The Best of Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, I don’t know… reelection to the Senate?

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

People come up to me and say, Emo, do people really come up to you?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I’m going to mop the floor with your face.
I said, You’ll be sorry.
He said, Oh, yeah? Why?
I said, Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

 

 

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