–Why don’t we go out and kill someone tonight?
–Wow!
–You’re afraid of everything, Oz.
–That’s not true.
Hey! I just vacuumed this rug.
I married a contract killer, not Martha Stewart!
I need your help.
I want him dead. Yesterday! Before breakfast! Before eggs! Scrambled.
J: Looks like you got a reprieve, Oz. O: Oh good, the killers are here.
L: You locked my son in a trunk? O: Oh, no no, he locked himself in the trunk. L:….Okay, this I believe.
LAZLO: You locked my son in the trunk?
OZ: No! No, sir. He locked himself in the trunk.
LAZLO: [pause] This I believe.
LAZLO: Your wife is in a safe–
OZ: My wife is in a safe?
LAZLO: Place. Safe place. Let me finish the sentence!
OZ: Call Mrs. Himelfarb, remind her to floss… cancel my appointments for the rest of my life and send in as much nitrous as you can, call the FBI.
JULIE: What?
OZ: CALL THE FBI!
JULIE: What’s wrong?
OZ: [gets upset] What’s wrong, what’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Everything’s wrong. Take a look around you nothings right. Cynthia got kidnapped by a bunch of hungarian killers. And instead of calling the FBI or police, like every other rational man, I thought to myself: ‘hey, let’s try to get in contact with somebody else that kills a lot of people.’ So I went down to Mexico which is heavily underdeveloped by the way and I asked him to help me out. Did he help me out? No he didn’t help me out, he didn’t help me out, no he didn’t help me out! Know what he did do? He put on bunny slippers, shot at me and then cooked me some chicken.
[starts to calm down] I’ll be ok I’m gonna calm down and go downstairs and I’m gonna take a nice, leisurely drive in my porsche.
[gets upset again] Wait a minute I can’t drive my porsche because I don’t have my porsche any more. That’s gone, that’s history, that’s archives! We left the porsche so we could get on to a bus and rent some other car and you know why? Because I don’t. Do you know why? Some kind of GPS, I don’t know, system.
JULIE: What’s that smell?
OZ: I’ll tell you what that smell is. It’s me. I smell and you know why? I’ve been wearing this suit for three days. I smell like ass. Or foot. Or some kind of foot that’s been lodged up deep, deep, deep, inside an ass. I’ll tell you the worst thing: I woke up naked next to another naked man who admittedly wets the bed. So if you talk to anybody or anybody calls here you tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!
JULIE: Yes sir.
OZ: Don’t ‘yes sir’ me! Call the FBI!
JULIE: [goes towards the phone] Calling… I’m calling.
OZ: Dial F-B-I. Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!
OZ: [Opens up front door and sees Buttercup Scout standing there] Who sent you?
BUTTERCUP SCOUT: Buttercup Scouts of America.
OZ: Bullshit. What troop are you with?
BUTTERCUP SCOUT: What?
OZ: You heard me. What’s your den mother’s name?
BUTTERCUP SCOUT: Carol?
CYNTHIA: Jesus, Oz! What the hell are you doing? She’s a buttercup scout.
OZ: I’m not buying this buttercup scout routine and besides, I think there’s something in her hands.
CYNTHIA: Cookies. Minty Thins. This is Ellen Wasserstrom’s daughter. I told her mother I would buy cookies from her.
OZ: Oh.
[walks away]
OZ: I heard that.
BUTTERCUP SCOUT: Jag-off.
STRABO: [after seeing Jimmy and Oz in a bed together] A little male bonding?
JIMMY: Just like C block, huh Strabo?
OZ: [in the background] I fell down the stairs, Strabo!
We’re driving to Mexico in ten minutes. Stop drinking or you’ll get an IUD.
Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
You’re a nitwit, Oz.
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Whole Ten Yards, The’: Quotes from the movie ‘Whole Ten Yards, The’