Top 20 Funny Ellen DeGeneres Jokes, Quotes and Sayings

1) Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don’t stop dropping until the act is completed. So it’s not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That’s how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, ‘Boy, don’t we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.’ I don’t know about you, but if I’m one of these two birds, you’re getting close to the ground… I would seriously consider fakin’ it.”

2) I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

3) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

4) Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and just run away.

5) I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

6) Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

7) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

8) Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

9) (about call-waiting) It’s turned into a mini people’s choice awards. Hasn’t it? And you find out right away who wins or loses.: You’re having a pleasant conversation with what you think is a good friend. You hear the click. They tell you to hold on. You’re confident they’re going to come back to you. And then they come back and they say, “I’ve got to take this other call.” And you know what that means what they just said to the other person? “Let me get rid of this other call.”

10) I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that’s their job and they have to read these stories and they’re just coming up on the teleprompter they don’t know what’s coming up. and they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. “There were no survivors…And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth…But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing…

11) We stock up on popcorn and candy like we’re crossing the Sierras, don’t we?: “I’ll have a couple of soft pretzals, a hot dog, milk duds, snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you’ve got there – that bucket? You don’t have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? – Oh, and a diet coke.”

12) What’s with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people, that’s it, just crazy people.

13) Our attention span is shot. We’ve all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don’t have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD – too busy disorder.

14) (about local news) They do these teases to get you to watch late on. They’re so incredibly cruel: “It could be the most deadly thing in the world and you may be having it for dinner. We’ll tell you what it is tonight at 11:00.”

15) The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

16) In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light!” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

17) If we don’t want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we’re stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions.

18) So, I bought a new cd and I was trying to get it open but couldn’t with all the layers. I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here.. Is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors….you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldn’t be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it’s this thin thin cardboard …..what are they thinking? “Ohh they’ll be fine”.

19) Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe’s way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you’re gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I’ve gotta stop I’ve gotta come to my senses ive been out riding fences for so long… oops i did it again… um… What I’m trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don’t remember anything else that I’ve said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

20) Our egos tells us we’re the only ones that have any kind of feelings. We’re the only ones with a relationship. We’re the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you’re ruining. There’s a conversation going on outside with the other spiders. ‘Did you hear about Chris?….Killed yeah….Sneaker. And now Stephanie has nine hundred babies to raise all alone. Well, she’s got her legs full I’ll tell you that right now. Chris was so kind, wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s just been tough for them lately. They just lost their web last week. Those humans think they’re so smart. Let them try shooting silk out of their butt and see what they can make.

 

 

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