little guy 1) Thats it big boy I’m gonna whale on you
1)There they are, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left she’s perfect. Which one do you want? Huh huh huh? OK. 2)Does it really matter? 1)Oh yeah, wait a second, is this your first time? 2)Yeah Tommy it is. 1)Hun your gonna remember this the rest of your life. I can’t beleive you’ve never been cow tippin before. Well get ready to live. Now what you do is you put your shoulders into her and you push. 2)And? 1)They fall over. (laughing) 2)Doesn’t this strike you as kinda dumb? 1)We’re family, we’re gonna be doin tons of dumb stuff. Wait til Christmas.
1)YOU TAKE DEAD ANIMALS TO THE VET 2) well ill take you to the… 1) ya got that 2) shut up richard
1. A lot of people take seven years to graduate from college. 2. Yeah they call them doctors.
1. Hey, did you hear I finally graduated? 2. Yeah, in just a shade under a decade too! 1. Shut up! you know, a lot of people go to college for 7 years. 1. I know, they’re called doctors!
1. I saw your brother and your stepmom at the airport and they were kissing. 2. So? 1. With their tongues. 2. Ahh, doin’ his mommy.
1. LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER…..IT’S FROM STARWARS 2. I KNOW
1. this town doesn’t know what’s about to hit it. 2. fish in a barrel. people are the fish, town’s the barrel. POW! fish in a barrel…
1. went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume. 2. it’s an air freshener sir. 1. great, you’ve pinpointed it. Step two is washing it off.
1. You know a lot of people go to college for ten years. 2. Yeah, they’re called doctors.
1. You worthless no selling waste of space. 2. I know I’m not my dad but you dont have to call me worthless. 1. Your right, your not your dad, Your dad could sell a ketsup popsicle to a woman with white gloves. The one person that should care about the business, you, doesn’t.
1.) Aww… that’s gonna up the resale value… melted chocolate in the dash.
2.) I think we’re gonna be okay here. They have a thin candy shell on it. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.
1.) I think your brain has a thick candy shell on it.
2.) You’re brain’s the one with… the shell on it.
1.) Got that?
2.) Shut up *name*!
1.)Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they’re huge! they’re ripping my flesh off! 2.)son… uh.. roll around! roll around on the ground! 1.)Forget that, I’m starting to swell up! 3.)Save yourself! don’t be the hero! 2.)Frank.. I’m allergic to bees! 4.)me too! 1.)They’re huge and they’re sting crazy! 2.)We’ll come back and we’ll check on you! 3.)save yourself! 1.)your fire arms are useless against them!
1.jesus, what happened to you did you fall into some white mud?2. There is no such thing as white mudd!!1. No dats cuz i said did…. you .. fall… into… some …. crud!!!
1.So, how do we look? 2. Chubby!?
1: Hey Gilligan! Did you eat the skipper!? 2: YOU BETTER PRAY TO THE GOD OF SKINNY PUNKS THAT THIS WIND DOESN’T PICK UP, CAUSE I’LL COME OVER THERE AND JAM AN OAR UP YOUR ASS!
1: Hey, I’ll tell ya what, you can take a good look at a butcher’s ass by sticking your head up there, but wouldn’t you rather take his word for it? 2: What? I’m failing to make the connection here, son. 1: No, I mean, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher’s ass, but then…no, it’s gotta be your bull. 3: Wow. 1: Here’s the deal. If I want you… 3: You have derailed. 1: Shut up, Richard! 2: Boy, I’m really at a loss for words here. 1: Forget it, I quit! I can’t do this anymore, man. My head’s about to explode! My whole life sucks! I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t know where I’m going! My dad just died! We just killed Bambi! I’m out here gettin’ my ass kicked, and everytime I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge impartment!
1: Look out! I’ve got cat like speed and reflexes!…WAAAAAA…AAAAA…AAAAAAA! I was checking the…uh…ssspecks on the endline, for the rotary girder…I’m retarded…I… 2: Ok, Tom!
Kid in Bank: Hey, Mom! It’s the guy who robbed the bank.
Tommy: I didn’t rob any bank.
Kid in Bank: Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.
Tommy: I got a tiny head?
Mrs. Nelson: Honey, look at this human bomb on the news.
Ted Nelson: Huh? Yeah. I buy break pads off him. I thought we were watching cartoons.
Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News: Is that why you strapped a bomb to your chest?
Tommy: Oh, this isn’t a bomb. These are road flares.
Ray Zalinsky: Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something?
Tommy: Ha ha ha. Why?
Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: [laughs] Why?
Ray Zalinsky: Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid.
Tommy: Sir, it’s a taxicab air freshener.
Ray Zalinsky: Great. You’ve pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.
Tommy: R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That’s a one-day delivery, but you’ve got it marked down for two.
R.T.: That’s because it’s going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio.
[shows Tommy the shipping address]
R.T.: You see these letters by the city? That’s called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?
Tommy: Uh…that’s pretty much it for now.
R.T.: Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe.
Tommy: Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn’t the end. No way. We’re gonna show this world a thing or two. We’re going to show–
[he passes out and falls on a table and smashes it]
>It’s a clip on. >>Are you sure?
>Oh great M&M’s inside the dash, that’ll really up the resale value of the car.
>>They have a thin candy shell, I’m surprised you didn’t know that.
>I think your head has a thick candy shell. >>Shut up Richard. >Are you still talking?
>What is that smell? >>It’s pine, car airfreshener sir. >Great, now that you’ve pinpointed the smell, the next step is eliminating it.
A D+? Oh…My…God. I PASSED!
A) Richard, I’ve…got…a…plan. B) Yikes!
A) You can put six packs of bee…sodas, candy bars… B) Yeah, son, whatever you want to keep cold.
A: You can get a six pack of beee…Coke in here. B: Anything you want to keep cold.
and that’s when the whores will come
And this is what happens when you use the other guy’s brake pads: You’re drivin’ along, you’re drivin’ along kid’s are in the back seat screamin’, “Daddy I gotta pee!” “Not now, damn it!”. Uh oh, truck tire (brakes screeching). I can’t stop! Oh there’s cliff. (makes crashing noises). Oh we’re burning alive! I can’t feel my legs! In comes the meat wagon (makes siren noises). Ordely steps out and looks at the wreckage, “Oh my God.” New guy’s over the corner pukin’ his guts out (wretching). All because you wanted to save a couple of pennies.
Apparently they give a lot fewer D+’s than D-‘s. It’s not a grade they like to give out, I’ll tell ya that right now.
awesome…you can put a six pack of be..soda in there!
Awww! Melted candy in the dash that really ups the resale value!
Bees! Killer bees! Save yourself! Your firearms are useless against them!
boy
Brother’s don’t shake hands, brothers hug!!!-tommy
Brothers don’t sahke hands. Brothers gotta hug!
Brothers don’t shake hands
Brothers don’t shake hands – BROTHERS HUG!!
Brothers don’t shake hands! Brothers gotta hug!
BROTHERS DON’T SHAKE HANDS, BROTHERS GOT TO HUG
BROTHERS DON’T SHAKE HANDS, BROTHERS GOTTA HUG
Brothers don’t shake hands, brothers gotta hug!
Brothers don’t shake hands, brothers hug!
Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug!
Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers hug!
Brothers don’t shake hands….brothers HUUUUUG.
Brothers don’t shake hands…Brothers gotta hh ug
Brothers don’t shake hands…brothers gotta hug!
Brothers don’t shake hands…brothers gotta hug!!
Brothers don’t shake hands…brothers gotta hug!!!
BROTHERS DON’T SHAKE HANDS..BROTHERS GOTTA HUG!
Brothers Dont Shake Hands , Brothers Gatta HUG!
Brothers dont shake hands…Brothers gotta hug
But what if the Guarantee Fairy’s a crazy glue sniffer? Next thing you know there’s change missing from your dresser and your daughter’s knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times
Can we get any more moths in here?
Can we get any more moths in here?
Chicken Wings!
Could’ve done without that!
Daddy I need to go to the bathroom. Not now dangit! Oh no I can’t stop. BANG BANG. Oh my God were burning alive. Here comes the Ambulance. WEEU WEEU.
David Spade: I know you’sd like to sit there being not slim, but we’ve got work to do.
Did I catch a niner in there? Were ya callin’ from a walkie-talkie?
Did I hear a niner in there? Are you talking on a walky-talky?
Did you climb on powerlines as a kid.Haha, Why?
Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
did you eat alot of paint chips as a kid?
Does this suit make me look fat? No, no your face does
Don’t tell me you’ve never been cow dipping before! Get ready to live…
EXCUSE ME!…… This will only take a minute of your time!
Excuse me, excuse me……D plus…no way…I..passed! Im gonna graduate!I passed!!(hugs guy)I wish we would have known each other, this is a little awkward.I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fat guy in a little coat
Fat Guy in a little coat…Fat Guy in a little coat…
Fat guy in a littleee coat, Fattt guyyy in a littleeeee coatt…….Oh Richard
Fat man in little coat
For the love of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forget it, I quit! I can’t do this anymore, man! My head’s about to explode! My whole life sucks! I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going! My dad just died.. We just killed Bambi.. I’m out here getting my ass kicked, and everytime I drive down the road, I want to jerk the wheel into a god-damn bridge embankment.
Gas Station Clerk: I’m picking up your sarcasm. Richard: That’s because I’m laying it on you pretty think.
God, I can hear you getting fatter
He’s a big dumb animal isn’t he folks?
He’s vacuming. I don’t know I guess he’s clean.
heres what i think of calahan auto parts *pissssss*zzzzzz*(gets shocked by the elctrical box
Hey bro’ all that you can handle..
hey brother….hi you must be tommy, i’m paul….brothers dont shake hands, brothers gotta HUG!
Hey can you speak a little louder? i can’t hear you richard’s vacuuming…i don’t know i guess he’s clean?
Hey Richard, is that your coat, dont even think about it fat guy in a little coat, Im serious man dont, Fat Guy in a little coat Fatguy in a little coat, oh Richard whats happening. Ripppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
Hey Richard… who’s your faavorite Little Rascal? Is it Alfalfa or is it Spanky? Sinner….
hey tommy lok at that bigass bimbo
yaaaaaaa shes awsome
Hey!, prehistoric village.
Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed I will, I got spare time…
hi i’m tom
Holy lord! aught this one right after Thanksgiving feast! I need a pooper scooper!
Holy shnikees!
HOLY SHNIKEYS!!!
Holy Shnikeys!!!!
House keeping, you want mint for pillow?
House Keeping…You want change of sheets?….Noo…want..sleepy…go away….House keeping..you want pillow fluffed? No….i wanna sleep…House Keeping….You want mint for pillow? NO! i want sleepy…please let me SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!…Oh richard…it’s YOU!!!!—Cadillac
Housekeeping you want meet jerk you off..? (Jumping up qickly from his bed)What kind of motel is this.
Housekeeping!
Housekeeping, want me Jack – You – Off
Housekeeping, you want me jack you off?
how do we look? chubby….hahahha…i think that’s the champagne talking…
I can almost hear you getting fatter.
I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take the butchers word for it!
I can’t believe he called me a phsycho…were you in there just a second ago? you are a phsycho!
I could hear you getting fatter
I got a D I passed! I passed!….I…I wish we would have known eachother….this is a little ackward…
i got a D+!! I’m gonna graduate!
I have seen a lot of things in my life, but that…was…AWESOME!! Oh, but sorry about your car man. That..that sucks…
I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.
i have what doctors like to call a little bit of a weight problem.
i have what doctors like to call and little bit of a weight problem
I have what the doctors call, a little bit of a weight problem.
I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep and I swear to all that is holy your mothers will weep when they see what I’ve done to you.
I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep and I swear to everything holy your mothers will weep when they see what I’ve done to you!
I know where you live, and I’ve seen where you sleep and swear on everything holy, your mothers will CRY when they see what I’ve done to you!
I know where you sleep and I’ve seen where you live. I swear on all that’s holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I’ve done to you.
I LOVE YOU, BROTHER!!!!!!!
I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life but…that..was…AWESOME! But sorry about your car man… it sucks.
I think it tried to bite me!
I used to get bear claws lodged, two at a time, right here!
I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and i’de get them lodged, right in this region here
I was checking the uh.. specs on the end line.. for the rotary… gurter… I’m retarded.
I was just checking the rotary girder…I’m retarded!
I was just checking the specs for the rotary, girder, thingy, I’m retarded!
I was just checking the, ah, specks on the endline for the rotary gurter… I’m retarded…
I was just checking the, ah, specs on the endline for the rotary girder… I’m retarded…
I was just going over some documents.
I’ll just have a sugar packet or two!
I’m a maniac MANIAC
I’m a maniac, MANIAC!
I’ve got cat like speed and reflex
I’ve seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that… was… AWESOME!!! Oh, sorry about your car, man.
If I wanted a kiss I would have called your mother!
if i wanted a kiss i woulda called your mother!
If I wanted a kiss I woulda called your mother.
If you want me to take a sh*t in a box and mark it guaranteed, ive got spare time.
Is it just me or does Tommy look Bloated. No, the camera adds a couple…hundred pounds.
Is that all ya got Captain Limp Wrist?
It doesn’t hurt here. And it doesn’t hurt here. Just right in here.
It doesn’t matter if we got the chicken wings, we still got the meat lovers’ pizza in the trunk!
It doesnt hurt here, or here so much, but right here.
It looks real!
It’s called reading, top to bottom left to right. A group a words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.
It’s called reading. Top to bottom, left to right, group words together as a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches… Midol for any cramps.
It’s called reading… top to bottom… left to right. You group words together to form a sentence. Take tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.
its called reading top to bottm left to right
take tynol for headaches midol for cramps
Ive got cat like speeding reflexes!
Jesus, what the hell happened to your face?
john hancock…..its herbie hancock
Kid 1: Hey,tubo,you ain’t moving! Tommy:Yeah,need a little wind here. Kid 2: No,you need to drop a couple hundred pounds,blimp! Tommy:I guess that’s what you think! Kid 3:Hey,yo,santa’s limp,like your d—! Tommy:Watch your language in front of the lady punk! Kid 1:Hey,Gilligan!Did you eat the Skipper? Tommy:You better prat to the lord of skinny punks,that this wind dosen’t pick up,cause I’ll come over there,and jam a oar up your a–! Kid 2:Hey,lady look out,there’s a fat whale on your boat! Kid 3:Yeah,Free Willy! Michelle:Listen up,you little spazioids!I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep,and I swear to everything Holy,you’re mother’s will cry when they see what I’ve done to you! I was just kidding,I have no idea where they live. Tommy:That was awesome!
kid:Hey there’s the guy that robbed the bank.Tommy:I didn’t rob any bank. kid:Yeah right like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head! Tommy:I have a tiny head?!
Killer bees! AAAAHHHHH! Protect yourself, your firearms are useless against them
Knock knock knock……Housekeeping,Housekeeping, You want mint on your pillow? NO! go away! knock knock…housekeeping, you want french kissing, nooo leave me alone….housekeeping you want me jerk you off..wat the?!
Lady:Then the Whores come in…WHORES! doin their little be–hind dance for the men folk! . Richard:i kinda like her idea . man: i visited a prostitute once during the war and my life has been a living hell ever since
Late again Tommy, your pathetic, Shut up Richard
Late again Tommy? You’re pathetic! Shut up Richard!!!
Late again Tommy? Shut up Richard!
Let me tell you why i SUCK as a salesman, lets say i go into some guy’s office, lets say he’s even remotely interested in buying something, well then i get all excited, i’m like Jojo, the indian circus boy with a pretty new pet, the pet is my possible sale. ohh my pretty little pet, I LOVE YOU!! so i stroke it, and i pet it, and i masaaage it. hee hee hee, I LOVE IT!! i love my little naughty pet, YOU’RE NAUGHTY!! then i take my naughty pet, and i go, phggghhhh!!! phhgggghhhh!!!! OHHHHHHH!!!!! I KILLED IT, I KILLED MY SALE!!! And thats when i blow it. Thats when people like you and me have to forge ahead Helen, am i right? (Helen) God, you’re sick, tell you what, i’ll go in the back and throw some wings n the burners for you, ok?
(Tommy)THANKS HELEN!!! Tommy likie!!! Tommy want wingy!!!
Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Let’s say I go into some guy’s office. Let’s say he’s even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I’m like Jojo, the indian circus boy with a pretty new pet. My pet is my possible sale so I stroke it and I pet it and I massage. Yeah I love my little naughty pet, your naughty. And then I take my naughty pet and I go (ripping noise). Ahhhh. I killed it. I killed my sale. That’s when I blow it.
Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Say I walk into some guys office and he’s even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited and I’m like Jo-Jo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet, is my possible sale. Oh my pretty little pet. I love you. So I stroke it….and I pet it….and I massage it. And I love my little naughty pet. You’re naughty… And then I take my naughty pet and I go….AHHHH! I killed it. I killed my sale!
Let me tell you why I suck as a Salesman. Say I walk into some guys office and he’s even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited and I’m like Jo-Jo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet, is my possible sale. Oh my pretty little pet. I love you. So I stroke it….and I pet it….and I massage it. And I love my little naughty pet. You’re naughty… And then I take my naughty pet and I go….AHHHH! I killed it. I killed my sale!
Let’s say the average person uses 10% of their brain. You on the other hand use 1 1/2%. The rest of your brain is covered with Molted Hoppes and Bong Resin!
Let’s say the average person uses ten percent of their brain…how much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
Let’s say your drivin’ along the raod with your family and your drivin’ along la de la woo woo. And all of a sudden there’s a truck tire in the middle of the road. And then you hit then you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR! Woah , That was close! HA HA. And now let’s see what happens when your drivin’ with the other guys brake pads. Your drivin’ along, your drivin’ along and the kids are yellin’ from the back seat. I gotta go to the bathroom daddy. NOT NOW DAMN IT! Truck tire EEEEERRRRRRR! I CAN’T STOP!!!!!!! UUUGH UGGH HELP! There’s a cliff AHHHHH! Bang! And your family’s screamin’ OH MY GOD, WERE BURNING ALIVE! NO, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS! Here comes the meat wagon WWEEEEOOOOOO WWWWWWEEEEEOOOOO. And the medic gets out and says OH MY GOD! New guy’s in the corner pukin’ his guts out BLLLLLAAAHHHHH BBBBBBLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH! All becouse you wanted to save a couple extra Pennies.
Lil’ roots please stay strong!
Listen up this will only take a second
listen up you little spazoids i know where you live and ive seen where you sleep and i swear on evry thing holy that your mothers will cry when they see what i’ve done to you…i was just kidding, i dont know where they live
Listen, I know you’d love to just sit there and keep being not slim, but we have work to do.
Look kids, it’s Papa Smurf.
Look Magellan, we’re at this wrinkle, here…..
Luuuke I am your faaaather, lor lor lay lo
Mommy mommy the rhinos getting to close to the car!!
my dad just died, i just killed bambi, and everytime i drive i wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge impartment.
My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.
My shoulder doesn’t hurt very much, but my face does… RIGHT here… not here… or here so much, but RIGHT HERE.
Next thing you know there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
Next thing you know there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
NICE DISTANCE!
No offence, but if I sent a picture of your mom to my friends she’d defenitly be bonner of the month.
No Tommy, don’t give her the weight room line, scram!
No,it’s got to be your bull
No… I mean.. you could get a good look at a T-BONE by sticking your head up a BUTCHER’S ass… but then… NO.. it’s got to be your bull.
No…its gotta be your bull.
NOT HERE OR HERE, BUT RIGHT HERE
Now let’s see what happens when you drive with the OTHER guy’s brake-pads.. you’re driving along, you’re driving along, then all of a sudden the kids are yelling in the backseat, ‘I gotta go to the bathroom, daddy!’, ‘NOT NOW, DAMNIT!’– truck tire! RRRRR! I can’t stop!!! AHHH!! AHHH! HELLLP! THERE’S A CLIFF!!! AHHHHHH!! And your family’s screaming, ‘OH MY GOD, WE’RE BURNING ALIVE!! NOOO, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!’ In comes the meat wagon! WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO.. And the medic gets out and says ‘OH MY GOD…’… new guy’s in the corner puking his guts out… all because… you wanted to save a few extra pennies…
Now some of us are leaving and that is sad. But this isn’t the end. No way! We’re gonna show this world a thing or to… We’re gonna…. CRASSHHHHH!!
Oh pray to the gods all skinny punks, that tgis wind dont pick or ill comeover there and shove a oar up your ass.
Oh, I’ve interrupted happy hour!
Oh, look you’ve got a window. And why shouldn’t you…you’ve been her five minutes!
Oh, look you’ve got a window. And why shouldn’t you…you’ve been here five minutes!
Oooh yeh thats it, thaats it, time to take off that itchy robe.
No no its OK, theres no-one around.
Its NAUGHTY TIME!
ow let’s see what happens when you drive with the OTHER guy’s brake-pads.. you’re driving along, you’re driving along, then all of a sudden the kids are yelling in the backseat, ‘I gotta go to the bathroom, daddy!’, ‘NOT NOW, DAMNIT!’– truck tire! RRRRR! I can’t stop!!! AHHH!! AHHH! HELLLP! THERE’S A CLIFF!!! AHHHHHH!! And your family’s screaming, ‘OH MY GOD, WE’RE BURNING ALIVE!! NOOO, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!’ In comes the meat wagon! WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO.. And the medic gets out and says ‘OH MY GOD…’… new guy’s in the corner puking his guts out… all because… you wanted to save a few extra pennies…
Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid? Tommy: Why?
Paul: So what do you guys do in this town BESIDES eat?
Tommy: Oh we can go scope the 4-H babes, Throw things off a bridge…..
Paul: I was kind of hoping for something a little more exciting.
Tommy: oh, all you can handle brother!
Quit playing with your Dingy!!!
Richard Hayden: Ya know what? If you don’t know how to use your seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tackhammer because you are a retard.
Richard were you watching SPANKtravision? Hey that’s a pretty girl down there, I wonder if she dates one of the YANKee’s?
Richard who’s your favorite Little Rascal, Alfalfa or Spanky?
richard your a riot! my thing got stuck in my zipper and i got piss all over my pants!
Richard, does this suit make me look fat? (2) No, your face does
Richard, don’t run away from your feelings!
Richard- oh that HAS to be you!!! did ya spray that thing for bugs?
RICHARD- We dont take no…. TOMMY- shit from anyone
Richard… were you watching spanktravision?
Richard…what were you doing? Work, just working on some papers….Richard….were you watching Spanktravision??? Heeeyyy….thats a pretty girl out there,i wonder if her boyfriend’s one of the YANKEES!!!()Richard…whose you favorite Little Raschal? Alpha Alpha….or Spankey….Go to sleep Tommy…
—Cadillac
Richard: Can I get your John Handcock right here?
Tommy: Uh…It’s Herby Handcock…bahhhhhhh.
Richard: Did that board to the head knock something loose?
Tommy: What are you talking about?
Richard: That 180 you pulled on the waitress back there. Why can’t you sell like that?
Tommy: I was just having fun. We didn’t get the wings, so what? We still got that Meat-Lovers pizza in the trunk.
Richard: No, you got the wings ’cause you were relaxed. See, you had confidence. And that’s what it takes to sell: confidence. Your dad had that. Uugh! Why do you always have to de-turd these things?
Tommy: My dad was smart: I’m not.
Richard: Very true, but there’s 2 types of smarts: book smart, which waved bye-bye to you long ago, and then there’s street smart, the ability to read people. And you know how to do that, just like your dad. He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear and what people needed to hear, and that’s what selling’s all about. In a way, these people are buying you, not just break pads.
Tommy: Hey everybody, it’s Tony Robbins! Maybe you’re right, Richard.
Richard: I think I am. HOLY LORD!! Look at this guy: caught him right after Thanksgiving feast.
Tommy: That’s great, Richard.
Richard: I need a Pooper-Scooper.
Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was YOU who put the oil in. Tommy: Hey, if you’re gonna say I didn’t put the right kind in, you’re wrong. I used 10W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident. Richard: True…but you can’t latch the hood too well IF YOU DON’T TAKE THE CAN OUT YOU NO SELLING WASTE OF SPACE! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE WORTHLESS! Tommy: I’m sorry about your car, but don’t call me worthless, I’m trying my best. I’m not my dad. Richard: That’s right your not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves! Tommy: Ketchup popsicle!? Richard: Yeah! I learned everything I know from him. I didn’t have a father and he looked out for me, but you, he was your real dad and you just took it for granted. HEY, I’M BIG TOM’S SON, HE’LL FIX EVERYTHING SO I’M ALLOWED TO BE A MORAN! Tommy: THAT’S IT! GET OUT! GET OUTTA THE CAR! IT’S GO TIME! YOU AND ME! Richard: Look mommmy! The rhino’s getting too close the car! Tommy: Him to ‘fraid to get out. He just a little guy. Richard: That’s it big boy, I’m gonna wail on you. You’re gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky! Tommy: HEY BOYS AND GIRLS, IT’S PAPA SMURF! Richard: You don’t want none of me, think it through. Tommy: Come on! Gimmie your best shot, I’ll give ya a free one, lemme have it!…That was it!? Come on, you can do better than that, can’t ya Cap’n Limpwrist…try again!…Hey everybody, is there a window open, I feel a draft!? Ugghh!! Uhhh! If I wanted a kiss I woulda called your mother…UGGHH!…that was a good one. Richard: Hey! Prehistoric Forest!
Richard: House keeping want me to fluff ur pillow, House keeping want to jerk u off?
Tommy:What kind of place is this?
Richard: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off? Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
Richard: I need your John Hancock, sir.
Tommy Boy: John Hancock,its Herbie Hancock.
richard: need me for pillow tommy: go away richard: need me for blowjob tommy: what kind of hotel is this.
Richard: This is Tommy he’ll be taking you through my lil schpeil here…he is a scorpio, likes biking and has never been laid…(shrugs to Tommy) Ok, exits…there should be some over there, one back here and one usually over by the wing somewhere…seatbelts…ok, you put the little end in the big end and you know what, if you dont know how to buckle a seatbelt ring your call button and Tommy will come over and hit you in the head with a tackhammer because you are a retard…life perservers, all though, I dont think that we’ll hit a lake my guess is it will be a mountain…any how…you put it over your head like so, and pull…
(Tommy chokes because it was a child perserver)he’s a big dumb animal isn’t he?
Richard: you didnt call
Tommy: ya i did
Richard: what number did you call?
Tommy: three seven six niner two…
Richard: your trailing off and did i hear a niner in there?
what are we using walkie talkies now?
Tommy: Shut up richard!
Richard:It’s called reading- top to bottom, left to right, group of words together is a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.
Tommy:Shut up, Richard
Richard:Its called reading top to bottom left to right, put words together it forms a sentence, take tylenol for headachs midol for cramps.
Richard:Knock, Knock…Housekeeping
Tommy: No Thank You…
Richard:Knock, Knock…What me fluff pillow??
Tommy: No pillow, need sleepy..
Richard:Knock, Knock…What fresh towel?
Tommy: GO AWAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Richard:Knock, Knock…What me jerk you off?
Tommy: What kinda hotel is this? oh it’s you..
Richard: They just called, and ordered an order of brake pads and according to my calculations that puts us over the mark
Tommy: WE DID IT..Oh Richard, hold me…
Richard:Oh boy…
Tommy: Dont run away from your feelings…
richard?Yeah tommy?who’s your favorite little rascal alfalfa or spanky.
richared – oh look mommy, the rhino’s getting too close to the car. tommy- he’s too afraid to get out, he’s just a little guy.
see that thing in the back seat? thats no air freshener, that’s a rotting deer carcass.
Shut up Richard!
so did u hear i finally graduated yeah in a shade under a decade too allright you know alot of people go to college for 7 years i know there called doctors
So what is there to do in this town anyway ? Well, we could go cow tipping or we could throw things off the bridge or we could go to the livestock auction and cruise the 4-H babes.
So….whats for dinner? Chicken orrr chicken?
son of a….thats gonna leave a mark
Son Of Aaaaaa!!!
Stop the trucks…stop Tommy Boy!
Superstar.
T:Richard, were you watching SPANKTRAVISION? R: Ok, let’s hit it T:Hey!That’s a pretty girl down there R: That’s great T: I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees…
That doesn’t look like the answer. I don’t remember eating that.
That was AWESOME!!…oh, yea…er…sorry about the car.
That’s what she said. She said.
that…was…the…COOLEST thing i have EVER seen….sucks about your car man.
the average person uses 10 percent of their brain..you use 1 1/2 percent…the rest is clogged with bong resin
The reason why they have a guarrantee on the box is because they know all they sold you is a guarranteed piece of shit. Hell, I can take a crap in a box and slap a guarrantee on it for you, if that’s what you want.
The reason why they have a guarrantee on the box is because they know all they sold you is a guarranteed piece of shit. Hell, I can take a crap in a box and slap a guarrantee on it for you, if that’s what you want. But then all you have is a guaranteed piece of shit!
The reason why they have a guarrantee on the box is because they know all they sold you was a guarranteed piece of shit. Hell, I can take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed if you want, I’ve got spare time. Hey, you never know, maybe the guarentee fairy will leave a nickel under you pillow, right? WHAT’S YOUR POINT? How do you know the guarentee fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer?? Build a model airplane, says the little fairy. Well I’m not buyin’ it. Next thing you know there’s money missing from the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times. But right now, for your customer’s sake, for your DAUGters sake, how about buying a QUALity product from me. OK, , , I’LL BUY FROM YOU. Well, that’s . . . HUH?
These shoes are Italian, they’re worth more than your life.
this guy is trying to sell out our company not to mention put you on the streets and all you can say is *hmm he seems like a nice guy!*
this is for Diamond Laine. Quote #2 is I guess that’s you’re THEORY. not fear. and #3 is YOUR SAIL IS LIMP,like your dick! not ,hey, yo, santas limp. just thought I’d letchya know
This is not a real quote, but about 60 percent of the quotes in the Tommy Boy section are misquoted. Learn to watch a movie people.
This isn’t a quote. This is for the people that are submitting the quotes incorrectly. You are retarded. You need to watch the movie again.
Tommy (refering to Ray Zalinsky): He seems like a nice guy. Richard: This guy’s trying to buy us out, not to mention put you out of business, and all you can say is ‘He seems like a nice guy’
Tommy Likey, Tommy Want Wingy
Tommy likie! Tommy want wingy!
Tommy want wingy.
Tommy, hurry up. your going to be late for school again, (kid climbs down rope ladder, runs) Son of a….
tommy- richard is there a mark on my face Richard- nope Tommy- it doesnt hurt here or here so much, but right here Richard- nope, ship shape
Tommy- yeah i called earlier
Richard- oh, really? what number did ya call?
Tommy- 2, 4, 7, 3 niner
Richard- your trailing off and did i cathc a niner in there? were ya calling from a walkie talkie?
Tommy- NO! it was a cordless
Tommy: How do you know the tooth fairy isn’t some crazy glue-sniffer. ‘Buildin’ model air planes,’ he tells them. Well I’m not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, thats all it takes. Next thing you know you got money missing off your dresser drawer and your daughter’s knocked up.
Tommy: But what if the Guarantee Fairy’s a crazy glue sniffer? Next thing you know there’s change missing from your dresser and your daughter’s knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
Tommy: Come on I’ll give ya a free one! *Richard punches* Tommy: Did somebody leave a window open?! *Richard punches again* Tommy: That the best you got? *Richard gives him a triple smack* Tommy: If I had wanted a kiss I would have called your mother. *Richard smashes a 2X4 across Tommy’s face* Tommy: That was a good one…
Tommy: Did ya hear I finally graduated? Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too…alriiight. Tommy: Ya know a lot of people go to college for seven years. Richard: I know. They’re called doctors.
Tommy: Did you hear I graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right.
Tommy: A lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden: Yeah, they’re called doctors.
Tommy: Did you hear I graduated? Richard: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right.
Tommy: Did you hear I graduated? Richard: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right. Tommy: A lot of people go to college for seven years. Richard: Yeah, they’re called doctors.
Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard: No, your face does.
Tommy: Hey Richard, is this your coat? Fat guy in a little coat…fat guy in a little coat…
Richard: Take it off dickhead I’m serious.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Don’t!
Tommy: Richard, what’s happening? uh-oh….
Tommy: Hims too fraid to get out, hims just a little guy. Richard: Oh that’s it big boy I’m gonna wail on you!
Tommy: I didn’t rob the bank
Kid: OH Ya, like it was some other realy fat guy with a tiny head.
Tommy: I have a tiny head?
Tommy: look its even got a fridge. You can put a
six pack beeerrrr…soda in here.
Tommy: Richard! Were you watching…Spanktravision? Richard: Ok then, lets hit it. Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what’s his name!? Buddy Wacket!? Richard: Alright then, lets get some shut eye. Tommy: Hey, that’s a pretty girl down there! Richard: Good for her. Tommy: Geez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!
Tommy: RICHARD!?! WHAT’D YOU DO?!
Tommy: Richard, is this your coat? Richard: Tommy, no. Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Richard: Take it off dickhead, I’m serious Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat, Fat guy in a little coat. Richard: Tommy… Tommy: Richard, what’s happ- RIIIIIIIIP
Tommy: They have a thin candy shell. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.
Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Wait just a sec Ted, you suppose a man buy’s a box marked guranteed because he wants to feel all warm inside, am I right? Ted: it makes a man feel good, Tommy: sure, why wouldn’t it, hell if you left it under your pillow at night, the guranteed fairly might leave you a quarter, am I right Ted? Ted: whats your point, Tommy: Well what I’m trying to say is how do you know this fairly isn’t a crazy glue sniffer, build a model airplane he says well we’re not buying it. He snuck into your house one time, that’s all it takes, next thing you know your daughter’s knocked up and there’s money missing off your dresser, I’ve seen it a hundred times Ted: What’s your point? Tommy: What I’m trying to say is when you buy a box marked guranteed, all your getting is a guranteed piece of shit. Hey if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guranteed, I will, I have spare time. But for your daughter’s sake, for your company’s sake, you might wanna buy a quality product from me. Ted: Alright I’ll buy it Tommy: Well thats, WHAT!?
Tommy: What’s your hurry?
Richard: Well you know that thing in the backseat? It’s not an air freshener it’s a dead rotting deer carcus.
Tommy: Wucha do, is you put your shoulder into her and ya push. Paul: And? Tommy: They fall over!
Tommy: You Can’t Just Go In and Out ya gotta finness’m a little
Richard: Oh By finness do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire.
Tommy: You know, you can get a good look at a butcher’s ass by shoving your head up it but wouldn’t you rather take his word for it?
Tommy:Do u know where the Weight room is???
Hott Chick:No
Tommy:I’ll check it ouy
Hott chick:Sorry
Tommy:Does this coat make me look fat?
Richard:No, your face does.
Tommy:Richard, does this suit make me look fat?
Richard:No no no, your face does.
Tommy:[repeated line, to Richard] Shut up, Richard!
tommy;And what did I tell you about eating in the car anyways.
richard;That its not good cause it spoils your dinner!?hehehehehe
Tough luck, kid, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Dearest Z.
Twenty dollars for the rent…hmm…maybe instead they’ll spend it on the whores
Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.
Ughh! Why do you always have to de-turd these things?
We have to take him to the vet.
You don’t take dead animals to the vet, _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
I’ll take you to the vet
I’ll…take…you…
Got that?
SHUT UP, _ _ _ _ _ _ _
We’re family, we’re gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait ’til Christmas.
WE’RE GOING TO SHOW THIS WORLD A THING OR TWO, WE’RE……….
well u can get a good look at a T-Bone by sticking ur head a a bulls ass but wouldnt u rather take the butchers word for it?
What are we serving tonight? Chicken or… chicken?
What if the guarantee fairy is a crazy glue sniffer? Building model airplanes he says well I’m not buying it. Let him in the house once is all it takes, next thing you know, your daughter is knocked up and there is change missing from your dresser. I have seen it happen a million times…
What my partner is saying is our brake pads are really cool, say for example you be driving along dooot doot truck tire in the middle of the road errrrrr that was close heres what happends when driving with the other guys brake pads, your just driving along kids are in the backseat screaming I gotta go to the bathroom daddy, not now damn it truck tire I cant stop,wrrreee thiers cliff boom boom, oh my god were burning alive diren diren, the new guys inthe back puking his guts out blahhh blahh.
What’d ya do?!
What’d ya dooo?!?!?
What’d you doooo??
What’s funny about that? They tip over!
wheres my dad? he was here earlier you should have called. i did call… earlier. earlier what time? or later. what number did you call? 24niner5678 i can’t hear you your trailing off and did i catch a niner in there? were you calling from a walkie talkie? no it was cordless
Whores running around doing there little behind shake for the men-folk. Richard: i kinda like her idea
Whores, running around, shaking their BEhinds…
wow, lainie diamond, you do not know what the hell you are talking abut because half of that stuff in that quot is VERY VERY wrong..it’s ‘jam an OAR up your ass’…why would he have said door? he’s on a boatand that would make most sense if he said oar, which he does…o
Ya know what? If you don’t know how to use your seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tackhammer because you are a RETARD…
Yea and sicne you were my dads right hand man, I’d have to say you got the rest of the month open.Wait a minute Timeout bad idea, I don’t think anyone can help baby huey out there. Got any better plans!
Yea, my dad used to go out here when i was a kid, and i’d be over there on the beach, and he’d yell to me, QUIT PLAYIN WITH UR DINGY!!
Cadillac
yeah like i’d forget a fat guy with a tiny head…richard do i have a tiny head?
yeah melted chocolate in the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Yeah that was cool, in the first grade!
yo this sucks!!
You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up
YOU CAN FIT A SIX-PACK OF BEE….SODAS IN HERE.
-ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KEEP COOL SON.
You could take a good look at butcher’s ass by sticking your head up there, but wouldn’t you rather take hisword for it?..Boy i’ve really got loss of words here… i mean, you could take a good look at a t-bone by sticking your head up a butcher’s ass, wait , no, it’s gotta be your bull
You don’t take dead animals to the vet.We take you to the vet, we take you to the….yeah you got that.Shutup Richard
You Know alot of people go to college for seven years.
Yeah,They’re called Doctors.
You’re a naughty pet…YOU’RE NAUGHTY!!
Your brain has the shell on it
Your brain’s the one with the shell on it!
Your dad could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves.
Your driving along, driving along, the kids are in the back saying, ‘I got to go to the bathroom daddy’,’Not now dammit. Truck tire. I cant stop. There’s a cliff. Aaaaah.(Smash)Here comes the meat wagon eoooeoooeooo. The new guys pukin his guts out.
Your….head..has..the..shell.on.it
are you talking
shut up, Richard
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Tommy Boy’: Quotes from the movie ‘Tommy Boy’