Innocent English

Fact 1. The Roman emperor Commodus was at one time going to change the name of Rome to Colonia Commodiana. Fact 2. The Roman emperor Domitian took great pleasure in being secluded in his room for hours and catching flies and stabbing them with pens. Fact 3. The Romans used to clean themselves with...

Fact 1. The oil that is found in poison ivy is called “urushiol.” Fact 2. The oldest actor to win a Best Actor Oscar is Henry Fonda. He was 76 when he won it. Fact 3. The oldest bird on record was Cocky, a cockatoo, who died in the London Zoo at the age of 82. Fact 4. The oldest documented footwear...

Fact 1. The meaning of Siberia is “sleeping land.” Fact 2. The Mexican version of the Tooth Fairy is known as the Tooth Mouse, which takes the tooth and leaves treasures in its place. Fact 3. The MGM lion, whose name was Leo, lived in Memphis until his death. Fact 4. The microwave oven was invented...

1)Father, that was a great sermon… made me weep. 2)What’s confusing you this week? 1)Oh, it’s the same old, ‘one God-three God’ thing. 2)Frankie, most people figure out by kindergarten that it’s about faith. 1)Is it sort of like Snap Crackle and Pop, all rolled into one big box? 1)We’re flying?...

(shines flashlight on ceiling) it looks like a boob –Nobody’s treated me the way you do before. –How do I treat you? –Like a person. –There is a place you can touch a woman that will make her go crazy. –Where? –Her heart. 1. That is bad. 2. That is very very bad Cash. Closer To Free. I have a hair!...

Get out. Get your things out of this house before i throw them into the street and you with them. Get out before I kill you! I can’t you out of this, Veda. I loaf, but in a highly decorative and charming manner. i loath I think I’m finally seeing you for the first time Veda, and you’re cheap and...

England are playing FOUR-FOUR-FUCKING-TWO! I think what he;s trying to say lads, is that these wogs will nick anything… Mike Bassett: You tell me where it says Benson and Hedges on that packet! *Realises that’s the name on the packet* Oh! Mike: Chins up lads Doddsy: Come on lads your heard what the...

Wuts 1 thing all great teams have in common? Defense..See unlike scoring defense never quits.But to play great defense u need 1 thing above all else..confidence..Listen if u learrn nothin else u learn this…Alright this is not just about nothin its easy to be confident when u have control of the...

#1- Is there a cock fight arena near here? #2- She’s joking…right? 1 – I would love to see this town in autumn. I think Craapville in autumn would be quite magnificent. I would have made little leaves. Oak, Poplar, Maple, Chestnut… and spread them around the town of Craap… ville. Magnificent. 2 –...

1) Yea were the Power Rangers! 2) Ooh! Where’s my autograph book? 1: Be the Eagle, be the Eagle! 2: Be the Swallow, be the Swallow! 1: You want us to take another wack at it? 2: How about you take another quack at it! Aisha:It’s time to boogie with the Bear. Catch Ya on the Flip side! I have the...

1) what did your last coach have you do? 2) nothing, he just stood around and yelled a lot 3) yeah until he hurt his arm. 1) hurt his arm? 4) yeah, you know..you stupid,lousy,little shits. you suck..uh, uh..*grabs arm and falls.* 1)Heart attack 1)Coach are you gonna be at the game tomorrow? 2)By...

-I got a tick. -A tick…big deal. -No, for you it wasn’t a big deal, but for me, I looked down and I had a black thing living in my leg! 1) I can’t believe you’re a coward. 2) Only in actuality. 1)Don’t be such a Cassandra! 2) I am Cassandra! Curiosity, that’s what kills us. Not muggers or all that...

–How much can you decipher? –15 percent. –Really decipher? –10 percent. –That’s one word in ten. You’re guessing! –We like to call it ‘analysis’. Halsey: When you’re in command, command. He gets his dope straight from Tokyo Rose. Right, chili bean? I have travelled widely in America, my friends....

#1 Did you ever have sex with an animal Jack? Remember those chickens on the Indian reservation? There were some good looking chickens there Jack. #2 Yeah, there were a couple I would have taken a shot at. #1 Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! #1 Is this going to upseet me? #2 I think it’s safe to say that. #1 It’s...

1.Jonny’s, obease, male, child! Jonny’s….(now joined by 2.)FAT BOY! 2. Jonny’s FAT BOY BURGERS. It’s on whilshire Blvd. FAGABEEFE! Fagabeefe? Fagabeefe! Hey ‘milio! Fagabeefe! FAGABEEFEE ? HEY MELIO A FAGABEEFE ! HAROLD, there arent any cookies left! HUG ME? LEEEEONNNNN! Look between the two giant...

– Good afternoon, Yankee John. – Joe! – That sounds like a dead battery. –You’re not a lawyer, are you? –No, no, no, no. –Good. They’re the scum of the earth. And I should know being an ex-barrister myself. –Ex? –Ceremoniously disbarred not two years ago. -That is a .22, my late husband blew his...

(Jingle sung on radio as main characters shiver from the frigid weather): Orange juice on ice is nice, Orange juice on ice is nice. Drink real Florida orange juice. Orange juice on ice. –Well, you know, it’s free. You don’t have to steal it. –Well, if it’s free, then I ain’t stealin’. 1: faggot! 2:...

Eat your cake, have your cake, who cares? You’re about to get a plate of sauteed brains thrown into your face, your entire career is the toilet, and now you’re correcting my grammar? I’m fine, except for some incredibly painful spasms which lets me know that there is a God. And he’s a sexist pig!...

#1 And so finally to lot 125 A and another one of our occasional Jonathon Gratziosies. This unusual painting is called Die, Piggy Piggy, Die, Die. #1 Please don’t. #2 What? Don’t what? #1 Just stop, just stop or otherwise I can’t go on. Just run normally. #2 I am running normally. #1 Oh or right,...

‘Why hide Joe?’ he’d ask. ‘When that’s what they expect.’ Game’s over Harry. We lost again. It’s my considered opinion that in the fullness of time, history will record the greatness of Collins and it will be at my expense. -Eamon de Valera Mr. Collins, the man who won the recent war… The Irish...