#1: You get to drink from the fire hose!! #2: Yay!!!
(Somebody gets thrown out of an overhead window)
GEORGE: (looks up) Hey, Kuni!
KUNI: Hiya, George!
GEORGE: Beginners class today, huh?
KUNI: Yeah. Dere so stupid! (Another student gets thrown out a window)
STUPID!!!
1)Ahhh, a red snapper! Mmmmm, very tasty! Okay, Weaver, you can either hold onto you red snapper… or you can go for what’s in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now!
[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]
1) What’s it going to be, Weaver?
2) I’ll take the box! The box!
[Applause]
1) You took the box! Let’s see what in the box! [box is opened] Nothing! Absolutely nothing!! Stupid!! You’re so stupid!!!
1)How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen!
2) You’re right, Bob. I’m sorry. What can I say? I-I’m a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really! Just BASH my head right in!
1) George, you know I can’t do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.
1)I need a drink.
2) You don’t drink.
1) Yeah, but I’ve been meaning to start.
1. So, isn’t it a little late for you to be working? I mean, what time do you normally go home? 2. This is my home. I live here. Hold these. 1. What are you doing? 2. I just want to see if my interrocitor can withstand a sudden charge of 60,000 volts. 1. What? AAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 2. Yeah. It works.
1. So, Weavuh… what’s it gonna be? 2. Umm… the box, I’ll take the box! 1. SHE TOOK THE BOX! LET’S SEE WHAT’S IN THE BOX!…… NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! YOU’RE STUPID, YOU’RE SO STUPID!
1: Hey Bobbo, you wanna play a game? 2: [HONK!] 1: Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! Uh-oh! Bobbo fall down go boom!
1: I only wonder what my great grandpa Fletcher would say if he were alive today.
2: (jokingly) Help! I’m in this box, I can’t get out
Surprise!
After 15 years they just toss me out like an old bag of moldy tangerines!
Ahhhh, Red Snappah!!! Very tasty.
ANNOUNCER: George Newman! He starts where the others stop!
GEORGE: Sex with furniture: Whaddaya think?
ANNOUNCER: The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the mysteries of Al Capone’s glove compartment!
GEORGE: Aha! ROAD MAPS!
ANNOUNCER: He blew the lid off of Satanism!
SATAN: Look, all I was trying to say…
GEORGE: Oh, shut up, you pinhead! (Grabs a glass of water) You make me SICK! (Throws it in his face)
ANNOUNCER: Sometimes shocking, always controversial, he deals with topics the other talk shows are afraid to touch! He pries! He pokes! He digs deep! (as a fight starts) He gets the answers, he gets the facts, and most importantly, he gets the ratings! (One of the guests throws a chair at GEORGE & things really get ugly)
GEORGE: (head all bandaged up like Geraldo) Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs! All this week on ‘Town Talk’! (Gets hit with another chair)
Badgers! Badgers! we don’t need any stinking Badgers.
Badgers, we do not need no stinking badgers!
Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers.
Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers!
Badgers?! BADGERS?! We don’t NEED no STINKIN’ BADGERS!!!!
Bagers! Bagers! we don’t need any stinking Bagers
Bob Steckler – I don’t know about this, George. I mean, I don’t know the first thing about what goes on at a television station.
George Newman – Don’t worry, Bob. It’s just like working in a fish market. Except you don’t have to clean and gut fish all day.
BOB: George? Hello, earth to George! GEORGE!!! (sigh) Are you daydreaming again?!
GEORGE: No, no, I was just, uh, admiring how clean an’ shiny this grill is.
BOB: C’mon, George, we’re busy here!
GEORGE: Y’know what the problem is? Nobody here appreciates a guy with a good imagination.
BOB: Yeah, that’s what you said about the guys at the lumberyard, the miniature golf course, Floyd’s Fish Market, and all the other places we worked in the last month, right?!
GEORGE:(picking up a bottle of mustard) Yeah, well somebay, SOMEDAY they’ll be sorry. They’ll be eating breakfast or somethin’, then all of a sudden they’ll say, ‘HEY! (accidetally squirts three customers) We screwed up! (puts the mustard back) We never shoulda fired George Newman cuz HE’S GOT IMAGINATION’! (takes a black, charred hulk out of the fryer) Well, I think the fries are just about done.
BOB: Oh man, you better not let Big Edna see that or she’ll have a fit!
GEORGE: (as BIG EDNA comes out from behind) Big Edna, Big Edna, y’know, you sound like a broken record! Why are you so afraid of that pathetic tub of lard? (GEORGE turns around and there she is! She takes them both outside and throws them sky-high into the air!
They crash-land on the other end of the parking lot, sit up, look at each other and fall back down)
BOB: Tell y’what, George. Let’s start fresh. Start a whole new business! Maybe we can borrow some money from your Uncle Harvey.
GEORGE: Oh, right! We just flushed his TV station down the toilet! I’m sure he’d be happy to loan us money!
BOB: So I guess Teri’s never gonna speak to you again, huh? (GEORGE plunks his head down on the bar. The bartender gives them their drinks) Hey, I didn’t get an umbrella!
BOB: Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.
GEORGE: Okay, gimmie the bad news first.
BOB: Well, given our present financial situation, including rent, ongoing expenses and whatnot, I figure this station’ll be flat broke by the end of the week.
GEORGE: What’s the good news?
BOB: I lied. There is no good news.
Bobbo was eating (looks at the box) Yappy’s Dog Treats! (Bobbo runs offstage) That’s right, Yappy’s Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver and tuna taste…(HURRRLLL!!!)…with just a hint of cheese.
Conan the Librarian-Don’t you know the dewey decimal system?
George (looking at the mountain of mashed potatoes he just made): Teri, this means something. This is important.
GEORGE: (Kicks open the door) AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
THUG: Who’s THIS guy?
GEORGE: (a la Rambo) I’m your worst nightmare. (Sees the gun to his head) (regular voice) Listen, I can see you guys are pretty busy right now. How ’bout if I just come back later?
THUG: Forget it, pal. We’re all goin’ for a little ride.
GEORGE: Oh. Well, we’ll have to take your car. Mine’s a two-seater.
HEAD THUG: Just shut up, kid. You know you really botched things up! If you hadn’t stuck your face in our business…! We’re all goin’ home
real soon. (GEORGE takes a staple out of the guy’s face. He shoves his hand aside) But now, I’m gonna have to take you and your friend outa commission, for good.
GEORGE: Redrum! Redrum! (A sound from the closet)
THUG: What was that?
ANOTHER THUG: Huh?
THUG: I dunno, I just thought I heard something.
ANOTHER THUG: What?
THUG: I dunno, I just…(Opens the closet)
KUNI & HIS STUDENTS: SUPPLIES!!! (They leap out & clean house)
GEORGE: Bob? Whatcha got there?
BOB: The ratings.
GEORGE: Don’t tell me we actually showed up on the list!
BOB: We’re #1!
GEORGE: Say what?
BOB: We beat out the networks! This is unbelievable! Lookit these numbers! We got three shows in the top 5! STANLEY SPADOWSKI’S CLUBHOUSE went through the roof! He got a 60 share! Do you realize what this means? We’re finally gonna make some real money! George, we’re the #1 station in town!
BOTH: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
GEORGE: Look what I got here, Bob! A Twinkie-wiener-sandwich! Your favorite!…Aw, c’mon Bob, cheer up, will ya?
BOB: You’ve ruined my life. (Goes to the couch)
GEORGE: Y’know, Bobbo, I think you’re developing a bad attitude here.
Y’see Bob, (sniffs the milk and pours himself a glass) y’gotta look at
the big picture. Y’gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can! (Something falls off the wall on impact of a karate student getting thrown into the wall next door) See anything in the want ads?
BOB: Yeah, nothin’ but the prestiege of workin’ at Burger World. So what do you think Teri’s gonna say when she hears we got fired again?
GEORGE: Teri! Oh, no! What time is it? (A guy’s fist comes crashing through the wall and GEORGE looks at his watch) 7:30! Oh boy, I gotta go. I’ll see you later bob! (Exits)
KUNI: (from next door) STUPIIIIID!!!
GEORGE: Okay, how’s this for our Friday night line-up?: 8:00, ‘Druids
On Parade’, then ‘The Volcano-Worshippers Hour’, followed by ‘Under
water Bingo For Teens’ and ‘Fun With Dirt’!
BOB: Why not?
GEORGE: Okay, how’s this for our Friday night line-up?: 8:00, ‘Druids
On Parade’, then ‘The Volcano-Worshippers Hour’, followed by ‘Under-
water Bingo For Teens’ and ‘Fun With Dirt’!
BOB: Why not?
GEORGE: Okay, how’s this for our Friday night line-up?: 8:00, ‘Druids
On Parade’, then ‘The Volcano-Worshippers Hour’, followed by ‘Underwater Bingo For Teens’ and ‘Fun With Dirt’!
BOB: Why not?
George? You know I was wondering,like, like, if you were traveling through outerspace. I mean like you are going real fast, like the speed of light, you know whoooo whoooo and all of a sudden you start screaming, aaaaah, aaaaaah, do you think your brain would blow up?
Guns don’t kill people. I do.
Guns don’t kill people. I do.
Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.
hey bobbo, wanna play a game? look up, look down and now look at mr. frying pan! bobbo fall down go boom!
Hey, hey George. If you were travelling through space, like, really fast, and you’re going, ahhhh! Do you think your head would just blow up?
I don’t know how many times I’ve told them never call chicks brods.
I LOOOOOOOOVE anchovies, ’cause they’re real fishy!
I spy… something orange… it’s an orange!
I’m thinkin’ of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It’s an orange! [laughs] Ok, now I’m thinkin’ of something blue. Something bluuuuuue.
If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I’m gonna club this baby seal. That’s right. I’m gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I’ll do it, to, cause I’m crazy.
Just call me Mr. Butterfingers…Boy, is my face red.
Kuni:Hi yah George!
George:Bigginers today huh?
Kuni:Yeah! they so stupid!
WhyYahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!ahhhhh!
Kuni:STUPID!!!!
Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs—all next week on Town Talk!
Lesbian Nazi hookers, abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs: All nex week on Town Talk!
Lesbian Nazi hookers, abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs: All next week on Town Talk!
Let me be your hog.
Life is like a mop.
Look up, look down, now look at Mr. Frying Pan!
Look, Bob, it’s your favorite: a twinky-weiner sandwich!
Money for nothing.
Oh my God, Bob! What time is it? (Arm with watch punches through the wall) 7:30! Oh man, I gotta go. I’ll see ya later, Bob.
PAMELA: Yeah? So? Can I help you?
GEORGE: Hi! I’m George Newman. I’m the new station manager.
PAMELA: Ughhh! You know, when I first took this job, they told me that my position was only temporary, and that sooner or later, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news, which is really my forte. You know how long I’ve been working here? Two years! It’s really hard to get promoted when every other week, you have a new boss! This job really sucks!
GEORGE: This is my friend, Bob.
BOB: Hi, nice to meet you.
RAUL: This is my ant farm. Y’know, ants are amazing. They can lift 50 TIMES their own weight! And they work for weeks and weeks and weeks making these interesting little tunnels. Oh yeah, and they hate it when you do this! (grabs the ant farm and gives it a shake) Oh, look! They’re really mad now!
BOB: Where did you find this guy?!
GEORGE: Me? I thought you hired him!
RJ FLETCHER: This is indeed a sad day for Channel 8. We’ve been #1 in this town for the past 10 years and now our sponsors are pulling their accounts. We’re losing valuable advertising revenue. We’re losing credibility in the market. And why? BECAUSE OF SOME FLY-BY-NIGHT UHF STATION! A U-H-F-STATION! This is an embarassment, a disgrace! What do you think RJ Fletcher Sr. would be saying if HE were alive today?!
RICHARD: (whispering) Help, lemme outa this box! I can’t breathe in here! Help, lemme out! (Giggles, sees his father’s furious look, then shuts up)
RJ: We gotta do something. We gotta do it fast. Who owns that station, anyway?
Sometimes you just gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.
Sometimes you just have to grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can!!!!
Stanley: You get to drink from THE FIRE HOSE!
Kid:Yeah!
Stanley:OK,YA READY? OPEN WIDE!(SPOSHH!!!!!!!)
Supplies!!!!
TERI: George?
GEORGE: Uh-huh?
TERI: You know those dreams you’re always having?
GEORGE: Yeah.
TERI: Well, do you think someday I might be part of them?
GEORGE: (a al Clark Gable) honey, from now on, you’re gonn a be in all of ‘m.
TERI: (a al Vivien Leigh) Oh, George!
GEORGE: Darlin’, let’s leave this place right now! Let’s go this very minute!
TERI: No, dear. Let’s wait ’til tomorrow.
GEORGE: But, why? Why?
TERI: Because tomorrow is another day!
GEORGE: (to camera) I knew she was gonna say that! (They kiss)
TERI: So what’s your excuse this time?
GEORGE: Well, Bob and I have been having a discussion about various career options. Boy, I really like what you’ve done with your hair, it’s really…
TERI: George, did you get fired again?
GEORGE:…YES! YES! IT’S ALL TRUE! (Banging his head on the counter) I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH MEEEEEE!!!…(Lifts up his head) So what’s for dinner?…Mashed potatoes! My favorite! Teri, you shouldn’t have! (Goes to the table)
TERI: George, when are you gonna start taking things a little more seriously? I mean, you’ve been wandering aimlessly from job to job ever since I’ve known you! If you could just get that overactive imagination of yours to work for you instead of against you, maybe you could…(Sees GEORGE making a mountain out of the potatoes) What are you doing?
GEORGE: This means something….This is important!
there comes a time in every mans life where he has to look the patatoe of injustice in the eye
These floors are dirty as hell, and I’m not gonna take it any more!
they spend weeks, even months making these intricate tunnels…they hate it when you do…this!!! (shakes ant farm up and down)
This community means about as much to me as a festering ball of dog snot! You think I care about the peabrain yokels of this town? If you took their conbined I.Q. and multplied it by 100, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn’t drool all over yourself first. I can’t stand those sniveling maggots! They make me want to puke! But there is one good thing about working for a town full of mindless sheep; I always know I have them exactly where I want them! (laughs)
This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot! You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town? If you took their combined IQ and multiplied it by 100, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe. If you didn’t drool all over yourself first! I can’t stand those sniveling maggots! They make me wanna puke! But there is one thing about broadcasting in a town filled with mindless sheep. I always know I’ve got them exactly where I want them! (laughs)
This community means about as much to me as afestering bowl of dog snot! You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town? If you took their combined IQ and multiplied it by 100, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe. If you didn’t drool all over yourself first! I can’t stand those sniveling maggots! They make me wanna puke! But there is one thing about broadcasting in a town filled with mindless sheep. I always know I’ve got them exactly where I want them! (laughs)
This is pretty good wate-tastes like poop. I’m gonna go eat some Corn Flakes… Uh, don’t tell your mom, that you do this.
Today we’re gonna learn poodles how to fly
Today we’re teaching poodles how to fly!
Ugly George,NYCcableTV-star extraordinaire, has NEVER been a Lesbian Nazi Hooker but HAS been on Geraldo & will be again soon about his upcumming 911 & Ugly George flick.
Uh-oh! Bobbo fall down, go boom!
Watch out, Mr. Coyote.
what’s your name? billy. billy what? (kid spits on George)
Yeah, what?
you can hold on to your red flapper or you can go for the box that they’re bringing down the aisle right now! what’s it gonna be? i’ll take the box. let’s see what’s in the box…nothing! absoulutly nothing! stupid! your so stupid!
You get to drink from the fire hose!!!
You get to drink from the FIRE HOSE!!!!
You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.
You win….NOTHING!!!! YOU SO STUPID!!!!
you win…absolutely nothing!! you’re so stupid!
You’ve found the marble in the oatmeal! You know what that means? You get to drink from the FIREHOSE!!!!!
YOUR A LUCKY, LUCKY LITTLE BOY! YOU FOUND THE MARBLE IN THE MASHED POTATOES, SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS….YOU GET TO DRINK FROM…THE FIREHOSE!!!!
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘UHF’: Quotes from the movie ‘UHF’