Has Barbie Gone Bad?

 InnocentEnglish.com Scoop: Tomorrow’s News Today *

Has Barbie Gone Bad?

Barbie, after being a role model for pre-teens everywhere (except most third world countries, where parents may not fully appreciate spending four months’ wages on an inedible plastic doll) may have finally succumbed to the pressures of celebrity.  In recent weeks she has been spotted leaving some of the hottest elite bars in LA, usually noticeably intoxicated. 

There has also been concern about her recent weight loss, and erratic behavior (so many free paparazzi pics of her in various states of exposure have flooded the internet that sales of porn have plummeted in recent weeks). She has claimed she is just “naturally slenderer than I used to be, genetically-wise” and that she has been “recovering from a sucky stomach virus”.  In an attempt to counter the concerns over her weight loss, she sat across from the central camera during the World Series Game 3 in Colorado and proceeded to eat four hotdogs. However, eye witness accounts claim she didn’t keep them down very long and one even claimed she actually at the same hotdog four times. 

The drastic weight loss has resulted in the loss of her contract as the Victoria Secret Endowed model, and may result in the loss of her long standing contract with Mattel, the company that picked her out of the Mousketeer crowd, gave her the implants, and helped her rise to fame- perhaps too much fame.

Fan concerns that she may be sabotaging her career, and perhaps even her life, worsened last night when she was pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving.  The officers also found “various illegal substances” in her possession and “a notable lack of undergarments”.   It is suspected she will be required to enter a rehabilitation clinic for at least a few weeks, which could add up to as many as eight hours of actual time, spread out over several weeks.  Let’s hope that this experience changes her life as much as Paris’ jail time has transformed her (rumors are circulating Paris is seriously considering becoming a nun, and is trying to choose between Buddhism and Catholicism, depending on which has the lightest punishment for breaking celibacy vows).

We know it’s not too late for you Barbie!  We are all rooting for you. We love your “singing”, your “acting” appearances, and all your charity work for disadvantaged celebrity kids.  We’d give you the shirt off our backs (even though that doesn’t seem to be the item of clothing you need). You can do it! We love you Barbie!

*Due to the lack of dependability of making wild guesses about the future, news articles in InnocentEnglish’s “Scoop” section may or may not even remotely have anything to do with reality.

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Page topic: Barbie doll jokes: Celebrity jokes