Innocent English

(DMX) That books fuckin wit ya head! (NAS) When’s the last time you read a book?!?! (DMX) NEVER MUTHA FUCKA!!!!!!! Dat’s ya man. Dat’s ya man do whatever for the dollar Faggot cops can’t touch me!!!! I’m out here smokin weed, speedin, goin through red lights, fuck it!!!! That’s me…untouchable!!!!...

–He’s not a playboy. He’s a very talented playwright. –But all he does is play, he never writes. And so, ladies and gentlemen, you, too, can solve all your problems by subscribing to an answering service. Better than a dream. Do it yourself. Drop that name. Hot and cold. I met a girl. I’m going...

–This won’t hurt a bit. –It did hurt. 1) Mr. Gardner, do you agree with Ben, or do you think that we can stimulate growth through temporary incentives? [Long pause] 2) As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden. 1) In the garden. 2) Yes. In the garden,...

1) Can I buy you a drink, Maxine? 2) Are you married? 1) Yes, but enough about me. 1) Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one? 2) Um, the symbol on the right is not a letter, sir? 1) Damn, you’re good! 1) With all due respect, John, it’s MY portal. 2) It’s MY head, Schwartz!...

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. Â The last few of these top 10 funniest limericks are suggestive, but they are still much more mild than many limericks...

-You still got your boots, have you, cowboy? -Roger. They were tied on. 1) Icecube? 2) Yes i like the hip hop rap music i like im public enemy number one number one number one one one (FADES) (girl looks toward the sky) 1) UM.. your good american runs in front of the truck..guy dressed like elvis...

I feel like if someone were to touch me, I’d dissolve into molecules. I guess when you’re young, you just believe there’ll be many people with whom you’ll connect . Later in life you realize it only happens a few times. I was fine until I read you’re fucking book. It scared the shit out of me....

Celine: I really believe that if there’s any kind of God, he wouldn’t be in any one of us—not you, not me, but just in the space in between. If there’s some magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone else, sharing something. Even if it’s almost impossible to succeed,...

1: … But we’re all marked forever now. BEFORE … and AFTER. 1: … shut up… 2: If I was with Matt or Chris, I’d be HOME by now. 1: Shut up… 2: … Rich kid. Fuckin’ PUSSY. 1: I SAID SHUT UP!!! 1: But it turns out, I’M not the one she’s mad at. Not really. She’s mad at everyone, and everything. And God...

#1 Maybe this is heaven. #2 In heaven there wouldn’t be dust everywhere. #1- What are your qualifications? #2- Ah well… I attended Juilliard. I am a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and I had a pretty good time during that. I’VE...

–Do you have any kids? –We have a career. Ah, Mr. Newton, the law’s very clear when it comes to dealing with this kind of thing. Unless you bring the animal to my office immediately, I’m afraid I’ll be forced to press charges. BEETHOVEN!!!!! Bullies: Wait up Theodore, we wanna walk you home. Dean...

Barry Bagernath a.k.a. ‘Barry Bagernath’ i Brewed cold fresh joy for thousands i wish it were winter, so we could freeze it into blocks and skate on it, then melt it in the spring and drink it!! its so good i wanna stick my dick in it! Landfill 2 you are twice the man Landfill 1 was! That brewery...

Forty years and it’s never been registered. I want to get him. I want to tell you how much it means to me to see someone like you who’s not afraid to get involved. lawyer: Should I give you a hint, Mr. Lambert? Is it a cap? Is it a lady’s slipper? It isn’t by any chance a red wig, is it? Now let’s...

#1- Is there anything in particular that you fancy? #2- Sausage and mash, bubble and squeak, toad in the hole, fried fish, oh anything at all. #1- No fried food? #2- No. #1- How do you keep your health? #1- What’s this? A toy shop? #2- No, it’s a nursery. Ain’t ya ever seen a nursery? #3- No, and...

Ah… well, you go out there and you give a 110%, and you wanna play good, and… you know… you hope you play good … I think we played pretty good tonight! (not in actual film) Devil: (dressed in red bikini w/ a boa around her neck) Do I look like someone who’d try to trick you? –You’re a nutcake....

1) I don’t have room in my life for somebody this great. I work for a living. 2) He’s the romantic equivalent of a night-light 1: This is the part where you’re suppoused to say, Wait Don’t Leave. Do I look like a total gumby-head? Every now and then everybody is entitled to too much perfection. I...

He’ll be more use to God than he ever was to me. I want NO MORE THINKING !!!! I’m ready to die for my Lord. May the Lord’s church obtain peace and liberty through my blood. I’m suddenly very intelligent. Perhaps because of the French girl I slept with last night. Never lead your enemy to despair;...

#1 forgive me father,i sleep with this woman. #2,really?was she naked? #1 yes #2cool #1. Where’s the unit? #2. Uh, my unit? In my pants. 1) Get the hell outa the cockpit !!!!!! 2)..you said cock ! 1)Get out of the cockpit! 2)huh huh huh you said… 1)NOW! 1: One of you got a match? 2: Yea, my butt...

1)I have an appointment with Mercedes. 2)She no longer works here. 3)Oh, that’s okay, we’ll take Porsche, then. 2)She’s no longer here, either — we got rid of all our foreign cars. 1)Let’s talk about inter-racial love. 2)Girl, you know you black! 1)Look at that. Now that’s just too much booty. 2)If...

Plenty! Picture it… coming home after a hard day… my latest kill roasting over the fire… and my little wife, massaging my feet. While the little ones play on the floor with the dogs. We’ll have six or seven (1)there’s something sweet and almost kind but he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined...